Hi !
I'm fairly new to my 9yr olds diagnoses to. So as you are i am on a huge learning curve, please don't stop posting here. You do obviously care about whats going on with your daughter
I wonder if she is taking all her stresses out on you and your family because it's safe, she knows what to expect even if she doesn't like the outcome she knows you all still love her. If she was to do this at school god knows what would happen. She sounds very scared and frustrated, frustrated with being herself and being stuck in an NT world, with NT expectations.
My 9yr old isn't violent except towards his much older brother ( I'm lucky I guess, my older son isn't tho lol)
We have learnt to give him down time, let him start the talking after school, ask no questions get no negatives. We dont even touch him unless he wants to be touched. ( he is usually extremely touchy feely)
I have a 4 year old nephew that annoys the cr%p out of my son, just his presence will stress my son sometimes, little kids are loud and demanding, and its frustrating when your expected to be nice to them because they are little. ( mind you the 4yr old and my 9yr old are usually the best of friends)
You mentioned that she likes to unwind with a shower, maybe you could try water play. Water is very soothing, check out the post about " I think my child is possessed" there are some tips in there. I would make this her special activity that only she can do unless she invites her siblings to join her. AS kids have very little control over their lives, I think they need something that they feel they can have some control over.
My son likes to de stress with either the computer or his nintendo ds, is your daughter into something that may help? We ask nothing of him whilst he is playing, depending on how bad his mood seemed it may take half an hour or more before he is back in a god head space, then we count him off the computer to get him to do what ever he needs to do. eg he hasbeen playing for half an hour , J you need to save your spot in 10 minutes I need to you to do something, J 5 minutes mate then save your spot, J save your spot now, come help me do ? and you may be able to play agian later. If he acts up and wont co operate there is no play later, if he does what I've asked yep he gets a little longer on his game when he has done what was asked of him. His special time is his tho, his big brother isn't allowed to take over. I have discovered I expect as much out of my 9 year old as I would from my 4 year old nephew. Its hard to reason with a toddler ( you probably wouldn't try to hard) I know my kids limitations. Its hard work and some people will think your AS kid is spoiled but they need to know you can't expect the same results from an AS kid as you would an NT kid.
With the yelling at her, she probably automatically shuts down the minute you start to get angry-my son does. All he hears is the tone of voice, not the words. I have learnt to simply remove him from what ever the situation is, give us both time to calm down before I try to talk to him, then keep it simple. Eg You hurt your brother when you hit him, now he is cross/sad. Maybe you didn't mean to hurt him, but now you need to say your sorry. Then I usually have to listen to his reason for why he did what he did, ( he usually thinks he has a valid reason) This may mean that I need to be seen talking to his older brother as well. Both kids need to apologies. The older kid needs to understand that most of the time J reacts he doesn't think things thru he doesn't mean what he did and is usually devastated that he has hurt his brother, sometimes when it's pointed out to him what he did was wrong he gets defensive ( cause he feels he can't do anything right) and will keep acting badly.
Sorry Im rambling on now you asked for tips and I'm giving you some of what works at my house any way, hope some of this helps. When all else fails post on wrong planet your not alone in your frustrations, these kids aren't easy kids and what works for one may not work for another. Good luck. Sorry again this post was so long.
09 Jan 2008, 4:24 pm
