Honesty and lying

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Those lies do sound like typical teen ones to fit in with her peers. As for not talking to the person on line, there is more than one possible reason for that - A) She knew you would be upset B) She was telling the truth - you don't "Talk" to a person on line, you write to them C) she just doeesn't want you to know every detail of her life

When i was younger I always answered questions literally. Now I still do that, but with a hint of humor to my tone, which gives me time to figure out what their asking. So when I was younger if I had just hung up the phone, and someone walked in and said "Who are you talking to?" I said no one, because I wasn't talking to anyone. After all that conversation on the phone was over.

I also remember once telling all my friends I'd get grounded if a friend came over before my dad had been given a 24 hour notice of their arrive. In actually, I could probably have a party every day and my dad would never notice. It was just my one friend showed up unannounced the one day and it drove me crazy because it completely through off my predetermined schedule for how the day should go

Our son lies a lot. I try to remind him about deposits in his "trust bank" but he doesn't either care, or hopes that he can get away with it for as long as possible. Some of the things that he says he truly believes. Sometimes he wants to sound smarter, and therefore makes up things to go along with what he's saying. Sometimes I am sure that even though he's making it up, he's sure that it's fact. When I call him on it, he'll insist that it's true forcing me to prove him wrong or just drop it if it's not important. The lying has become a major issue in our house, I'm sometimes mentally worn out at the end of the day. He's 13.

when I first learned how to lie, I was dismayed because everyone tells lies all day long and I never really had before.

For instance 90% of what my parents said were "harmless lies" like... you will fall down if you do X, you will get electrocuted if you do X, you need to save your money because of X, etc etc.

I understand what they were trying to do, but if they had told me "I am worried you will fall" it would not have been a lie. And that was really important to me, because as an aspie I tend to actually listen to what people say and not "what they mean"

Once I realized everyone was always lieing to me, I went through a phase where I lied about everything to everyone, all the time.

I toned it down, but to be honest it continued untill I first started dating the woman that would eventually become my wife. She did 2 things that changed me forever: She told me the truth every time she spoke. She didn't let me get away with stupid lies without calling them out.

I was just not used to real honesty because everything anyone tells you is a lie. Once I realized that she gave me the truth 100% of the time, I did the same thing.

You know, even with NTs i bet a million parent/child arguments could be prevented by parents doing that. There would be no "You are going to get hurt." "No I'm not" "Yes you are." "Nunt-uh, I do this every day" type of arguing going on if parents would just say they were concerned about the child's safety and what could happen instead of making a matter of fact statement about what will happen

Relationship wise, you should be alittle concerned as unfortunately Aspies can be a little naive, but saying that she is nearly 18 and to be supportive would help her more, have you meet this person (boyfriend), maybe invite them around as they could be ok.. but if you try to stop her you could lose her, we also have a habit of feeling like no one understands us, so tend to keep things to ourselves. I still do even now...

I wish I had such supportive parents, being there for her will make such a difference in the long run, try discussing rather than saying things to her, aspie teenagers can be very stubborn and if told do not always listen, like to think its there idea... still feel the grown up approach will work best, take her out to dinner a one and one, and ask from her view points... try and be open minded to her relationship with this on line friend, if she knows your response already she will not want to discuss.

I highlighted individual points in the quote. This is so I can address each of them individually. In the post, asplanet's quote is used to give advice to ConcernedParents, just so it's clear who the pronouns refer to. Now that we cleared that up, here goes.

#1
Make sure you didn't do anything to cause your daughter to keep things to herself. Have you ever reacted (or overreacted) in a way that made her regret sharing something with you. No matter what, keep as calm as possible. Phrases such as "I disagree with your choice" or "I don't like the path you're taking" said in a calm but firm tone are fine; yelling is not. I had some bad experiences with my parents' reactions when I was a kid, so during the past 10 years, all I shared is academic stuff and what happened at work. (I'm now 24)

#2
I cringed when I saw the word "discuss". Many parents use it as a code word for "vent to the kid about what I think of his/her actions, and make him/her agree with me". I really hope you won't be "discussing" things with your daughter like this. Even one "discussion" like that will stop any sharing on the child's part for good. Better yet, don't use the word "discuss"; too many teens are conditioned to fear it. It may be "just a discussion" from your point of view, but from your daughter's, it could be "yelling".

