Step son -undiagnosed AS does not want to go outside??.

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Thanks..Kids in general these days seem to need alot of encouragement to go OUT..when i was a kid, we went out as there was no entertainment in..now in this day & age.. with xbox, DS, computer s etc..well most entertainement can be found inside...and kids in general do not want to go OUT..my oldest is 12..he needs to be pushed to go out, as all day long hed rather be on XBOX..but I dont allow that to happen. If i say well Lucas has something going on & shouldt be pushed to do things, then he will say then why do I have to go..and if no one wants to go..is that a good position to be in ..I dont think so..
Just because we can be entertained inside, does that mean the world outside should no longer be considered as a place to discover? Anyone can shut themselves out of the world outside..but is is really healthy..I dont think so..and as this child is undiagnosed & exhibiting some AS shows, I just want to know what the right thing is to do.

i picked out a few statements here for clarity.

first of all, get it out of your mind that there is something "wrong" with him. wrong implies a need to be fixed. there is nothing wrong with him, if he is indeed autistic, that just means his wiring is atypical. how he senses and perceives the world is different, and you WILL need to accept that and learn to work around it. this especially needs to be stressed with the other kids, different is not wrong.

and i think the other three quotes address the issue of fairness and what will happen if you allow one child to not participate. it sounds like the other kids WANT to go out and do these activities. if that is so, there wont be any issue with allowing the one who doesnt want to go to not go. if you do get cries of "its not fair", for younger kids, you can use the age card. when they get to be his age, then they can discuss it with you. for older kids, maybe they too need some time off and it can be considered.

you are probably getting the message that yes, this is typical autistic behavior. it really is. there are a lot of social impairments to autism, for some kids its the main issue, and that can really make activities outside the house, even if just with family, stressful and anxiety producing. one of the diagnostic criteria is "resistance to change", and pulling a child out of their home comfort zone every single time they visit you is going to make those visits harder for that child.

i always come down on the side that kids need to get out and need to participate in family activities, and if you dig around for other threads like this, thats what you will find me saying. BUT that needs to be done with the child in mind. each child has unique needs and you have to find that balance between too much and too little. and while i am all for pushing kids out the door, i cant promote doing it for 8-12 hours at a time at every visit, not for an autistic child who is obviously trying to tell you that its too much for them.

and i do understand the stress behind being the planner, packer, and motivator for an entire family that includes autistics. been there, done that, STILL doing that. and its very hard when you have those who want to go out and those that want to stay in, and you have to be the one determining what happens. we understand the unfairness best i think because we deal with the constant inequality of those parental roles. its a balancing act that we have to continually do, and the only sure thing is that this wont be the last time you have to weigh pros and cons.

What about a strategy of going out early and then coming back early? Then the boy has plenty of time for his own personal activities in the middle of the day.

And perhaps a nighttime activity such as the swimming, too. But you have that big block of time in the middle.

And, for myself, whether it's really getting into a football game as a teenager, or stimming with a favorite soft cotton T-shirt privately in my room and pretending football and/or adventure movies, I need a whole WHOLE lot of alone time, and time that I'm pretty confident I'm not going to be distracted or interrupted in.

(stimming is part of life and part of who I am as a human being. It's all how you channel it, not block it. Yeah, I am somewhat embarrassed out, that's why I do it in private, but not going to get so worked up over it

(in fact one of my dreams, getting an advocacy group of both professionals and people with Asperger's/autism, and the people on the spectrum are rather the leaders, the professionals help and coach. And almost like an initiation, ask one of the professionals, 'When we go to the restaurant, I'd like to ask you to consider stimming in public' Just to consider it. To consider walking a mile in someone else's shoes. See, we're all dressed up pretty nicely. The employees of the restaurant and the other customers, they don't know who is autistic and who is not <--- anyway, to the best of my knowledge, there is no such group. But I would be interested in forming one)


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Then in my twenties, when I read philosophy, wrote philosophy, took long, long walks.

in my early forties, studying managerial accounting, writing thoughtful notes in pencil in the margins. Also got into politics in different ways, including I think pretty effectively on the Internet (I'm generally a left-leaning Democrat), all this takes a WHOLE lot of alone time. And for me, again, a lot of walks. But that's probably not for everyone.


