Raised by Aspergers parent

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I think my mom might have AS. She's always been extremely different from anyone I know. She wears faux fur coats and tons of layers of clothes, even in summer and doesn't own anything new. Even if people buy her something new, she doesn't use it. She puts water on her food to make it softer, hates smells of perfume (even if its all natural) and doesn't like fabrics touching her skin like pants (so she wears skirts only). She wears shoes too big for her because she thinks its more comfortable.
It's been so hard growing up with her. Especially when she doesn't show too much affection. My sister and i are in our 30's and brother in his 40's and we still have such a hard time dealing with her weird behaviors.. (i.e. going to a restaurant with my new boyfriend and she puts water on her pizza and brings in her own salad from home thats in an old container).

do you think she has AS? Any suggestions on how to handle it? Its hard during the holidays because she wants things a certain way that no one else does. Any suggestions on how she can get better? Thanks

There is no way for us to know from limited information if she actually has AS, but some of those behaviors would not be inconsistent, so it is possible.

The thing is, I don't think you should be looking for her to "get better." If she is AS, I would assume that these traits are how she copes with life, and they don't hurt anyone at this point in time (although I'm sure they were more trying for you as a child), even if they can still be stressful for you at times. There is nothing inherently wrong with being "odd;" it is simply something to be understood. I've found it easy enough to tell people that person A is a little quirky but they've got a good heart; that is usually enough for people to handle the quirks and accept someone. You have to get over the idea of being mortified by things a relative does; life will go on just fine.

The needing things "just so" can be more difficult, because that will extend out to you and can make you feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time. I would suggest maybe describing the most difficult expectations and then maybe we can brainstorm ways to help you work with her to mitigate them?

i guess its hard to explain because it isn't really just one thing but a combination of everything. I think what was hard was growing up living in poverty but not because we were poor; because my mom wanted our house to look that way. And she didn't say she loved me until i was 18 and still doesn't much. It does make it a little easier now, knowing that she probably has a mental disease and isn't just "weird" or "mean". It was always very frustrating for my family growing up because we couldn't figure her out and we did always feel like we were walking on eggshells.
Even at my sister's 30th birthday (and almost having her first child), my sister's husband lit some really nice candles outside (scent free). But my mom told him to blow them out and he wouldn't because he was tired of always catering to her. So she left the family party and then my dad left because she left. So it was just my sister and i and her husband at her "special" family birthday dinner. that is only a one-hour clip in the history of my family. but pretty much any time we hang out with her, its like that.

its very hard. and its hard to explain it to my friends without feeling ashamed of myself like I will turn out that way or something. Even though I know I won't turn out like that, my ex fiance couldn't handle the thought that i might turn into her and we broke up.

anyways, that might provide a little more insight. Thank you

I think it is important for you - and the people you date - to understand that if you aren't showing any of your mother's traits at this point in time, you are not going to. She has always been like that, it sounds like, and you haven't been.

I can't imagine a mother never telling her child she loves her. Very hard.

What happens if you ask your mother why she needs something the way she seems to need it? Does she know? Can she explain herself? Is she WILLING to explain herself? The candles, for example: was she afraid of them, or bothered by the smell (of wax) or the smoke?

I'm also curious what your home growing up looked like, when you say you grew up in poverty because your mom wanted it that way. Was that old, used items, or very little of anything? There might be some clues to what is going on with your mom in that.

Also, just so you know, on this forum we generally consider ASD to be a neurological difference, a way of wiring the brain that isn't typical; not a mental disease. The deficits can be compensated for, but not "cured." And ASD can come with gifts to offset the burdens; I'm curious, does your mother have any gifts?

I can't tell from that short description but I also don't always use gifts people give me either and I haven't bought any new clothes in a few years. If it was not something I needed or not interested in, I tend to not use it. She may have sensory issues so that would explain pouring water on food, hating the smell of perfume, wearing skirts, and wearing shoes that are big and having to leave places because she cannot handle the smell. Sometimes you will need to cater her regarding her sensory issues if you want her to stay. Unless she is willing to walk around with tissue in her nose so she won't smell a thing.

