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That must be a huge relief, and huge irritant all at the same time. Good luck with the complaint. Hopefully it'll go as well as the inspection.

We're looking after a three/four month old kitten for two and a half weeks for a friend while she is away on holiday in England over xmas.

Re-experiencing a mass of feelings that I last had when my 9 year old son was a baby/toddler. Totally taken by surprise by their intensity and painfulness.

Both evenings, ( we've only had her for two days ), my co-parent has gone to bed in his attic room pretty early, because he was falling asleep in the big armchair. And left me below with the kitten, who, deprived of the NT co-parent's calm and solid warmth to sleep on in front of the TV has become a mad fury, running around the room ripping xmas decorations to shreds and tipping objects off surfaces, etc etc. Driving me raging mad. To point of hitting/tapping aswell as yelling the supposedly magic word "No!".

Last night, having had my Sunday night C.S.I. watching session severely disturbed I reached the point of hissing and snarling at her after she once again toppled and tore objects from their places. Went to bed thinking that today I would have to take down all my lovingly arranged decorations, and go to bed early every night for the next two weeks, and perhaps leave home.

Got up this morning and burst into tears telling the co-parent about it, and that I was afraid that I would kill the cat if I had to put up with another such evening. He offered immediately to take the cat with him when he goes up to bed. He doesn't seem to mind the idea of the kitten sleeping on his pillow. The trouble is she is only half-house-trained. That is to say she knows about litter-trays but still doesn't know how to sleep on her own, and so is dependent on us/our bodies for her sleep.

And then this evening she climbed up into a hole in the chimney-breast where the co-parent took out a huge horrendous "fake rustic" beam some time ago, and still hasn't replaced/filled in. And after a preliminary look around she jumped sideways and disappeared into the wall.

Great concern. Can she get out again? No! After a minute or two frantic little chirrupings come from inside the wall, from between the plaster and the stone wall. She is lost in the lath and plaster structure, and can't jump back anyway because there is no surface for the return landing.

She carries on wailing etc. Co-parent says that we will have to knock down the wall to get her out. I find short narrow plank, try to make a slope inside wall, but can't get plank in. AS/PDD son suggests a long, thick, fabric, draught excluder we have, cos bendy and she might be able to cling to it. Still no good, because simply can't see anything inside the wall.

I call for a torch. Kitten is still chirruping and calling. I am saying her name over and over again, encouraging her to come as close as she can. I am afraid that she has hurt herself. Shine torch, but can't see round corner. Call for a mirror, finally see her perched on a lath at some height to the side, with nowhere to jump to. Extend my arm the most I can into the insect infested cobwebby space and after repeated gropings and callings, and failed attempts, manage to get her to cling to my hand.

I bring her out, and cuddle her, and start crying again.

This looking after pets for people is pretty harrowing work.

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Keeping the thread going.....

Oiunon, kittens are infuriating! We got one a year ago, a few months before I moved out. The whole family was covered in scratches for weeks as he'd hide and leap out at us with his claws seemingly going for the eyes. One year on and he's a calm, adorable, beautiful grown up cat.

I hope everyone here had a good holiday, new year etc. I genuinely hope it was better than mine. As it was my first christmas/new year separated from my family, I kind of knew it's *supposed* to be difficult. But the real impact of just *how* difficult, the depth of negative emotions, really took me by surprise.

Not helped by hardly seeing my children at all. My ex managed to have the xmas she's been deprived of for years due to living with a social leper. Parties every day, friends round. All of it involving the children and mostly with her new man and his kids, too. In contrast, the 1 ('one') night out I had planned with a couple of friends was cancelled as 2 of us were ill. The rest of the time, I was alone, trapped in an ever increasing spiral of despair thinking about what a good time my family were having without me there. I've vowed never to take anti-depressants again as they zombiefy me, but I am considering sleeping tablets as I'm having terrible trouble sleeping too - keep waking up in a burning rage at what I believe to be the inconsiderate actions of my ex. And a happy New Year all round

Apologies for the negativity - this is very much about AS parenting though. On the bright side, for once I'm really glad to be back at work! I realise it gives me something to kick my mind out of that horrible downward spiral.

I've also realised that I really do need to increase my social activity. Much as I can't handle parties every week, going to the other extreme is equally painful. Trouble is I have only 2 or 3 very occasional social contacts, and I don't know how to increase that. This, to me, is one of the curses of Aspiedom. The usual advice "join a class, go salsa dancing, join a charity etc" just doesn't work for me. I've done the classes thing recently, for example, and even though I tried and thought I'd succeeding at chat and smalltalk, I'm still the one that nobody made friends with. Still the one who is left alone at the end when the others are 'grouping up' to go on for a drink or something.

