What would have helped me as an Aspie child

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My parents are very big on respect. Unfortunately for me, growing up I had no idea what was disrespectful and what wasn't, and I was ALWAYS getting into trouble for being disrespectful for some reason. I STILL don't understand why certain things are disrespectful! (I'm fifteen, so I am still having issues with this.) Since I was diagnosed at age eleven, they have been much better at explaining why it's disrespectful to behave in certain ways (to them, anyway--I refuse to not correct someone when they are wrong, even if the person IS my grandfather), but growing up they'd just punish me and I would have no idea why.

I would also have liked it if my parents had worn sunglasses less. They scared me because I was never sure if they were glaring at me or not.

Finally, I would LOVE it if my mother was more inclined to listen to me. Usually I have to repeat myself four or five times to get a response from her. This drives me insane. She says she just 'zones out' but I feel very annoyed and frustrated when this happens, like I'm not worth listening to.

Reading this I realized some things I never thought about, like:

- everytime I do a substraction is hard for me, even now that I'm almost 30
- why my mother is also fake with other people and why that made me confused
- why I felt scared/ashamed when I went to practice soccer while as a kid


What in my case I think could have helped is:

- learn to dance
- and that implies going out more

because people I started to know in univerity used to invite me to go out with them, but I never went, so they stopped inviting me...

but that implies to not feel overwhelmed, so yes, telling myself that it's ok, that being with others is normal, would have helped a lot.

about my parents, my mother is the kind of temperamental, at one time she threw a super nintendo cartridge with so much force that it broke. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if she just knew about why was I so inactive or engaged in something inside the house, that could also been of great help.

finally, I never took a big decision in my life: To study what I wanted. They sent me to a university out of town, and that helped me to know new people and socialize. I made only one friend in that career, and made much more friends from different careers. I also knew my gf (now ex-gf) in that career... but...

But I never had the guts to choose a career in graphic design, so I graduated in a career that the university had, but I was never involved with the other people or my career.

now i'm happy because I finally had the guts to choose to study graphic design, and i'm advancing, maybe not so fast as I wanted, but anyway I'm happy. Oh, and I've been very praised and congratulated! So yeah, I think I'm actually good and involved.

If it was REAL help-I wish I had been taught a little bit to come out of my shell and notice what was going on around me. I was completely out of it as a child and only my sister ever remarked on it. But if it would have been the type of help my family is known for, maybe I'm lucky they overlooked it.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this post or not, but I want to say THANK YOU!! !! ! I joined this group, like another mom said, to try to get a small glimpse into my wonderful son!! The things you say are so helpful!!

Now, I have a question that maybe one of you can answer. My son has a hard time doing things he doesn't want to do. Basically, if he doesn't want to do it - HE WON'T. I have a hard time with knowing how to teach him that there are some things that he just HAS to do whether he WANTS to or not. Today for example, he was going to ART camp - by his choice. They were going to be learning about photography (which he was very excited about). However, apparently one of the first things they did was to go outside and take pictures which they were going to use later on. For some reason (which he can't seem to explain to me) he decided he didn't want to do it, so he didn't. When he refuses to do things, it's passive agressive. He just totally shuts down and refuses to do it or to talk at all. So, the teacher called me to come get him because he wouldn't be able to do anything the rest of the week without the pictures.

Then when I went to pick him up, he was actually laughing and having a good time. (something very unusual for him). He left with me and said he didn't want to go back.

Of course I was very upset. (I was teaching summer school and had to leave my class to drive over and pick him up.) Plus, he had been looking so forward to this then to just decide he didn't WANT to do it.

He is famous for that. I try to explain to him that there are things that we don't like to do that we all have to do. He just doesn't seem to get it though. So, my question is?? How do I teach him to be responsible and do things that need to be done without punishing him or harping on him all the time???

I grounded him today. Then he got so upset that while I was at lunch w/ my summer school class, he apparently sat in the room and banged his head on the desk the whole time. He had a big bruise on his forehead.

HELP!! !! !

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I think you have to try get to the bottom of why he won't do something. There is a reason, even if he can't articulate it. You may have to ask other questions, and use different approaches, to figure out what's going on in his head. You are also going to need teachers and camp counselors who understand that a direct approach is not always going to work with him. My son sometimes "hits a road block" and can't explain why. If situations are reframed or questions asked in a different way, sometimes it helps. Or sometimes he just needs to do it at a different time.

Maybe he could have done a different activity - taken pictures inside, or just gone along and taken his pictures at home, later. But it would take an informed and sensitive adult to navigate through a situation like this. Most adults tend to think that a kid is just being beligerent or disrespectful when they react this way. I hope you can find another good situation for him!

