17 and won't leave his room.

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yes proffesional guidance is really worth it.

Take away the anime and the biological factor and I'd actually be your son... high five!

as a fellow computer user, if my mom hadn't twisted my arm (metaphorically) I would do nothing but be online and stuff my face. Thankfully, she made me get a job. I now work and pay for my share of the internet. My advice is simple, cut the cord and explain that if he wants to be online, he has to get a job and help pay for it.

Hmm, sounds like what my parents did. Though, I'd be out helping with several non-profits all day.

Sometimes it's difficult to do, but not impossible. I've known a handful of people with AS who have gone on to University and have held employment. The couple that I know who haven't done either of those things have parents who either baby them, or are out to collect "rent" from their kid's welfare cheque. If the parents of the ones who went to University just gave up on them and let them do whatever they wanted at any given moment, they probably would be in the same position as the OP.

I dropped out around 16. School didn't interest me because the social parts of it where overwhelming. I found myself sitting alone away from the cafeteria because of sheer stress (every day). Keep in mind turning off the internet would probably cause a mental breakdown. Also keep in mind between 16-19 I slept, and watched tv/anime. 19-20 I atleast worked. And around 21 I got up on my own 2 feet and around 23 I left home for my own sake.

Not saying I have any answers, just saying that if anything he may atleast have a house/new car (like myself) .. by 24.

I say this with a grain of salt because I don't know how severe your son's AS is, but all kids need a good butt kicking.

Cut the power or Internet to his room except for X hours a day. Force him to do something other than sit at the computer all day. If you let him take the path of least resistance, he will never learn to expand his abilities.

AS may create challenges for those of us who have it, but we should never use it as an excuse to do nothing in life.

Are there really so few of us? Not to say that I've reached the employment stage yet, still at uni, (although part-time casual employment when not at uni I've managed).

i cant offer any advice because i have the same problems myself. i seem to either do really well in life, (like livng on my own, paying for my own food) etc. or being stuck online all day looking at fire agate, and staying wherever i can. (usually my moms or sisters)

First, thanks to everyone for all your input. I know some have not been too kind but I put myself out there for your comments good or bad.
Just to give a little more info. I have not been quite so passive as some may think.
1. I have pulled the plug on the computer and disconnected the internet but the result was - all hell broke out and he became extremely violent. I have the holes in walls, door windows to prove it. It is very difficult to weather a storm such as his rages as I am a single parent and there is only myself and his younger sister in the house and he turns his violence on his sister and the animals. He is much much stronger than us.
2. I have sought help from professionals since he was 7yrs old and to honest they have been next to useless. The present clinic that he is with says there is nothing I can do. The best solution would be for him to go to a residential unit that could teach him skills but we are in Ireland and these services do not exist here. I have tried to get him into one in the UK but they wont accept him as we dont live there and to do it privately would cost 47,000 pounds for a year. I have tried them all.
3. Thank you Serenity for you calm and non judgemental replies they are really appreciated. That is not to say that the other replies were bad they were also very useful. Thanks to Nim you give me hope I really hope that it might be the same for my son.
4. My son is intelligent but he never seems to be able to understand the concept of future consequences and subsequently when I say to him that he will only be able to get to Japan if he saves and learns etc etc it means nothing to him and certainly does not motivate him any.
5. I have honestly (least I think so) tried everything with him and nothing seems to work. It is easy as a parent to take the blame when it is thrown that I have been a 'bad parent' and I do feel all the time that I have done it wrong. But I do have 2 other children - one is now 23 and is away from home at university and has done very well and is the most independent self sufficient person you would ever meet and my daughter who is the youngest is in secondary school and is doing very well and is a good girl and never misses a day from school. How could I have done ok with them.
6. Parenting a child with Asperger's is hell and verging on the impossible. They are completely unaffected by parental authority as far as I can see.
7. I will never give up trying to move him on to independence and that is why I am here asking out there for help, to people who understand Asperger's. I am at the stage where I am grasping at straws.
8. Finally if anyone has any more suggestions or advice I would be very appreciative.
Thanks.

Have you tried dietary approaches?

Some very recent insights mean that I am not as single-minded about this anymore as I have been in the past, but for 16 years I used exclusion-diets fairly effectively to deal with depression/alienation/anxiety etc, and although I now think part of the effects may have had something to do with infant experiences around food, ( esp. weaning ), there is plenty of literature, anecdotal evidence, and some scientific support, for certain foods/food intolerances producing mental states such as loss of contact with reality, extreme rage/aggression/violence, mood-disorders, lethargy/fatigue, "brain-fog"/loss of cognitive function etc.

Gluten, ( in wheat; flour, pasta, pizza, bread, cookies, etc and in rye, barley and slightly in oats), is the most commonly cited offender, but also sugar, ( both corn and cane ) aswell as dairy, corn, soya, artifical colourings, flavourings and sweeteners etc, among other things.

