Neighbor whose son is obviously Aspie -- how to give info

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Nothing sounds definitively abusive. I just said it's a possibility, one of many possible explanations to consider. The fact that the parents seem like nice people to the neighbors does not rule it out. All of these things could be caused by extreme stress instead of AS:

It might be a possibility, but I definitely doubt it. I've witnessed abuse in another family years ago, and this does not have any of the "signs" of that. I would especially doubt it because the younger brother is so different from this guy -- social, outgoing, very typical for his age except that he, too, is very bright. As bright as the younger brother is, though, he has not skipped a grade as this guy has. My guess is that the younger brother would have decided against that idea, whereas the older brother would have liked the idea. I think the mother would have possibly had the younger brother skip a grade if she thought he could. The older son may have requested this, since he was already in such a high math class.

I've interacted with the father, and he is a lot easier going than the mother. He's quite a nice guy -- in fact, both parents make a real effort to interact with my son at the bus stop (they both know about his diagnosis, and are obviously trying to help out socially). I've been trying harder to socialize with their son as well, but he has to be asked directly by his mother to look at me and answer me whenever I talk to him. If I happen to find a subject he likes, he can really get rolling and talk, but he really dislikes small talk (as it appears to me, anyway). The mother does try to facilitate his talking with me, and she is a real sweetheart when she drops him off at the bus stop, always telling him to have a great day, always putting a positive spin on things. My son LOVES her, always tells me how nice she is.

I would doubt there's abuse, but I definitely think there could be something other than AS going on.

Kris

I think that he's just suffering from what a lot of kids adopted from other countries are. These children are given up at a very young age and aren't given the love and attention needed when they're still infants. This permanently damages their ability to conect with people and create lasting relationships. Children like these lack emapthy, and often mimic a few sign of AS, but in the end it's just a learned trait.

Simply letting a baby 'cry it out' for five minutes can cause serious problems to the mental help of the child, and unfortunatly in countries like China, orphans aren't given the attention they need.

If only someone would have said something to my mother or I about autism or AS when I was younger, perhaps I could have been spared a lot of grief. It depends on what you value more, your friendship with this neighbor or getting the kid some help. And then, realizing that your words may fall on deaf ears, you may sacrifice a good neighborly relationship for nothing. But at least it will put a bug in someone's ear and give them food for thought.

Mikomi, that's just it -- the mother has already inquired of me about Asperger's and whether or not her son may have it. We talked about it once or twice, and so I don't feel like giving her a book on the subject would be such a bad thing if it might be helpful to her son. He's a good kid, and I would do anything to make life easier for him if I could. And the mother is a great lady -- I really like her. What I'm thinking is that I could hand the book over to her and just say that it's interesting to read about it, so she could understand my son and our other neighbor's son, and if she sees some aspects of her son in what the book talks about, then that's great.

Kris

As a person who has been in the situation of people knowing i had AS and not saying something I would strongly recomend suggesting the child gets a diagnosis that way she will know one way or another.

Here is what i wrote on this topic regarding my own five year anniversary of diagnosis. If you read it you will see why IMO it is important to tell people in a polite way that doesnt sound critical.

Next month on the 20th February will mark the five year anniversary of the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome that changed my life and perception of myself forever. I always knew I was different and suffered greatly in school with bullying and lack of friendships but never thought of myself as being disabled. Being diagnosed happened one week before my 23rd birthday I was just over a year out of university having graduated from a Bachelor of Social Science in December 2001. I had been unemployed since university having applied for hundreds of jobs and being knocked back on a continual basis more than likely due to what I now know is AS. I was beginning to question if I had some sort of condition my first thought was ADHD or ADD.

The diagnosis came about because one day I was talking to a girl who was a long-term friend of mine at the time sadly we have since gone our seperate ways. She was talking about her uncle who had what Elisa called autism. Having met the uncle and seen he could talk I said to her I thought autism was people who couldn't talk or could talk very little she said no and went on to explain the symptoms of Asperger's. I said "that sounds like me" and Elisa said yeah my mum thinks you have a disability (she works with autistic kids) do you want me to talk to her for you. At first I got very defensive and said I am not disabled however after about five minutes I said sure despite the fact I felt embarrased at this given I knew Elisa and her mum really well.

A week later I met Mrs. T. we discussed what she told me was called Asperger's Syndrome and the characteristics of it I became convinced this was what I had it would explain a lot. I went to tell John my step-dad. John told me he had always thought that having seen something on AS on the internet in 1996. I was never diagnosed then because mum rang the psychologist I was seeing at the time and asked her directly M.N claimed that I didn't have Asperger's I just "had social issues". Mum didn't tell me this until after diagnosis. On February 20th 2003 I went for an appointment with Dr. Richard Eisenmajer a clinical Psychologist specialising in Asperger's here in Melbourne did a number of tests and was promptly diagnosed with Asperger's. I found him to be very understanding and helpful he told me a little more about AS.

