Raised by Aspergers parent

Post Reply New Topic

From my experience this "lack of theory of mind" seems to work both ways. Most people start from the position that how they would feel in a situation is how the other person would feel in a situation, and if they're wrong, it takes a long time to figure out the other person well enough to guess how they are feeling. That's true of everyone. It's just that NT's have a higher hit rate of feeling the same way.

Other people not understanding why I find things INCREDIBLY upsetting (like having my extremely high privacy needs violated) has been a problem on a daily basis all my life. And getting anyone to grasp that just because they feel a certain way doesn't mean I can is nigh on in possible a lot of the time, even among my very close friends.

The exchange a few posts above ended up having me think a lot about my father over the past night and morning, and there was something we did that I think might help those still struggling with understanding their relationships.

We actually lost my father in pieces, since he had a stroke about 7 years before he passed away. In that moment he lost quite a bit and, in the way life can be cruel, much of what he had relied on his entire life: brain power. We came to understand so much about him in those first few months, things he had never voiced when he was "whole" and in complete control of his facilities. We learned that he was dreadfully afraid of being a burden, and we heard much about how useless he felt he had been as a father. He sank quickly into depression. So ... that Father's Day my sisters and I were trying to figure out what we might be able to do to help him out of it, to let him understand that we loved him, period. We decided to embark on a project, to write a mini book for him. Each of us would write 4 narratives, anything from a sentence to a page in length, about something he had "done right" as a father. I think I've mentioned it on this forum before, and perhaps even in this thread, because ultimately the project was more a gift to ourselves than it was to him. It was an amazing process to go through, to sit down and try to write those four pieces. We each did ours completely independently, not comparing notes, because they were intended to be personal. Some were the same; some were starkly constrasting. It created an amazing book, and changed us as daughters.

So, if you have a chance, try to write your four pieces.

I am going to complicate this up even further. I've been giving this some thought now. Tarentella is from a different culture, miniority, and country. What if there is no such thing as a neurotypical and people who are non-ASD are of different neurological configurations depending on where they originated from in their genetic history. In essence, what if we all just come in different sizes and shapes? I wish Tarentella would come back though. I would love to hear more about her country and her ethnic background. I would love to know how those in her country typically think.

I think it would be fascinating to compare different cultures of the world with their different mindsets to ASDs.

Am I different from other parents Oh Yes. I have my group of issues and yes the smells, sounds and mess are all issues for me and on a "bad" day can set me off. I have a hard time helping my kids with friend issues. I like everything to be logical. It is hard for me and them sometimes when I don't understand how they don't understand.

However, I also parent per child. My son needs things differently than my daughter. I remember being the alien in the family and never wanted my children to feel that way so everything is custom. That means sometimes cooking several different things for dinner. I work extra hard to understand because I always felt misunderstood. I play and make up games with my kids. I am a support that does not flatter unless it is true. I don't say you look great if you don't and I don't tell you your project is the best unless it is. When I do say it my kids know it is the truth and they never have to wonder. Can't is not allowed in our house. This is why my daughter calls it tough love because they know I love them but sometimes it is tough. We through pity parties when something really disappointing happens so they can give into the emotion, face it and learn to move on. I teach my children to "think" thru everything and still give my daughter kudos for being "good" with people. I see how not being this hurts my life. I have learned to fake it or people think I am a snob, or don't like them then don't want their kids to play with mine, etc.

It is hard for everyone to be a parent. Sometimes I think it is even harder for AS parents because we can see that we don't "get it" and in all of our intelligent we can’t fix. I just try to compensate for my areas of failure. It kills me to read how awful it is to have an AS parent and makes me wonder if I am doing enough.

Hi, I am new and trying to understand ....I (actually several of us) have figured out that my dad is an Aspie. So much is explained. But I am having a hard time. I am reading thru these posts slowly because I can only think about it a little at a time. There are some difficult things to begin to work through.

So many of you Aspie parents sound much like my dad (thank you for explaining so many things!)....and I am figuring out that I was an NT.... well trained to think like an Aspie. Is that possible? I understand both worlds but have been trained to think that NT's (I never thought in these terms before) were irrational/emotional/ brainwashable/ herdable etc. I still feel that it is fairly true that the general population can be weak minded and emotionally driven in just about everything. Yet I feel that I am a starving NT....I needed things that he felt were on a lesser plain and so I often felt stupid and guilty. The moments that I know I pleased him most were when he was teaching me math... Also, in our discussions (very mathmatical)about God... There were flickers of true understanding between us. However, I would be a captive audience for hours and hours at a time...

To the guy with the picture of the hyper-cube....ummmm...he is trying to write a description of God (he rejects the term "trinity") using a Hyper-sphere. Also using E. Abbot Abbott. Does this make sense to you?

