Parents on the spectrum

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I'm seriously not even going to answer that except to say: when you're a single breadwinner parent, or when you're caregiver to a disabled spouse or frail parent at the same time you're raising children, or raising children while chronically ill yourself, you can come back to me and talk about what is and isn't possible to do, what there is and isn't time for. I'm glad you've had the freedom in your life to maintain such consistency. Now you need to recognize that not everyone else has what you've got, and stop calling other parents lazy and so on.

Did I make you angry? I also have ASD and my fiance is a postal worker and I am left to take care of my ASD son and my daughter who is 7months and has cerebral palsy is deaf in her left ear, has partcial blindness in right eye and can barely eat solid food because her tongue controls what stays in and what goes out. I was misdiagnosed for years and put on mood stabalizers and was in a constant state of depression and suicidal mode. The only thing that kept me from falling apart was my consistancy and the ability to give my son the best he deserved to have. I spent countless days on the couch with no energy to even hug him but I pushed myself because he needed better. I was sick to my stomach because of the medications and they caused terrible hallusinations. Now I am glad to be off all those meds and I am able to give him even more than I did before. But my illness and my lonelyness never prevented me from doing better it just made me more exhausted and depressed at times. I say its an excuse because life does not create us, we create life and to me its not logical to say something can not be done if you dont allow yourself to truly see if it can or can not be. I dont mean to actually call you lazy as much as I am saying its an excuse to hold yourself back. I am lucky enough to have a childcare background that is true but to say I have not struggled with anything is invalid as I have struggled more than I would like to remember. My fiance is never home. He works 6 days a week gone by 6am and home by 730 by then I have done everything and kids are up and then asleep by myself and pretty much am raising the children on my own aside from Sundays when I get little help even then because he is exhausted from the constant demand of his job. I did not mean to insult you, I just have so much knowledge about children and the possiblities are endless if you make consistant routines for everyone. I see life in patterns and everything is a puzzle to me. I feel like I can fix the world if people would just acknowledge my meaning instead of the intensity of my words. I know I dont see things like other people and I say too much to honestly, but I do not believe our life is set for us, I believe only we have the power to make things better if we just stop thinking of reasons why it CANT be done. Again I apologize if I upset you.

Before kids, I used to wonder how hard it is to follow through. Now after having my son, I do see how hard it is. Kids test their limits and you get exhausted, especially if you work or have other things going on and you just want to take a break so you will get lazy. Then it takes willpower to keep on doing it. My trick is picking something to do and stick with it and remember to say that to my son if he does it again and do that thing I said I will do. My son does pretty good and also both parents have to agree with the rules like if I take away my son's underwear for wetting himself because he never went potty in the first place because he doesn't get treats for it anymore since he knows how to go,my husband sticks with that rule too and only way he can get his underwear back is if he poops or pees in the potty. When he does go potty, he gets to keep his underwear and just as long as he keeps on using it, he keeps his underwear and that works. he loves his underpants and doesn't like to go without them so I took the advice I have read online by parents and took away his underwear for peeing in them or messing. I think this only works when the child knows how to go potty and knows how to control their bodily functions. being consistent also means two parents sticking to the same rules for their children like if one parent says no, the other parent has to say no too. A kid will ask for some ice cream and the mother says no so he goes to his father and asks for ice cream and being consistent would mean the dad says no too. If one parent is inconsistent, then it makes it hard for the other parent because the child knows there are two different rules and they will just go to their other parent for it if one says no knowing they will get their way. I knew one teacher who would always punish her son if he did this in their home, if one parent says no, he is not allowed to go to his father and ask for it or else he is in trouble.

So I can understand why parents would be inconsistent and not always follow through. Sometimes parents say things like "if you do this one more time, you will get a spanking" and then the parent changes her mind and figures out a better way of handling it when the kid does it again. It's so hard to think of what you will do on the spot when your kid does something and it;s not like you can predict what they will do in the future. So the kid will see their parent says they will give them one punishment but instead gives them another one instead. So that is why I say think of what consequence you will give them next time for it and say it to them if they do that again so that way you will be consistent.

Yeah I know how exhausting it gets and parents burn out and then they slip up and don't follow through or don't do a punishment or stick with a routine so their kids end up getting away with it. One of the reasons why people say parenting is lot of work.

Hi - I'll break it down.

If you're responsible for supporting the children as well as raising them, then often the children's needs do not come first unless they're emergencies. The ability to keep yourselves housed/fed/etc. comes first. Is that tough on the kids, you bet, but until we have a kinder government or a whole lot more benevolence towards single parents, that's how it'll be.

If you're responsible for the care of a disabled spouse, then again, discipline will not always come first. Your spouse's physical needs will come first, as well as your ability to go on caring for everyone simultaneously. Again, until good respite and nursing are a right, that won't change.

If you have a frail parent, your parent's needs will often come first. Etc.

The problem I don't think you're appreciating here is that caregiving and breadwinning are not respectful of parenting schedules. Things crop up and you must make immediate choices: do I enact that discipline I was talking about, or do I make sure I still have a job? Often you don't get to choose both, because they both have to happen simultaneously, and you can't be in two places doing two things simultaneously. If Nana needs help right now, then no, that time out isn't going to happen, because you need to get in the car -- and by the time you get back, your 4-year-old won't remember what the time-out is about, and any discipline will seem arbitrary. If your boss has decided that you've got to work late, then your 9-year-old may suddenly be un-grounded, because she has to go to a friend's after school and stay till just before bedtime, and you bet they're going to run around and have fun.