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And yes, yes, I would like to get into shared experiences with others. But that's a little bit few and far between, and for me, trying to even partially force it doesn't work.

I relate to wanting to find a balance when it comes to family dynamics and the typical approach to child development. From my experience however, like many have suggested this is really "a path with least resistance journey" a lot of the time. I just know what my son's limits are, he was diagnosed at sixteen months, so I have the " advantage" of many years of study, (I still find myself mapping out a new route often) however, for him I have come to realize that he takes in so many details at any given time that it is physically and mentally exhausting to a point that I cannot relate to, but I know for him it is too much at times. I ask him very simply something like " I am going to the store, are you staying?" His response is usually one word and I give him about a half hour to an hour notice. He is constantly fighting anxiety when transitioning to a new activity. My other child does not understand his brother at times and I just say," I know this is unusual for you, but this is normal for your brother and he has different goals for himself than you do." I hope this information helps.

You're still having consistency problems. Either everyone else wants to go and he doesn't,
or the other children will want to stay home if he does. You can't have it both ways.


All due respect, why are you asking for advice from the AS community if all you really want to do is to preach the virtues of the outdoors? Keep insisting that it's healthy to force someone into an environment that's miserable for them. It's been working so far, hasn't it?

How is this inconsistent...the other kids WILL go out,…but as soon as one cries fowl….then one or two others may want to stay home..they don’t know he has AS, nor can I can say this without it causes issues.
As I haven’t had in the past to force him into anything, he NEVER had an issue with going outside until the past two mths…..only now its seems to be something that must be forced to some extent, and thats beciase we have always done everyting as a family....it was working till recently..we have a great time usually.
,I’m trying to determine if this is AS behavior that is now developing as he is becoming preteen. or if its just typical kid behavior. And if so what the right course of action is for the future. And yes..even with non AS children, is it difficult to get them motivated to go out side on the weekends, its usually a mixed reaction
Kids have no reason to go outside when they can sit on their butts all days watching TV or doing “nothing”..that is not an AS thing..its a “todays” kid thing it seems. To insist children go outside for a cpl hours a weekend is not cruel and unusual punishment IMO. However if these actions ive asked about do seem to be more with typical AS preteen behaviour, then I want to do what is best for him. Im not here to preach, Im only explaining that its not so wrong to expect kids to go outside IMO. If he has AS, we will find a means to accommodate him, but how is that possible to do without making some sort of acknowledgment for his differences. As the other kids will say WHY does he or doesn’t he have to go..We are trying to do the right thing here for everyone, and yes I wouldn’t be asking for advise if I didn’t suspect this was AS behavior, nor would I care how it effected him if I didn’t care or was worried only about preaching. That is an unfair judgment you are making towards me ..
I have to do my best to get him help without acknowledging the AS, as his mother has said negative things about AS, and I don’t know how to explain it to anyone without causing an issue with the mother as well.
Thanks for your judgements, from my point of view its looks as though you may not looking at the big picture, only how you relate to the boy, which is fine..I just want to do what is best..and if its to let him stay inside all weekend when we go out for a cpl hours, then so be it..but the other kids will wonder " whats up with that"..no words will need to be said, I am always looking at the big picture, along with the fact that kids will be kids , and that its not a bad thing to encourage or push any kid to go outside..we only have them 48hrs every two weekends and a day hike, well its never more then 4hrs. Im looking for ideas on what a good guideline is , and what Ii need to look out for with regard to posssible AS behaviors in a preteen as I do suspect this is what he has..I dont ALREADY KNOW for sure & is treating him with cruelity ignoring his needs...but I do see how all preteen children willrather do nothing, then something.

