*§*AS-Parent Support Group*§*

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Ouinon and Samantca - virtual hugs to you two. I have been in similar situations, but not with the best outcomes, which is why I'm not really commenting: I don't feel I have much insight or anything really to offer, except maybe to say that if the world is fair, the outcome will be what is in the child's best interests.

About procreating. Great topic. I asked myself that many years ago in a "What the f**k was I thinking" moment. I got pregnant on purpose because I was 24, happily married (at the time) and we both had jobs, and it was what seemed to me at the time "the thing to do". I lived so many years, and still do to some extent, with the notion that life was supposed to happen in a certain way. One fell in love, got married, had kids, bought a house with white picket fence, etc.

I didn't think about what life would be like with a child. I didn't think of the future at all. Didn't think about how I or my (ex) husband would do as parents. I was an idiot.

Then, after having the first, I accidentally got pregnant again when the first was 8 months old, simply because I had gotten out of the habit of using birth control. I hadn't used birth control for over a year and a half, was breastfeeding and had only had one period after C was born, and just plain forgot. What's weird is that immediately after intercourse that night, I started thinking about timing - when was my last period, where was I in the cycle, and I *knew* immediately that I'd gotten knocked up again. And I was right.

I subsequently had my tubes tied.

I'm here too

me too. (only a quick visit tonight)

Quick visit to dump gossip that I guess I'd dump on friends if I had any immediately accessable. Ah well, I have a psychotherapist appointment tomorrow. I'm treating it as someone who I'm paying to 'shut up and listen'. Sometimes it helps.

Anyway, 2 shocks from my 'perfect NT who's had to put up with the horror of living with an Aspie' recently separated ex-wife in the past week.

1) Phone call from my ageing parents. Want to know what this 'brain disease' is that they've heard I have. I've never told them about AS. As I'm mid-40's can't see much point, would only worry them. In fact, exactly 3 people know of my AS. Maybe I have a problem with disclosure, but that's what I'm comfortable with and I expect those who I trust to respect this. They said my ex- mentioned that I'd had mental problems, including a 'rare brain condition' which had frighted my parents to death. They are the proverbial simple folk. After my insides hitting the ground, I asked "was Aspergers mentioned at all", they said "yes, yes thats it!!".

I called my NTX who denies she said this, she just said the bit about "mental health issues". Now I really don't believe for 1 second my parents could have discovered and made the link to Aspergers by themselves. Is it me who sees things in Black & White or is my NTX just a manipulative distorter of truth?

2) Got a call today from her saying that she was going 'out to the seaside all day' and could I have the children for another day and night. I agreed as they wanted to stay and to me time with them has become more precious. Later, she dropped some things round and I asked who she'd been to the seaside with, this had struck me as odd because she'd got other plans. She blushed, grinned awkwardly and said it was a man. To be exact, it was a man that she's been talking about for several months - during most of which we were living together as married. The context is that she was often 'nipping out' and coming back several hours late as she'd just 'bumped into' this same man and lost track of time or some other lame excuse. When I got upset and accused her of something 'going on' with this man, she got enraged and said it was my paranoia, probably due to AS, how dare I accuse her etc etc. Less than a month after I move out, she's asking me to look after the children so she can have a day with this same man that 6 weeks ago she swore blind she absolutely had no interest in and that I should go back onto medication if I believed otherwise.

Now it would appear my instinct was, as usual, spot on. Is it me who sees things in Black & White or is my NTX just a manipulative distorter of truth?

What annoys me is the sheer deceit and heartlessness of someone who will readily exploit anothers self-doubt. At times it was like those old films where everybody is trying to make someone go mad by distorting the truth.

Are all NT's such natural born liers or was I just unlucky to be with someone with lower standards of honesty than the average? The main reason why I left her was because I couldn't trust her. I can't believe anything she says to me and for years she persuaded me that my lack of trust was the problem. I don't believe this now, it's perfectly reasonable to not trust those who cannot be honest with you.

Phew. Well, it's not all that bad as obviously I'm happy to be away from this person. I'd be even more happy if I never saw her again, but I have to maintain some civility as I have children to consider.

Group check topic

I thought I would check in here. I read about Ouinon's new special interest. I remember having that interest, briefly, in my teens. But I was not interested in groups of witches, so the interest went nowhere, and it is one interest I am not going to revive. But good luck with it. I will just stick with Kafka, Sartre, genocides and keys. Familiar subjects.

Safe holidays for everyone. I will periodically drop in and say hello.

Lying is one of the things that I find the most difficult to deal with. I have in the past lied myself. It was one of those things that my parents, both with AS elements/family backgrounds/tendencies, found most difficult to deal with in me when i would lie out of fear. Later on I sometimes lied about small things in an embroidering sort of way. still do a little occasionally.

But I can not handle words which do not correctly represent reality as I view it. And feel very deeply menaced by it, because words are my markers/buoys/flags for navigating life.

It sounds as if your ex-wife, ManErg, may have lied out of fear and avoidance, as most people do; the most appalling/upsetting thing about it that she defended/bolstered her lie by attacking you, accusing you of a poor hold on reality. That is the real stinger.

I know that I also have had/have a tendency to avoid responsibility in a crisis or ongoing mess. What is so strange is that she must have known she was lying, unless as MsTriste says her denial was so deep that she could not see that she was interested in the guy.

I have done that too. Many times, I now think. It is extraordinary how I have been able to deceive myself. Looking back I realise that it was often the only way that I was able to do something, almost always when I have been using a relationship with a person to achieve something which I was not up to dealing with consciously.

Grim to have your own already probably anxious hold on reality so attacked.