#3
I don't recommend this approach either. In any one-on-one situation, your daughter might feel that has no graceful way to escape, should the conversation become too heated. Also, it's not fair to sell ideas to a captive audience, especially considering the fact that you're a powerful adult, and she's a teenager. If you absolutely must sell your ideas to your daughter, find a moment to do it where she's not captive audience; for example, not while driving her in the car. Better yet, give her a was out; say that she's free to end the conversation any time.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 19 Jan 2008, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I used to lie to my parents, when I was seventeen. I didn't want them to overreact to any of the truths that I was experiencing, so it was easier for me to lie.

SO much great advice. I can't wait to answer all of you but have to work today. And I want to read over and absorb your insights. Thanks to all.

You could probably disguise some calaflouwer in the mashed potatoes.
Mine too has food issues over the years. Broccoli or cheesy broccoli was his fix.

I just wanted to say about lying. A truth in one place can be a lie in another. For instance, if mine needs clothes he only needs to ask (doesn't though). However, though I'd spend any price or make that available, there are certain things I would not equip him with if he asked, for other reasons he could not possibly understand. Goth wear for instance. Doc martins and trench coats. I could have 3 grand sitting on the table in front of him, but were he talking to a classmate who is discussing with him stellar new wear that would in the long run bode badly for him by way of others peoples perceptions or reactions (le, educators, gangs, ect), than it is likely that he might say "Mom won't buy me cool clothes".

A lie to me a truth for him. It may be semantics. It may be a truth on a level too complicated for the restrictions of specific speech. You could ask her to write out what exactly she meant, or why she would imply something that was not true. It could be she was under pressure.
Her friends don't sound really great by the way.

The boy: too bad you can't supeona his ip and sue the little s.o.b.

I was introduced to a parent today by another parent.
I replied, "It's so nice to meet you.."
But truth was I was cringing at the sight of her-and reacting with expected lying.

Now I wonder, is it expected?
Couldn't I just say, Hi, I despise you already. You look so fake, sheltered, and catty-maybe. But your son is a wonderful friend to mine.

To crazymom, I am also mentally exhausted at the end of the day tying to get around the lying or anything that are "triggers".  I do try to keep it together for her sake and mine, but I am human.  I have lost it and I regret when I do.

To triangular trees, I do have to be literal to her.  Sometimes I forget, but she reminds me pretty quickly! Also, she does need her privacy as a teen, except when I am concerned about stuff that can get her into an unhealthy situation.

To shaggydaddy, you are very blessed to have a terrific wife. I hope that someday my daughter can find that in a mate. I like your suggestion of telling her that "I am worried..." because that would NOT be a lie. Great idea.

To asplanet...I understand the naive aspect. That is what concerns me. Sometimes she is so worldly and then just the opposite. And her teen stubborness is an understatement.

To aspie1...yes, yes, yes...I have overeacted sometimes and that just shuts her down. Like I told crazymom above, I have lost it and then I regret it and it makes me so sad. I have yelled but also, she will interpret a discussion as "yelling" when I am not. And, many "discussions" are in the car! That used to be the best place to talk when she was younger, but not now! You are so "right on" with your insights.

To cockneyrebel...I can see how it is easier to lie than deal with the truth.

To seabright...we are trying to show her in little steps how this situation with the boy is not right for her but letting her come to her own conclusion. She IS so bright so I am hoping that this will work. And, wouldn't we all love to answer so honestly and not give a hoot and say exactly what is on our mind!

My son met this very fun light of the party class joker kind of friend. I didn't have a good feeling about him. There was something I couldn't see, ya know. I knew the boys parents had some clout in the community-preachers or something. Still I had a bad feeling about the future.

