autistic kids and discipline

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I would say I was a attention seeker as a kid because I loved to tease. I liked provoking people because I always wanted to see how would people react. I also remember testing things to see what the rules were and to see if they applied to me too. I remember when my teacher didn't tell me and the other kids the rules of the class but yet I over heard her telling the new students the rules and they were the same rules she told the whole class the year before. So to see if those rules applied to me, I tested them by breaking them. Sure enough, there was my answer.


I also remember trying to be sneaky. I got into a ritual where I enjoyed peeing in the playhouse and when mom found out, she told me I couldn't do it anymore. But I still did it and she always yell at me, so I started to sneak it. I would close all the windows and the door in the playhouse and go. I would also wait until she was not in the room or outside before I go. But yet I didn't bother to try and sneak my movie obsessions by watching them when mom made them off limits. Weird eh? But yet in 6th grade I started to sneak it. I was once writing fanfiction and she took it from me so I started on another one. I think that was more due to literal thinking there because she took the one I was working on so I started a new one so I was following her orders technically. She didn't want me writing that story so i did a new one instead.


So I was a typical child in ways. I think I did this because I was aware everyone had feelings but I didn't understand them so I liked testing them and see different reactions. But I still didn't understand their reactions. To me, they were like objects and I knew I could get those objects to show different reactions if I do things. I know at least one other aspie friend who is the same way. A few times she has said stuff to me that was provoking and I get upset and then she laugh and say she was kidding. I think she has great TOM for a severe aspie. She says she goes by analysis, not intuitive.


I hear other kids will break the rules and will break them behind grown ups backs or break them right in front of them just to get into trouble because they want to see how serious the adult is. I never did that. Okay so I would break them too only because they wouldn't tell me why and that is typical in autistic kids. Aspie kids tend to not listen if they don't know the logical reason behind it. Telling me I would get punished would be logical enough for me to listen because I learned as a kid, people have authority over you and you are to listen or you get punished. So I can remember trying to punish other kids for not listening to me. I took it too literal.

I think autistic kids can act out for attention because everyone with it is different. Maybe they did it for the same reason as me. I recall Temple Grandin saying in one of her books she tested boundaries too as a child. I don't remember what her reason was for it.

I think autistic kids can go through the same phases as NT kids with testing boundaries and all but maybe they just do it differently than NT kids. I bet if you try and take something from an autistic kid that was part of their routine, I bet they would try and be sneaky about it too. If an autistic child relies on rules so they know how to act, they might start testing the boundaries just to see what the rules are. They will be looking for a negative reaction to know that is not okay.



I always hated being punished as a child though so that is why I followed rules and couldn't understand why people would break them. But when I see them get broken, I get confused and do it too thinking it was okay. I didn't understand that kids waited when the teachers weren't looking and they were doing it to see how far they can get away with it. I couldn't understand that behavior as a kid. I didn't know where the lines were drawn for when it was okay to break rules. It was either okay or it wasn't. If they don't get punished for breaking a rule, it was okay to do. Back then I thought if you break a rule, you have to get punished for it. Even if it was a mistake. Then I remember getting confused when I wouldn't get punished for breaking a rule. I remember the time we were at music and we all went outside after it ended and I thought it was recess time because kids were outside playing so I went out and played and I wondered where all my class mates were. Someone told me they had gone back to class and when recess had ended, I went back to class and there was everyone. Then when our recess came, I stayed inside because I didn't go back to class like I was supposed to and I already had my recess and it wouldn't have been fair to the whole class that I got four recesses when they only got three. But my teacher didn't punish me and told me I shouldn't punish myself for my mistake and even his students did it last year too and he made me go outside. I just stayed off the playground equipments.

Now today I realize you don't always need to be punished for breaking a rule. Being told no and stop doing that is just a warning. But if the kid keeps doing it, then a punishment should be followed or else the kid will think it's okay to do. But as a kid I saw it differently. I would see that it was okay to do it and then it wasn't anymore and the rule had changed. If I saw a small child doing something and there was no punishment, I would think it was okay to do and then I be confused when I be the one in trouble. But it would suck to be punished big time for breaking a rule unintentionally because you were not aware of it. I would rather be told it's not okay and to not do that again but "ignorance is no excuse" sadly.

Another point on punishment - DS will often beat himself up for a mistake far beyond any punishment we could come up with. We've found that mild punishment for high-stakes things he knows he shouldn't do, but isn't necessarily in control of, actually helps.

I know this is completely counter-intuitive, but when DS would hit or hurt me in the middle of a meltdown, we would punish him by taking away a privilege - for us, he'd lose candy for the day, or one of his two TV shows, or the chance for a playdate. These were relatively small losses for him (it took a lot of tweaking to find exactly the right thing that wasn't too harsh, and yet meant something to him.) This allowed DS to move on from the setback, because otherwise he would spend weeks berating himself, stressing himself out, and sometimes getting worse.

Thus far, this system has worked for us.

I'm so glad I read all this, because it makes A LOT of sense!

My son started with this swearing....so often I tell him to stop, it's not good manners...then he will often react with "but what does that word actually mean"...After I explained it to him, he will sometimes stop using it, but he also is clever enough to use it later, because he knows this upsets me! But after reading all this, I do get the impression that he does this to get my reaction, not really meaning to swear.....

And also, the other kids are allowed to do this without being punished, so he thinks it's ok...he actually tells me this. But he doesn't understand why it's not ok for him to do it.....

This must be very confusing to him!

Asperger's Diary http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary (an excellent blog I follow) linked the following article today that's pertinent to this discussion.

http://jholverstott.wordpress.com/2011/ ... -disorder/