Stepmom? Honest Advice Please

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I am guessing that you aren't a parent. This is stuff people only say before they have kids. My kids are very important to my husband and myself. Most of our lives revolve around them and their activites. However, to say that as a parent, you fail to progress, have relationships, or any outside interests is juvenile. Our kids complained one night we were going out on a date. No big reason, just because. They love their babysitter, they just wanted us to take them to do something fun that night. We went out anyway. Were we suppose to give into their demands? In your view, the kid runs the household? We became parents, we didn't give up being a person.

I have been a single parent my son's entire life. His dad has chosen to not be involved and hasn't seen him since he was 2. He is now 9 1/2. My son wants nothing more than to have a dad. And it breaks my heart.

I am stuck between wanting to give him that, and having an adult's understanding that relationships often fail. I also recognize that my son gets incredibly attached to people and would not deal well with getting to know someone and having the relationship fall apart. Therefore, the few times that I have been involved with someone, it's been completely separate from my son and he never knew. Which is hard...... and doesn't give a relationship a lot of room to grow.

The thing is... relationships are more than sleeping arrangements.. It's more than sexual gratification. (and I am saying this because of comments made by Louise18 that I'm not going to take the time to go find and quote) A real relationship is about caring, and sharing, support and companionship. Being a parent is hard and stressful. Being a single parent, more so... Being the single parent of an ASD child, even more so. I LOVE my child. I ENJOY my child... but I need more in life than that. I need a partner. But, until I find someone who understands and loves my son as much as I do, it won't happen.

That's why I'm here. I don't have someone to share my burdens and worries. Yes, I can call my mom and laugh with her.. I can even cry with her, but she still doesn't really get it. She doesn't live it every day. She might be concerned about things, but she doesn't share the responsibility of making the right choice. A partner would do that.

So instead, I come here... where at least people get it.

I think a situation where the child ends up with no parental figure of their own gender can be one in which it is beneficial to try and introduce one if it fits with the rest of your family and you can find a suitable partner.

Therein lies the problem. How can I ever know that it will work, without trying? How can I know if it's a fit, without trying? How can I expose someone to know my child, and love my child... without exposing my child to a stranger who might one day no longer be in his life if it doesn't work out?

Real life gets a kick out of sending us all for a loop, doesn't it?

I recommend changing the question.

Do you love his dad? Do you feel some sense of reward in being part of providing this child a better home life? Do you feel that you do help provide him a better home life?

There are no paths in life that aren't covered with stones. They just change size, shape, location and frequency. If you are in a postive relationship with this man and his son then, overall, there is no reason to abandon the road because there are some rocks on it. Face it, switch roads and you might find the rocks to be much worse. Or better. Can't know ... but if you are, overall, happy - then why question it?

I read nothing in your post to sound doom and gloom. You have some normal fears and concerns but there are no situations in which you won't have fears and concerns. They just change color and shape.

I have two kids and love them to death but even I can't deal with having them 24/7 during a school break, and they can't deal with me. So ... we don't. We plan day camps or vacations or visits to grandma. I get busy in March figuring out the summer, because too much down time does us all in.

What you need is a plan for how you are going to make sure your needs get met in this situation. It is OK to plan in some things that are just for YOU. In fact, you NEED to. Every mom does; don't let yourself get caught up in this idealized vision of what kind of mother this child should have because I can guanrantee she does not exist. If you spend your life trying to be her, you'll be miserable.

As for your own future child ... the fear is valid, but you can't live by fear. I spent my entire second pregnancy absolutely convinced the baby would never make it to term. I have no idea where the fear came from, but I knew I had to shove it away. No one knows what they are going to get when they enter parenthood, NO ONE. I lost a huge hunk of my hearing due to a rare side effect; could I ever have predicted that one? Hardly. Still, if you feel your life is complete and full enough without that addition to the family, then you aren't required to add it. Just ... is your life complete and full enough to meet your needs? You do need to work on that a bit right now, getting a better balance for yourself, but I do believe you can acheive it ... if you love your man enough to want to.