Parents on the spectrum

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Hi. I'm an aspie with what I'm told is an NT child, but considering I was only diagnosed recently, and not before MY realization of it, I'm a bit skeptical. I understand that we female aspies, are more difficult to diagnose since apparently, we slightly differ from males. My problem is this, I'm extremely overstimulated when I have to discipline her assertively. I'm a single mom, and I know I do better when in a two parent situation. Mostly because I rely on support from the other parent on dealing with HER meltdowns, and oh boy does she have them. I can't take the screaming the having to chase her, the back talk or when in public, strangers telling me that I'm a bad mother, because I refuse to spank her(overstimulation) and because I let her choose her own behaviors, as well as letting her deal with her own consequences as a result. My daughter is four. She's super smart, and is believe she takes advantage of my being an aspie, and scream's on purpose just so she gets her way. She going to live with her dad soon, but I wonder if these are normal feelings, or if it's because I'm an aspie. Any tips?

I found taking something away that is really important to them an effective way to stop bad behavior. "You need to be quiet or no TV for the rest of the day" or no friends over for a week or no computer access for today, etc. Also, "no allowance this week if you don't follow the rules."

I don't think I fully understand what you are saying, but I would suggest don't let yourself see her as taking advantage of you being an aspie, don't tell yourself something is wrong with not spanking (plenty of people believe spanking is wrong and harmful) and believe in your strength!! Instead think about where and when she is most prone to behavior you don't want to see. And think about what you can change about those situations. For example if she screams for a donut in the grocery store tell her that you will get it for her to eat in the shopping cart and ask her what else she needs. You're not giving in you're in charge of finding out what she wants and what she needs. And you're in charge. Also go at a really quiet time. If you can go without her that might be better but not necessarily possible. Don't know if that's the kind of thing you mean, but that's what I would do. And try to say sympathetic things if she starts melting down even if you aren't going to give her her way (I understand you want to stay at the playground, and we are leaving. I know you are really mad and sad and want to stay. We can come after lunch because you like it here and want to play more.) is this what you are looking for?

I may be be taking you too literally, but when you say she melts down, that means to me you don't take things away as a consequence because a meltdown isn't really something she can control. So don't ask her to or you'll get more fighting. Just tell her what you are doing as calmly as you can, earplugs in is ok, and so that. Only take things away briefly and more just until she regains control. She is only 4, she hasn't learned self control yet. I'm not saying taking things away is always wrong for all parents and all kids, but I think it's wrong for how you're describing your situation.

I have indeed tried taking things.. I'm particularly fond of putting things in trees, out of reach. Only problem is it only works sometimes. I thank you for your response.

A FOUR YEAR OLD CANT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU BEING AN ASPIE BECAUSE THEY DO NOT comprehend differences. Not like that. Sure, brown hair verses red hair, but not Aspie vs. NT. It seems she might also be on the spectrum or have sensory. Children who tend to meltdown mean they are overstimulated or not being understood. Somewhere along the way before her meltdown, their must be something that is not being communicated. If you think she takes advantage of you because you are an aspie, well, i see there is some obvious miscommunication. I have a degree in special education and I am an Aspie myself. Child care is my special intrest and has been since i was a little girl. I want you to know there is not possible way for her brain to comprehend what it means to be an Aspie. If anything she might be mimicing behaviors she has seen in you. If she runs away and is yelling and screaming then their is obviously an issue with sypmathy or compasion on your end. No spanking is never a positive way, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt discipine.

To discipline is to teach. Children on the spectrum, even adults on the spectrum such as myself, need visuals. Schedules, structure and behaviors that make since. For example. My son has trouble with movie time ending (he only gets one movie a day), he use to scream and kick and spit at us. 1) If that behavior bothers you, pick them up and put them in a safe place so they can release their energy but tell them you will be back to speak when they are calm. Then go in and have a calm conversation, that is easy to understand. With my son, if he throws a tantrum or screams and tries to hurt us, we dont scream back, chase him or get into an altercation. We come up with a solution. A punishment that fits the situation. So 2) We started taking t.v away for two days. BUT its not just taking away in an abstract form. What we do is have a calendar in his room. We write NO T.V in two spots, then YES T.V in the third spot. That way he can see his behavior did the opposite what he wanted. He wanted the t.v so misbehaving and not being grateful for what he did watch, now has given him two days without it. He will feel this punishment when his sister gets movie time and he has to sit out with me and find something to do. Each day we mark it off his calendar and each day we repeat our conversation about how its better to say thank you for the t.v he watched, then it is to go with NO t.v for behaving badly. Then when the day comes that he gets to watch t.v again we have a conversation before the t.v.

The best part about THIS system is this punishment is not meant to hurt him and its not abstract. He can see the days, mark them off, get verbal instruction/lecture, example of what good behavior vs bad behavior gets, AND when he starts up a fit after the t.v is done, he will remember how his sister got to watch it and he didnt. All things he can relate too that will be logical and make sense enough for him to slow down, and think about his behavior. Sometimes with different people watching him he will pull this fit, because its a different person, we still stick to the punishment, two days without because he has to learn he needs to behave for everyone. It is very very rare he ever gets upset enough now that we have to take any days away.