I think you also have to keep in mind what the kids are going through. Unswerving consistency can be damaging. We had a terrible time last year with a mean teacher and unresponsive principal, and by the end of the year, my daughter was going to pieces. Did I let a lot slide at home, you bet. She had enough trouble holding herself together through the day without feeling desperate all the time, so yep, I let her snap out at me and leave chores undone way, way more than I would have at any other time, and I was very loath to take away pleasures. Now that she's in a better school, there's a lot more breathing room, and she recognizes discipline as fair (usually).

Anyway. What I'm saying is: if you see or hear of inconsistent discipline, don't leap to the conclusion that the parents just aren't trying hard enough. It's tough times for a lot of people, and they may well be doing everything it's possible for them to do. Locally, actually, that idea seems to be sinking in -- we had a school-areas boundary shift that left kids in one poor neighborhood a mile farther from school, with no bus service provided; the board had just assumed that parents can drive children to school, or can just somehow manage it, regardless of the weather. That's no longer the case, though. A lot of families have only one car, or no transportation at all, and the weather's too harsh here to expect young children to walk all that way year-round. There was enough outcry that the district did organize bus service for them.

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Kids do come first but it's not black and white. There are times when something else comes first like food or bills or finances or medical. I do think some parents take it too far they become a martyr and that does not impress anyone including doctors and they will say do not be a martyr. I knew someone online who gave himself a heart attack because of it and I do not find that impressive. I am sure his kids would rather have a dad than a dead one for trying to make it to one of their things ignoring what the doctors say.

Sometimes a parent has no choice but to harm themselves taking care of their child and I do feel sorry for them then but if they had a choice, I do not.

It is pretty simple, really: no one ever can REALLY know what it is like for someone else. That is why parenting advice is best shared using, "this worked for me, I don't know if it will work for you." No one can ever truly know how to fill the pieces of someone else's life, no matter how clear the picture seems from the outside. It is always good to provide information and suggestions, but always with the understanding that you cannot actually know if any of the ideas will actually prove helpful. Especially on a message board; the picture we get is way too incomplete.

That said, I do know the frustration of feeling like I see an answer and being confronted with someone who refuses to see it as even remotely possible. I have that in real life with my sister. But while I can sell what I think I see, I have to eventually get back to remembering that I do not actually know. It just is not possible.

I'd like to share my experience being a father.

My daughter was born when I was only 20 years old. She's 9 nine now and I'm 30. When she born I was unemployed, and a HS drop out. My life has been a living hell but I struggled to stay positive for my daughter. I have visitation on the weekends, I still have no custody. Everyday I struggle. It's hard because I am still unemployed. I'm always exhausted because working looking a job and always having anxiety about money while trying to take care of my daughter is just draining. Nowadays I'm working hard on starting a business but supporting my daughter while I'm poverty is hell. I feel worthless as a man and as a father because I can't support her. My mom tells me not to worry about my daughter because my daughter's mother and my parents are supporting her but I still feel like s**t because I can't provide for her. Her mother is constantly putting me down because she believes I'm making up excuses. She doesn't believe AS exists.

I try doing my best being a father and I believe I'm a good dad but I also feel like a failure.

I'd like to share my experience being a father.

My daughter was born when I was only 20 years old. She's 9 nine now and I'm 30. When she born I was unemployed, and a HS drop out. My life has been a living hell but I struggled to stay positive for my daughter. I have visitation on the weekends, I still have no custody. Everyday I struggle. It's hard because I am still unemployed. I'm always exhausted because working looking a job and always having anxiety about money while trying to take care of my daughter is just draining. Nowadays I'm working hard on starting a business but supporting my daughter while I'm poverty is hell. I feel worthless as a man and as a father because I can't support her. My mom tells me not to worry about my daughter because my daughter's mother and my parents are supporting her but I still feel like s**t because I can't provide for her. Her mother is constantly putting me down because she believes I'm making up excuses. She doesn't believe AS exists.

I try doing my best being a father and I believe I'm a good dad but I also feel like a failure.

My 2yo daughter was recently diagnosed with "moderate" ASD. She's verbal but way behind in pragmatic language use and social stuff. She can label, but not much more.

I've always been a bit weird - I have a hard time making friends, I prefer to eat lunch alone, and my sense of humor could charitably be called "unique." I always wrote it off as being a Myers-Briggs INTP. However, when my daughter was diagnosed, I started learning about the sensory aspects, and it was like seeing a whole row of lock tumblers fall perfectly into place:

The way I need a heavy quilt on top of me to be able to sleep at night, even when it's blazing hot.
The way I get a little freaky in crowds.
The way small noises drive me crazy when other people don't even seem to notice them.

Now I don't want to be one of "those people" who self-diagnose and use it as an excuse for their behavior. But given my daughter's diagnosis, it seems pretty clear that my genetics probably gave her a push toward the middle of the spectrum.

Here's my question: As a parent or an individual with ASD, do you see any value in a parent obtaining a diagnosis? My thinking is that as my daughter gets older, it would help her to know that I understand (at least to some extent) how her mind works and be an example of someone who, while more of a hermit than a social butterfly, has built a successful marriage and career. Any potential pitfalls?