*§*AS-Parent Support Group*§*

Post Reply New Topic

Hi; I'm a 21-year-old AS/PDD-NOS/bipolar/depressed female who loves her beautiful, sweet, expressive little boy, but might have to make some sacrifices as far as living with him goes. Can you help me? I have a thread called Family in the General Autism Discussion forum that explains it all.

The parent option topic

Hi, Ana54. It was not long ago you were posting in the youth pages! People grow up so fast.

This is a good forum for advice.

Lotusblossum, I have never been approached by Social Services regarding my kids. How did this happen? I am not being nosy, I just find it odd that an educated adult like yourself would garner any doubt about parenting abilities. Strange.

It happened to me because of homeschooling my son. Not only the academic inspection but the "social control" when essentially have to prove that are not neglecting/depriving/unhealthily isolating your child etc, and your child has to show that they are a perfectly normal child in every way ... . Which is difficult if child is AS. And it is very invasive/threatening.

And Lotusblossom also homeschools.

But I think she answered me about this, ( now many pages back ), by saying it was because she "foolishly" ( sarcasm, ... but it does appear that it is risky ), asked for help from them on some issue at one point, and they haven't lost sight of her since.

.

All gone quiet here. Hopefully becasue the lives of AS parents are all looking good right now

I have a question for the AS parents who have a child with an NT partner. Does your different viewpoint from the NT partner ever cause conflict with regard to bringing up children? And another one: do you think you have some advantages over the NT parent with regard to the children?

Sometimes it seems to me that my NT-ex although much more in tune with social conventions than me, was out of tune with what it is like to be a child largely free of social conventions. After all, that is how we are all born, totally free of any cultural baggage. Things like she would automatically assume that little children want lots of stimulation, loud noise, gangs of friends, bright colours. Because that's her cultural assumption. To me, it looked like the children would often be not happy about the over stimulation at all. They would be sulky, have tantrums, or become hyper. Take them somewhere quieter, give them "quality time" attention 1-to-1, instead of confudling them with distractions, and they would calm down and become more content. That's how it looked to me, but not my NT partner.

Although it caused conflict, I think it was also an advantage to have a parent detached from cultural norms. Less so as the children get older and totally buy into the prevailing culture. Maybe it will become useful again when the get even older and disillusioned with a culture that views them primarily as resources to exploit?

Hey folks

Im still getting crap off the social services. I had the inspection with the social worker and the education wellfare officer and that went ok but now Ive been passed on to a new social worker who will liase with me and the 'expert' social worker who will do my parenting assessment. I spoke to this new social worker on the phone on tuesday and she was a manipulative lier and I hate her. I raised my voice a bit at her and she hung up- oh good move me.

I feel such dispair at the current situation and the only option I keep thinking of is killing myself. I feel so at odds with life and I feel I cant do anything right. Im sick of being criticised as a parent and never being good enough. I dont even want to try anymore. I have no friends , no lover, no family which likes me. Im obvoiously such a bad mother so the kids would be better off with out me and I bring no contribution to the world. I just cant see how things will improve as my whole life has been rubbish and will continue to be so as I am the problem in it. I shoot myself in the foot and make everything worse for myself. I always do the wrong thing and cock everything up.

bah I feel so bad, it just is all too much and really sucks

Oh s**t, bum, I'm glad the inspection went well, and very sad to hear you have some hideous new social worker to contend with.


Count me a sort of friend, ( obviously not a very good one because I "have Aspergers" ). I'm sure your children love you. And your mother seems to be sympathetically inclined, offering to pay for short breaks in France etc. You organise apparently super WP meet-ups in London, and your psychologist believes/supports you about your children etc.


Don't blame yourself for stuff which isn't your fault. You're not a bad mother; that's just the medical/psychiatric/social establishment/hegemony talking. You're being oppressed/discriminated against. Rant about society rather than accusing yourself. I know it can be very difficult; I have moments of doubt too; the majority seem so sure that they are doing things the right way.

You are not a problem, except obviously to the social services who don't know what to do with you; you don't fit anywhere, and it's doing their heads in trying to squash you into the available "seats". You are wonderful; you're managing to follow a university course by correspondence on top of bringing up two children on your own.

I really hope you can persuade your mother-bank to pay for Avignon, and then you can blow off steam, away from mothering duties too, for a few days.

Hugest best wishes, hugs ((((((((((((((((((( Lotusblossom ))))))))))))))))))

.