Is your mother obsessed with saving money by any chance? My husband tells me I act like we are very poor so he handles the finances now because I was driving him crazy with my money obsession. I wouldn't let him spend anything, even a dollar, on something.

This is a great thread, appart from a few diversions from the original topic.... its really interesting! After my DD5 started having problems and we began to think she had Aspergers we have been able to look back at other family members and see it is everywhere in the family! It explains so much and things make more sense now!

I really think our childrens generation will benefit greatly from having formal dx's in themselves and knowing their parents (us 30/40 somethings) are undiagnosed but understand AS and are open to it. My daughter will be able to live her adult life knowing AS runs in the family and any problems that crop up can be quickly recognised and dealt with. We can talk about it openly, there will be no denial or accusations if my grandchildren have AS, we will be accepting.

The stories of growing up with Aspie parents are so familiar to my husband who is undiagnosed AS, and because we are open to it we can avoid all the bad stuff for our daughters

Good observations, LeagueGirl. There is definitely evidence of strong sensory issues, and it is interesting how you can relate to the many of the descriptions.

whheee, one thing to note about sensory issues is that they are very real. That can be hard for us to relate to, because we simply don't experience the items in the same way, and the instinct is to feel, then, that it is all in the person's head, or that they are overreacting. But they really are not overreacting because they do smell what we don't smell and really do feel sensations that we don't. That heightened sensory input can be overwhelming to the point of making it impossible to function. Sometimes the issues ease with time or therapy (OT), but you can't count on it, and it is generally recommended that sensory issues be taken seriously and honored. As a parent to an AS child (and daughter of a man I strongly believe was AS), I've seen the effects when I don't respect the sensitivity: my son's brain scrambles up and behavior goes out of control. As a parent, I've realized that I have to choose between certain noises (my son is mostly sound sensitive so we leave the TV mostly off, and rarely play music) and a son who functions well. Which was an easy decision to make as a parent, it was my job to watch and see and adjust, but not something you, when you were a child, had a choice in or would be able to understand.

I loved your post and really relate. I look forward to hearing more when you're ready to share. The "raised by robots" makes perfect sense. I never experienced empathy or warmth growing up, and then I had no idea how to show those things even though I knew those qualities were inside me. My parents did a great job providing for me and spending time with me, but I have always felt that I emotionally raised myself. I never received any positive comments, only criticism. When I asked my mom about this, she said "if things are going the way I expect, there's no need to comment on them. If I need something to be better, then I need to say something." If my parents didn't like something I did, they would yell at me and insult me, and felt perfectly justified in doing so, since I'd done something wrong. If I wanted to express how I was feeling in an emotional way, I was an inconsiderate inconvenience who needed to "get myself under control." I had to learn to think like an AS person to survive my childhood, which was sheltered and isolated. Then, when I grew up and had to navigate the NT world, I appeared like an AS person socially. It wasn't until I was 28 that I started to have any idea of who I was, what was normal, how to act, and what made me happy. I still have a long way to go.

I am not sure if I have AS myself (I go back and forth in my posts, but I honestly don't know). I believe myself to be the most NT in my family. My father is the posterboy for Asperger's. I don't think my mom has AS, but she definitely has certain traits and particular issues which have affected our relationship.

For example: my father will yell and scream if anything is not to his liking and he feels perfectly justified in doing so. My mother lets him get away with this because he is "smart" and "hardworking" so he is "allowed to be this way." My father made a comment after a recent family gathering that he "hated people talking about their new babies" and couldn't understand why people didn't have a more intellectual level of conversation (i.e. hating small talk.) I explained to him that I really enjoyed hearing our family members talk about their babies, because I got to share something that was important to them and feel connected to them. I told him that the level of conversation he expects from me is exhausting and stressful, because I don't have the knowledge which he does on those topics, and I usually just end up nodding along. I then shifted the conversation to a topic we both like, because he only engages if he likes the topic.