PS - as your son gets older, be prepared to do a lot of negotiating with him - it works better than punishment, and it minimizes the anger and resentment he will feel towards you. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept ("I shouldn't have to negotiate with my son - I'm the parent!") but it's a much better way to go. It also teaches them some relationship skills!

I think this is a really big issue. I agree with Rosacoke.

What would have helped *me* would have been to stop blaming *me* for what was wrong and instead trying to figure out what the problem was with the environment or my interaction with it or something. I always was made out to be the one at fault.

Your son didn't refuse for spite or whim. He refused for a reason.

I'm really surprised that you grounded him for this. Or was it for something else that you left out? If so - ignore the rest of this post.

If it was for the photo class: What exactly was the punishment for? He didn't hurt anyone, he didn't do anything bad. He just got overwhelmed possibly by a teacher doing things too fast or in a different order than he expected or without clear instruction or something. And instead of backing him up, you punished him for their screw-up. Nice. Good job supporting him. Sounds to me like you took out your frustration on him. Not good. You're supposedly the "normal" adult. Try acting like it.

EDIT: Okay - I'm being overstrong maybe. But I cannot fathom the concept of punishing a kid for having a meltdown - I mean, to me that's like punishing a blind kid for walking into a wall because you didn't figure out to give him a walking stick and teach him to use it.

Last edited by Anna on 05 Jul 2006, 9:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

How old is he?

How self-aware were you at his age?

Did you talk with the teacher first to make sure there was a clear agenda and that the teacher was following it? Did you make sure he understood beforehand what to expect at the class? How much did you prep the teacher(s) to help him with transitions?

It sounds very possible that they hit him with a sudden unexpected transition and that he didn't know how to cope. And I wouldn't expect him to know how to verbalize that. Could you at his age? Especially *after* the stress caused a shutdown? And to an angry mom?

He's not shutting down to be spiteful or recalcitrant. He's shutting down in self-protection or because he's totally overwhelmed by something.

Start observing him closely and working to set him up for success by helping him with his expectations and his transitions. Don't get mad at him when he gets overloaded and shuts down. Figure out how YOU need to set things up next time. Once *YOU* have learned how to set things up, THEN and only then will you be able to help him learn how to ask for what he needs.

Something that may help -

work on babysteps at home. Something he doesn't want to do - ask him why first. So you understand. Then, if it's just a matter of it being a new thing and scary because it's new, give him time to get adjusted. Ask him to think about *tomorrow* trying just a little bit. Like, for example, you want him to try a new fruit or vegetable.
Show them to him in the store. Talk about them. Let him touch one. Don't force him to do anything except touch it.
Later, serve a *small* portion with dinner and just have it in its own dish so it doesn't "contaminate" his plate.
Ask him just to smell it. If he can, encourage him to take *just* one bite. Don't make him finish the serving.

FOLLOW THROUGH - don't force him to eat the whole thing. Unless you follow through on letting him get used to things slowly, and praise him for taking the chance, you'll never get anywhere. He'll just learn that he can't trust anything, including promises to take things slowly.

Regardless of whether he liked it or didn't, or even took a taste, praise him for smelling it, or for having it near him. If he tells you he doesn't like it, EVEN IF it's for some wierd reason like "it's yellow" or "it feels weird" or any reason at all, let him not eat more.

Keep finding small things *occasionally* that you can help introduce him to that he might need to take slowly. and give him a chance to learn that you will support him in those transitions and in saying *no* as well as *yes*.

You're a woman. Think about yes and no. If you can't say "no" - is your "yes" meaningful? Teach him that his "no" is respected. And then, help him learn that he can say "yes" without having to overcommit to the whole thing. He can say yes to a babystep.

Eventually, with support, he'll learn to try other things that he doesn't want to do (especially if you work with him on solving the issues that make him not want to do them- like vague or confusing directions, sudden unexpected transitions, etc.)


Hope this helps. Sorry if I was too mean in my previous response.

That's how it's been for me all my life. My parents and pretty much all the other adults in my life blamed *me* for everything, no matter what. I pretty much internalized the "fact" that happiness is something reserved only for adults. Sadly, I didn't realize how wrong I was until a few years ago. So even now, I get a mixed feeling of envy and confusion when I see a kid being happy. Do you want your son to feel that way when he grows up?

Wow, great responses!! I'm sorry, we've been away on vacation for a week.

I'm sorry I was not very specific in my post. He was not grounded for the art camp incident. He was grounded for fighting with his brother at home.

I respect your post immensely and I assure you, I do try to be supportive of him at all times. Believe me, I have been at his middle school more than 20 times in the last year and they have now pegged me as a "difficult" parent and have revoked his transfer because of that.

