Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son

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Angel_ryan
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06 Dec 2011, 8:24 am

Kail wrote:
This Thread is bloody awful, no offence but who cares about the relationship, both of you as mature adults should be solely focused on the kids future and happiness.

Too many children/ teenagers are left in the dark and alone while parents fight over semantics and non sense arguments.


That's not fair she didn't expect this when she married her husband. She's also putting in her best efforts, once you have kids you'll understand. My little brother is very mean to my parents. He takes his own frustrations out on them and the rest of us. My other aunt was visiting for Christmas last week and I didn't get to see her because I had to stay home to look after him because he selfishly told me he wanted the house all to himself and he even faked a meltdown before we went to leave, as soon as my parents left he started laughing and was back to normal. He called them suckers and I wanted to kill him. I haven't seen my aunt in 3years.



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06 Dec 2011, 9:36 am

My mum scolded me for talking about my special interests. She thought that she was doing it for my own happiness. She only made me miserable and I felt that she really hated me. I haven't spoken to my mum about my special interests since I was 10, because of that. I haven't spoken to my parents about my special interests for nearly 27 years. My mum told me not to talk about my special interests at school when I was in Grade 9, or else the regular kids will bug me about them. I didn't talk to any of my typical peers in high school about anything because of that, because I was afraid that I was going to dive into my special interests. Even to this day, I don't talk to my peers outside of the clubhouse that I go to because I'm that much afraid of them. I was even attacked by a male member of my generation on account of my special interest that I have now, because a Rap song was causing me to have unpleasant flashbacks about my high school years, because a bunch of teenagers were coming into my apartment building at night and some of those kids were at the door the next day, as I was about to go to my clubhouse. One of them said, "I'm a RRRREEeeeeeeettttaaaarrrrddddddd." That Skinhead wannabe raised his voice at me and said, "Now I know how I feel when you want to talk about The Kinks all the time. I've only said two small bloody things about The Kinks to that scum bucket before my supervisor warned me not to talk to him about them. I became scared for my life, because I must not talk to a male NT member of my generation about my current special interest, or else he will use it against me just like the NT boys at my high school except those boys teased me instead of attacking me when I was in Grade 8. I've ended up having a flashback about being scolded by my dad for talking about The Beatles too much for his liking and warned in a nasty way not to talk about them at school, on top of the original flashback that I was having about being verbally bullied by me peers at high school. I was almost worried there for a while that the scum bucket who was in charge that September morning made me hate The Kinks just like my dad turned me against The Beatles. With a bit of anxiety medication and a lot of faith, I went back to being the Kinks Fan that I know I was born to be.

Just my 2 Cents.


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06 Dec 2011, 11:54 am

I just wanted to say that when my daughter is in a really bad regressive period she can be very clingy, aggressive, agitated and tense AND VERY HARD TO LIVE WITH. During those periods I get to where I feel like I can't possibly take any more of it-like my daughter's negativity, etc is just a black cloud that turns my life into turmoil. But I have never once felt like I hated her. Maybe that's the difference between a biological child and a step child-or perhaps it's something different? I know it is VERY hard for me to hve patience with other people's children.

Anyway, your step son needs counseling. Your husband needs some way to mitigate his own sensory issues (ear muffs? a small room/corner or someplace outside he can go to to escape?) BUT the step son needs to find outlets that don't disrupt everyone. I know it sounds stern but can you make a deal with him to go outside when he is feeling tense/agitated? He needs another outlet rather than being clingy. He needs something to pour his energy into.

As for you, you need respite IMMEDIATELY. If you have to leave the house one night a week or go away for a wekend alone you need to do it. Don't worry about the stepson and his father-you can't be in charge and control everything.



ictus75
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06 Dec 2011, 12:16 pm

Kail wrote:
This Thread is bloody awful, no offence but who cares about the relationship, both of you as mature adults should be solely focused on the kids future and happiness.

Too many children/ teenagers are left in the dark and alone while parents fight over semantics and non sense arguments.


A bit harsh and selfish Kail. I think the fact that she's come her looking for help shows that she is focused on "the kid." But, she shouldn't have to sacrifice her marriage for "the kid."

I think the first step is to get everybody to some sort of counselling to try and sort things out, and find some workable ideas to deal with Seth. If he's not on any meds, perhaps he needs something to help even him out as it were.

Best wishes to all 3 of you!


