Any ideas for punishments ?

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I dont know if this is just "aspie" kids(since that is all I experienced)or true of all kids....but I think that parents dont realize the intelligence of their kids because they base their judgement on what the child is saying(since they cant actually read minds,even if we thought they could )and not what they are thinking.I still remember a lot of "thoughts" I had as a very young child,5-7ish,when I was first adopted.I was not able to verbilize my thoughts very well but I was able to see the illogic, hypocracy and unfairness of many of my parents actions and words.

If I tried to explain "why" I had done something...I was told to.."not talk back".I knew that even the criminals in court got to defend themselves.I also like the concept of "conciquences" over punishment.It's a matter of applied logic.Our whole lives are defined by consequinces and I think it is helpful for kids to get use to this idea.If I dont pay the bills because I am lost in my obsessions and procrastinating....I will pay a fine or have my lights shut off.I respond well to logic and I think many aspie kids would(having a mathmatical/analytical nature).If you do A,B will result.If you do A because you dont yet have the "skills" to do A...I wont punish you, I will find creative ways to teach you to do A....To punish a baby for wetting it's diapers is absurd and sets it up for frustration and a "no win" sense of the world that leaves it feeling anxiety and lack of trust for it's caretakers.

If I choose to do A then I know that it is fair when B happens.I made a concious choice and must live with the consequinces.Please tell me one adult who does not do this at times?Do you ever speed(just a little)knowing that you are taking a chance on getting a ticket....if you get one,dont you except the consequinces with grace?If I broke a glass while washing it...I would get yelled at,shamed,lectured and then they seemed to stay mad at me.I thought(at 7!!),the logical thing to do was to make me clean it up and take my allowance until it was paid for.Honestly,I would have taken the swat on the bottom over the 10 minutes of painful yelling and lecturing with no ability to "talk back".I may not have had the "proper" respect for adults just because they were older or bigger, but I did actually want them to like me and the message I got from them was that I was a bad,lazy,selfish,foolish,inconsiderate,useless,annoing person....because of these messages, I made some very bad mistakes in my adolescence looking for approval and self-esteem.Just some food for thought.

The worst thing my parents did to me was ask me to leave their house at 16.....ofr an aspie,that was abuse because I wasn't capable of taking care of my basic needs,at that point(food,money)and the freedom lead me into making some very harmful decissions(I was very trusting and nieve about peers and got taken advantage of).The idea that my mother disliked me so much that she couldnt share the same house with me,did hurt my sense of self as I did try and stay out of her way,when home,got good grades,didnt smoke or drink,etc.I didnt see how I could be such a bad kid,so it did mess with my mind a little but I dont know if that is "actually"abuse,more neglect.

Anyway,I agree that parent seem to "project" on to us.My mother was always telling me to "stop crying,you are not going to get your way or make me feel sorry for you"...I honestly dont think I was trying to do either.I just felt bad and tears came out.I did learn to go to my room and cry without making any sound.I was never a "tantrum/meltdown" kid,I would just start crying when over whelmed and confused.It really seemed to bother her and I could not understand why....once agin,it was my body,not hers and I simply could not help it.

We've found our 9 year old is usually in trouble because he argues back +++. We worked out this was because he didn't always understand what we were saying.

So now I get him to sit next to me while I type out on the computer what is happening, and why we're not happy with his behaviour.

This works most of the time because he then can understand what is going on.

Also we tell him what we want him to do. A lot of times we tell our children what NOT to do, when when we would be better off telling them what we want them to do.

Helen

The thing that's also important to remember, and Smelena has obviously picked up on it - is some of us don't respond well to verbal commands. We seem to have a delay in processing the information and therefore can easily forget it. When something is written down, we can refer to it again if we aren't sure. Asking a person to repeat themselves several times because we didn't "get" what they said the first time generally makes them impatient.

My mom was a hippie so punishment was pretty rare, almost non-existant. She grew up in a very, very wealthy family where the kids were always taught that they were allowed to do anything they felt like doing except act rude in a social setting. As a result, my mom was one of those moms that wanted to be our best friend. Rather than punish us for doing wrong she'd just sit us down for a talk. Then that was that. She assumed if she was mad that we'd understand, if told in a clear, precise manner what was "wrong" with our behavior, and not do it again. I kind of wished at times that she had punished me in a realistic manner; for example, I don't think a thing of overdrawing a bank account because she will usually just give me money. Not too beneficial is my view now at age 27.

To be quite frank, those don't sound like "behaviors" but autistic traits; lack of focus, difficulty in transition, dealing with abstract instructions (doing well in school?) and the classroom situations.

It's a big list of sins you think he's committing and he does them for different reasons. It's not about "not doing as he's told"-according to the list you've given.

Does he have an IEP in place? What are they doing to help him with transitions?

Krex, thanks very much for that. I've printed off your response and am going to take it to Parent/Teacher tonight. That may help his teacher deal with him too.

What I wouldn't give to be able to spend a day in his head ! !

I wrote a very long rambeling rost that was "erased" when WP went down... .So,I will keep this a bit shorter,as it is now 3am.

Some other issues that you might want to investigate.(I love to Google).Two issues that many people with AS have that could effect there concentration(above and beyond the AS),are sleep difficulties and problems eating a well balanced meal.I dont know what causes the former but I have been nocturnal since childhod.Inspite of "bed-time",I would seldom fall asleep before 2am and had to get up by 6 or 7am for grade school.I think this is called "late onset insomnia".Lack of sleep in NT or AS will cause mood swings and lack of concintration.Although I had more food tolerance(only a few smells,tastes,textures bother me)many with AS have difficulty eating a diet that gives them all the vitamins and minerals for their brains to work optimally.A high potency multivitamen with minerals may help,as well as fish oils.There is also some theories that people with AS may have some "gut issues",not getting as much benefit from the foods they do eat(I have IBS),so even a balanced diet may not provide full benifits.Just something to consider.

Other testing they can do to help understand what "learning issues" he may have......(please goggle the following)


Executive function difficulties(difficulty organizing and breaking things down into steps)
Auditory Processing disorder(difficulty hearing words with background noise,plenty of that in a class room)Many of us read lips
Handwriting problems(School may allow him to use a computer to do school assignments)
Dyslexia and dysgraphia....dont let his over all ability to read or do math rule out these as possible problems.I have been an avade reader since childhood but I dont see words as group of letters,I see them as shapes and learn to tell what the word is through process of elimination based on context....I've read thousands of books and still cant spell.

Intelligence testing...can show some of the "uneven cognitive functions"(My BF has the IQ of a 3 year old in some areas and very bright in many others.There are tests to show were his weak spots maybe and some possible compensations.

Please let us know how your meeting went.There are many parents here who can walk you through advocating for your child with a "stingy" school system.