Your story about being flabbergasted when your friend's mother stopped for the Diet Coke since your family never broke routine for anything is very relatable to me. I have had some shocking realizations myself, such as the fact that married people actually have other friends.

Yep, just reading yours, I can tell we have lots and lots and LOTS in common. I had that same issue, trying to learn how to function in the world when you're raised AS is so hard and scary. My NT brother and I have had endless conversations about how we still don't know things that 6 year old kids do, and we're in our 30's. The freaky part is those things came naturally in us as kids and we were persecuted for them by our parents. So we feel bad for being normal. If we are even sure we know what that is. It's really hard to explain.

My dad is the AS posterboy as well. We always knew there was something different about him, but it was always the elephant in the room. I actually learned of it when my therapist asked "what about your dad?" and I explained that he was just totally uninterested in me, always had been. Unless of course I wanted to talk about WW2 or boats or baseball stats.... I described his quirks and she suggested AS immediately before I even finished. As I mentioned, I don't know about my mom. She has a lot of other issues, which could also be present with AS, I'm not sure. She was a very, very cruel woman. She did what you mention though - she enabled my dad unconditionally. I'm pretty sure he couldn't even make toast until she got sick and couldn't. She never swooped in and gave emotion when he failed. She never challenged any of his needs for routine, or his lack of compassion (during her illness he would just leave her at the hospital), his obsessions, inability to deal with change, random outbursts of anger, his continuous talking to himself. She just said "he's a good guy!" and dismissed anything we questioned. His needs and rules ran the show, and she never questioned it. She definitely had some AS traits, maybe they were her needs too, I don't know. Either way AS was status quo in our house. She was not an equalizing force by any stretch of the imagination. The fact that one of my brothers is also AS just served to confirm that they were right and my NT brother and I were wrong, wrong, wrong emotional overreactive creatures. Our home was the antithesis of emotional validation.

I had the same thing you say - if I had any emotion it would be an inconvenience and I was being too sensitive. If I did anything right, it was passed over, but the criticism was insane. They both had very black and white thinking, and were very very religious. So, if you were not as religious as them you were bad - and we were not allowed to have friends like that, or go to peoples houses or even to see our other family members. Also I was labelled as "bad" early on - nothing I could ever do was right. They favored my AS brother to the point that it is painfully obvious and accepted by all of us (even him). He could be killing puppies in the driveway (not that he would...) and he'd still be doing something awesome. I could save 1,000 orphans and I'd still be the devil. There was no winning. Period. No redemption. My mother was also very paranoid, suspicious and mean. Once I told her I couldn't get potato chips for my dad because I had to take my son to his school musical (I'm a single mom) and she said "well if you can't handle having your kids, have you thought about giving them up for adoption?" She was dead serious. No empathy, no compassion, no ability to see anyone's perspective but her own. When I got divorced, she changed my address with all of our family members but failed to tell them why, so 4 years later I am STILL getting xmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs XXX. I had to ask her to take our wedding pictures down 3 years later.

My whole life I was treated as wrong for being what the rest of the world considers "normal". My NT brother was considered to be abnormal and berated for not wanting to go to an all boys' high school because there were no girls. They told him there was something wrong with him for liking girls at 14. After all, my AS brother didn't have any issues going to an all boys school... I doubt everything I feel, I doubt every decision I make, I doubt my intuition and my ability to navigate any situation. What I feel reflexively has been driven out of me to the point I feel guilty for having any feelings. I feel wrong for being normal - because it's been going on since birth, when I have feelings, they're instinctive, but they are also accompanied with self loathing and guilt. I have so much trouble in social situations, I was never given the opportunity to navigate them and learn from them as a kid. Conflict resolution in our house was get screamed at, stop speaking for a period of time, then pretend it never happened. Needless to say there has been a lot of learning in my adult life. I'm still only halfway there and have had a lot of disasterous relationships. I do have a few patient friends who have helped me learn, but honestly my own children (both NT) help me a lot too.

