Raised by Aspergers parent

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My father was AS, he was an awesome hippyish stay at home dad with a "children first " attitude about any given situation . We were raised in a bubble where respect and fairness were the most important values one could possess, Respect here not in the traditional societal "obedience "sense at all, it meant "when someone speaks , it is important to truly listen and try to understand where they are coming from , it doesn't matter if they're 50 or 10 years old". I remember watching TV in my pyjamas way into the afternoon which drove my mother crazy , always getting the leg of the chicken because I found the back "dry", being the only child in the classroom who had never received even a slap on the hand, who could play in the mud and never get scolded for dirty clothes , and who knew all simon and garfunkel's songs.
I really miss my dad, he died in 2000.
He might have been a nightmare of a spouse for my mother who was a bit stricter , but my early childhood was heaven .

Have you heard the song called "The sounds of silence?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hUy9ePyo6Q

How are your children doing?

Threads like this always scare me but it's too tempting to not read because I am always hoping there be something positive. I always wonder how my son will view me as a parent when he gets older and when he an adult and my husband already makes me out to be a bad parent and then he tells me I am a good parent and I just need to try harder.

But talking to someone in PM here, she sees nothing wrong with my parenting so maybe it's just my husband's own opinion on how kids should be raised or treated.





Finally something positive.

League Girl, no parent is perfect 100% of the time, and there is considerable disagreement as to what makes a "good" or "bad" parent especially between spouses. Try to remember, it's the big picture that counts.

Second, this thread is mostly written by people who were parented by adults who never had the benefit of a diagnosis, who lived in a time where neurological differences were equated with mental illnesses and both were surrounded by a huge wall of shame, and who had been taught a style of parenting that is a particularly bad fit for kids on the spectrum. I had a similarly bad experience, but I recognize that much of it is due to those circumstances and not exclusively to my parents' neurology. Most of the parents of people posting negatives here probably distanced themselves from autism because they thought it was "bad," and therefore didn't get the resources they needed.

You are a whole different ballgame as a parent: you understand yourself. Keep trying to do the best you can for your baby (daughter, right?) and spend your time trying to figure out what's right for her.

These two things will put you ahead of most parents of any kind of neurology.

I have a son.

That's probably the song everybody has heard at least once , even people who don't even know who paul simon is The children are fine , thank you for asking ! Things are getting less threatening over here.

Before we could say anyone or anything including parents was perfect we would have to get to the essence and have a meaning as to what perfect and perfection was. If the definition of perfection is completion then can anything including parenting styles be complete? If they could how would we know if they were complete? What objective criteria would we use?

Well, that's what I get for going with instinct and not looking up threads for an answer! Enjoy your son.

My dad is undiagnosed AS. He showed his love for me and my brothers by lecturing us on physics and involving us with his projects and letting us participate.

But that was about it. As an adult there is a lot of distance because I don't have A's to brag about any more and no other form of achievement for him to measure me by.

I've experienced over a decade of depression and a lack of self esteem. Because dad would always be so straight forward and serious I have a hard time judging social cues accurately. for me it causes all kinds of miscommunication and embarrassment that have effected relationships and my employment.

I tend to be attracted to self absorbed unfeeling yet intelligent men who prefer to do the talking with not much desire to hear me speak, a sad dynamic I can only attribute to my father's presence in my life.

My experience shows that for NT children of an AS parent 2 things are important; first the child should be made aware of AS. As I grew up thinking my father was normal and came to expect similar behavior in other people i think how very different things might have been if I had sooner known about AS. Secondly there must be a balance from other care takers to ensure healthy emotional development.

Okay I just want to start by saying I'm not sure I'm posting right or in the right place but I'm looking for advice in dealing with my Dad who has unofficially been diagnosed with aspergers. I'm not sure if he'll ever get a diagnoses better than the therapist who told him, he thought my Dad has it because I don't think my Dad wants to pursue it. However, having learning this from my Dad I'm realizing most of my problems with him surround his aspergers. I got through childhood mostly being the responsible one in the family, which worked. I did well when I was around my Dad in school because it was something we could bond over. He loves learning, in fact he's extremely bright, so much so we often have problems over that even. An example: I'll tell him "boy it feels hotter in here than it did over at so-and-so's house. I wonder why?" His response "well, we'd really need to have temperature readings from both locations, plus humidity readings and also in different locations around the room to be able to even say if that is so."

Um... yeah. He's a hard facts king of person and that can be pretty hard on me because I'm certainly a more emotional touchy feeling sort of person. Don't get me wrong I can enjoy facts, I like a science experiment now and then but not every waking moment of my life.

