Does your child say "I love you"?

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O.k I cant help myself sorry.
There is much I want to say, but it is all going to come off sounding abusive I guess. Ah well someone needs to look out for your step daughters rights.
Lets start with the cat issue, animals (pets) show unconditional love kids are real good at picking up on this. Pets dont show predjudice to people, people do, hence your step daughters trust, respect and affection for the cat.
Next perhaps a small issue, but it bothered me a little. Why the need to point out that said young lady is not your daughter? I could be reading lots into this, has the young girl picked up on this also at some stage. Just a thought.
Now the issue at hand, I dont have a daughter but my friend has an NT 15yr old daughter, and she stopped recently showing any affection at all to her mother, this is all very normal teenager behaviour.
Why would you want to teacher this young girl to lie? Or to teach her to give physical affection ( when she doesnt want to) just because she owes someone or because someone is demanding it? You could be setting her up for all sorts of problems. You even said yourself that you are punishing her because dad wants longer hugs, sorry regardless of her dx thats sick. Im not saying that because I think there is anything underhanded going on, just that, talk about emotional black mail!
You got upset because you felt that you were getting abused, imagin how this young girl is feeling. If you've been doing your reading as you said you need to read it all. AS kids/adults have a tendancy to take things literally. Does dad no longer love her because he cant get exactly what he wants from her? She may be feeling this now, and honestly I dont blame her. You all need to be thankful that she was hugging him at all. Another friend of mine has a 13 year old autistic daughter who up until about 2 months ago had never said I love you or given her mother a hug.

Oh. Geez. Well, that explains some things. I thought we were talking about a smallish kid.

I've parented a couple of girls through adolescence, and both of them (one 100% NT, the other with some AS traits, but not to the level of diagnosability) got funny about giving me hugs when they hit their teens. The long, tight, no holds barred hugs gave way to quick, tentative and awkward hugs. Part of it was probably feeling uncomfortable with the changes their bodies were going through, and part the urge to seperate from the parents that almost all teens experience. The latter part of that led to some expressions of contempt, but that, too, is far from unusual. As Mark Twain said, "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

Had I expected either of them to come to my bed and give me a long hug, innocent as that act might be, they would have been totally creeped out.

I think this is mostly an adolescence issue.

Last edited by geek on 24 Oct 2007, 10:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I totally agree.

I can assure you, speaking from experience, that will just bring a lot of resentment. It reeks of emotional blackmail.. We do this and this for you so you must give us a return or you do not deserve all we do for you. And that is exactly how it will sound to the one hearing it.

I'm ashamed to admit that I've grown distant from my mother, mainly because I know she doesn't understand me. We barely talk. I can't remember the last time I said "I love you." A lot of what has been said here seems like my own experience. It makes me want to try putting in some effort.

Yes, it sounds exactly like that. "We brought you into this world, thus forcing you to be dependent on us. Until you achieve independence, you will be grateful to us for all that we do for you, otherwise you are A BAD PERSON."
That's how it always comes across, no matter how it's meant.

I don't think I've ever told my parents that I loved them. (For the record, I don't. I may have, once, I don't recall. I don't dislike them, though. )

There are ways other than hugs and words to show people that you love them. Many Aspergians are uncomfortable with physical contact; the idea of a hug of any length with any of my family (pets aside) makes me squirm, and not in a good way. To get an understanding of what it's like, imagine that to prove you loved someone, they were demanding that a man who you hated had to grope you. That is the response that unwanted physical contact can induce in us. Compliance doesn't sound so reasonable now, does it?
As for words... words are words. They don't necessarily mean anything. I declare my love for people until the cows come home, it still wouldn't change my indifference towards most of the human race. However, if you are happy with a meaningless on-demand phrase, I wish you luck in getting it.

Is it possible that she is showing her love in other ways? Have you observed her and tried to find out?

a very common and meant phrase at our home. Since losing my husband unexpectedly 2 years ago, my kids and I are much more apt to speak those words. I am not sure any of us will stop regretting that is not the last phrase he heard from us. I was recently in he hospital and a nurse remarked about my calls with the kids always ending in a quick "i love you". usually in reponse to both AS ans NT kids.

i do what i do for my kids cuz im the parent and they love and trust me cuz im their parent.... i hope i never hold over their heads what i do for them simply to get them to act like i think they should .... all i do ask is for respect in the way they talk to me and family members..... other than that if they are cuddly or stand offish thats who they are.... i dont get it im on here to try to get questions answered or because im worried i dont know enough to help my baby.... not to say Poor me.... i have a great son he is different but thats what makes him great(challenging oh yep but still wonderful)

this is the perhaps the most positive post on here, thanks!