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06 Dec 2011, 12:42 pm

I agree with ictus75. Don't assume that because you've been in counseling before that there is nothing more you can get out of it. For one thing, you said he doesn't even have a diagnosis of ASD yet so how could previous counseling have really worked on his issues if the weren't even identified yet? Give it another go. We have had a lot of success with the occupational therapist our DS sees. He works with DS on social issues as well as sensory issues. I also agree with those that have suggested getting your SS involved in some activities. For us this can be difficult because usually when I ask DS if he wants to do something, his first response is often negative. If I don't make a big deal about his negative reaction but just let him sit and think about it for a few days then bring it up again, he often will have changed his mind and be willing to give something a try. I believe based on my observations of him that it just takes him a little bit to get used to the idea of something new.

I would suggest that you have a family meeting, if you haven't already, and make some agreements about things everyone can do to reduce the others' stress levels. For example, set a time limit for your SS to be in the common living area and a time for him to be in his own room. Maybe the same with your DH? If your SS knows he will get some of his needs filled by being with you guys and you and your DH know you will get some of your needs filled by getting some piece and quiet then everyone might be able to live further away from the edge.

Do some things for yourself too. Take time when you can to follow your own interests or do something to treat yourself. None of us can take care of others when our own buckets are empty.

It may look bleak right now but you can take steps to improve the situation. They may be baby steps especially at first, but try to pick out one positive change you would like to make (getting SS involved in some activities e.g.) and work on that exclusively for a while. You might be amazed at how much difference one little nudge can make in the whole family dynamic!



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06 Dec 2011, 2:30 pm

Step wrote:
nat4200 wrote:
Step wrote:
I'm not a control-freak, but I feel that he needs to learn to respect the adults in his life (his teachers, parents and grandparents) as long as those adults are respectful of him.

This is probably one area in which you can discard the regular child raising advice. If he is an aspie he probably won't respond well to discipline, I'm not saying you can't expect him to behave better, but think of trying to train a "grown up cat" vs a "puppy".


"Grown up cat" vs a "puppy"...that's a great way of looking at it!

This is a *really* tough one for me though, because I don't think any of us enjoys being told what to do and having to acquiesce, especially when we think we're right...I know I hated being told what to do when I was a kid but I'd get my butt kicked...literally, if I didn't!

My husband and I would never, ever hit or spank Seth, but I feel there is something really useful in learning how to bite your tongue, especially when you think the other person is wrong, or a total idiot. Why? Because a whole lot of people have to do that with their bosses on a daily basis in order to keep a job!

I know a woman who had to fire an incredibly smart young AS woman (who had gone to a prestigious college) because she couldn't take direction from her supervisor and was always getting into arguments with her (as well as with customers). Finally they had to fire her.

One of my worst fears is that Seth won't be able to get a job and be independent as an adult. Besides, don't you feel that people need to learn to be respectful and sometimes hold their tongues just to develop friendships and later romantic relationships? Isn't it our job as parents to help our child learn the skills that will help them with jobs and relationships in the future?


Yeah, but life is one step at a time, and based on my experience with my son, there are other steps to come first, before you will find your step son able to absorb such a lesson to anyone's satisfaction.

You are going to have to "sell" your step son on the things you need and want him to do, and "sell" him on why doing (what he sees as) the "wrong" thing at times is the "right" thing. Show him the patterns in past situations, and how they kept him from meeting HIS goals. Then let him experience how a little listening DOES get him to his goals. He is going to have to make a conscious choice, at some point, to "play the game" of how things are done, in order to have the life he wants, or make the choice not to have that life.

He's 11; he is IN puberty. This has to get solved before he hits his 13 year old growth spurt.

I am wondering if a schedule for "together" and "alone" time would help. You all need space to breathe, and your step son maybe can be SOLD on the choice to spend less time in the same room with everyone, in exchange for BETTER time (less fighting) when he is in the same room with everyone. Do you see where I'm headed with that?

I am sorry it is so difficult. 11 was a rough year for us, because school got so hard - middle school here is ALL about organization skills, which was the one thing my son developmentally just did not have. Imagine how it feels to be the smartest kid in class, the "go to" kid with all the answers to all the teacher's questions, and struggle to get a C. That is what it is like for many of our kids, so of course they bring a crappy attitude home.

Is there any way for you or your husband to cut back work hours? I cannot imagine how I could have survived my son's elementary or middle school years if I had been working full time. There was just WAY too much needed from me at home, and I needed my "me" time, too. If there is no "me" time you'll be dead in the water trying to solve this; you need full batteries, not half empty ones.