After diagnosis I did and still do a lot of research on the internet about the condition this has helped me to understand myself as well as to explain it to other people. It has also made me realise where my AS comes from given it is genetic. My dad, grandad and some cousins display characteristics. I find it frustrating at times that organisations such as the police and Vicroads do not know what AS is as they should. However through my own advocasy and pushing these kinds of organisations are now getting a better understanding. Since diagnosis I have been very open about my AS because I beleive that knowledge brings understanding even in five years I have noticed that public awareness of the condition has dramatically improved but more needs to be done.

I will always have a sadness at the ruined and misunderstood childhood I had as a result of being undiagnosed and strongly beleive that M.N should have picked up my condition when I was 16 and that Mrs. T. should have told my mum of her suspicions that she told me she had always had. Part of my knowledge push is that if it can help a child be correctly diagnosed I have done a good thing.

Catster2, thanks so much for your post. It's helpful to see things from your perspective.

Kris

No worries i hope you can find a way to tell her if she is hostile or tells you to go away at least you have done your best and bnrought it to attention.

UPDATE --

I just had a conversation with my neighbor who has a son who I suspect has Asperger's.

I've been avoiding having a big conversation about Asperger's with her, mostly because the advice I've received on this forum suggests that pushing the Asperger's concept with my neighbor may not be warmly received.

Well, today, she told me that she found out through a friend that her son spends most of his day in school reading Harry Potter rather than paying attention in school. Of course, this is a shock to my neighbor, and she is angry with her son. A lot of her anger stems from pushing the school to device "advanced" programs in his class to challenge him, which results in this boy being in class, but not working WITH the class on projects. Apparently he pften spends time doing projects on the class computer. Well, apparently when he's not doing that, he's reading Harry Potter, and not answering questions, and not paying attention. This, understandably, annoys her and frustrates her. Her response is to completely take away his computer games for the weekend.

She brought up the subject that she is going to fill out an ADD questionairre given to her by her general practitioner. Apparently this is the beginning step, and the next step is looking into Asperger's. I'm glad that she is starting this without me suggesting it.

She is very frustrated by this reading of Harry Potter -- she discussed the fact that here she is, trying to point out that her son is academically gifted, but because of his stubbornness and choosing not to do the assignments or pay attention in class, he is getting C's in a couple of classes. I am concerned too, in that he is obviously very bright, but I don't see how he can complete his education if he continues this path of not doing what is expected of him at school.

I just thought this would be interesting to be updated on this issue.

Kris

This last post seems to point a typical Apsie problem: not being able to do what is expected in school, despite a real obvious intelligence. I have read so many say they were told they were lazy, or refusing to apply themselves, but the truth is that it runs much deeper than that with Aspies, as there are road blocks within themselves that we just cannot see or relate to.

I am not a fan of drumming into consequences for something like reading the book in class. First of all, it is the teacher's issue, what is happening in the classroom, because the parent is not there. Secondly, there could be factors leading to it that are not apparent. I always start addressing these things by engaging my son in a dialogue about what is going on around him in these situations, and how he is feeling, etc (my son, though, is very self-insightful, and willing to express himself to me).

I wonder if the reason the child is unhappy with his family is that he doesn't feel they understand him at all? And is confused as to why?

Hopefully the professionals will be able to sort things out and get the child onto the appropriate track.

I definitely think you're right -- I'm sure this child feels like his family doesn't understand him. And I can't blame the parents, because without really knowing about Asperger's, they don't know that his behavior fits the spectrum, and is therefore NORMAL for that spectrum. The mother is so much into how bright he is, and that he should "do his best" and apply himself, but he's not that interested in grades.

Kris

Have you ever considered mentioning to the mother, "maybe he really is doing the best he can. It takes more than IQ to complete the work load and succeed in school. For some children, "applying themselves" is more difficult than for others, and it isn't always easy to see from the outside how it is with any one child."? Or would that be out-of-bounds? I guess it depends on the relationship the two of you have, and what sorts of discussions you feel comfortable engaging in.

One of the most serious problems for my Apsie child is the disconnect between what people believe he should be able to do, and what he actually can do. It is so very frustrating for him. Fortunately, with it all addressed in his IEP, we rarely have issues anymore but, still, because he is so obviously smart, the expectations placed him are sometimes far beyond what he is physically and emotionally capable of.

This is very true, DW_a_mom. I don't really have any idea how much he can accomplish. Maybe the demands are too much for him. I don't really know.

I think with the Mom, it's the typical situation that most parents have with their children. We "think" we know what they are capable of, and with this guy, it would seem as if the sky is the limit, academically. He gives the air of someone who is just incredibly bright. He likes being perceived that way. But, also, I think he appears to be the type of kid that also thinks he is "above" having to do the "regular" work, because he has been given the impression he is more advanced than the other kids. Also, his IEP is for giftedness, NOT for anything else -- so the teacher's have been told to provide more challenging work for him. Whether they are or not remains to be seen.

I have kind of mentioned that maybe he's doing the best he can to the mother, in a subtle way, but I'm not sure how much she actually hears. She's very much into seeing that this child do well academically. Who can blame her, when he seems to be so advanced? She is possibly thinking that the more he is challenged, the better he will do. She is definitely aware of his executive dysfunction problems -- and is trying to work with that (heck, so am I with my own son!).

Kris

Also, look up Reactive Attachment Disorder. This could also explain the boy's behaviour. It could be a mix of things.