Need Help Parenting a 13-yr old Step Son with asp.

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As a matter of etiquette, if she sent a message to you privately, it was most likely meant to be private. It is considered rude to post it back on the public forum.

You are right, people like Evil Step Mom and I have no experience how to deal with young aspies suddenly thrust into our lives, so we seek out advice from other parents and those of you who have lived with Aspergers. Please try not to be offended when we post our frustrations, as if we WERE doing things right, we wouldn't be posting our questions here.

As for my experience, I am dating a woman who has an Aspergers son (Billy, 9 years old). They spend the weekends at my apartment, and during the week they live with her parents. I fully intend to marry Billy's mom, help give them a good, secure life, and prepare Billy to be able to make it on his own when he grows up so he doesn't become a burden.

The advice I have received here has been absolutely invaluable! And the online arguments I've had with Aspies who read into my posts what wasn't there has also been extremely helpful in enabling me to deal with Billy's different way of thinking by giving me good insights.

We are here because we want to help make the lives of our Aspie step-children better, and to help make our lives better to, because we are people with needs as well. Attacking us when we post will make a lot of people leave, and will thus deprive the Aspie they are trying to help of your keen insights into living with this condition.

So, what I'm asking is that you please be nicer and share your insights without attacking.
Thanks.

With regards to ADHD medication. These have been investigated by leading neurologists/doctors, show on well known investigative programs like panorama. There is no evidence whatsoever of any long term benefit of using any on label or off label ADHD medication on the market. That is something that is required to justify their use in pervasive conditions, especially in children and young adults. I believe the UK regulator has changed its guidelines recently, and FDA may follow suit if they haven’t already. It should be a choice to take these drugs only for adult and not as a long term solution.

I have been on every single ADHD medication in the past so I would know.

If it does works the most you got is around 10 years, though expect more like 5 if you are lucky. It will wear of and then the kid will be dropped in the s**t with no self help skills. It always wears off too.

ADHD medicine is speed, other amphetamine like drugs such as dexdrine (like the band dexys midnight runners as the drug use in the ‘northern soul’ scene and others), methylphenolate, and methamphetamine (crystal meth/ice). The only other alternative, the evidence is very thin that it actually has an effect at all. It was shown to be useless for treating depression so it was remarketed for ADHD.

It is absolutely right to be concern about giving these drugs to kids and teenagers, many neurologists say they have the potential to do long term damage, and as there is no real justification on using these drugs based on behaviour they shouldn’t be used ethically.

As a step mother you have to respect the decisions his biological mother makes. That is just part of being a step mother.

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 20 Feb 2009, 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Indeed i do see your point, however mine is your going about it from a behaviourist view point, such as how u train a dog or a naughty child, if it does wrong you beat it, and this works well with dogs and and adhd kids.

young billy will learn in his own way how to handle life and the world, but it will be his way. I'm 25, aspergers diagnosed aged 10. i have a degree, i drive, i have friends i manage money
but every single little thing still bugs me, LED lights in my house have blu tac on, there are no ticking clocks. dimmed spot lights are fitted.

this is my meathod to deal, you see billy comes over to yours, he's out of a safe zone, and any little thing down to the material your couch is made from could upset him., and that's not behaviour you dont choose to be upset if ur in a room with a itchy couch, non semectrical wall paper. led lights on the tv , fluesant lights,.

it's not behaviour to be modified, the acting out is because we lack the tools to explain why these things bug us. so u act out.

look at the enironment, and look at your behaviour, the amount of eye contact you give, if some1 makes more eye contact with me than is needed i get twitchy if some1 stares at me there loosing there eyes, just how i am, but i now have the social tools to give enough contact and try to avoid too much from other ppl, i had speech and lang therapy for 10 years to gain these skill

also everyone who has mentiond routie is so so 100% on the mark, but let them work out the routine with you... it might be shower new cloths and then breakfast works for u.,
but food first might work for them, and set times on each activity, also with younger children, take them to buy cloths dont just buy them, if the material sets there skin off which is a common traiit or fighting a loosing battle to make them dress

I don't agree with every decision Jimbeaux has made but he does listen and he is learning and he does "get it" and the amount of effort he has put into understanding a child he only lives with part time has been admirable. And he has a top point about not driving away parents like him. It's tough, because this forum is one of the few places that AS can be as they are, but parenting involves a lot of NT's and parents come with other sensitivities that are best dealt with by using a lot more tact. We need to be here, to be the best for our kids, and we need CONSTRUCTIVE input.

Nicknickattack, your last post was full of constructive and useful information. THANK YOU.

We can all learn from each other.

EvilStepMom, sorry that your private message ended up here. As Jimbeaux said, consider it a learning experience on talking with your stepson. He thinks like nicknickattack, and will take offense at the same sorts of things. It is useful to understand.

Nobody here is a perfect parent and those that post things here that they obviously know will show themselves in a less than favorable light are very brave indeed.

Congratulations should be in order for having the courage to ask for assistance and advice - and to admit your failings.