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DW_a_mom
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06 Dec 2011, 2:42 pm

Kail wrote:
This Thread is bloody awful, no offence but who cares about the relationship, both of you as mature adults should be solely focused on the kids future and happiness.

Too many children/ teenagers are left in the dark and alone while parents fight over semantics and non sense arguments.


"Solely" focused on the kid? That is a recipe for disaster. In a family the needs of EVERY member must be balanced. It is just as wrong to ignore the needs of the parents as it is to ignore the needs of the child. Anyone whose needs are ignored will lose their better self, when that better self is what is needed most to get through the inevitable tough times.


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Step
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06 Dec 2011, 2:51 pm

RedwoodCat wrote:
I am an AS mom with a 13-year-old AS daughter. Things are better now, but when she was 11 and 12 I felt a lot of resentment because I felt like she was ruining my life with all her meltdowns, insults and constant need for attention. Here are some things that got us back on track...

1. We both went to psychiatrists and both got meds to help her symptoms and my anxiety level.

2. I moved to a town where she could be in an excellent special needs classroom. They are like family to her now.

3. I learned to take things one day at a time and not worry about the future, hers or mine, while still being proactive in getting her the professional help she needs.

4. I learned not to take things personally, and just love her no matter what she was doing.

5. I ignore traditional parenting guidelines. I don't try to control her behavior or what she says, because she can't control it, and trying to correct it just makes things worse. When she's in a good mood we talk as fellow Aspies about our concerns.

6. When I need a break, I tell her in a loving way, and retreat to my bedroom for awhile.

I know this situation is different in many ways, but I hope there is something helpful here nonetheless.


Thank you for letting me know what has worked for you and your daughter...

1. We both went to psychiatrists and both got meds to help her symptoms and my anxiety level.

Seth's biological mom was adamantly opposed to medication, the schools were wanting to put Seth on medication since kindergarten and she refused. Now Seth is convinced that their is a conspiracy to get him medicated and has absolutely refused to ever go on medication. I on the other hand, have had to go on anti-depressants but they aren't helping much. I've tried several types as well. Better than not being on them, but not super helpful.

2. I moved to a town where she could be in an excellent special needs classroom. They are like family to her now.

We live in the small community where my husband was born and has lived his whole life. His entire identity is wrapped up in this town. He tried to move to a larger community with his first wife and he couldn't handle it and moved back here. We live on an island, there are no roads in or out of town and travel is insanely expensive so the resources we have here are basically all that is an option for us. Plus, both of our jobs (which are pretty specialized) are here.

3. I learned to take things one day at a time and not worry about the future, hers or mine, while still being proactive in getting her the professional help she needs.

This is a hard one, but I can try!

4. I learned not to take things personally, and just love her no matter what she was doing.

I try not to take things personally. For example, everyday when he leaves for school he says "good bye dad, I love you dad, have a good day at work day"...and he never says goodbye to me. Same thing at night time. Then I realized that it's part of a ritual for him. If he says his goodbye's and then he forgets something and has to come back in the house, he has to say it all over again in exactly that order. Sometimes he'll say it 3 or 4 times before he finally makes it out the door. Once I realized it's a ritual, and not him trying to tell me he doesn't love me, it made me feel a little better.

5. I ignore traditional parenting guidelines. I don't try to control her behavior or what she says, because she can't control it, and trying to correct it just makes things worse. When she's in a good mood we talk as fellow Aspies about our concerns.

It's hard because sometimes it seems like he can control it (if the stakes are high enough) so I feel like he's choosing not to control it because it's easier. Which, I understand that it must be really hard to have to try and alter your natural state all the time, but since he's unwilling to spend any time on his own, I just can't tune out the behaviors. Also, a lot of it is his tone. He will yell using a completely hateful and disrespectful tone of voice and I just can't let him think that treating people that way is OK, especially when we're trying to be nice to him. I don't get angry with him when he wants to talk about his special interest though. I'll usually listen for 10-15 minutes at a time and then as for a little break.

6. When I need a break, I tell her in a loving way, and retreat to my bedroom for awhile.

That's a nice way of going about it! It's probably easier for you in some ways, because you are also an Aspie and can probably understand what she's going through better than I can. I have read everything there is to know about AS, but it's not the same as having AS, and *knowing* what it feels like. In that area, I will always be deficient.

Anyway, thanks again for your very helpful list of what works for you!



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06 Dec 2011, 3:03 pm

Chronos wrote:
Step wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Well I don't suppose the boy ever intended for his mother to die any more than you intended to have kids.

