Help me get chores and homework on my aspies agenda!

Post Reply New Topic

True, but if it's so favourite, wouldn't they pick it up when they were asked?

Not if they didn't see the point in doing so, or liked it in whatever particular spot in laid in. It might just be a toy on the floor to you, but to us it might be in the best spot for the light reflecting off of it, which makes us happier when we pick it up, or something else that would seem equally ridiculous to, but is extremely important to us.

Don't forget - I'm Aspie too but nobody cared about anything like that when I was little. I guess the parent could leave the favourite toy where it lies and just clear away all the others - that might just solve the problem.

Reading this made want to scream LIKE THIS, and smash the keyboard against the monitor screen. My parents used to do something similar to that. Whenever they saw my toys left out for too long ("too long" from their perspective, that is), they'd hide them somewhere, leaving an empty shelf where the toys normally go. Whenever I'd go up to them, and ask about the toys, they'd say: "What toys? We're not sure what you're talking about." If I tried saying "the ones you cleaned up" or asking them to go into the living room so they'd see the empty shelf, they would say: "We remember cleaning, but we still don't know what toys you're talking about." Obviously, I'd have a meltdown, and end up getting a spanking in the end. Sure, I was unhappy as a result but <sarcasm>as long as the room looked neat, who cares</sarcasm>. Is it any wonder that don't want kids for as long as I live?

Ah perhaps I should backtrack. What I meant was if the toys have become a tripping and slipping hazard. This could be overcome by having a place for the child or children where they can spread out their toys without having them disturbed.

Packing the toys away would be a desperation measure, not a first resort. Much of the trouble is due to the proliferation of toys in most households and then the toys get into areas where little pieces do create a tripping hazard. Much as it's wonderful to foster creativity, the other people in the household also deserve consideration. I was never suggesting it would be easy.

If you saw elsewhere, I also said too much could be expected in the way of chores. If the stuff is in the child's own room then it's best to turn a blind eye. Homework is also something where too much is expected of kids.

Wasn't there a post somewhere on here where someone realized they had a problem with their teen son when they tried to pack away his belongings as punishment - he respondend by going to the kitchen and getting a knife to threaten them with, something they never imagined he would do

That's pretty scary. What I was trying to get at was it's not the aspie kid who should be running the whole household. Other people live there too and consideration has to be given to what's good for them too.

My little sister and brothers got into my belongings and destroyed or damaged some but mum didn't have much sympathy as she said she couldn't watch them every minute while I was at school. It had a strange effect after I while because I started giving away lots of things to the op shops and never wanted to have anything nice in case it got wrecked.

So I can see both sides of the story and I think the best way to deal with it is to have fewer rather than more toys in the first place: less mess to worry about.

Here's what I ended up doing. I picked my battles very carefully. Homework is not a big issue. My son hates it. Most of the time it's silly busy work like study sheets, and he's not interested in it. His teacher this year is very receptive to helping him out. So for those awful five page study sheets, he looks up the answers and dictates them to me. He's doing the work. I'm just playing scribe. I give him anywhere from 2-3 hours break before we even consider doing homework.

For projects . . . we don't have this problem. he's usually more engaged with some sort of project than with the daily homework of math problems. I've worked with the teacher to have assignments lessened, alternative assignments given, alternative routes to doing the assignment. Anything to get the awful busy work done and turned in.

As far as chores . . . at one point, after we first moved from my parents house, I had this vision that we would spend a couple of hours on the weekend taking care of the weekly chores. It doesn't work. I tried point systems, but those ended up being to complicated for me. What I eventually ended up doing is choosing a few things that I felt needed to be my son's responsibility. He has to help take care of his dog, and he's responsible for taking care of his hamster, including cleaning the cage and feeding it. I will help, if he asks, and he does like to have some help getting the old bedding out. He does these things without much fuss. He also has to keep the floor of his room clear enough that he can vacuum up the shavings from his hamster, because they always end up in the floor, and enough that I can get to his dresser and closet to put away laundry. For doing these chores, he receives an allowance of $5 a week and gets to go someplace to spend his money, if he wants.

If he makes a mess, I ask him to clean it up. By mess, I mean things like spilled mouthwash in the bathroom, not toys scattered everywhere. At the end of the week, I will ask him to take anything that belongs to him out of the living room to his room and put it away. A lot of times he's eager to help out with dinner because he likes to cook, especially if there's some task he can do on his own. If he assists with something, like cleaning the bathroom on his own, then he gets an additional reward.

I discovered that I was expecting too much from him, and he was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, so I just backed off.

I have another suggestion for those who have problems with kids leaving toys all around, etc. We have everything sorted into plastic bins- like Rubbermaid ones. All the bins are on the kids' closet shelves- too high for them to reach. They are allowed one bin down at a time basically. They also have a few favorite toys readily availabe at all times. If they want to play with something else, they have to clean up everything they've been playing with and put it back in the bin. Then we trade bins from the closet shelf. It really helps to keep the mess down to a manageable amount and helps the kids not get overwhelmed too badly.

We do insist that all toys are removed from the living room before dinner as well. I remind the kids to clean up while I'm making dinner usually. If they don't clean it up, I have a basket in the living room that I throw anything left out in to- they can put them away later. It's such a part of their routine that we rarely have a problem with cleaning up toys and messes. We live in a very small house for 5(soon 6) people and organization and cleaning routine is key to keeping this place liveable. My kids learned pretty quikly last year when my sister and her new puppy moved in with us, that they had to keep their stuff cleaned up or it would get ruined. Our 2 y/o dog is still quite a pup and loves to chew things, especially plastic- the kids really snap into action when I remind them that it's time to let the dogs in for the night and they need to clean up or their toys might get ruined.