Point is, if what you are doing for her is not working, it doesnt mean she is bad or taking advantage of you, it means she NEEDS more from you. She needs things she can understand and its very possible she is also not NT. Punishments that fit the crime, are more able to stick in our heads. Its hard for us to relate to anything, which is why it takes so much to discipline us. We need logic, examples that make sense.

Hope this helped a little bit. Good luck.

I would like to post about the something i have trouble with since my son was born (he is 3 years now). I believe i am Aspie (self-diagnosed) and I have ongoing fear that my child will be taken from me by the social service which is paralysing me at times. When i believe that i perform well as a parent, this fear fades and comes again when i think i am disciplining him too harshly (i never spank him, but i do give time-outs and take away the toys) or too leniently. I still haven't made my own consistent parenting attitude and plan, all because of this fear. I usually meditate about how i will do certain things as a parent to make everything right and then somebody comes out and explains why i am doing everything wrong. Which usually does not help, because i keep changing perspective on a weekly basis, and yes, i know this is not good for my child. My son is suspected to be somewhere on a spectrum (we are still not sure, because we are awaiting for the tests) and we are visiting experts regularly in order to teach him social interaction (we were instructed to do so from our facility, and it is especially hard for me because i have poor social skills). the personnel from the facility where my kid goes often points out that i am not doing enough for my kid, as well as some people from my extended family constantly say the same, and try to "teach me". I know i am doing as much as i can down to the exhaustion, and i would like to do more. I would be happy to have enough self-confidence to discard what "people say", but deep down i am scared i will do something wrong and that i have to take all possible advice. This is very unmotherly of me, i know. i should have learn it for 3 years, but i didn't manage. One person even physically attacked me because she believed i was doing harm to my child, because i wasn't able to express myself appropriately about something we talked about. From now on i have flashbacks whenever someone starts to "teach me". i am not able to disentangle the useful from unuseful criticism. Right now i am in the panic, but probably tomorrow i will be fine. this will probably go on and on until my kid grows up. I just hope i will be able to cope with it and that it will not impair me or my kid much in everyday functioning. I know that this fear is irrational but is is hard to live with it.

I didn't read anything in your post that sounds like you are a bad parent.
Can you be more specific about what these people think you aren't doing that you should be?

The thing that most shattered me was: "why you never smile? Don't you know that your son needs your warmth from you and your face is so frozen?" The thing was that i was in the middle of parent's meeting and my son was playing in group (in another room). This is a typical situation where i usually DON'T smile. I smile in my house and when i am with people i know. After the meeting was done one of them repeated angrily: "why aren't you smiling now? your son was assigned a trained assistant. You should be smiling!" I was feeling terrible the rest of the day.
I was told from the woman that works with my son directly that i treat him too leniently and that why he misbehaves and that i do not work with him enough on communication and why he scarcely responds to tasks. No matter how much i worked on both of it it he always said it is not getting better. Until we got him (a very good) assistant. Now it turns out that he responds pretty well to tasks and is able to behave. But now or then she said i am permissive and i should discipline him more. People from my family say i am harsh on the routines and that i limit the freedom of his play. They think that i should not be visiting the experts, but take the full responsibility on everything. Once the woman from facility said "you have your ideas what is good for him, but this are wrong ideas." This was because when we got him out of diapers for the first two weeks, i always let him take off everything except the socks, because he insisted and i let it. Now my kid is not insisting on taking everything off anymore and goes to the toilet normally. The head of the facility told me "We need to find out what is going on in your's son head" and ended the conversation. I do not like when people say such things. They can ask me, they can ask him, right? The expert that is training him communication thinks i am doing a good job, so i am somewhat surprised. But what i really WANT is that i am certain in myself and my decisions whatever people say or don't say. Every day.

Those people were rude to speak to you like that. Unfortunately, it's not unusual for parents of autistic children to be blamed in one way or another for their child's difficulties. People will say you are too permissive, or too harsh, or didn't do this or that. People who say those things are wrong and don't really understand autism. They're trying to help but they're only making things worse with their ignorance. A mother's behavior doesn't make her child autistic. You can be absolutely sure of that.



No one feels confident ALL the time. But yes, parents of autistic children have to get used to hearing a lot of garbage, and we must try not to let our self-esteem be affected by it. You will need to read some good books on autism and become an expert on ASD yourself, so that you will know when to listen to others and when to ignore them. We all have to become informed advocates for our children.

Thanks YippySkippy for this advice, i think it is a good way to go. I really need to learn when to listen and when not. I already started to gather periodically information from forums and blogs 2 months ago, and went through the Parent Index on this forum. I also use some insights from my own childhood, which i remember vividly, but i believe that a good book would "back me up" even more, and make me stay firm in my mind when I am under pressure from the community. I still didn't choose the (my first) proper book yet, because i need to be careful with my time: in addition to play and work with my son i have demanding job which i have to do because of the financial issues. But when i choose the first book i will read it carefully. I plan to start at the end of the week, because i will have a window of free time.