I agree with you, forced affection only screws people up. I can't think of a particular horror film, where this comes into play. However, I'm sure none the less, that it would make someone feel a sense of powerlessness. The dad has to realize that his daughter has different boundries than NTs. Not only that, but it's more of an issue because it is a female/male relationship. I mean, what if she feels when she grows older the way to get guys, is to obey them. That's a set up for an abusive relationship right there.

There are other ways of displaying love than verbalizing it. Why isn't that valid for the father? The whole thing is just wrong. The dad probaly should see a psychatrist if this continues to be a problem. Someone who can explain to him what AS means, and how he's terrifying his daughter by putting her into a situation where she feels she must behave in a way against her will.

As most of you probaly know, children on the spectrum have more of a flight or fight reaction than NTs. So to her this might feel the same way it would for a NT, if someone with a chainsaw was coming after them. Yes that is an exaggeration, however from what I recall from school and feeling trapped, I did feel as terrified as if someone was after me. I think I started watching horror films in high school, because every day I experienced that feeling of terror. All the dad is doing is completely screwing up her relationship ability towards men. If he doesn't cut it out, he'll regret it when she brings home a jerk of a boyfriend.

Also punishing someone for not behaving "normally" when they are on the spectrum, is one of the most cruel things a person can do. People on the spectrum are no less people than someone who isn't. By treating them as if they're doing something wrong, by behaving in a way they may not be able to control, only will lead to self-hatred. It's like punishing a toddler learning to walk, for tripping and falling down. It's that rediculous and useless. The daughter will have more than enough trouble from society for not being NT. She doesn't need it at home as well.

15 can be a difficult age even without having AS: puberty, hormonese, change, incressed responsability, more compicated social issues, the strive for indepenance, trying to assert oneself even as parents aren't ready to let go, incressed school load, rebellion.
At 15 even my NT siblings were less inclined to show affection or say I love you some other NT teenagers I knew were quite disrespectful to their parents, I don't approve but it seemed relativly normal.
It sounds like she is having some other issues as well which may have nothing to do with AS.
While her response, saying nothing, to being asked what she would feel if her father died is harrowing it could be interpreted many ways. (Anger, She doesn't want to talk about it and is thus avoiding the issue, Nothing could equal numb or too overwellming to process, she doesn't fully understand how to prosses such a human emotional response to a hypathetical question related to something she doesn't want to concieve, shes being spiteful, among others).
Not responding to 'I love you' doesn't appear to be all that uncommon. Perhaps she doen't like constanly responding to it as she sees it as common knowledge and expects that her response or recipriocity should be common knowledge too. Maybe she's tonning her surroundings out and doesn't pick up on it all the time. Maybe she doesn't take compliments to well and fazes them out. Maybe she is upset. There is a lot that could be going on.
A 1.3 second hug can be a long time, sometimes close contact is hard can only last a split second or needs to be avioded.
There are different meanings of love, by saying feelings I gather you are talking about emotional love, the most common type, emotion can't be commanded, you can't tell someone what to feel and expect them to feel it. Further an emotion, affection and such, are personal they are not owed to others like courtesy or dignity.
Maybe if she is having anger issues she thinks that it is more courtious to not respond to 'I love you' than to respond in anger, or she remembers her anger in saying 'I hate you' and is to still to ashamed to respond to his expession of affection. Her silence might not even mean anything malicous as such connections involve nonverbal forms of communication which many aspies lack an understanding of. They can also give off signals that they don't relise or intend.
If the silence bothers you guys so much maybe you could tell her that she is expected to respond with a 'thank you' or 'ok' so that you are aware that she has recieved the message. Maybe this seems like an obviouse expectation but she might not be aware of it. Aspies don't tend to automatically pick up on social convention.
There seems to be alot of emotional problems related to this issue that are hurting everyone involved; you, the girl and her father. Maybe the best thing would be to try to work out these issues with a mediater in a non-threatening environment like with a family therapist, religious leader, a counselor or another trusted but uninvolved party without a stronger tie to any one person and no connection with the issue. Outside help can seem invasive but can be very helpful.