When my brother was little, he'd spread his legos around the family room till you couldn't walk in most of the room without stepping on his crap and hurting your feet. No matter how many times I'd ask him to clean up his toys, it had no effect whatosever. Finally I got sick of his bullsh*t one day, and came in the family room wearing my boots.

I strolled all around the room, walking wherever I damned well pleased. If there was something in the way where I was stepping, well then, it got stepped on! I'd had enough.

He was predictably distraught. "Hey! MY TOYS!! !"

My response? "Tough. I've asked you to clean them up at least a hundred times, and have seriously hurt my feet on them at least a hundred more. If you don't want them stepped on, then clean them up. I'm done with this bullsh*t."

The situation improved significantly after I did this. From then on, he made it a point to keep them on the coffee table and out of the floor.

Basically, he didn't care until I made the toys all over the floor his problem (the toys are getting marched on) instead of mine (my feet are getting hurt). Once it was demonstrated that it was clearly in his best interests to clean them up, he did so. Sometimes, you've just got to buckle down and be a hardass about it, if you want any progress out of people.

the living room belongs to everyone in our house... if I don't want toys on the floor, this does not somehow pre-empt my child's preference for the toys to be on the floor. Whoever the state of the toys is most important to will make it how they like it. If I want the living room clean I clean it. If he wants the living room messy, he messes it up. If our ideas clash, we have a conversation and suggest alternatives to each other.

My room, however is my room, I can keep it as messy or as clean as I want. His room is his room, he can keep it as messy or as clean as he wants.

We are both aspies (well he is too young for an AS Dx, but will be in the future) and I guess we just treat each other as equals and we love and negotiate with each other. Sure it's more physical work than just screaming at him to pick up his **** toys every day, but is it really more work?

If I have to pick up toys every day for the rest of my life, it would be worth it for our relationship. Just like how I have to go searching across the house for the brush that my wife leaves god-knows-where each evening. Just like I have to take out the trash after my wife stuffs the most insanely crazy shaped thing in there even though I specifically asked her to leave it next to the trash so that I could more easily take it out.

Life is made up of a series of compromises, and I don't want to teach my kids to blindly follow orders.

All that sounds well and good, until the kid becomes an adult.

All professors, even the most laid-back ones, have assignments that the students are supposed to complete in specific ways. (Topic, page length, etc.) Students who just shrug and do whatever they please tend to have poor grades.

All bosses, even the most lenient ones, have certain things they need their employees to do. These things usually have to be done according to specific procedures. Employees who just shrug and do whatever they please tend to not remain employees for long.

All landlords, even the most lenient ones, have certain rules for their tenants. (No noisy parties, don't drive on the grass, use a pooper scooper to clean up after your dog, etc.) Tenants who just
shrug and do whatever they please tend to get evicted.

All nations, even the most progressive ones, have rules that citizens are supposed to follow. (Pay your taxes, don't kill people, don't steal, etc.) Citizens who just shrug and do whatever they please tend to end up in jail.

If you fail to instill at least some respect for order (even if only in the name of his own enlightened self-interest), how will he fare later?

Actually i've found all professors to be open to completing assignments in alternative ways - you just have to ask.




Same with bosses. In fact most bosses are open to suggestions for changing the way the environment is set up if doing so will result in greater profits. When I worked in the factory - somewhere it was very important to follow the rules, we had suggestion boxes just to write down such ideas. And if we added our name and our suggestion was actually incorporated we'd get a $500 bonus.





I've yet to encounter a landlord who doesn't discuss those rules with their tenants before they move in




And every free nation has a system set up so people can change those rules. That's why its no longer legal for blacks to be barred from a restaurant or illegal for women to vote.



Quite a bit better than someone who follows the rules just because they are the rules and never asks or attempts to make suggestions, that's for sure. Can you imagine if she raised her son in a "This is the rule. You must follow it. That's it" attempt. he'd fare worse in college because he'd be afraid to ask the professor for exceptions when he needed them, he'd fare worse in work because he'd be afraid to suggest to the boss ideas for improvement that would cause him to be looked upon as an insightful employee who'd eventually be doing great things for the company, and he'd fare worse with landlords and governments because he'd be afraid to comment on rules/laws etc that weren't working or were just plain wrong and to bring up suggestions for how both the tenants/citizens and landlords/government could reach their goals with minimal negative impact on the other. he'd just be a blind coward who would either be too afraid to improve his surroundings or completely unaware that he not only can do so, but has a right to do so.

If kids are allowed to do everything they want to without considering other people, they'll usually grow up into irresponsible people and that's hardly a desirable outcome.

How about asking him what HE wants to do? He has problems with perception, not reason. Controlling him with taking away his toys/comptuer/tv will make him hate you. When you say, "you can use the computer after you perform unpleasant menial labour," that is NOT a reward, that is a lack of punishment! This is a great time to teach him the value of win-win scenarios.

Nothing hurts a child with that mindset more than an arbitrary authority based on forcing him to do things he hates. You say he's "doing his own thing"? PERFECT!! !

Schools are not there to teach. They are there to control. Put "John Taylor Gatto" into Google and you'll see what I mean.

This is a major turning point in your kid's life, when the outward, hyperactive behaviour goes to the flip side and becomes internalized in its focus. You can spare your son many years of misery if you take him the hell out of that miserable abattoir for human souls called public school.

not everyone has the ability nor opportunity to just yank their kid out of public school...........yes, school is difficult and filled with people who either don't understand or don't care ......so is the world. isolating yourself from your problems does not fix your problems.