I have made my own choices of course, but I was set up to fail by my upbringing. I married a man who was an a$$, not aspergers... Why? because I was raised to think that someone who has no consideration for you, makes you do 100% of the household tasks (from work to child rearing), can't see your point of view and berates you constantly is normal and "that's what guys do" (thanks mom!). Needless to say that didn't last, but it took me way too many years before I could feel confident that what was happening was wrong, and there wasn't anything wrong with me for not wanting to put up with it.... even though I was so depressed I regularly considered suicide. Even now I sometimes doubt myself that it was the right thing to leave - but logically it was and my children and I are MUCH better off. It's that I don't trust my own judgement. Thanks again, mom and dad! (yeah, I'm a bit bitter )

Obviously there is a lot more to the story, I'm sure it will come out eventually. I'll leave this already too long post with a nice little story of how it feels to be NT in an AS world - at least for me. So, when my mom passed away, she died on my birthday. My NT brother (NTB) and I of course had to wake up at 4 and go to hospice and handle all of the logistics, get her stuff etc. Later on that day, my dad, ASB and SIL, NTB and my two kids (8 and 10) were all in the funeral home dealing with the arrangements with the funeral director. While we are talking to him, he asks if we want to have it graveside or in the chapel. Team AS says they don't care and NTB and I want graveside. There was no hostility in the conversation, nothing.... I tell the funeral director that since they don't care we'll have it graveside. ASB says to my dad "you can go ahead and backhand her now" -- which my dad does. Both laugh hysterically. We go through a few more things and I suggest (politely and calmly) that my mother would have liked "this" card. Backhanded, laughing, again. I start to cry silently. Then the funeral director requested us to go pick out a casket, and my SIL asks if I want her to stay with the kids while we go, and I said no, I'm going to stay because every time I have an opinion I get backhanded........ to which my father gets irate and starts telling me I'm "too damn sensitive, what is your problem?" and he and ASB are truly mystified that I'm actually upset. You know, I've been up since 4 am, my mom died, it's my birthday, and he just backhanded me twice in front of a funeral director and my children at my ASB's request and they laughed about it... call me crazy indeed. Good times.

I am autistic, so being raised by Asperger/BAP parents was right for me. They fit me much bester than NT parents would have, just like NT parents fit NT kids bester.

I really like having a combination in our household. Although both my husband and I have certain AS traits, I think he is more likely to qualify for an AS diagnosis. My husband would have had a lot of difficulty navigating the IEP process and getting our son the services and accomodations he needs; my husband absolutely does not deal well with conflict. But I negotiate well. And I am definitely more affectionate than my husband, and both my kids (AS and NT) thrive on affection.

Similarly, I think my mom mitigated a lot of things for my father. In some ways, she cowed to him (face it, women just did in those days, wouldn't matter if the man was AS or NT), but there were also ways she challenged his ideas and negotiated with him on our behalf.

Of course, every family is unique and hopefully finds its own way of working, of getting needed balance. Without a question knowledge, knowing what one's own limitations are, helps. That is part of the work of this forum.

JujuJLT and urbanpixie, thanks for sharing your stories. I don't feel I have much to contribute to the discussion between you because my situation is a little bit different, but it is informative to read all the experiences. One thing I am tasked with is raising an AS child who may choose to be a parent himself someday, and these conversations uncover things I may not have yet considered working with him on.

I am so excited to see this topic.

My dad is AS and my brother probably is as well (although no formal diagnosis yet.) They are both math/science folks who work in pretty set formulas. Growing up my mom was a moderating force in all of this but as an adult I have been learning just how much AS impacts my dad as a parent - especially now that my mom has passed.

Thank you to all of you who have posted - especially UrbanPixie as I can see my expereince reflected in so many!

Sometimes I think it would be great to have an in person gathering of those of us raised by AS parents.

Info101- thanks for your message. It meant a lot to me to hear you can relate. I'm sure an in person gathering wouldn't be easy to organize but I have to say- that would really appeal to me.