Shouldn't complain really....at least 2009 isn't going to be emotionally dead, plenty of things to worry about. Anybody else got any 'this must change' aspects for the new year?

Hello thread! Happy new year n all that

ManErg

no need to apologies for the negativity in your post. my holidays were pretty subdued too but it was tainted with the realization that it could be my last 'proper' xmas i will have with my kids in the family home

thats gutting you were ill the day you were due to have a meet up with friends - have you rescheduled something yet?

i agree all that advice about meeting other people seems so easy to those giving it, i have, maybe, incorrectly observed that a lot of parents seem to be able to connect with other parents early on when their children start interacting with other children these friendships seem to develop due to the connections with the children

connecting with those other parents has evolved and through out the schooling years i see the same groups of parents interacting during school events and no doubt outside of school occasions as well, cementing these friendships more so.

im sure its been said on this thread before about connecting with other parents but if anything i've found it no easier to make friendships with other parents despite having children that socialize with the other parents children

sorry, my ramblings are going no where but i wanted to post some sort of encouraging, uplifting, positive post... so that was it

Absolutely! All of 'our' friends were in truth my wifes friends. Funny how I would occasionally say (in that AS way) "I'm sure so-and-so doesn't like me", my wife would say I was imagining it. But since separating it's almost funny to see them scurry away when I take the kids to school. Some are polite enough, but then I've seen other parents notice me, then lock their heads in the opposite direction to walk past me, pretending they haven't seen me. At my childrens school, there are 3 or 4 main cliques of parents that appear to be organised along similar lines to the mafia.

Amidst this, there are a few outsiders, invariably separated dads who take their children in, pick them up and attend events alone. As I've mentioned before, primary school in the UK appears a completely female dominated environment. Only a matter of time before fathers aren't even allowed past the school gates, probably for 'security reasons'.

Since separation, I have been rather excluded from school events. It's a difficult one with many conflicting aspects. I really want to know what my children are doing at school, I have a right to know. But attending can feel so awkward, I'm partly glad I can avoid these events. Of course my ex- knows me well enough to know this, so probably feels we're both happier if I'm excluded.

It looks like for me, the main chance of meeting like-minded people nearby is the local branch of the "Barometer Collectors of The UK club "

Indeed. I often wondered if i was alone in finding school events awkward experiences. It feels almost a crime paramount to murder to admit that I'd gladly ignore these events because the social aspects of them are normally a clumsy + painful affair.

Without revealing to people why exactly these social occasions are awkward they tend to take the attitude that your a lousy parent with no interest in your children's schooling when in fact its the social interaction thing that we dread.

does your ex make a point of inviting you to such events and you decline or does she just not mention them to you?

That's a bit of a sore point as it seems to depend on whatever is most convenient to her. Generally, I'm told nothing. E.g. as we all know, children do Xmas plays and parents are invited to attend. Only nothing was mentioned to me about it, I guess because of the awkwardness of having us both in the same room with other parents. I imagine she just went without me. It would have been nice to feel included by actually discussing this, though.

That seems the normal routine. However, if she's busy doing something else, then I'll get the call that because she's otherwise engaged, then I have to attend something. Partly my fault for not making it clear that the children need to see me and I need to see them for our own benefit, not just when it's convenient for her. Being too passive and trying to avoid conflict, I've given up so much ground I need to launch an invasion on a par with D-Day to get it back now.

This is actually quite a common problem. When separated, most children spend events such as christmas and especially birthdays with their mothers.

You have my full sympathies ManErg ((hugs))

just the thought of parent meetings makes me gain the strength to continue with home school. I hate that sort of thing and all the standing at the school gates. Parents seem to me to be so very cliquey.

my kids always pick people who have snotty parents to make friends with

Hi,

I've recently been dxd with AS after a couple of years trying, after my son was dxd with AS.
After the session, they said they were going to 'help me' and maybe I could have some CBT, they could speak to social services, and help my mum ( who I'm staying with ) with benefits.

I know some people may find it difficult to bring up their children, but HOW DARE THEY assume that I'm incapable of looking after myself and my son! In fact I think I've enhanced his environment and understood him far better than any NT parent could ever understand him.