My questions are:

What types of behaviors are causing all of this tension?
Can you move to a larger house?
Is your step son enrolled in any programs for children with AS?
Does the father ever spend quality time with his son?


The behaviors that cause the tension:

- going on and on and on and on and on about his special interest while showing no interest in conversational reciprocity.


This is going to sound a bit cruel, but, you don't really have to pay all that much attention to this. He is likely gets more pleasure out of listening to himself than others listening to him. You might suggest to him that he make a youtube video about his interest so he can go on and on about it in front of a camera to many people.

Step wrote:
- pacing/jumping around in a very small area, jumping up on the furniture, grabbing randomly at our cats (making them hiss) running up to you when you enter the room and standing way too close.


Can you get him a giant trampoline or enroll him in some activity like gymnastics or karate?

Step wrote:
- when he's on his laptop or working with legos or programming, he has to make some kind of noise, he either narrates his thought process including all of his frustrations with whatever he's trying to do...or he makes shooting noises, or high pitch squeaks, or hums or sings the same song over and over and over again on an endless loop...ask him to stop, he'll say "SURE" and start up again 5 seconds later.


I think most children do this to some degree. Can you get him a shed or build him a club house to work on his hobbies in?

Step wrote:
- no matter what my husband or I say, he'll find a way to argue with us. We use logic with him, we're both logical people, but Seth will still find a way to drag a simple request out for 10 minutes by arguing and arguing. I think the arguing more than anything sends my husband and I over the edge. Also, because if you say "I understand what you're saying but I still need you to do what I've asked" he won't quit arguing, then I'll say "I need for you to stop arguing NOW"...and he'll keep arguing, and I'll say "Stop talking immediately" and he'll continue to argue, then I'll start getting louder and louder, telling him to JUST CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND QUIT SAYING WORDS!! !! and it's like he is physically unable to do so, even when he knows there will be a negative consequence to it.


I think a lot of times people with AS "argue" not because they are trying to be right, but because they don't understand. But a lot of the behavior you have highlighted is normal behavior for children and I think adults forget how much energy children can have. It sounds like he really just needs and outlet for this energy. I would really try to get him involved in more social and physical activities. You and your husband might need to involve yourselves in them for a time as well because children with AS frequently need to be lead to engage properly in social activities at first. They will not necessarily engage properly themselves even when placed in a social setting so it's often helpful to prompt them like you would a much younger child.

Step wrote:
Can you move to a larger house?

I should mention that even though our living area is one big room, we have our own bedrooms. He has a nice bedroom with a lot of toys and a big desk for doing his homework and a train layout from when trains were his special interest...and he doesn't want to spend any time in there. He only wants to be where we are, so I don't think a bigger house would help and also, we can't really afford it.


So he is lonely. He might also have some anxiety about being alone since his mother has passed away.

Step wrote:
Is your step son enrolled in any programs for children with AS?

No, because he hasn't been formally diagnosed yet. Everyone has been saying AS since he was 5 years old but my husband refused to have him evaluated. Finally this year he broke down and agreed to it because Seth is having so many problems in school and because his dad sees that he's not able to succeed with things the way they are. So, he's currently being evaluated by a nero-psychologist but I'm 100% sure that AS will be the diagnosis. Even after he is diagnosed, I don't know if there are any special programs for kids with AS in our town. I've been asking for years at the school and they've never mentioned anything like that.


It would be ideal if they were for children with AS, but they don't necessarily have to be. Children with AS also have the potential to do well in clubs focused on their interests.

Step wrote:
Does the father ever spend quality time with his son?

Yes, he is very involved and does spend time going skiing, playing soccer, going to school activities, and just playing legos on the floor with him etc. but he has his limit and what sends my husband over the edge is when he spends so much time and effort trying to make Seth's life better and then all Seth does is whine and complain about everything.


I think I would focus on improving his social and active life and getting him some friends. You might also get him a big brother who is actually around.


These are great suggestions Chronos, thanks for taking the time to answer in such detail. Coincidentally, we just bought him a new laptop for his birthday (he will be 12 soon) and a little digital camera so he can make little movies about his special interest and upload them to YouTube. He is very creative, and I think he will get *a lot* out of doing this!

As for getting him enrolled in Karate, I think that is a great idea. Not only because it would work out some of his excess energy (he NEVER wants to play outside!) but he might also feel a little more confident around school bullies, as he's very small and skinny for his age. I'm not sure if there are courses for kids where we live but I'll look into it. Of course, getting him interested in trying it will be the trick. Usually he shoots things down right away, but maybe if we started off doing it as a family he'd be more willing to try it?