... Wow! What a fascinating forum. My sister and I have been reading it for hours. I should say up front I was diagnosed very early; in fact my diagnosis had to formally wait for AS to be included in the DSM... I was diagnosed at age 6 due to an odd constellation of symptoms; autodidact with genius IQ, read on my own at age 2, etc, but insisted on eating only UNDER tables, for instance, snuck out of kindergarten and did not walk home, but rather to the library, where I say reading in the children's section until the police found me (my excuse? the other kids were stinky and LOUD and all acted like babies) and then the seizures started from sensory overload. So, needless to say, I had young and devoted parents who would stop at nothing to figure out WHAT was with their eldest child. Some researchers in Boston were most helpful in that regard. That being said, here is my point:

My NT Mother was literally the bane to my existence as a kid. I found her bizarre need to touch strangers, start conversations with people who clearly were minding their own business, her excessive giggling, laughing, and chatting (ugh!) so off putting, I used to try to wrangle away from her even holding my hand. She was admittedly a VERY attractive very young Mom and she knew it; typical NT, always having to play some kind of psychosexual angle for attention; too bright of clothing, too LOUD a laugh, always mouth open teeth showing (I used to ask her please shut your mouth and put your teeth away you're like a wolf!) Always that ever popular NT girly type who should just scream "look at me look at me" constantly and cut to the chase because really, they cease to exist if they are not the center of someone's (typically the whole room's) attention. She would put things in all different places, her purse was a mess inside, she never read books, instead magazines and they had no useful factual information in them and furthermore she would never stop with the "Relax, Sweety, please! You are so uptight, just go with it, go with this go with that..." all kinds of rubbish.

Thank GOD for my Aspie Dad! He understood that homework, should, for instance, be perfect; it is not a "trial run," it is a learning exercise. He understood that one requires something called QUIET, that strangers should not approach and touch people for no reason or without permission; he understood that facts.... AH! Facts! Facts make planes fly, they make science and cooking, toys and games, TVs and everything around us possible. Facts are at the root of my understanding and ordering of the universe! My Dad understood that I did not play sports "for fun" I played sports to WIN, and win only. My Mom thought it was odd that I "kept receiving MVP of every sports team" given that I was "utterly rude and obnoxious to the other players." I certainly was NOT, I was the team backbone. When everyone else forgot why we were out there on a frozen field in the dark and it was sleeting freezing rain and we were bruised and bleeding 13 year old girls... and wanted to give up...I would scream "SCHOLARSHIPS! Don't forget WHY WE PLAY SO HARD COME ON WIN!" My Dad would faithfully run that field in that freezing weather yelling pointers, new plays, encouragement, cursing, whatever, but guess who had "the coolest Dad?"

Me. My Aspie Dad was considered massively cool, mainly because we got along perfectly and I had something very few little girls had: A 100% involved Dad who took being a Dad as seriously as I took being a "Good Kid."

I have another unique situation in regards to growing up Aspie and eldest in the 80s: My NT mother couldn't get enough attention at home so she started drinking and doing cocaine with the other weak willed socializers of her era. And then it began; the rehabs, the mental health sojourns, the screaming look at me fits reaching epic proportions while my Dad struggled to raise the other 3 kids behind me constantly being assailed by this hysteric. I was 12 years older than the other siblings (again, attempts to appease her, to give her more things to pay attention to her, I don't know what the heck he was thinking in that regard)...

So eventually I ended up splitting my time between Ivy League College and raising trying to be the best Mom possible to my siblings on the weekends.

Long story short:
One bro and sister and NTs.
The youngest sister is 21 and showing many Aspie traits.

It was the youngest sister I came to this morning and said "being 4 months pregnant, I was reading through the forums regarding Aspie parents and I am mortified. I am suddenly very scared, scared I am some kind of monster waiting to happen to my unborn child!" To which I received this response from her:

"Reaction so far to Aspie parenting: you're diagnosed and educated, so these things were not befall you. As a mother figure in my life, even before diagnosis, you were never emotionally distant and never made me or any of us feel unloved. I admit that it's possible some of your spectrum-y ways could rub off on your kids-- you know I show some spectrum-like tendencies, which could either be genetically passed to both of us or maybe, just maybe, I learned them from you. Regardless, I consider the intelligence we both possess (I mean, that sounds obnoxious, but really, I would hate to be dumb) far outweighs the drawbacks of being spectrum (or in my case, showing spectrum-like tendencies, I still am not sure I can claim a full Aspie diagnosis). While I am very much challenged in social situations, it hasn't held me back from being successful in relationships, education, or professional life thus far."