Sounds good that you have left.

I think that it may not just be a case of certain needy/dependent etc people being attracted to AS but also that people with AS find it possible/easier to build a relationship with such people because the glue for the relationship is the neediness, ( of whatever kind ), and it forms a bond which usual AS social skills may be unable to achieve.

I noticed several years ago now that I had trouble treating anyone as my equal, because it was so complicated/subtle, ( I loved having friends who needed me for advice or who I felt as if I were protecting, and I was equally prone to admiring and looking up to people, usually men, unfortunately for my autonomy in all hetero relationships as a consequence), or perhaps it's a case of being aware of what is actually completely normal in all relationships, and not enjoying it.

My co-parenting partner is an unusual case in that I do not admire etc him, and am frequently, constantly, feeling "superior" to him. Need to remind myself of our first meeting in order to appreciate him; I felt incredibly safe with him. A physical thing, a feeling of total relaxation.

How are you doing, LotusBlossom?

Have you heard the results of the hearing to establish parent rights yet, Samantca?

.

Im going away on saturday for a biology course and Im really stressed about it. I will be in lectures 9am to 9pm and will be marked on team skills too.

this break on my own (the first in 7 years) will either make things better or finnish me off for good.

Im really feaking about it and just cant stop thinking about suicide. I wont do it though, so dont worry- got my teeth gritted ready to get through it, but Im just so freaking.


why is life so painful and hard, I just wish it could be a little easier, even for a day would be nice.

^Yeah my life sucks too. Too much to even post about, really.
I have found the last few months, that I need a small dose of antidepressants to keep suicidal thoughts at bay. I take the lowest dosage of one of the newer meds, Cymbalta, every other day. That way I don't get side effects. When I don't take it, I have suicidal thoughts (even though I won't act on them it's still utterly devastating to feel so low to have them), and when I do, I still have very low periods but don't think about killing myself. It's made a big difference in how I am responding to the world, actually. When I feel like crap, I can sometimes choose to start thinking about something else instead of being caught in an endless spiral of downward thoughts. Or sometimes I can choose to think about things like what the worst case scenario would be, and if it happened, how would I feel about it.

One of the things that's hard for me to deal with is knowing I have to have major (shoulder replacement) surgery at least every 10 years for the rest of my life, and what the results of all those surgeries will be. Will I even have an arm left when I'm 70? I have problems with opiates - what if one day I can't tolerate them at all? Will my life be consumed by constant pain? So I'm learning new ways of thinking to cope with problems.

The hardest parts of being a parent, for me, are:

+lack of privacy
+constant need to be verbal
+noise made by them
+obtrusive and abrupt questions that are repeated endlessly
+more than one child talking to me at once
+and to a degree, physical contact-- I can be physically affectionate up to a point but if I force myself after going into overload, I end up a zombie
+socializing with other children, those children's parents, and school types
+taking them back and forth to school (having to be around the crowds and noise, and bright lights)
+a crushing sense of responsibility-- how can I care for these little lives if I can't take care of my own life?

I won't say lack of sleep, because I never slept well, even before having children. I wake myself up a hundred times more than they wake me up.

Even though my kids are older, I still have many of the problems Apatura lists (welcome - mwah!). I just had yet another verbal sparring with my oldest and I came here to vent. I told her she can't live with me rent-free AND be a b***h to me. It started because I told her she was wearing too much makeup. She said "I didn't ask for your opinion". I was just trying to save her from embarrassment, trying to be helpful, but once again it backfired. I keep telling myself to stop trying to help others because for some reason, people really resent it. It's something that's coming up frequently in my life right now with other people, and one more thing I'm trying to learn in terms of relating to people. I'm feeling like I'll never get it. I have next to no communication with my partner these days, either.

I'm starting to ramble but I'm going to keep with it. I saw my new therapist for the second time. She had me tell her my goals of therapy. I told her I wanted to have control over my negative thinking (which is why I wanted to see a cognitive behavioral therapist), and another goal was to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. She decided that goal was the one she wanted to focus on, and that the way to achieve that was some kind of activity. "How about yoga or tai chi?" It is important to her that I get out of the house and do something. I was annoyed, because that's what I get from my partner all the time - "Come on, let's go...", when all I want to do after working all week is cocoon. She did come up with something that I can physically do - horseback riding - but I'm not sure I can afford it.

Then she brought up some kind of activity - I can't remember which one - that would involve being in a group. I looked at her in horror and told her that there was no way I would ever want to do anything that involves being in a group, unless I was being paid to do it. She seemed surprised, and mentioned something about my needing to be able to form "meaningful relationships", and I again looked horrified. I realized in an instant that not only do I not really have any meaningful relationships, but that I don't feel like I'll ever be capable of having one.


Back to Apatura's list - I still have these problems too:

+lack of privacy
+constant need to be verbal
+noise made by them
+obtrusive and abrupt questions that are repeated endlessly
+more than one child talking to me at once
+and to a degree, physical contact-- I can be physically affectionate up to a point but if I force myself after going into overload, I end up a zombie
+socializing with other children
+taking them back and forth to school (having to be around the crowds and noise, and bright lights)
+a crushing sense of responsibility-- how can I care for these little lives if I can't take care of my own life?

This week M is taking the GED and has to travel from Waikiki, where she lives, to our area, a distance of 12 miles. There is a bus, but she expects us to go pick her up and drive her home each night (four nights from 6-9 pm), rather than taking the bus or just staying with us during the four days. So I'm still doing the "taking them back and forth to school" also.

I feel better now that I've ranted (and C has left for the evening).

It's sad that this thread is disintegrating, though. It's the only reason I come on to WP these days.