It wasn't hard to tell my son this, and he was pretty arguementitive about it. The examples and education (of friend in question) did not/could not give him a full picture. If someones arguement is not making sense I don't believe them either. My curiosity peaked, I kept an eye and an ear out. It turns out that the boy's family belonged to a theory of life that fostered and approved of the behaviors he was having and the attitudes he was showing to the world. Making a joke of the teacher to rally the students-things like that. Then I saw him at a school dance. He was behaving like something one would see on dirty dancing with what looked like and what I later found out was a 12 year old girl. Who was unwanted by her family and now living in that family with that boy. My impression was that they were more than just friends.

I normally don't target specific kids vocally in oral teachings-but I *know* my son doesn't want a child at 15, doesn't want to die in a car crash caused by drinking at 17, isn't prone to experimentation *doesn't want* with drugs ect. HOWEVER, if there was anyone in the world who would have CREATED those situations for him-it was that boy right there.

It was a fight.
In the end with all the fighting-my kid may have become more solidified as he had to argue back what he was, who he was, what he planned, and that he doesn't let so and so gauge for him..

Still-that is how it works. Bad or troubled people *need* to recruit others to engage in what they do. It is how they self rationalize their behaviors as valid and deserving.

The boy was still blacklisted from our home, phone, ect; and eventually, though still around, drifted to a different core friend network.

if the changes are abrupt and sudden, look to out side influences like play or school mates.
in the home look to other things, when she/he gets into trouble do you leave few options?
do you give the child a positive and directive way out?
or are you hard as nails to the point the child becomes fearful?
does the punishment fit the crime?

To SeaBright....My daughter is a follower, which does not make me happy. And she does not recognize her gifts and talents. Self esteem. We did ban this boy for several months, but she found a way to communicate with him. This whole situation is distressing my family. We are trying to have her see how wrong he is for her (which is the truth) and she is learning that in baby steps. Thank goodness he is far away...for now.
He can create scary situations and we are hoping she will realize that. Look, worst comes to worst we will stop it instantly if it gets worse. We still have a little time right now and we are monitoring the situation VERY, VERY closely. I have enlisted professional help as well.
Friendships are hard for her. She has a few AS friends and fewer NT friends. Her NT friends find her "amusing" and a "change of pace". It can be a lot of work to be her friend.
PS..you sound like a very cool mom.

To aspergian_mutant....we are trying to replace his influence with very postitive stuff. Other options and opportunities based on her interests. I am not as hard as nails. That could have been the problem. But I do know she feels secure with us and our home and her space. And the punishment does fit the crime. But when you are dealing with a 17 year old, the rules tend to change from when she was younger. Thanks for your thought provoking questions.

I ran away from home at sixteen and can remember clearly how misunderstood I felt as neither myself or my Mum knew that I was an aspie. I am more than happy to chat to you privately about being an aspie teen, or your daughter (in confidence as there must be absolute trust) if chatting to an older girl may help.

We can be very mature and yet raging hormones make our frontal lobes go out of whack for a few years just like NT teens. I was often accused of lying when I wasn't technically, and it made me stop telling my family about anything I was going through unfortunately. When I needed support the most I was on my own trying to deal with it. Now is the time to lay down the trust and open up the communication channels with her as a young adult.

I'm now in my mid thirties and feel like I have a much clearer perspective on an awful time that led to a suicide attempt. However I made it thankfully, have had a fun life, am happily married and I run a dance music label so I work with some amazing teenagers. We often don't give them enough credit or realise what they are capable of. I think young people today are great.

I glad I came across this topic. I have a 10 yr old aspie son who tells some wild tales. One way I figured out if he was telling "stories" (lying) was to go right to the source. If he came home and told me that he was sent to the office at school I usually say really well I guess I need to call the school and find out why you were sent to the office. Then he changes his story completly what he's telling is usually something that happen to another kid in his class. I do encourage him to write his "stories" in a journal. He has such an imagination he amazes me with what he can come up with. So its good to see that my son is not alone in this.