So, I had always envisioned being prompted to finally contribute to an Aspie forum in a positive manner, and I believe I have found a way to do so in quoting my sister and sharing the above.

Not many participants in this forum have stopped for on second to consider what it is like being an ASPIE child laboring under the constant influence of an NT parent. And yes, my mother was "super neurotypical," as I have explained. However, Aspies are not inherently poor parents, and more than NTs are poor parents. It comes down to understanding the CHILD in question and what that child's needs are. If my child is NT I have no fears there, my other sister and brother and I are ultra close, I raised them, and they are NTs. I somehow managed to take my highly analytical skill of refusing to delude myself and convert it into fact gathering and assessing how to best provide for EACH child individually, and I did that when I was a teenager myself.

Please, NTs and Spectrum folks alike: Try, just try, to think of the pregnant Aspies reading this forum, the kind of fear your negative assessment of your own upbringings by Aspies can create. And try to ponder how despite being a "majority approved" parent, my Mother and I were never able to see eye to eye, and it wasn't because I wouldn't make eye contact. It was because she REFUSED to adjust her behavior to that required to successfully parent; instead believing that because SHE was the NORMAL one, WE would all see eventually that she was right.

She has nothing as a consequence. Except addiction and despair. Now that, that is the ESSENCE of bad parenting right there. Without her fans she was no one. All too typical the tear jerking song of failed NTs, everywhere, but one you will never hear and Aspie singing. Never ever.

Thanks, everyone sorry if I seem a bit forceful. But for every undefended Aspie parent derided on this forum who for reasons of age or logistics did not receive the advanced training and counseling I did-- I must say: BE THANKFUL, AT LEAST THEY TRIED. Some people get no parents at all.

PS: My Grandmother, also super NT and owner of a hair salon in a major city for 35 years-- is and always has been my very best friend; so; NT parenting CAN behoove an Aspie. So long as they can accept their mutual differences and LEARN TO LOVE!

Finally a positive AS parent story, thank you.

I know some of these stories can be a tough read, but no matter what group of people you look at, you can find some tough reads on their parenting skills. The ASD parents reading in this thread have to remember that they are not defined by their AS, and have choices on how they parent. There might be a few times a story helps you realize that something you would assume would be a non-issue to a child actually is an issue, but that information works both ways: NT parents raising AS kids have a lot to learn in that area, too, and even an AS parent raising an AS child can be blindsided by an unexpected issue because, simply, each person is unique. The best way to be the best parent you can be is to have the most information possible, pay attention to your unique child so that you understand their unique needs (enabling you to select the most appropriate information), and then ignore what does not resonate or seem to apply. You'll go nuts if you over-think this parenting job; a lot of it is by instinct.

Aud, every first time parent is a bit scared, and somehow expectant parents have a nose for finding just the sorts of stories they probably should not read (I certainly did, I had to actively shut that off!). You'll get way more advice than you want or can possibly effectively use, and much of it will be totally inappropriate to your unique family. Take in what works for you, don't lock into set ideas (flexibility is super important), and love your child. There are no perfect parents, but if you want to be a good parent, odds are good that you will do well-enough, just like the rest of us. Your AS will provide some unique challenges, many of which have been discussed in the Parents on the Spectrum thread; take a look, if you have not already. I know the thread is slow moving, but I guess there are only so many times parents want to discuss the exact same issues they are having. Overall I think that thread could give you a good heads-up on what to expect in the way of things you are likely to experience that the new NT parents around you might not. Best of luck! Your world will change but you'll never look back.