So to keep this from becoming a huge post my problem is now that I'm married, on my own with my husband for nine years, and I now have a three year old daughter. My Dad has always come around for the occasional dinner and activity and we've done fine, but with my daughter in the mix it is getting very hard. He has no sense of what is appropriate with a toddler. My daughter has told him she wants her shoes off in our backyard that has broken glass in it and he's said "sure". When I come out to find him with her and her shoes are off I ask why and he says "because she wanted them off." We go places that I think will interest him and my daughter and he can't even manage to stay on the paths or not play in the water fountains. How am I to teach my daughter she can't be like this if my Dad is? My Dad loves my daughter and comes once a week to play with her. It's also really hard on me that he's dropped me for her (yes this is hard to say but it's true), I think he can relate better to her because he doesn't have to try as hard with her. With me he has to struggle to be "normal" and with my daughter he just acts like another three year old although much smarter. He can't tell her no, he can't behave in public, and I've been reduced to just watching them play at my house and making sure that they both behave.

My Dad lost his job about a year ago because he was having problems dealing with co-workers. Instead of dealing with it in a manner that would have resolved things he went on a bit of a rampage. I know he thought he was doing right but he gets so intense about things. He really felt he was in the right and wouldn't let it go. He realized he was close to losing his job and sought out a therapist, the first one is the one who thought he had aspergers, but despite thinking the therapist might be right, for whatever reason he seemed to think that wouldn't help him with his work problem, so he saw another therapist and lied about things to get a completely different diagnoses, that led to him taking medication (why I don't know), getting sick, missing too much work and his work happily fired him because he was a problem employee almost from the beginning. The sad part is, he was good as his job, but he doesn't understand how to behave in social situations and therefore caused all sorts of friction with his boss and in the work place. He's happy right now. He's on unemployement and living out of a motor home in a rented lot. He's living life lean and doing fine. He's got solar panels he plays with, his computer and other electronic parts and is happy he doesn't have to deal with people except my family once a week.

I just don't know what to do though. I don't really want to have a conversation with my daughter about my Dad having "problems" because she'll talk to him about it and I don't want to get him upset, but I also don't want to be stuck with nothing more than once a week play dates where I'm the only adult and my Dad and my three year old play. Plus he doesn't really understand he can't tell stories about fish swimming from the ocean into freshwater and asphyxiating because of the lack of salt, and then being rescued by a woman with a box of salt only to be eaten by her, and the bones washing back out to sea and being recognized by the fish's family, and the bones feeding crabs at the bottom of the ocean... That's a bit traumatic for a three year old. Not to mention many of the words he used to describe the fishes problem were above ME let alone my daughter.

Any ideas?

Well, in our house - where we all have Aspergers to one degree or other - we talk about "house rules." "In our house, the rule is..." We discuss with my son (who is very literal) how every house is different, and every kid's parents have different rules, but we are HIS parents and this is OUR house (our household, just in case he's being super-literal) and he has to follow our rules. Essentially, we have found that spelling things out very carefully and literally is extremely important.

You can use this system with both your daughter and your father. Make it more general than "other kids," when you explain the "household rules." So when Grandpa, or whatever you call him, breaks the house rule, you just say "remember - that's our house rule. Grandpa isn't part of our household, so he doesn't always remember to follow the house rule." If he's talking about subjects that are inappropriate for a three-year-old, say clearly "That isn't an appropriate subject for a three-year-old. I need you to respect her level of development and not discuss __________________ (for instance, death, in this case)" If he argues, turn the "house rules" argument around: "She is my daughter and it is my responsibility to make judgement about what is and is not appropriate. It is our "house rule." If you can't respect that, we will have to leave."

As for your father choosing your daughter over you - your post shows you've got a large number of growing expectations for your father that he clearly can't meet right now. Maybe you will have a better relationship if you structure things so that they are comfortable for both of you, and your expectations aren't so high: for instance, I would not put him in charge of babysitting a child without close supervision. If you don't want to be the only supervising adult, hire a mother's helper when you visit with your Dad (I am guessing there are neighbors of his, responsible tweens or teens, that you could hire cheaply.)

I've read a third of this thread and will have to come back and read more but I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all. I just felt the need to add a few things.

