Aspartners: Questions

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I want to pipe in here.
I have little sympathy for NT people who use an AS person's diagnosis as a catch-all finger pointing reason why a relationship doesn’t work out. It takes two people to make a relationship work or not work, period. It is a matter of motivation, plain and simple. And if both partners are unwilling to do whatever they can to make something work then it won’t work no matter how many mountains you try to move. Sometimes work is too freaking hard for people. Too bad.

I got sick and tired of my spouse pointing the finger at me every time I reacted strongly to something that was, I felt, inappropriate (like his guilt parenting, mismanagement of finances, condescending attitude, lack of appropriate boundaries, etc.) and saying that I had “issues”. Or when he would derisively say, “Oh but I know you didn’t get that it wasn’t meant literally.” As if that excused him saying something inappropriate to begin with. It became way too convenient for something I struggled with to be a great deflection away from his own shortcomings. Fed up, I finally fibbed and told him that my doctor no longer thinks I have Asperger’s. He looked at me bewildered and said, “Oh that means you are accountable like the rest of us now?” I was like, WTF?! I told him that I had ALWAYS been accountable for my actions, and I don’t know where he got the idea that I wasn’t.

So, the street runs both ways.

So true. That brings me back to where we were some time ago. Some aspies are a********, just like anyone else. Some NTs are a*******, too. Some people are bullies target others who appear to be weak or easy targets for abuse.

I was rolling it around in my head, about why that AS parent thread here bothers me, and about how the people on ASPartners bother me. On the parent board, we routinely talk about our kids, and it is not all sunshine and rainbows. There are complaints and criticism etc. but you know why I do not see an inconsistency in my feeling differently about that? On here, with few exceptions like those threads and the occasional unusual poster, the basis for the posts here is love: Love for our children. Even when we complain about things. We post to find constructive solutions or to vent, but there is not the hate or downright malevolence I see in those other places. We mainly want what is best for our kids regardless of our own neurological statuses. Admittedly I do not post or read often on the rest of the site, so i can't speak to if that gets a little more raw than it does here. But that is what happens here.

I don't care if those people on ASPartners want their own little place for their thing, as distasteful as it is. What bothers me is that they get so enraged about even the most well-meaning violations of their space, but they have no problem lurking on here looking for fodder to make fun of aspies. The original thread on ASPartners that started it all, was exactly that. I know we have different policies on this site, so it is not against the rules for them to do that, but it is offensive. Then they attract aspies there b/c they stupidly use the name of this site and can't seem to manage it with even the most basic courtesy. Even while trying to drive one off, they continued to mock and handle it in the rudest, mean-spirited way.

That ASParent thread bothers me for similar reasons. It started in a benign way, and then turned into aspie bashing. It is not that I think it should be verbotten to complain about aspie parents, but the way it evolved was such that no constructive solutions were sought and it amounted to pure bashing: Little affection, if any, and just endless supplies of hate.

I just wanted to add that I do love my husband (although when I'm mad at him it is incredibly difficult, if not nearly impossible, for me to remember that) and we are trying to work things out. I have a penchant to have a really long, vivid memory and difficult for me to let past hurts go. This is my shortcoming that I know I need to work on, to be more forgiving. It is not easy, but if I don't want to find myself on Divorce Row, then he and I both have to let the past be done. And we have agreed to that for now and not let it affect our present. It is an incredibly hard thing to do, but I do think this process is much easier for him. But we are in this together, and either one of our failings become both our failings. We have to keep each other in check. There is too much at stake for us to fail. Hopefully, this struggle will make us stronger in the end. It is a lot of really really hard work.

What is guilt parenting?

http://csmchat.weebly.com/guilt-parenting.html

Ah, thanks.

Meaning, my husband feels guilty for my stepdaughter's circumstances, so instead of parenting her like a normal kid and imposing consequences for unacceptable behavior, he makes excuses for it and rewards the negative behavior (by giving her what she wants or taking her side) because he feels sorry for her.

Oops I didn't say why later on in my post. And now I'm late for something - will edit.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/aspartne ... sg=13087.1

OMG, check this out. I hope the OP there is okay. This is screwed up on so many levels.

If any of them are reading this I hope the OP accepts my condolences.