It could be worth introducing a diet which excluded all of these for at least two weeks and seeing what effect it had, if any.

When I first went on an exclusion diet it had a huge effect on me. It was as if I went from living in a shopping mall next to road works under an airport over a motorway, to a lake in the mountains with not a road in sight. My head felt peaceful for the first time in at least a decade, and I cried because the relief was so great.

It's probably only worth trying if you are desperate, because it is hard to keep it up, but that feeling on the fourth morning was so amazing, like being reborn, that it kept me at it, ( in bouts, on and off ), for years, until my system had had a chance to recover.

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Julia,
I really feel for you! What a difficult position to be in as a parent.

I have to disagree with the idea of suddenly pulling the plug on his internet and forcing him into a job/back to school. That's just way too drastic. To go from being in your room on your computer 24-7 for a year to suddenly being out in the world, would be really traumatic!

Do you feel you've gotten to the bottom of why he stays in his room all the time? Is it possible that he has anxiety or phobias that are comorbid with the AS that need to be treated?

Is it possible to come up with a gradual plan that he will agree to? Maybe at first he could agree to helping around the house a little, or taking a break from the computer to read anime, then maybe a correspondence course in Japanese, then maybe an hour outside the house volunteering etc. Could you really, really slowly get him involved in other activities? To eventually get him back in school or employed?

And it really sounds like you and he need a different / better counsellor. I know you said that you feel like you've tried everything, but there may be new programs or people more knowledgeable about AS out there now...hopefully.

Good luck to you and him.

BTW is he interested on coming on WP to post? Maybe he could find some positive role models for himself.

He has learned that he can get his way because he is bigger than you, and he knows you cannot / will not force the issue because of that.

Tough one to deal with.

But you have to.

I wonder if this little bit of logic would work?

He knows quite well that nothing in life is free. So the trade you are offering him is to continue to support him with computers, bed and an internet connection if he picks among a list of chores to earn them. In one year you have no obligation to him what-so-ever. He needs to understand that, that the relationship MUST move to one that is reciprocal. Parents support children that are in school because school is their "work." If you are not in school, you must do alternate work. That may be cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening or any other chore that needs doing. If he does not pick a chore, you will not provide him food or a computer or anything. You are asking him to make a reciprocal relationship.

Figure out what he is capable of, then require that he do it. Giving him some choices with respect to that will increase his sense of control and increase the odds of compliance.

Otherwise, you are going to be left with tough love when he hits 18 and he isn't going to be very happy about it. He needs to get out of the assmption that he doesn't have to do even what he is capable of simply because you can't physically control him.

Keep working on finding a group home, and keep pushing, but don't set any rules you are not prepared to enforce, and feel capable of enforcing.

You are not without tools.

If he throws a tantrum, you leave the house with your daughter for safety and let him throw the tantrum.

Or lock the food in the kictchen and make him earn access to it.

Do appeal to his logic first. Change is tough; he's grown accustomed to certain privileges. But it sounds like he is not completely incapable, and he needs to do his share, within what he can do. There is a give and take there, and he needs to understand it and follow it, even if it ends up taking tough love.

My son, btw, really likes cooking. Has your son tried it? He might find a new passion. Really.

Sigh. I so hope I don't end up in your shoes some day. You've gotten backed into a corner, and getting out of it may get ugly. But try negotiating a trade off first. Appeal to his AS logic. I HOPE it works.

I think we need more background info why did he quit school?

Well, if he were MY kid, I would explain how bad it could be later, how I won't always be around, and how local laws mandate that he be in school until he is 18, or has graduated Highschool after his 17th birthday. I would say that, if he wanted to leave earlier, I would let him IF he passed the GED(a test here that indicates highschool graduate abilities, and is accepted as a highschool education). I would NOT allow him to be addicted to games or similar things.

People with AS DO like doing things like staying in their rooms. HECK, I have a 4100sf home and spend most of my time in a 300sf room! Still, you DO have to do something more. I work for a living, have to do laundry, etc....

As I said, hell broke loose when the lady tried the "normal" approach.

One must realize that his bedroom, his 'net, his obsession, is his "autistic routine". It wouldn't matter if he had two parents who are physically bigger than he is; he'll still throw the same tantrums, it's just that he'll be able to be restrained. He still won't do what you tell him to if he doesn't want to do it.

If someone wishes to try an approach that may work, one must involve his interest into it; you use said interest, room and his routine as a "reward". You could perhaps ask him to do something for you in the house or outside, at a set specific time, no more than 30 minutes at first, as that's all the average person with AS can handle. After he has done such, he can then go to his room and do his thing for the rest of the day. Start very small. If he doesn't go outside of his room at all, you could get him to go for a walk even to begin with, at the same time each day.

Try not the throw anything unexpected at him, and make sure he knows it all in advance (at least a couple of days notice).

"We" don't respond to normal parenting, and if you try it, it'll just be thrown back at you.