I feel like I don't belong in any catagory because I feel I am both. I am trying to understand that the emotional side isn't just something that needs to be to shut off. Does anyone else feel this way? Is this common? Is there help? I need help in retraining my brain. Is there a description anywhere of the typical child of an Aspie?

Is there any way to get an Aspie to understand these things....I mean...more than just in theory? Could he ever understand that there is a side to human experience and relationship that he has not encountered and that it is not wrong to be an NT?

Also... He doesn't know that there is a whole Aspie world out there (he is 73)..doesn't even know the term. In reading some of these articles etc... I think....well...perhaps he should know so that he would understand himself and why he feels so different. Perhaps he would feel relieved to talk to others. He is so impatient with the NT population at large. On the other hand he might just think that I have jumped on some psychological band wagon....and he might hate the idea of being catagorized and....he might be very angry. This has never seemed worthwhile...because it has always been disproportionate.

I am an adult now and have young children of my own....and I hope to pass on solid rational thinking without making them feel like they are weak for their feelings and need of others.

Thanks for listening.

So...I think my father has got AS but I'm not sure. I hope you can tell me if he sounds like he could possibly have AS or not.
He takes many things literal, he doesn't understand sarcasm. It seems hard for him to detect if someone is just playing a prank on him (but he likes listening to jokes nonetheless). Especially with this kind of behaviour he appears as if he was naive or "innocent".
He doesn't like his personal space invaded at all, if you move something that belongs to him to another spot he can become very upset. In this regard,...little incidents can make him explode e.g. he forgets where he's put something, incidents related to meals and food......If he's in this state of blind rage he keeps going on and on with blaming someone or asking questions over and over again, he shouts and paces with heavy steps. Say, there's a rage-scale from 1 to 5: He always goes up to 5. (But it doesn't happen often).
He also doesn't say affectionate things like "I love you" or something like that to anybody, never. He doesn't hug. He doesn't know how to give compliments and praise. It's like he can't express his love or feelings for that matter. Though that's not exactly true either; I think he just handles it very differently than most people.
He likes to receive praise though. And he loves to talk about his interests a lot, if you ask him about one of them, he seems to be happy to tell you anything about it (one of his interests revolves around european wartime history) but he'll also recite a monologue to you even when you don't ask.
And he reads all the time, when he's not working, he's reading.
He also talks to himself (especially when he's worried).
When he's sad or worried he won't say he is but you can tell by the way he looks or goes on and on about the same (sad) topic.
Also when he has an appointment with a physiscian, he'll ask me what he should say and I tell him to say how he feels or simply respond to the physician's questions but it seems as if he can't describe the way he feels physically with words well.
He's also very repetitive if that makes sense e.g. he'll randomly recall incidents of the past and ask questions about them like every week at least twice and some words or phrases he'll repeat them everyday at some time of the day.
He also checks if everythings switched off and closed when he leaves the house, he checks it like five times....(though recently he just checks them twice if he's got the opportunity but I think that's because sometimes we'll just close the door and tell him everything we'll be alright). So he really goes out the house,closes the door and 30 seconds later he'll come in again and check everything.
He seems to be extremely introverted, too. Doesn't have any friends....at least not those kind of friends you would hang out with once in a while. He never hangs out with any of his friends or talks with them on the phone. Never.
He's also sensitive to sounds especially to domestic devices like the washing machine....if it's working he's unable to enter this room and someone else has to fetch whatever he needs from this particular room.
What else....?
When I was born he wasn't at the hospital, he was working as usual although he could have assisted my birth. He's a workaholic,too but I guess it's more about routine than anything.
He probably has dyslexia...when he writes he always makes mistakes....If he has to fill out a form, he won't do it willingly since he writes very very slowly so that his handwriting is legible.
He seems very stubborn, too.....reluctant to accept someone else's point of view.

What do you think? Does that sound like AS?
At least, I can say that comparing his behaviour, or parental conduct (for that matter) with others, that doesn't look very "normal".

Thank you DW this helps!

I hope I'm not being too pushy but If I am, I apologize.

So...would anybody want to answer my post? It's really something that I'm interested in to know...if that kind of behavior or traits my father shows could be AS-related or sound like something different altogether.
Thanks.

Sorry, Mayal, just haven't had time. The short version is some yes, some no, and it is actually impossible to tell from a post. I guess the question that would help direct response more; what are you looking for from your analysis? What do you hope to do with your answers?

Mayel,

I am new too...so what I say may mean very little...

I agree with DW that from your list it is very hard to tell. I presume that you have done some research on Aspergers and know what some of typical traits are. Many of the things you have listed are not clearly traits..other things may be. It is difficult. Keep searching. I do understand your desire to know....I am so relieved to finally have figured it out. It just does help in understanding him...and it does take away some anger and bitterness in my heart about the times when he didn't SEEM to know me or care about me. It has made me think that he has made more of an effort than I have realized.