please help

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The thing is, it isn't a normal part of life, although it may seem so to you.
You have to find the motivation to stop. Find something else - healthy - that gives you a kick.
You know full well that what you are doing is so so wrong for you and your baby. I don't have to tell you that. So for your own sake, and the sake of your kids, get whatever help you need - now.
Best hopes for you

See if you can find a drugs advice centre where you could tell all, ( as D W a mom says ), and get professional medical opinion about the risk to your child if you carry on taking drugs while pregnant, and counselling/support for dealing with the baby if/when it arrives, ( in the context of your drug taking ).

I found being a mother a total overwhelming nightmare, of full time responsibility, vigilance, paying close and constant attention to "something" outside of me which risked dying/suffering if I couldn't keep it together. For the first two and a half years I wanted to run away almost every day.

I came close to serious violence against my baby because I found it all so terrifying and exhausting. I don't know if drugs, alcohol, etc, would have made things worse, but I am fairly sure that if I had still been the "almost"-alcoholic, or frequent/daily dope smoker, that I was for several years in my early-late twenties I would have found it even harder to "bother"/cope with looking after "it".

Oddly enough having a child, however difficult it was for the first few years, has turned out to be the anchor that I needed, to make me stay in place long enough to find out how much I need safety, peace/calm, routine; how hyper-sensitive I am to stimulus, so that I now see how what I used to crave, adventure/stimulation/excitement, was too much for me.

Take care.

pS. Glad to hear that you're not dead or on the operating table for a ruptured appendix or ectopic pregnancy. Good on you for getting to the hospital.
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Thanks for your advice everyone
The truth is no, I don't want the baby anyway. I don't really want to get drug counselling because I have no intention of stopping. The most to counselling I get is from the needle exchange and mostly I give them as little info as possible. The baby just wasn't meant to be.

From my own experience of having one abortion, ( aged 19 ), and inducing a miscarriage with alcohol, extreme physical activity and by hitting myself in the abdomen, ( aged 20), I think abortion is like Self Defence ( the legal position ); it's something you do, and are allowed to do in law, when you feel as if your life is in danger.

I think motherhood is particularly scary for AS, because it presses so many of the AS buttons. I know that when I had my abortion I was 150%, totally, utterly and completely panic-stricken at the prospect of being a mother, and certainly when I finally did it, aged 34/35, it did turn out to be very very hard, so hard that when I went on a cognitive therapy based weekend course called " ( something or other ) Parenting" when my son was two and a half years old, I stood up and said in front of everybody that I felt as if my life had ended.

I got a huge "hit" during the course about how difficult the issue of dependence was for me, which made me realise how much I was "dependent on independence", ( and that the only 100% independence is death ), and something shifted. Rather than fearing, and consequently resenting, anyone dependent on me, ( eg; my son ), or on whom I was dependent, or anyone expressing dependency, ( including myself ), I began to see, and accept, that we are all dependent on someone/thing all the time, it's a fact of life.

Motherhood had seemed "out of the question/unthinkable/life-threatening" when I was 19, and 20, and for the next 10 years, because dependency of any kind was like a monster to me. The irony being that I was addicted to/dependent on dope, alcohol, wheat, dairy, sugar, and to "independence"/adventure/freedom from "ties" in order to live the ( NT ) sort of life I thought I was supposed to live.

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