The things that stand out to me about my Dad that I wish I could help with, is that he's told me he doesn't have feelings, just that he gets anxious sometimes. Also I've seen him get upset about being misunderstood. He really tries. One thing that really got to him a month ago was my cat was sick, and I told him I was going to take her to the vet and he told me that there isn't much a very can do about old, and that was my cats problem. So I didn't... and I didn't and I finally took her in and found she had a mass in her chest. We ended up having to put her down. I called him to let him known because he cared for my cat too, he'd helped care for her for years when I still lived with him. When he realized I didn't take her in sooner because of his comment he felt awful, because he felt that, that wasn't what he'd meant. I'm not sure what he really meant, but I realize he thought I'd take her to the vet anyway and was shocked that I hadn't sooner. My best guess is that he felt his was protecting me from the disappointment he felt I'd get when I took my cat in to the vet and there was nothing wrong but age. He's done that sort of thing before. Trying to get a job, or some other thing and he protects me from the possible bad by telling me it'll go wrong. It's like he thinks I need to brace for the worst, and the best way he can do that is by telling me the worst.

Also I know he's struggling with acting right. I've caught him commenting to himself about not being able to do anything right, after I've gotten upset with him for doing something out of the societal norm.

I know there is no "treatment" and I know it won't be easy, and heck I love my Dad a lot, in his own way he's always been there for me. Yes, it's been hard. I remember how hard it was when my mom was dying, and how he stepped in and helped me care for her even though they were divorced, or how when he came home from work after she'd died and scooped me up in a big hug. It felt so weird because it was so unlike him, but he knew it was the thing to do. It took me by surprise when he told me he was sad about my mom dying. He had a hard time expressing it but I realize he really was. He isn't in touch with his feelings well but he tries. He tries so darn hard and I hate that I hurt him when I get frustrated by how he behaves or what he does but it is also so hard for me. I'm still really young just 30, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take on the role of caretaker to my Dad whenever we go out in public. But we went out for coffee and he tells the lady at Starbucks he wants the coffee thick, like you can stick a spoon up in it. I felt like I had to translate, so I explain that, that would be espresso, then he said he wanted it half to espresso and half with half and half. And I got it wrong in trying to explain it to the lady and then is was my fault. But she just couldn't get my Dad because he was so off the wall from normal and I felt embarrassed and stressed and sorry for the lady at the register, and I just don't know how to do it.

Momsparky, Oh I've given up on him babysitting. He only did it twice before I realize he wasn't capable of it. The day I came home after running to the market and found her naked running around the house crying, was when I realized he couldn't handle her. I really didn't realize until then his problems. She was one I think then... The shoes and glass, well that was because I let them play outside at our house while I was doing dishes in the kitchen. I never thought he couldn't be just outside with her. Oops. We don't go over to his motor home. He lives in a storage lot basically in a motor home and he'd never let us over even if I was willing. He has his own set up, usually with tons of electronics and various other things scattered about and we'd never be able to visit him where he is. He loves it, because he doesn't have to deal with people. He loves how it is quiet and he's alone, but it also means he's getting worse about dealing with people. Since he's been in this living arrangement he's become happier but he seems to be forgetting how to behave when he is with people. With no job, and no home around people he's degenerating, which also makes it really hard.

And perhaps you are right, perhaps I am expecting too much of him. I really didn't think I was. I thought he could go to a children's museum and behave in public. I thought he could go with us out to a cultural center and dancing and not be handing out money to kids because my daughter asked for money. But these are all things that are so new to me. He never went out with me as a kid, so I never really saw this. We always did projects together of his choosing, or he'd give me money and send me off to do my own thing while he waited in the car. I never thought much of it until now. But he avoided these sorts of things when I was a kid. Just a heads up, it was only a year ago he got the semi-diagnoses and only recently I began to realize that it might really mean something more than just an excuse for why he "acts so weird". So I am adjusting and I'm sorry if I sound unkind because of it. I'm not trying to slam him, but I am trying to figure out how to make it work without me getting upset with him, or my daughter learning bad social behaviors. I certainly will try the house rules thing. It might help, although usually my Dad thinks I'm too strict and is always trying to soften my rules for my daughter, but when questioned about it he says he isn't. Like I'll tell her not to play with her food at a restaurant and he'll tell her "You are such a good girl _____." right after I tell her that. Like he feels I told her she wasn't a good girl. I just told her she needed to behave. Or if she wants to eat nothing but french fries and I won't let her, he gets upset and has to leave the table, or will have to have get rid of all his french fries because he feels it is somehow wrong to eat them if she's being restricted which I don't understand since I'm not saying she can't have them just moderation.

I completely understand: many of us are as surprised as anyone to find out that "weird" actually has a clinical name and definition. It takes a lot of adjusting - you might want to read up on it a bit; there's a sticky of recommended reading at the top of this board. Remember that autism comes with gifts as well as challenges; you need to find ways to learn about your father's gifts and make sure they are what your daughter experiences.