Id like to say that # 1, Ive never implied that I think there is “something wrong” with this boy. He is undiagnosed, has a mother that refuses to even consider he may be autistic, and Im hear to help clarify if his behavior is or isn’t what I suspect maybe typical of a preteen in todays society, or if this is indeed sounding like AS behavior.
If this IS AS behavior as many seem to agree upon, I have no ISSUE with accepting it..I just want to first find out of it is, and then figure out how I can work around it without telling anyone that he is suspected to have AS.
The mother will freak out if we tell the kids Oh Lucas has AS... I want him to be comfortable with his diffeances, but how do I do that when his own mother denies he has any issues ..and the father has no medical rights to assist his son in the weekend visits, as she has full custody & has already told him there is NOTHING going on with her son..which there clearly is, and how dare he even suggest it.
She even furthered this up with filling this 11yr old with some negativity about how aspergers, and the boy was very upset once when asking the following weekend(with shame in his eyes) when asking his dad..what is Aspergers..and my mom said to not talk about it. So he himself..is already been told who knows what by the mother about AS and how negative it is.
So we have to handle this whole thing very gently.

To clarify what I also was trying to explain was how the rest of the children will indeed see his “special” treatment as a difference & will say “Well whats wrong with him, why doesn’t he have to go, why do we have to go etc etc...I would NEVER imply he is has something wrong..thats insane. My S/O has AS no doubt & it was a Godsend to figure it out..
However the result of one child staying home and not doing the family thing will automatically point to a differance, and then factor in this equation they are all close in age, 12, 11, 9, 8 & 6. so automatically the 12 yr old will want to stay to play XBOX/computer etc if Lucas is..its a domino effect really. Why WOULD any child want to go out, if their buddy is at home.

In this day & age whether NT or AS, kids are more prone to staying inside, enjoying the comfort of TV, computer XBOX etc etc. It’s a real task to get any of them excited about going anywhere as they are at that age, and unfortunately inactivity in children is at a high. This is an epidemic it seems & children are suffering from lack of activity & exercise and other stimulation.

I am one of those parents that think life is built on experiences & adventures, and staying inside is Ok sometimes, but who will teach our kids activity & exercise if they NEVER WANT to go out, or have no encourgament to go explore , exercise, get fresh air etc.. I know on his weeks at home, he never goes out..he refuses to & he is inside for the rest of the 28 days of the mth..more or less..I do not think this expectation is too much.

I also want to point out that Ive never said we do not do this ": "doing it for 8-12 hours at a time at every visit, not for an autistic child who is obviously trying to tell you that its too much for them.”
A day long hike never starts till noon & maybe its a 3-4hr day tops if its an out of town hike/day trip ..….but the majority of our outings usually last no more then 1-2 hrs..And when the “majority” of the kids all what to go out, and no one usually disagrees, we often have a lot of fun.
But someone out there must see..that when one child says..nooo Im staying home..then you have a second & a third etc etc that will all of a sudden what to stay too...KIDS TODAY DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING..they need this encouragement, and yes my stepkids are only visiting every other weekend, so I don’t want to leave them home alone, they are there to soend time with us..unless of coarse this is TYPICAL AS behavior & its in his best interest to be inside. Im just trying to fuigure it out & yes have some fun & discourage kids from staring blank faced at a TV or computer for 16hrs a day.
If this is what I need to understand is typical AS tendencies, thenIi will find a way to assist his differances, but they will not go without being un noticed..and how do i help the other kids understand when his own mother will not allow this to even be consiidered as a factor..and has also shamed her son when her ex told her I suspect I have AS, and that the boys may also..what do we do now?? Sure he can stay home..but why allow him to not go out or get exeroce or participate in a game of soceer or basevball or frisbee..or anything..why??.I just cant see the answer .

Thank you, we usually only go out after lunch for a cpl hours..unless we go on a hike, and that usually 3-4 hrs..He has plenty of time at home, and he usually does spend it alone or with his dad..

You seem to be arguing two different things at once, so I am not sure what you are saying.

You say that everybody goes out, and enjoys the hikes except for your oldest (AS suspected) son. And then you say that if your oldest child gets to stay home, then everybody will want to stay home. Which one is it?

If the younger children enjoy the hikes, then they wont want to stay home with the oldest child because they would prefer to go out hiking. You can just leave your older child at home, and go out hiking without him. When the other children ask why, you just say that he is staying home because he doesn't like to go hiking. The other children will say OK, and then they will go out and join you for hiking.

If they all want to stay home with their older sibling, then apparently they dont want to go out hiking. In that case, all you are doing is forcing your arbitrary notions of how people are supposed to enjoy themselves onto your children.

