Parents grieving autism

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I think it's mostly a semantics issue. The word "grief" is associated with death. In that light, it's pretty insulting and inappropriate to grieve a living child. You can feel sad, worried, or scared about an autism diagnosis. You might have all sorts of negative feelings about it. "Grief" shouldn't be one of them.

I don't think autism is something to "grieve over." It's something to "take action on."

Yeah--that could be it. Emotional vocabulary is not exactly my personal aptitude, so I don't tend to question it unless it is from a completely different emotional category.

Welcome back, btw!

The term "grieve" is used because it's assumed that person a born with autism has no chance in life. Which is erroneous.

Yeah-that makes sense. I guess I was taking it more to mean grieving a lack of an easier time for the child vs actually grieving a lost person. I assumed it was meant non-literally b/c usually it is NTs who say it.

I know this may seem like an odd comparison, but I can’t help but notice the parrells between people grieving the loss of the preconception that their child is allistic when they find out that the child is autistic, in comparison to parents grieving the loss of the perception that their child is straight and/or cis when they find out they are gay, bi and/or trans.

Sure, it’s not the same, but I would say that the concerns that some parents have about their autistic child, are partly..in some ways... similar to the concerns of parents with LGBT children in some cases.

Not to say that the two things are inherently exclusive from one another and that they cannot co-exist in certain individuals.

“What if my child gets bullied or never fits in because of this? Maybe we will struggle to form a connection, I always imaged their life would be a certain way and now I know it never will, of course I love my child but all of this is hard to process.

I don’t want their life to be hard, but this has the potential to make my child’s life more difficult, and there’s nothing I can do. The World is a tough place, and there are people out there who will hate my child simply for existing and being who they are.

Some may even blame me for being a bad parent, thinking that my kid is this way because of me, due to the way I raised them. I’m not ashamed of them, but I just wish there was a way to keep them safe from the hatred of the World, and for people to realise that my child isn’t this way because they chose to be because they never chose anything. They’re not trying to be difficult, just themselves.”

If you look at the above concerns, they could easily be said by either a parent with a child with an ASD, or a parent with an LGBT child and the statements would still ring true, albeit for different reasons.

On another forum that I go on, there is a parents’ section for parents with LGBT children. That section mainly deals with parents trying to either understand and/or accept their child. One of the threads there talks about the stages a parent may go through when accepting that their child is LGBT. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Aka, the five stages of grief.

People trying to accept that they themselves are LGBT also may experience the five stages of grief, but not always. It varies greatly depending on the person, some accept themselves straight (no pun intended) away, whilst for others it takes time.

I have to wonder if it’s the same for autistic people, perhaps some people here have gone through these stages. Either for their children, or themselves. Maybe both.

Denial

(Autism): They are not autistic/ I am not autistic!

(LGBT): I’m not gay/bi/trans!

Anger

(Can apply to both): IT’S NOT FAIR BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE/ I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE.

Bargaining

(Autism): Maybe if we try X,Y,Z they’ll get better/ I’ll get better/ I don’t need help I just need….

(LGBT): OK, so I’m gay/bi but if I never act on it and just ignore it, then maybe I can live a happy and straight life! (OR) I’ll just ignore the gender dysphoria and maybe I can find another way to cope with it.

Depression

(Both): This is my life now, and I hate it. I’ll never be happy like this.

Acceptance

(Both): You know what? This is OK, and not the end of the World. I am fine with who I am.

I took it to mean that in the book TPGtoA NT parents had describer themselves as grieving when their child was diagnosed as autistic. Therefor I think it is probably best not to take it completely literally. Perhaps the writer of the article is autistic (the OP doesn't say) and took it literally, and that's why they were so upset by the word grief. Without reading the book and the article it's difficult to know.

Spoken and written words are about the only communication I understand, so everyone better say precisely what they mean!



Thanks! I wasn't entirely sure anyone would have noticed I was gone, tbh.

How can I not remember Yippy Skippy Peanut Butter?

Isn't she from next door or has links there?

When one speaks of "grief," one speaks of something which is "lost."

When one speaks of autism, one might "grieve" because the opportunity for a "normal" childhood was "lost." That the kid will, somehow, not grow up "normal" and be a "normal" adult. That the autistic person might be dependent upon the parents for life.

However, the alternatives to a "normal" childhood could be at least as good and qualitative as a "normal" childhood. Many people with autism could live an independent life---whether on benefits or working. Some can even "surpass" many NTs.

I don't believe the autism diagnosis should be the basis for "grief." The person hasn't died. You haven't "lost" the person.

I can understand if a parent is upset with the autistic diagnosis, though.

YippySkippy used to post quite a bit here. She has a decent post count.

Of course, she might have posted in other places, too.

"Next door" meant Ireland. The Mexican bit - can't remember where exactly. I'm sure she will enlighten.

I believe Yippy is a Yank.

With family in the old sod. We have discussed the border.

Could be....I have some vague memory of her mentioning some Irish relative or whatever (but, it could have been someone else).