Feeling lack of "connection"

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Thanks for your comments. I, too, have learned to never do/make anything for him unless he specifically asks. I guess when I asked him "Do you want me to make anything for YOU?" I thought he understood what that entailed. I see now I was wrong. I was excited because I thought I'd been given a green light to do something specifically for him, that he would really be excited about. I just want to feel like a "good mom." I don't get that very often.

My son just wants what he wants, too, and is very picky. When I try to discuss things with him, ask him about his preferences, or dislikes, or how he feels about this or that, he gets irritated with me and says things like "Why are you asking me these questions anyway??" I don't know what to say, beyond "Because I love you and I am interested in what you think and how your mind works so I can better understand you." But he just stares at me and gets frustrated. Then we BOTH get frustrated.

He's been taught manners, but still from time to time disappoints his gift-givers. Fortunately we usually only open gifts at home, in private, and then I can write a card and tell Gramma thank you and how much he loved such-and-such toy, whether he did or didn't.

Curious - do you also allow your child to eat whatever they like, as well? I'm just curious as to just how much leeway parents let their children have, with their personal strong preferences (wearing the same clothes every day, only eating brown foods, watching the same program over and over, only eating hot dogs with a certain type of bun, etc).

I don't want to have too-high expectations for him. I just don't want to feel like I shouldn't have ANY, and I should just let him do whatever he likes because he's "on the spectrum." I'm "on the spectrum," too. Probably half the parents here are, to some degree, I'd imagine. Since NT parents often disagree on parenting techniques, I'd imagine that parents of AS or non-NT kids disagree a lot, too.

Keep him on a healthy diet. If the foods he wants to eat repeatedly are good foods then let him go to town. Health is the key there - don't let him eat crap every day because underneath he's a kid and will eat crap every day if you let him.

Actually, he adores cats and has four beanie baby kitties that he's played with rapturously for years (including last night) and sleeps with every night. He loves it when our two cats sleep in his bed, and acts sad when they choose not to sleep in his bed on a given night. He reminds us constantly to leave his bedroom door open when we go to bed, so the cats can come into his room.

He actually IS the sort of little boy to jump up and twirl around over a stuffed cat. He's done it over stuffed mice and bunnies, as well.

I agree that there was a fundamental misunderstanding between us, and I appreciate everyone helping me understand that.

But squealing in delight like a little girl is actually something my son WOULD do, and does quite often.

Wow. Story of my life. I'm self-diagnosed AS/HFA and I hate that lack of connection, the difficulty with showing love or even showing that I'm interested in people (even though I want to!). It's so painful because I know that I'm making other people feel exactly the way you described, yet despite that knowledge, there's something neurological holding me back from reaching out and connecting with people - sort of a glass wall that I can't figure out how to get around. (That's the worst part - being fully aware of the dynamics of what's going on, knowing how I'm projecting myself and how I'm making people close to me feel, but not being able to fix it and act in a normal way.) So know (speaking for myself at least, and I'm sure many other autistics feel the same way), that it hurts us to not be able to connect just as much as it hurts you to not receive the connection. The feelings are there, they just can't always be communicated.

Last edited by neongrl on 16 Apr 2008, 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There is also the results when you succeed that aren't exactly encouraging aspies to keep trying. It's difficult to reach out and make that gesture - it is not comfortable - but then the response, even when positive, is even less comfortable. What do I do with this returned gesture? It's positive, rationally, but in the exact same manner as outgoing, incoming is awkward. It can be uncomfortable. When reaching out is difficult, and the best possible response is uncomfortable, where is the incentive to do either? It's a difficult thing for an NT to wrap their head around.

I agree. It's also often a difficult thing even for a non-NT parent to wrap their head around. Perhaps I've just had so many years to learn to copy and practice other people's behaviors/reactions, not to mention taking acting classes and so forth...maybe I've forgotten how hard it can be. People still mystify me all the time. I do wish my son was better at communicating his feelings/thoughts with me, to help me understand HIM. Books only get you so far. Maybe it will get easier for him over time.

You can copy and practice expected behaviours... but can you feel them?

I don't know how to answer that. How do you "feel" a behavior?