Thanks Ouinon ((((Hugs))))

I got the psychologists report back a couple of days ago and it was less suportive than she had been in person and said that I needed external support from social services or camhs so that kinda goes completely against what I want. It also said my youngest would be better off in school and that their problems were to do with my personal life

It goes on and on.....

I would so dearly love to come to France and see you and get some in the flesh hugs but it looks more unlikely than ever. I promice that as soon as I can come, I will come to france. But when this has stopped for a bit.

I had to do the meet up in london on monday as I had promised an email friend who was down from scotland that weekend, that I would do it, but it nearly killed me and I found it a big burden and strain dispite everyone being friendly and great.

I worry that I will fail my courses cos of this stress, I did really badly at my essay last week my brain is just like mush.

I am going for a week in Devon with my mother tomorrow so hopefully that will ease some of the stress. Or spending the week with my mother might triple it lol.

When I get back I have to have the parenting assessment, and how I will pass that when Im completely deranged I dont know

Lotus, I'm here for you. Don't hurt yourself, I think you're a great woman. I really look forward to all of your e-mails cos you're really interesting to talk to, and you make me feel so much better! You did a great job at organising those meetups I've been on - both which I thoroughly enjoyed. Don't feel like you don't contribute anything to the world - you do. It's refreshing to meet wonderful people such as yourself who really care, and take the time to listen.

Looking at the above post, it looks a bit standard. I would say more, but I tend to over-do compliments.

Thanks smudge (((hugs)))

Im so glad I met you, it has made a huge difference to my life and its so nice to have a new friend.

I feel a bit better this evening, Im looking forward to getting away from it all.

Im trying to shut off all the worrying thoughts.

Everything is just always so hard, I wish I did not make a mess of things, especially with relationships and with the social services. In all these situations I say the worst thing and make a terrible/inacurate impression

Awwww. That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I'm really glad to have met you too.

I hate it when people say something different to what they then put in writing. It's so misleading/confusing. Especially when it seems she hid the most important elements of her evaluation from you, perhaps to avoid confrontation in the face-to-face situation. It's not what I would have expected from someone that is being paid ( by you ) for their professional help/guidance.

About homeschooling, have you found someone in your area/from the national homeschooling organisation who could help you/act as witness/advocate on that issue, or at least point you in the direction of information leaflets designed to reassure social services/inspections? ( we have those in France, but they're in french! )


EnglishLulu just posted on the meet-up thread that Ryanair is currently offering flights at £5 to Marseille and Montpellier/Nimes, but I can see that if you're totally overwhelmed by bureaucratic hassle it might be difficult to enjoy yourself.


Could you negotiate with the course-providers for some time-off/relaxed deadlines, based on your being under stress etc? Or even some kind of pass-mark despite missed papers?


I hope you have a nice time.

.

gah, the evil new social worker phoned again today, demanding to do the parenting assessment tomorrow. I said I wanted to get an out reach worker from the local autism group to be there, so could not do it at such short notice. She gave me her number to pass on and said "she better call me today". How rude!

I phoned the boss social worker but she said I couldnt change to a different case worker but she would come to the visit to supervise her so now Im going to have 3 social workers coming round - the assessor, the new one and the boss grr

Ive asked the out reach worker if she will phone them and arrange to be there so I hope she can, she is very pro autism and understanding, and she will back me up on the having to have enough notice.

It really bugs me as they are saying I need this assessment because of my aspergers but wont recognise that because of my aspergers I do not like being phoned all the time or short notice on vists etc etc.

I feel complete despair now

That's great you have somebody coming to support you, act as witness etc.


Yes.


That's what a lot of homeschooling families in France get, if they won't take their child(ren) in to the "offices" for the academic inspection. ( They are obviously scared of you; safety in numbers! ) Treating you as if you are delinquent/recalcitrant, etc.


Yes, classic bureaucratic double-think/speak.


Crossed fingers for getting the outreach worker to come for the interrogation, and good luck.

.

I will let you know what the out reach worker says Im really stressed.

It doesnt seem to be about the home ed anymore but they are being so secretive and funny with me that I dont know what is going on. The assessment I got back from the last visit said I was fine but then why are they being so rude and difficult.

I just cant stand it.

I really hope that s/he is able to swing the balance of the official attitude. Yes, keep us posted.


I understand that; I just meant that the bureaucratic response seems oddly similar. Turn up in numbers. As if they wanted to intimidate you.


I totally get that could be the worst thing, not knowing what is going on, having the feeling that there is some ( other/extra ) agenda that you are being excluded from.

The tragic and insane thing is that the social workers are theoretically at least supposed to be on your side. To support you.

.