There seems to be a very disturbing trend amongst people older then their twenties to think that playing video games is somehow harmful or dangerous for children. I don't know where this idea comes from, because it has no basis in reality or fact. Just because your generation grew up by going outside and playing in the dirt doesn't mean that it is the only valid way to spend a Saturday afternoon. There is nothing wrong with staying inside and playing some games. Why are you so insistent that everybody must go out and play outside? Just because your generation did things that way doesn't mean your children's generation has to do it as well. They are people, and they do have the right to determine how they would like to spend their own free time.

This really has nothing to do with AS or not. All it has to do with is whether or not you are forcing your arbitrary, culturally based, expectations on your children simply because you want them to do the same things you did.

I do see why you feel this way..I suppose its the way emails come out when you cant exoalin things the way you need them to be understood.
The kids like outting
Howver when someone doesnt want to go, whether they like the outtings or not, it has an effect on what the other children then think / feel about the outting
Ex If you someone eating icecream..maybe you feel like some too....someone stays home..you feel like it too..
basically this is what is happening.
Thanks for your advise .

I've been avoiding outings too. Mainly due to an intolerance of noise. The future wife and I found a solution though. She keeps a few earplugs in her purse for me. It makes things slightly more tolerable. If you add sunglasses it's almost good enough to feel third person. Worth a shot maybe?

Have you tried other non outdoors activities? Perhaps a board game, or table top game, or an X-box tournament might be more interesting to the family? I understand the desire to do things together, but have you tried activities that don't involve going outside? You may get better results that way.

Since you only get them for 2 weekends each month, then maybe you can do a family activity on one of the days and then let them hang out on the other day. Maybe some of the outings could include something like going to the bookstore or to a museum, or something that the AS son is interested in. I think the answer here is just finding a balance. I agree too that going out for fresh air and activities is good, but it is not the only way to spend family time together.

As far as the other kids feeling like "what is wrong with Lucas", do they not already notice that he has some strange behaviors? You don't have to tell them that it is AS, just chalk it up to that this is Lucas's personality. Not everyone in the world is going to love going outdoors all the time. I am an NT adult female, and I enjoy some outdoor things like swimming or going to a picnic or outdoor gathering when the weather is nice. I like sitting in my back yard or going for walks if the weather is nice. But the other side of my personality enjoys reading, watching movies, listening to music, and yes, getting on the computer. When I was a little girl, my sister was more of the tomboy out riding her bike and climbing trees while I was a mostly indoors kind of girl playing with my dolls and reading Nancy Drew books.

What I am trying to say is that everyone has different personalities whether they are AS or not, and it is going to be tough to always find something that all 5 kids agree on.

Since you only see these kids such a short time each month, I would just try my best to make the experiences positive. His mother has the biggest part of the responsibility of raising these kids, and it sounds like she is just going to let them do whatever they want anyway.

Hang in there. I think you will figure it out------

I strongly suggest doing whatever you need to do to get around the mother and get a mandatory neuropsych assessment completed. Even if that means taking her to court or calling family services. The child deserves treatment and as his parent, it is your fiance's responsibility to get around whatever obstacle their is (in this case the mother) to get him what he needs, is entitled to, and deserves. If it takes a year to get around the mother, in the big scheme of things, it is not that long. You are talking about the rest of this kids life. His life could be much easier if he gets proper treatment.

BTW - my 10 year old son who is recently diagnosed PDD-NOS also refuses to go outside. Some of it is sensory, some of it is anxiety, and some of it is because if he went outside he would not be able to do his 'obsessions' (programming and animation). I know it is very difficult and you may feel trapped and like a prisoner at times.

In my case, I am accomodating my son within reason. This is a long term process.

I think since you only have him every other weekend, you should make accomodation around him rather than leave him home alone. There is no reason that you all can't stay home every other weekend.

Good luck, I know it is difficult.

I re-read your post again and wanted to comment on the cat-killer kid.

Yes, this is an urgent situation, for all his kids. If there is one that is trying to kill a cat, and another that is showing odd AS type symptoms, both kids need to be immediately tested for heavy metal poisoning at a minimum. They both need mental health assessments and services.

You need to call family services. Do not minimize the severity of the situation. Something is either wrong w/ these kids or in that woman's household and you cannot sit back and watch this happen to these kids - whether it is biological or environmental.