How do you deal with...

Post Reply New Topic

I only seem to have it together because I've been at it for so many years. Even now, I screw up. It's all a process that you muddle your way through.

KingdomofRats is right though, people can be more understanding towards adults having public meltdowns. When it's a child, people naturally assume it's lack of discipline and if you spanked them, yanked on their arm, put them in a time out, took away their toys, yelled at them etc then they would "behave".

Some people have a really hard time wrapping their brains around the idea of sensory overload and the ramifications of it.

People have no right to judge your parenting skills when they don't even KNOW you. Just say, "Who do you think you are, Supernanny?!" and then they should shut up.

My mum always complains if I "show her up" in public. It's like she expects me to be perfect.

the heck with them. you have enough on your plate to deal with! if you really feel the need to say something, i like the supernanny comment.

it's your child, and it sounds like you're a good parent. take a deep breath, chin up, and move on.......do what's right for you and your child and let other people think what they will. Chances are you'll never see them again anyway.

Parents are made, not born.

Ya do, what ya gotta do for the benefit of your kid, end of story.

Your kid molds you.
You mold your kid.

It's a relationship.

It's a constantly evolving relationship.

Nobody outside of the parents and child can really understand what is right and not right.

Childless persons in particular.

I recall a conversation that my wife and I had many years ago. The gist was that we would not spank our children as it was counterproductive. Our parents spanked. We considered it a mistake.
This was BC, before children.

That was then, this is now. My kids have passed the age, where timeouts were a good tool. Spankings are no longer a good tool. I can do it with words now instead. I am very happy to be here, though the road was long and stressful.

As a general rule, NTs are ignorant of ASPIE issues.
It is not possible to conform to every other adults parenting beliefs.
You can try to to that, but the stress levels will go way up,
and you will lose focus on you child. Your child is important. Other peoples viewpoints at the time are not.

So if someone interrupts you in public while you are busying dealing with a parenting issue. Smile, say thank you for your opinion, and flip them the bird, then get back to work. Your child needs your undivided attention.

My policy is to abandon my half-full cart and remove my child from the store. Sometimes (esp. if you're a single parent), you have to take your child into public. And exhaustion isn't always the trigger. My ADHD and ASD kids have had meltdowns simply BECAUSE they were in public. Overstimulating, too many people, I want, I want, etc.

My ASD son was a headbanger when he was a toddler, which our dr told us to ignore (he will stop before he seriously hurts himself, yadda yadda) but that's hard when people are gasping in shock and scolding you for your parenting. He would bang his head on the concrete if he had to wait in line at the waterpark, for example. But we often couldn't figure out the cause of his distress. Once he threw such a fit, screaming and banging his head on a shopping cart, that the store (unaware that I was trying to leave) opened a register for me, unpacked my cart and bagged my items for me. (I should have been grateful, but I've never returned to that store. )

Once, my ADHD toddler daughter was unwilling to be strapped into her booster seat and was screaming (hitting, kicking, fighting) for all she was worth while I struggled to strap her in (in the pouring rain, no less). A woman approached me and criticized my parenting. She was with DCFS and had the balls to say so. After spending 15 minutes trying to coax my girl into her seat, she threw her hands up and stomped away in a huff. I restrained myself from giving her a piece of my mind.

Our local TAP (The Autism Program) gives laminated business cards for parents to hand out to public gawkers or those offering unsolicited advice. It has TAP contact info on one side and on the other a statement something like "You are witnessing a meltdown. I am doing my best to handle the situation. Please don't interfere unless asked to do so. Thank you for your understanding." I have yet to use them, but I do wish I had them when my kids were younger.

Haha, that's clever! I like that!

Our 20 year old still has meltdowns in public, and kingdom of rats is right, ppl aren't as judgemental with her being 20 as when our children were younger. My wife deals with her more than I do, she is able to stay more calm in these situations than I am generally. They aren't as often as when she was younger, but the intensity is almost the same. And like most of the parents we had rude comments directed at us when the kids were younger, it didn't help that we were really young when we had our kids, ppl would always comment on 'how could we possibly be good parents when you are this young'. ALthough we were young, we both looked younger than our ages. Anyway like most parents we just tried to ignore the comments, but they really hurt my wifes feelings. I like the card idea, that is a really good idea, wish we had thought of it when our kids were younger.

Thank you all for your recent posts and for sharing your experiences

I can relate to the meltdown in the car park whilst strapping your child in....We recently had this happen in a car park and Neither my hubby or myself together could restrain DS to get him in his car seat!! DH ended up walking him until he calmed down... but the stares and sniggers we got were unreal...

Some sort of offer of assistance from those people would have been more helpful!! I really want to get those cards... Might make them up myself, I think they are a fab idea

I'm lucky though that DS doesnt do the "car seat" episodes quite as often as he used to ... It's extremely difficult in so many ways... There's just no way of getting him out of the meltdown once he's in it and not much warning that he's going to have one either!

I have found your posts to be extremely helpful, kind and supportive.

Some great ideas there which I will take on. Thanks again

This is going to sound really bad and I will probably get shouted out but I try to get into shopping situations as least as possible because its like self torture, for a start he hates going out and when we go out to the shops the behaviour, tantrums and screaching get really bad. I try not to put me or him in that situation, I shop online mostly for food etc. I do take him on family days obviously but we only go to wide open spaces where they are not too loud and enclosed.

I really don't pay attention to people around me at the time of my sons meltdowns. I have 2 ASD boys, 8 & 3. It could be something as simple as a light that sets them off. (fluorescents are a big problem, apparently they make a different noise that NTs do not usually hear) I try to expose them slowly to new situations, but meltdowns are still a daily thing. I can sympathize with the car seat issue. I have had that numerous times. Some days just getting my youngest into a shopping cart is fun.

My youngest for a while did the flopping on the floor like a fish. I would just ignore him (and make sure that he would not get hurt of course). Some people would stare or make rude comments. Most of the time I just ignore them. A few times I would say he has autism and is having a "meltdown" once he can get his body back under control he will stop. Other times I would tell them to stop staring. It always depends on the situation.

When both boys are feeding off each other and are both having meltdowns we leave the area ASAP, no matter what. I have left many places with two boys in tow.

I have heard about the cards and seen t-shirts that say the same thing. I actually don't think people would read them, they are too quick to judge a person. So I just IGNORE them. My mom is always worried about other people. I guess I just don't care anymore. My boys are more IMPORTANT to my than to take the time away from them to explain a meltdown. I have no problem explaining after the meltdown. But at the time they need me more than other people do.

I wish you all the luck!! ! I don't think anyone has the answer, we all just do our BEST for our children.