It never ceases to amaze me that there are some people who will jump on these heroes and criticize without offering constructive advice. After all, we're all in the same boat and it makes sense that we should stick together.

There aren't any psychos here (well, not that I can tell) and I don't think that I'm wrong in thinking that every parent wants to help their child to grow and to become the best that they can. Some things require a harsh/strict response while most require leniency and understanding. Every child is different and its only and open mind and positive, constructive feedback that enables us to become better parents.

I'm new to this site and communication this way so please bear with me.

18 year old son: OCD diagnosed at age 14, ADHD diagnosed at age 18 and I suspect he has Aspergers
14 year old son: Non-verbal learning disorder diagnosed at age 8, ADHD diagnosed at age 13, he and I also suspect he has Aspergers
12 year old daugher: boarder line ADHD, she is doing well
48 year old husband: ADHD diagnosed last year, Asperger diagnosed recently (life with my husband has been torture)
I am 48 years old and have ADHD (I embrase my ADHD as I am very active and never give up)

I have been living in the North Yorkshire, England for the past 13 years. Unfortunately the area I live in has very little support for LD kids and adults. The only support I was eventually able to get was The Learning Assessment and Neurocentre in West Sussex, England, 6 hours from where I live. As a result of the lack of support my sons have suffered a great deal more than they should have. I am leaving the UK by next summer and returning to Colorado, US.

I should have returned to America many years ago but due to my stupid trust of the system and many attemps at making a better life for us I stayed.

I'm so glad to read about other moms going through the same things as I. My 14 year old son has a very high IQ and was diagnosed with non-verbal learning disorder at age 8, then after 5 years pf many ups and downs, anger, frustration, bad grades, low self esteem, uninformed counselors and doctors, etc he was finally put on prozac (at which time he was given the diagnosis of ADHD). The prozac made a huge difference which helped him to have less anger and frustration. He then began taking Concerta which helped him focus. Unfortunately, shortly after starting the Concerta, he was suspended from school for several days which caused his anxiety level to sky rocket. He subsequently was unable to continue to attend school because of the anxiety. I have been homeschooling him since September, 08. For the most part school goes well but he can't always cope with anxiety and often times we have to put off the work.

The trauma of the school suspension has made him very causious of adults and not very trusting of peers. He has a girlfriend, whom he has been with for almost two years. He sees her after school an average of about 3 times per week; this is because he can't always manage to get out of the house due to anxiety. He does not have her come to the house as this is too difficult for him. She is leaving for America this summer and I'm concerned how this is going to affect my son.

I've made several attemps at getting him to go to counseling but he is so scared because of bad experiences with "helpful adults" that I've only been able to get him as far as the parking lot of the counselors.

I'm greatful for any advice I can get.

My 18 year old son was diagnosed with OCD at 14, he also has a very high IQ. He has been to hell because of the lack of support and understanding of the medical proffessionals where I live. I suspect he has AS, although at a different level than my younger son. He does not have anger or frustration issues, his difficulties are socializing (he does not socialize, in the last 4 years he has had one friend over and that lasted only a couple of months) and anxiety. The anxiety has caused him to get sick a lot, he suffers from ear infections and sebhorriac excema in the scal p and face. Is this condition common to AS? I don't know how to help him.

My husband was recently diagnozed with ADHD and Asperger. It has been a constant battle with my husband as his AS has pretty much distroyed our marriage and his relationship with our boys.

I also have a 12 year old daughter. She does show some signs of AS but at a very low level. I think she'll be ok.

PLEASE HELP.........

I'm also the stepmom to a male teen (15) with AS, so I understand where the OP is coming from on a lot of levels. The one level that did bother me was that she said she "I am a licensed and certified speech-language pathologist and am a director of special education with a lot of experience working with children with disabilities including autism. But, I am at a loss." While I know things are very different when they're in you're own home, you act as though the other people you've worked with didn't have any of these issues. I do not see how that's possible.


While I do not know much about medications for these issues, I do understand having to deal with a biological mother (my stepson's) who has done nothing but further his issues, rather than help him. She always told him he was perfect in everything he does, so now he has a huge ego and is correct about everything, even if it's some theory he came up with 30 seconds before and has not researched at all. He'll claim he saw it somewhere online, even though it's obviously not true. His ego has caused serious issues in school and his job (through a school program) stocking shelves in the local grocery store.

My boy also has horrible social skills. While he's not loud, I can barely be in the same room with him when he eats. He does not understand why manners matter, so every meal is the exact same struggle.

He also doesn't have many friends, though he does have a couple. They're all very similar to him in a lot of ways. They can sit and talk for hours upon hours, but none of them will call each other or get together in any way outside of school unless almost physically forced to do so. He also goes to dances - when he notices that there's going to be one. A big problem is him not noticing when a dance is scheduled. While I have no idea what happens at these dances, he always comes home very happy. I know people tease him behind his back - as does he - but he doesn't let it bother him too much. But I would love to be a fly on the wall at these dances!