And aren't we trying to get our AS kids to copy and practice behaviors to "learn" how to interact with the NT world? Are we expecting them (kids with AS) to learn to "feel" something they previously didn't, or just go through the motions to satisfy NT expectations? From everything I've ever heard/read, it's the latter. I'm told we shouldn't expect AS kids to "feel" things like NTs supposedly do because their brains are simply wired differently and so that's an unrealistic expectation. Does this not apply to adults with AS, as well?

Pardon me if I'm misunderstanding you.

I've noticed with both my children (one AS, one NT) that they don't get much joy from my making things for them.

What they DO like is creating things WITH me, having me help them realize THEIR visions.

But I still can't help it. I love the idea of giving things to my children that have a piece of me in them. And, honestly, when they don't love it ... it feels like piece of me is being rejected. Maybe even worse is how entitled they can act: want a costume? Ask mommy for it, she can make it. It's like I'm a supply machine.

But they live in a world where they can find almost anything they could ever want in a store or on the internet, or by grabbing a few things around the house and making a quick modification. There just isn't room left for that special feeling that existed when my mom made something for me as a child. The talents I bring to the table for them are just several among a world of wealth.

But, it's still fun for me. I've learned to do what is joy for me, and do it for me. When we can embark on a craft project together, where the kids really, fully participate, that is the best. But, still, overall, that amazing experience we know can happen remains rather elusive. I think its just the way it is.

You actually understand me perfectly.

That's the challenge, isn't it? We can copy, we can act, we can mimic, but to what end? It makes those around us feel better. How does it make us feel? Shouldn't there be certain people that we don't have to perform for? Shouldn't those who care enough about us to research AS be willing to meet us halfway and learn how we express these things? It isn't that we don't express them, as the literature may say, it is that we do it in atypical ways in response to atypical events.

BTW, I'm not singling you out or your situation, I'm just using it as a jumping off point. I'm working my way through some of this myself as an adult who only recently learned of AS whose wife looked at the list, looked at him, and said "holy crap, is this real? This is you."

Thank you for helping me to better understand where you're coming from. I do see much more clearly now what you were driving at. And you're right - there should be people around whom we shouldn't have to "perform." I totally get that, but you did help remind me - I'd perhaps momentarily lost sight of that important fact.

It's sometimes very hard for a mother - even one with AS - to always smoothly and graciously accept that her only child may never be able to express his affection or gratitude in a way that she can perceive/understand. I personally grew up feeling unloved and merely "tolerated" - the last thing I would ever want to do is make my own child feel like that. I'm STILL in analysis!

That's not to say at all that it's my son's job to perform for me and make me happy or fulfilled as a mother - far from it. I'm just saying it is what it is - he feels awkward, and I feel awkward. He often feels frustrated and confused and impatient with me, and so do I, with him. Both experiences are valid. I know neither of us wants it to be this way.

It's just a tough situation, sometimes, for all of us.


Are you saying you have AS yourself? I believe both my husband and myself are "on the spectrum," to varying degrees.

Yes, I am. I have an AS son. My wife is NT... poor woman. She is a saint.

One thing that struck me in your original post is when you mention that he says "I love you" 50 times a day. That's a pretty strong expression of love. My son does that too. He just randomly walks up and says "I love you" and gives me a light hug or some other physical contact. Don't minimize that. That is epic! Your son isn't expressive in the typical manner but rather he is finding enough love that he has to tell you all day long. He may not be comfortable with infrequent large expressions so he gives you 50 daily small ones. Try to adjust your thinking so you can receive his communications more fully rather than wishing he'd send more typical messages. Meet him halfway. You're making him happy enough that he is already reaching out in the manner you want. Revel in that!

Really, what is better a better expression of affection than someone saying "I love you"?

Do they actually come ask you to do/make things with them? I would LOVE it if my son would do that, but he never does. If I try to have "craft time" with him, he looks at me like I've lost my mind.