Even though I'm a single mum, I've always worked or studied until recently, but I have always had alot of time every day for my son and enjoy being with him very much. I take him out to play badminton, we go swimming, to the cinema, horseriding, walk the dog, to buy manga, I teach him maths, we learn pi together, we go on the computer together to watch anime, we both collect the same things, we go to museums together, and we love restaurants ( as long as we are together) and have similar interests. No... admittedly, we don't do small talk, but does anyone really need that??! !! When we do talk, we talk alot and get excited about what we are talking about becuase it's not meaningless. I'm honest with him and I ask him questions about school because I know that unless I ask them he will not just come out with it. I give him a list of everything that needs doing when he washes, gets ready etc, because I know from experience it's difficult to know exactly what to do unless you are told step by step.

That's the difference between NT parents and myself...I don't just ASSUME things, I know how difficult everyday things can be, and maybe thats something they can't understand.

And as for him maybe not getting cuddles and support and stuff, I breastfed him as a child, he slept in my bed every night untill he was 2 or 3, and up untill a few years ago, every saturday night he still used to sleep in my bed after we stayed up watching a dvd and cuddled( obviously he is now too big at nearly 12).

He is currently at a normal school, he has a few friends, and isn't bullied, I make sure he is fashionably dressed to try to prevent other taunts that may happen because I had them as a child. He's one if the brightest boys in his year, and, he is embarassed of me, which is fine, infact it makes me happy as he is nearly a teen and most teens are, and I am a bit odd!

When I told him I was AS....He gave me the first proper cuddle he's given me for a year, and said he was really happy. He understands my weirdness, as I do his...infact I positively embrace mine...But I also know from experience that it is very difficult at secondary school, and you want to be seen as 'normal' when you want to fit in so badly ( I wonder... do NT parents consider this). He will always have me to explain what to do in bad situations, as I have been there myself.

Yes I'm a rubbish cook...I do tend to over cook, or under/overspice things, I lose my mobile phone on a regular basis, I love watching anime, I get excited about pi, ...but does that mean that I need help from social services or that I need CBT? Infact I can't think of anything worse than having to talk face to face with some NT stranger who doesn't understand AS, or is only there because they are paid to do so.

Anyhoo....thats the end of my rant. Does anyone feel the same way?

welcome to the thread misswoofalot

briefly since im somwhat exhausted to reply in any depth right now...

i think id find the idea of their 'help' somewhat worrying but i find i have similar problem accepting outsiders 'help' especially when its people in positions of 'authority' and such so it might be that fear taints things, <sigh> i dunno maybe others have had good experiences with UK social services etc.

besides, it sounds like your doing fine as you are though, congrats!

Thankyou drybones!!

I told them myself that I don't need any help, and both myself ( and my son ) are very happy. They said this was fine. I just felt insulted that they assumed that just because I have an ASD and I don't have many friends, I don't go out socialising that much, and I'm not working atm...means in anyway that I am unhappy. NT's ideas of happiness must be very very different from mine.

Infact I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I'm much less stressed! And it's wonderful finally being dxd after years of not knowing why I was so bloody different!

guess what. Social services is hassleing me again.

They phoned this afternoon to tell me they are going to carry out a parenting assessment as they are worried that I cant meet my childrens psychological/medical needs.

I saw SS just before christmas and they said I was meeting their needs but I had to go (on the waiting list) to the CAMHS in the next town. I agreed to this thinking they would leave me alone. It now seems like they have changed their minds and are going for me again.

I have not recovered from the last ordeal from them, I dont know where I will find the strength to go thorough more.

has any one else had a parenting assessment?

I really give up on life, why wont it get better, why do I keep drawing all this crap into my life

I am sorry that I didn't reply to this before, but have to admit I found it too depressing and awful.

Just thinking about the grief that the authorities/establishment put "different" people through is just so discouraging and anxiety-inducing, especially as we will be having another "control" this May/June because of my son homeschooling and we only just started again , after an almost three month long winter break, to do the litle bit of "school work" ( an hour a day ), which is necessary to keep up to school levels, and I was beginning to worry about it again.

We had a "social control" in November, which turned out to be friendly and sympathetic, but I went through days of deep and frantic anxiety beforehand.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I hope that you will be able to convince them that you are a "loving" and sufficiently "sound" mother so that they leave you alone in future. Horrible to have to prove that sort of thing when supposedly perfectly "normal" families are free from such scrutiny.
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I thought this film was quite relevant to our experience!


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fitxofd7kOA[/youtube]

Good one.

I don't know why I'm laughing. I have had some nightmarish, hellish, completely anhilating experiences like that. Luckily they are becoming rarer.
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