sadly disappointed with my mom

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i feel badly that my grandmother is ill, but still harbor some resentment towards her due to issues during my childhood.......i'll go to the funeral, but honestly have no desire to see her now.

I know how that is. Just because someone is old and sick doesn't make up for the fact that when they were healthy and younger, they were complete twats.

Then they suddenly expect everyone to swarm to their bedside in their last hours.

I never understood that.

There's a lot I still don't understand about people, although they fascinate me, as a species.

i never understood it either........but most people ( family members) seem to be stuck on making you feel guilty for not rushing to the bedside of a dying person.

Well I mean, if the invalid in question showed you nothing but scorn and disdain toward you your whole life (I'm projecting a bit here - I'm in a similar situation with my step-father), why on earth would they WANT you around at the end? If this person thought I was "worthless, lazy, crazy," and whole list of other vile names I won't repeat here, why in the world would they want me at their bedside?

FWIW, he hasn't asked - but for some crazy reason, my mother thinks I should come. Fat chance!

The social convention of rushing to the bedside, the whole trappings of the funeral, etcetera are just that, social conventions. Ignore away. I didn't rush to a particular bedside because all I could think to say was, "You twisted b***h. Even now I can watch you pull the strings on your little puppets. You think you have everyone fooled but I see you for who you are and if I can, then someone else can too. Have a nice time in hell." I decided since I couldn't say anything nice, I should keep my mouth shut. It was a grownup moment for me.

Funny thing, at the funeral in the receiving line as everyone keeps saying these glowing things there was one woman from church. She said, "[The deceased] had perfect posture." I know she saw the sociopath and wasn't fooled. I love that woman and I don't know her name.

If you want some gallows humor, read "Being Dead is No Excuse". It's about Southern funerals and is mighty funny. Plus it has several good recipes for casseroles.

See, this is why I really feel I'm also doing THEM a favor by not being there. Whenever I AM there, I start questioning my own sanity and become physically ill and have panic attacks and always end up in a shouting, sobbing fight with my mother and perhaps another relative. Why would I want to sign up for that again? Why would SHE?? That's what seems craziest of all, to me. Surely she can't ENJOY my presence and does not find me enjoyable to be around, because I am Grown now and will not be her monkey. So why keep asking me to "come home" and pretend we all get along like the bloody Waltons? It's madness. I won't do it.



That's priceless. Wonderful. I intend to attend my step-father's funeral, if only to see whether everyone finally drops the charade and says out loud, "My god, he really was a BASTARD, wasn't he?" It will be like a sociological event, for me. Fascinating stuff.



I have GOT to find that book. I was raised "Southern," and have attended my share of funerals. And I _adore_ "gallows humor."

Small tip regarding Southern "civility": You can say the most horrible things about a person behind their back, as long as you end your sentence with "bless his heart."

I worked with a nurse that constantly said that, "Well bless your little heart". I knew it was an expletive but it was so funny coming out of her mouth.

Ster,

I'm sorry about your Mum.

I need to start loaning out my Mum (Nannarob) - she's a wonderful Mum and I don't know how I'd get by without her!

Helen

I actually stopped calling her my mom a couple of months ago- too confusing for this post, i suppose.......I actually have an aunt that I'm very close to. She has really been more of a mom, and grandmom to our family than my real mom...........At this point in time, I call my real mom my "birth mother" and my aunt is my mom................

I'm so blessed to have my aunt ( mom). she has even helped me through this mess. reassuring me that my "birth mother" is the one who's messed up. That I'm a great mom.