Hi everyone!

I've been a lurker for a little while and this is officially my first post.

I'm a mum with Asperger's and possible ADHD-combined type and I have an 8 year old son with Asperger's and ADHD-combined type. My partner is NT (he was recently assessed for ASD but didn't meet the criteria) and my daughter 2.5 years, I suspect has Asperger's also.

We are struggling quite a bit, predominately with parenting. My daughter is a very anxious, loud and extroverted type who has started developing extreme fears/anxieties over new experiences, loud noises and sudden changes. She has always had sensory issues and some have disappeared while others have gotten worse. She will scream the house down like someone is trying to kill her when you wash her hair (we've tried everything here), so it only gets done once a month. If she has even a slight bad experience with something, she will fear it for her life the next time she has to do it. She also pinches our skin as a soothing thing, she's done this since she was a little baby.

My son is very similar to me, however one of the biggest challenges with him is a strong argumentative tendency. He will argue with almost anything you say/tell him. He will ask a question and I'll answer and no matter what I answer with he'll tell me I'm wrong. He's also very restrictive with his food intake and is alarmingly thin (can see back and rib bones predominately), despite bringing this up with his gp and pediatrician, they aren't overly concerned, mind you, it's looking worse since seeing them a few weeks ago.

Our daughter has a tendency to scream. A lot. Either full blood curdling screaming, yelling or just general screaming. Anytime something happens that she doesn't like, she screams. This sets off my son, who will either scream back at her repeatedly or starting hitting her and it completely overwhelms me (I am very sound sensitive), it stuns me, sends me into flurry and I am unable to properly respond to the situation or discipline my children. It's really really difficult and I don't know what to do. Help?

I think the first question is, Is what you are doing with your son successful? Doesn't sound like it if he still screams at you; the "punishment" you've set (a day without computer) does not stop the behavior. (I'm Asperger) and punishment never meant anything to me as a child. The mistake parents make is in thinking that a "spectrum" child is doing thing "on purpose". Our behavior is more often a reaction to something in the environment. Like being overloaded by demands to "not be ourselves" This idea that ASDs can be "trained" to be neurotypical is crazy and cruel. Talk to your child as a REAL person, not as an adult who is trying to manipulate him.

Parents, social workers are going to make your potentially smart kids turn into down syndrome freaks. So please do not directly go for an easy one.

Go instead with ones that have some freaking sense and that are not like:

"AH! YOU SHOULD NOT BE SAYING THAT WORD?"

"What word?"

"Mr. Roberts is not a rapist! He is the nicest man possible!"

"OH MY! Zach has a filthy mouth! He is not supposed to be telling kids to try to go outside and exercise and do things! How dare he! Perhaps OH MY he has been through some rape himself! OH MY! Do not listen to him!"

Instead, teach your children how to communicate yourselves. All that a social worker is going to do is throw a bible and I accept you speech and in the back of the building smoke a cigarette and complain about how ret*d everyone she is dealing with are.

Sounds to me like you're a good mum, you understand your son. That's what's important. This person who told you to smile .. what?! That's supposed to be helpful?? wooah. You poor one.

My only advice would be follow YOUR instincts, trust me, they'll be right. Don't let others judge or railroad you.
best wishes from a fellow mum!!

thanks for this. I'm the mum of an Aspergers boy, i tell my husband I do a 'scientific' approach to parenting and education (we homeschool our two kids after disastrous school experiences). Basically, i try different things, if it works, I do it more. If it doesn't work, I stop.

Here's a list of things I don't do, because they're not just very negative for our relationship, they also obviously Do Not Work:
-punishments .. not even time out, never figured out what it is anyway. Here I include disapproval, 'disappointment', judgements, and blame.
-rewards.. none, that includes 'using' praise.. all unnecessary and insults to the intelligence

So what do I do? I trust my kids want to learn, love, collaborate, support one another and me. And guess what, they nearly always do!! I'm firm sometimes, but if I'm cross I just say loudly how I feel to the world at large, which funnily in particular sets off my son's empathy and the next thing, the kids are helping out. I'm very flexible indeed, provided the kids can put their case forward, even if it's just by saying 'this is really important to me'. I'll do what I can do make it happen, and if it's really not possible, they generally understand and accept it. My reward for this is that they're flexible with me when I need it, and will accept things even that they don't like much, when they see it's really important for me.

Funny that people say to me 'what well-behaved kids. Are you the strict one, or your husband?'. usually i just smile, but i guess i could say 'neither, we just respect them and they respect us in return'.

We've had regular meltdowns in the past, but that's another story and i'd like to put up a different post about it as it may be interesting to other parents.

It sounds like you have got a lot on your plate, sounds very very tough.

Obviously all cases are so different, it's hard to know what would help. Only I'll tell about my recent experience with my Aspergers son as I was at my wit's end..

I took my boy out of school following bullying and things that weren't even being recognised by the school, let alone dealt with.. I worked at the school so I had quite a go