Video games are a huge issue with him also. The only time he will go outide and do something at all is if forced. He'd rather spend all of his waking hours in front of the gaming machines. He does not understand when he's not allowed to play due to not doing his chores or his grades are suffering. This also comes from his mother who lets him do what he wants and will fight us and tell us how horrible we're being for not letting him play, but in the same breath tell us how terrible we are for letting him get such bad grades. She has a lot of her own mental issues.

The respect thing is hard for us too as his stems from his ego and his mother who lets him do whatever he wants. He's rarely with her, but is horrible to deal with when he has been (but all three of the children are atrocious after being with her as they feel they can do whatever they want because she fills their heads with delusions that we're only here to wait on them hand and foot, that they do not have to listen to us and that they can do and say whatever they want, including bad attitudes).

Due to his mother and her parents none of the kids will eat very many foods. My boy with AS is actually better than the other two, but that doesn't mean he eats much. Luckily he loves certain fruits and vegis. So we through those in with the few foods - pizza, mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, fries, pb&j, grilled cheese, etc - and he does pretty well.

Hygiene is a HUGE issue for us! Even if he's showered for that day, but the time he comes home he smells like a dead elephant who's been in the hot sun for a week. We do not know what that issue is, but we're working on it. But every morning his father gets him in the shower first thing. He might not use soap everytime he's in there, but he does wash his hair - easy to tell with him - and at least that soap slides down his body. We've also - most of the time - got him putting on deodorant. He knows that before he goes out - to Boy Scouts or to his (issue causing) grandparents - that he has to put on more deodorant and brush his teeth. Also, before school and bed he has the routine to brush his teeth and make sure he has his bands on his braces. So while hygiene has gotten better in the year that I have been living here, he still doesn't think anything of going out with food or toothpaste dripped down his front or wearing the same clothes for a couple days. I can't even go down that end of the hallway as between him and his 12 year old brother the funk is horrid! But that's also them being teens.

He does have troubles with certain clothes. Until I moved in her refused - downright refused - to wear jeans. Something about them he hated. Now he really wants to wear them, but we won't buy him more until he wears out his other pants and he's been pretty cool about this.


We deal with these things everyday and I really didn't know what I was getting into until I moved in, but I do my best to not be bitter about it. You have to realize that he's a part of your new husband, just as he has to realize that about your kids. Even if your children do not have any issues, I'm sure they still push your husband's buttons the way his son does your's. Maybe not to the extent or as often, but it does happen. You either have to buck up and deal with it, or you're not going ot have a marriage. I'm not saying it's easy - sure isn't easy - but it's something you have to do. The stress is something that sometimes feels insurmountable, but it is. Breath and provide a united front - for all the children.

I thought this part about the ego was very interesting because I have concerns about the same thing and find it perplexing. My stepson is 14 and has AS. (his biological mother was told by a doctor at one point that she is bipolar and my husband is certain that her father (my stepson's grandfather) has Asperger's.) We have primary custody of my stepson. The thing that I have trouble understanding with him is that most of the time his personality is over-shadowed by his ego and arrogance. I do think this gets reinforced everytime he visits his mother because his mother has the same ego. (an odd twist to it all is that my stepson's mother left my husband and the kids because she couldn't deal with my AS stepson's behavior...but my stepson is SO much like his mother and her father that it is just too bizarre that she wanted to escape from someone almost exactly like herself?)
Just the other day my husband and I were talking and my husband said that my stepson would get people to want to help him so much more if he wasn't so arrogant and I totally agreed. He has no friends. I just think it's part of his inability to be able to read people and to act in a manner that makes people want to accept him socially. He often responds to things in such a rude and arrogant manner...like "god, everyone knows that" "you're so stupid", etc. and then there are the non-verbal defiant snorts, etc. everytime he thinks someone says something stupid. When, in reality, most of the time it's him not understanding the situation or being so stuck on one point of view that he can't think of anything else.

It gets really hard with him and then I heard him talking bad about me to his mother on the phone the other night and was just in disbelief. I asked him about it then and he told me his mother has been calling me an "Evil Step Mother" and my stepson said it just got stuck in his head because she calls me that all the time. I said I was sorry and hugged him.

I have taken on much more than I ever imagined with him on a daily, hourly basis and have truly been trying to do the right things for him even though at times I have been extremely frustrated. For the most part, I think I have been doing a great job with some mistakes but I am always trying. I don't even know what my point was with this all now but I think I needed to vent!


I remind myself that all I can do is try.

My son is also "extremely self-confident" and, yes, it can be off-putting, but he has learned to tone it down. When I listen to parents and read posts it seems like some AS end up arrogant, and others end up with zero self-esteem at all. As it seems to be with everything, there doesn't seem to be much middle ground. Given a choice, I prefer the arrogance.

BUT, I will also say that it is at least in part defensive. When you realize that, it gets easier to work on. I've been pretty gentle with my son about it all, and have appealed to his pragmatic side, and that approach seems to work.