In your description here, I think you have two situations here that should be handled differently:

This one is a "house rule" situation. You need to let him know, clearly, that he is not allowed to second-guess you; you are in charge of your daughter, and if he wants to discuss parenting with you, he needs to do it when she isn't there. In both these situations, he is probably remembering his own childhood - which I'm guessing he spent being misunderstood and shamed. Let him know that your daughter is different, and doesn't feel the way he did as a child.

There might be another issue going on here - while this might be a rigid way of approaching things, it might also be a memory of a sensory sensitivity. Many autistic children experience sheer torture with certain foods - french fries and bland, starchy foods can be the only foods that feel "safe." Again, letting him know that she is NT, and that she enjoys all kinds of foods, including french fries; eating is not difficult for her - but she sometimes needs reminding to eat a varied diet. You could also handle things by portioning out her food and leaving it at that.

It may also be worthwhile to be a little flexible with the rules around your Dad. She's three - she has a lot of time to learn table manners and good eating habits; if this is only a weekly visit it won't set you too far back. Just let her know that it's a special exception, and you will expect her to follow the rules the rest of the time. After all, most NT people have to manage NT grandparents who "spoil" their kids...what's different here? (excluding, of course, times when she's not safe)

momsparky, wow what a wealth of information. I had no idea about the starchy foods thing. I will have to do a lot of reading. There really is an overwhelming amount of things I have to learn. It's funny but I realize a lot of the things my Dad did with me as a child are probably a lot to do with his tough upbringing combined with aspergers. I know from talking to him that eating with his mom was hell. He never liked the things she served and all he wanted was a hamburger and french fries. He always had to have the same food over and over again and it drove her nuts. I know he's okay with eating lots of things now but it makes sense when I think about it as him trying to protect my daughter. I know he has a habit of doing that with me. As a kid they never had any rules on what I ate. I could have ice cream and cookies for diner if I wanted. They really had no rules at all for me growing up. Being NT it felt like not being cared for. It felt like they didn't care about me enough to care if I was healthy, or sleeping enough to be awake in school (that was a big one. I didn't have a regular bed time and often was troubled with getting up for school in the morning, my parents mostly just let me be late to school until the school called CPS on them).

Although I am challenged on his gifts. There are things about him I enjoy so much. I love talking science with him or math, or even history, but these are not things that we can do with my three year old daughter. I remember how much I loved doing science experiments with him, but I think my daughter is still to young for even the most simple ones we did. I'm just not sure how to work it yet. I will say he has one big thing on me with my daughter and that is he can play with her horses or barbies and make up stories all day long with her that have no meaning to me at all but they get it. It's almost like they are speaking in a completely different language. I mean it's english but how they can make up these stories that come out of no where amazes me. I get so bored trying to do that with her. And it's because the stories have no plot. They just go on about this horse that wore a yellow scarf and danced in the moon and was named Cindy, and loved roses, and only ate strawberries on Sundays.... and on and on... But that is a little hard for me and I probably just need to suck it up and deal but there is the little girl in me that cries no fair because she wants a "normal" dad, and doesn't want to feel like she can only sit on the outside looking in watching them. I wish I could come up with something that all three of us could do together... or at least I could get him to stay after my daughter is down for a nap and we could talk... I guess that's my other pain here. I feel like I really am losing him because he really is happier with my daughter than me. She doesn't care how he acts, she just thinks he's fun, and never makes her do anything she doesn't want to.

Maybe I need to seek therapy to deal with it. As I write this I realize what I hadn't and that is that I'm really taking it hard. I always knew my dad wasn't "normal" but it was always his "fault", even though our relationship has been mostly good. Now, I'm having to deal with that he's not "normal" and it's NOT his fault, and that there is nothing he or I can do about it. I'm also really not sure how to make things easier in public. Most people are weirded out by him. It's nothing obvious he does, but little things. It's like he smiles too much at the wrong time, or stands just a little too close, or says something with just a little wrong inflections. To me it's just my Dad but I can notice it, and I watch other people react to it even though they don't consciously do so. Heck, my sister in law is actually kind of scared of him but can't say why other than he acts strange and makes her uncomfortable. Maybe I need to follow his example and just let him be happy without interacting with people. He doesn't seem to mind, it's me that minds. I crave social interaction because I had so little growing up and always wanted it. I never got to see how it was supposed to work, and struggle with it because I want it but don't really know how to manage it but he doesn't seem to want it. He just likes his world of facts and his granddaughter whom he just loves unconditionally.

THESE are gifts. They are something your daughter will not get anywhere else in the universe.

Good luck! I think therapy may be a good idea; having grown up with "weird" parents, myself, I've found it to be helpful.