Emotionally Needy Autistic Child

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Siuan:
Most kids go through that when they're angry....like if she's the older kid, she can't ask you to return the baby brother. .....she'd probably like to.

Praise isn't always verbal. That's hard to explain, as a matter of fact, I can't explain it. But it's a kind of acceptance or an occasional marveling at what a kid is doing....not overdoing it. "catch her doing something right," as they say. But don't take other people's examples of what to say on those occasions, because it's not yours, and your expressions have to be your own to be spontaneous and believable. You can't be distant with a kid. You don't have to. You're Mom. The kids look up to you, and believe me, no matter what you might think, you ARE up to it. When your kids learn how you act when you like something they did, it'll be as strong a factor as how you act when you don't like something they did. Kids are very good at figuring that out. It doesn't matter whether all you say is "yeah, that's great." or "yeah!" with the right inflection. They'll get the approval in your voice and your actions. Just as they'll get the disapproval if you do the same thing with you don't approve of something. Just wait until your daughter brings home her first boy-friend (as my wife says, "what girl will be good enough?).....there have been a couple.

The bathroom issues, and all the other brother and sister issues are going to require a psychologist. Notice, I did not say a psychiatrist. They aren't that serious. They're normal. Culture is an imposed set of behaviors, and some of them are not what the individual would do if left alone.

Now to the most important part. Your own sanity. Well, you and your husband's sanity. This is a "work together" issue. That's what my wife and I did, and the kid turned out at 18 to be pretty neat! I don't know what kind of a relationship you and your husband have, but my relationship with my wife is more of a basically solid one, a share the work one, and a share the relaxation one. You can both keep each other sane, if you talk to each other. I mean, really (quietly) complain to each other. (Don't know if most AS people can do this. My wife and I are lucky, but she's NT.) still, we sat around and complained to each other 15 minutes every night (timed) about what the kid was doing. It made both of us feel better. I think, looking back, that we did a pretty good job (we didn't have a rule book either). But know this. You can't help your kids unless YOU are okay, and having an AS child can drive you NUTS! But that's okay. The kid is okay, and get the issues with the sister settled (or as settled as they're going to get with a couple of children) and you'll find that later in life, they'll both be very protective of each other. If you're this kind of people, a big dish of popcorn on the couch after the kids are out of it for the night, some television, and a little physical contact can do wonders for the old sanity, and I'm not totally talking about sex. I'm talking about neck rubs and things that relax each of you....and make you feel like the two of you are in it together! Heck, there is strength there!

You're not alone. We've all been through this particular one, and we all made it through somehow. Come on over to the parents group, and you might find that there are a lot of people who have better instincts than I do. After all, I was a little boy, not a little girl. You have that on your daughter, you were once a little girl. You went through a lot of it.

Good luck,
Beentheredonethat.

The star chart is a great idea. My parents had one of those when my siblings and I were little and my first grade classes had simular policies. They are quite effective B-Mod technics of positive reinforcement.

I used charts like that when I taught school. Some kids really did respond well to them, so if that's what works for a certain kid, by all means use it. They don't work for other children, though, so you've got to find out what works best for the kid you have.

I brought my child up to not expect to get anything for behaving properly - I didn't want to get started with a "well, what do I get if I do what you want" kind of thing. Some of her friends were paid off for grades or behavior while she was taught that decent grades and proper behavior were what was expected of her as a matter of course. Her friends' parents had a heck of a time of it when their kids hit adolescence with having to negotiate to get them to do anything. I don't know that there's a definite cause and effect relationship effect there, but I do have to wonder, as the families we know that didn't follow that practice didn't seem to have to deal with the "what's it worth to you" scenario later on.

It's the same reason I've never paid her for doing household chores. She lives in this family and she needs to contribute to the well-being of the family because she is a member, not because she'll get paid off for it. I've seen a lot of kids grow up to be adolescents who felt no sense of responsibility, and wondered if it was because the only time they had to do anything as a child they were given a payoff to do it?

That's a heck of a long way from a four-year-old with occasional accident problems, but might be something to think about when planning your strategies. It comes down to parenting styles, the child's personality, and expectations, in the long run, I guess.

Best of luck to you, whatever you figure out! As I said, I don't envy that problem one bit.

I'm not sure if you need a psychologist for this issue? Won't it be really expensive? I think it's the green-eyed monster (and sometimes jealousy issues don't arise straight away). For instance, I finally got a baby sister after four brothers.

I was thrilled at first but once she became a toddler, she got far more attention because she was really cute and used to get into my stuff. Even at 12, I thought I wasn't attractive or likeable so behaved quite badly sometimes and I'm rather ashamed at how jealous I got.

My parents were good people but simply did not have the time to follow up any concerns they might have had at the time. They were a bit worried but thought I would just grow out of any disturbing behaviours and become more outgoing later on. Dad worked long hours and mum had 7 children in 12 years and I am the eldest.

Haha, yeah, pretty sure I don't.

I've been reading some books I have on children and parenting and it seems jealousy, no matter how fairly things are handled, can be an issue for most siblings at some point. I just try to think of what I hoped for as a kid and try to offer that.

Nan you are right this will not work for all children it does depend on brain type and function. It does work on most though, and seems to beworking on for this girl. It is best if it is intermitten (you don't get the stars all the time or on a fixed schedual) and gradually risees as you need to do more to earn the star. This policy sould not be lets just reward for chores or expected behavior all the time, that would be counter intuitive and should only really be used with ODD and CD as kids with that brain structure require continous reward [their Behavioral Activation System is over-active and their Behavioral Inhibition Cycle is under-active, so they are always seeking reward with out concern of negative consequences and will either get it in a positive way or fill that void by a socially unexceptable means]. I never got an allowence growing up and I didn't get stars for doing my normal chores expected of me. This wasalso not a long term system for my parentsas my siblings and I didn't always need it. I don't think rewarding good behavior on occasion is wrong, actually it is quite good. Intermitten positive reinforcement helps to fortify acceptable behavior and implants the concept that good behavior is more rewarding than bad behavior, mix it with clear consequences for innapropriate behavior and it is more effective than just the consequenses for misbehaving.