Yes, I've noticed I become suddenly indispensable the moment he wants something (McDonald's, toys, trips to play laser tag or those awful arcade pizza places). Now a lot of this has been alleviated by him having to earn his allowance - he generally now has enough money to buy whatever little junk toy he finds. But he does act incredibly entitled at times, and lately we've been having lots of issues about him not being willing to make himself a sandwich, for instance. If a kid would rather go to bed than fix his own sandwich, then to me that says he wasn't really all that hungry in the first place. When I was a child and was hungry, all I needed was to have the food made available to me (in the fridge or cupboard), and I'd happily grab a can opener and serve myself. In fact I relished being able to do as much as possible for myself, because it gave me more independence and I had to interact less often with my parents, who weren't very pleasant people. So at nine (my son's age) I could make scrambled eggs on the stove and use the microwave (once we finally bought one) and certainly could make my own sandwiches and heat up soup or whatnot on the stove. So I have a hard time understanding why our son seems to want to behave (and even talk) like a toddler half the time, and regard me as his 24/7 cook and maid. He throws a HUGE fit if I don't rub his back every night before bed. And then when I DO knock myself out to do something really special for him, I get "Meh. Whatever."

I'm not saying he's wrong for this. But it's not realistic (imo) to think that it's never going to bother me, ever.



Again, do your kids actually approach you and ask to do a project together? My son NEVER does this. The other night he decided he wanted to do some water color paintings, but he happily did them all on his own, in an empty room. He ran and showed me each one, and did ask me to help him tear off each page and lay it on the table to dry. But he showed no signs of wanting my involvement whatsoever beyond that. He either plays video/computer games, or reads silently or aloud to himself, or plays quietly with his toy animals/fighter guys, or draws in his private notebook. He occasionally asks his dad to play a videogame with him, or maybe play catch or kick the soccer ball around. But that's it.

As usual, you are very kind, and I do appreciate it. You have a real knack for being compassionate and not putting people on the defensive.

I guess in my experience words mean very little. Actions are what counts. Lots of people say lots of things they don't really mean - they just say it because that's what they think they're supposed to say ("what a lovely house!"), or are trying to manipulate ("Wow, nice bike - can I borrow it?"). Children tell my son they are his "friend" - then turn around and treat him cruelly, and he comes home bewildered and angry and in tears. I always tell him it's not what people SAY, it's what they DO, that matters. Our son has other little phrases, many of them utterly nonsensical, that he will also parrot and repeat quite often, including "JEEK TOFU LAME!!" - we've had that one for three years now. It all started because we named one of our cats "Jack." Don't ask me to explain the rest, I can't - he just seems to like how the syllables sound. We don't typically eat tofu, either, so I have no idea where that came from. It doesn't seem to "mean" anything, he just likes how it sounds. It's like echolalia.

However, I am prepared to consider making an exception in this case, and giving him the benefit of the doubt that he does indeed MEAN or FEEL that he loves me and his father. The therapists who have seen him do remark that he's obviously "attached" to us.

So alright, I'll try to revel. It's not something that comes easily to me , but I'll give it a try.

Thanks for all your comments and insight.

I empathize with you, I really do. I remember someone once telling me "You're really a hard person to get to know," in a rather accusatory way. I had no idea what she was talking about - I thought I was pretty easy going and a relatively open book. I didn't FEEL "hard to get to know." Who was trying to get to know me? I wondered. She then told me that a coworker had been very frustrated that she and I hadn't "clicked" and become good friends. I was shocked, because this person was someone I really liked and had also wanted to become "good friends" with - I had no idea she'd felt the same way about me! Sure, she and her husband invited me and my husband up to their house once, and we invited them to a party at our house once, but...what then? What was I supposed to do from there? How can you tell if someone is just being nice, or if they REALLY like you and want to be "friends" (as in more than "acquaintances")? I swear to god, for me, "making friends" is EXACTLY the same as dating, except without the sex. I get the exact same anxieties, uncertainties, mixed messages, paranoia, self-doubt....oh I feel tired just THINKING about it!

Apparently I failed to convey to this person that I was interested in getting to know them better. I'm always surprised when people describe me as "aloof." But obviously they are seeing/perceiving something I'm not consciously projecting. Because I've been told I "look" like I don't want to be approached, or that I "look" angry a lot, when I SWEAR I wasn't angry at all! I was lost in thought, perhaps, or busy at work with some task, but not angry at all. It's just how my face looks, my "default expression," I guess. It got me threatened and bullied a lot in school, because other girls would constantly accuse me of giving them "dirty looks." I swear I wasn't - but apparently I just LOOKED pissed off a lot. But I don't know how else to be - I don't trust/understand people who go around grinning all the time.

It's very frustrating, these failures to communicate.