I totally understand his need for understanding. I do that at home. I negotiate with him on a minute by minute basis.

I guess my question shouild have been more accurately expressed as how do you get teachers, camp counselors, etc... to understand his needs and understand how to deal with him.

I can explain and explain to people, but like you said, they see his need for explanation as being disrespectful. They see his inability to communicate in times of stress as being noncompliant. I guess I'm just curious how to get him past some of those issues so that he can communicate in the NT world.

I mean, when you get a job, most bosses aren't going to explain to you why you need to do something, they just expect you to do it. The police officers aren't going to explain to you why you need to "FREEZE", they are just going to shout freeze and then shoot. This may be an absurd analogy, but that is my big question - HOW do I get him to understand that there are times when you just have to do what someone tells you regardless of your questions.

I've always told him - do whatever your teacher says and then if you question it, come home and tell me and I'll deal with it. Meaning, the teacher deserves respect and if something they are telling you is wrong, I should be the one to deal with it. And I will!! He knows that.

The school illegally restrained him earlier in the year because he refused to leave a classroom b/c he needed to finish a test. Well, when I finally found out about it, I guarantee you, I threw a fit and raised all kinds of HECK!! ! Even though I risked losing my own job ( I teach Special Ed in the same district he attends).

It just seems that he is getting worse and worse about not doing anything he doesn't WANT to do. It's really difficult especially since I have a 6 yr old and 9 yr old that don't understand why he gets away with stuff they don't.

It is just frustrating as a mom to see him so miserable so often and having so much trouble functioning in a NT world. I guess I was just looking for advice on how to help him cope.

Anna, I was not offended in any way by any of your posts. I admire your passion!! !

I just wish my son was as verbal about his feelings as some of the people on this board.
He loves to talk, just not about anything anyone else is interested in.

Thanks!! !

I've been a bit concerned about my son as well, with the police situation you mentioned. We've done a lot of work with him specifically on that. Showing him tv/movie scenes and pointing out where it's a problem that someone didn't freeze and why that was a problem. Helping him 'get it'.

Everyone else, well, they can just learn to deal. They're supposedly adults, and I'm sorry but, as teachers, they need to have the intellectual capacity and emotional maturity to deal with a kid with differences and see the difference between being overwhelmed and being noncompliant.

One thing I can think of that might help is: teach your son a way of asking for timeout. and then explain to his teachers to respect it. Something like "I need a timeout" before he goes completely out of it, might help. Especially if you prep them ahead of time and explain that this isn't for him trying to get away with hurting others or damaging property - this is for him to not be totally overwhelmed and maybe, if he can learn to recognize the overwhelming stuff, eventually learn to forestall it.

Good luck with it. The school system there sounds like they're putting you in a really bad position - I hope you can help them understand better. Maybe find a therapist who can back you up?

It would have helped me, tremendously if my Dad was in the Picture, during my first four years alive. I think that he would have had a better understanding about the workings of my Mind, if he was. Than he wouldn't see me as a Defective Person who can't control her thoughts. He might even understand my special Collections and why I'm holding on to a very particular "Sameness", right now that has to do with a City that I mention a lot, around here.

I am now 45 y.o.

Everything everone else has said. Also ....

I know my parents love me, but I never felt loved. I cannot recall hugging or being hugged by them. I used to think it was them but now expect it was me. Lots of hugs - leave no doubt.

I just wanted to say thanks for all who posted a reply in the What would have helped me topic! I am a mother of a child who I want desperately to understand! Not change, just understand! This has helped me understand. I feel as though because of this information I can do what is right for her! Yall are the best!

Hi I am new to this, my son has not been yet diagnosed with Aspergers, right now we are undergoing some testing.

Anyway, my son is so obsessed with playing on the computer (he plays Toontown and Virtual Magic Kingdom) ALL DAY! He says he has no friends and prefers computer over friends. He has long hair and will not let me cut his hair as he is scared. He also wears long pants and long sleeves all year around.

Perhaps maybe you could offer me some insight and input on this. Should I put restrictions on him to limit his time on computer, he is not interested in going to camp, playing sports or anythnig like that. I don't know what he is interested but only computer games.

I am so worried about him. The neuropsychologist who evaluated him said that he needs some kind of behavior therapy so I have made an appointment for behavior therapist to come and work with him in overcoming some of the sensory stuff and also to decrease his anxiety level. He also has a hard time separating from me so that is another thing.

Is that a typical Aspie kid?

Hi I'm new too (so don't take this as gospel) but from my own limited experience I don't think there is a "typical" aspie kid.

We have traits, but all different.

Can you say how old he is?