As for getting some friends for him, that is the million dollar objective. Unfortunately, his dad has AS related social awkwardness, and for an NT, I have a lot of social anxiety as well. Neither of us really know how to go about doing this. We've asked Seth if there's another kid at school that he likes, we've offered to take them to the aquatic center together, or to the rock climbing wall or some other fun activity where they wouldn't need to talk a lot...but he can never think of anyone. When we offer to set something up for him, he acts mortified. He says if he asks any kid to do anything, he'll be harassed and humiliated. We desperately want to help him make even one friend, but just do not know how to go about it. Both my husband and I are introverts and though we know a lot of people and are friendly with a lot of people, we're not big at making friends ourselves.

Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts on this, it is very helpful.



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06 Dec 2011, 3:09 pm

liloleme wrote:
He definitely needs an outlet for his pent up energy/anxiety, I agree with chronos, tramp or martial arts, gymastics or even a punching bag (this helps my daughters boyfriend who we have realized in the last few years that he has AS). The punching bag may help your husband as well. I know that if I were to die my kids would be completely lost. Because of my bone disease (my mainly bed bound) I feel very useless to my husband sometimes but he always tells me that without me he would not know what to do with the kids (we have an aspe and an autie).
I know its hard to be a step parent to special needs kids. My husband struggled with my children, I had three when he first married me....one bi polar, one typical girl going through puberty and one young hyper little aspie girl. You are definitely not a bad person to be honest. No one can help if you are not.


Sorry to hear about your condition liloleme. I have a degenerative autoimmune problem as well. I didn't have many problems with it before Seth moved in with us, but I think the added stress of my home life has exacerbated the condition so on top of everything, I'm dealing with chronic pain and sometimes mobility issues. As you know, it's often hard just getting through the day! My husband says the same thing to me "I don't know what I'd do without you"...and it's not lip service, I think he realizes he would be in a bad place trying to deal with this situation on his own. Like tonight, Seth has a concert at the school and my husband can't make it so I will need to get him there early and stay for the performance, even though I'm having a really hard day physically today myself. Anyway, it's just nice to have others understand how hard it can be. I will definitely look into the martial arts/punching bag idea! I hope things are better for you now!



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06 Dec 2011, 3:12 pm

Angel_ryan wrote:
Kail wrote:
This Thread is bloody awful, no offence but who cares about the relationship, both of you as mature adults should be solely focused on the kids future and happiness.

Too many children/ teenagers are left in the dark and alone while parents fight over semantics and non sense arguments.


That's not fair she didn't expect this when she married her husband. She's also putting in her best efforts, once you have kids you'll understand. My little brother is very mean to my parents. He takes his own frustrations out on them and the rest of us. My other aunt was visiting for Christmas last week and I didn't get to see her because I had to stay home to look after him because he selfishly told me he wanted the house all to himself and he even faked a meltdown before we went to leave, as soon as my parents left he started laughing and was back to normal. He called them suckers and I wanted to kill him. I haven't seen my aunt in 3years.


Thanks trying to be understanding Angel_ryan! I hope you will get to see your aunt again soon.



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06 Dec 2011, 3:32 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
My mum scolded me for talking about my special interests. She thought that she was doing it for my own happiness. She only made me miserable and I felt that she really hated me. I haven't spoken to my mum about my special interests since I was 10, because of that. I haven't spoken to my parents about my special interests for nearly 27 years. My mum told me not to talk about my special interests at school when I was in Grade 9, or else the regular kids will bug me about them. I didn't talk to any of my typical peers in high school about anything because of that, because I was afraid that I was going to dive into my special interests. Even to this day, I don't talk to my peers outside of the clubhouse that I go to because I'm that much afraid of them. I was even attacked by a male member of my generation on account of my special interest that I have now, because a Rap song was causing me to have unpleasant flashbacks about my high school years, because a bunch of teenagers were coming into my apartment building at night and some of those kids were at the door the next day, as I was about to go to my clubhouse. One of them said, "I'm a RRRREEeeeeeeettttaaaarrrrddddddd." That Skinhead wannabe raised his voice at me and said, "Now I know how I feel when you want to talk about The Kinks all the time. I've only said two small bloody things about The Kinks to that scum bucket before my supervisor warned me not to talk to him about them. I became scared for my life, because I must not talk to a male NT member of my generation about my current special interest, or else he will use it against me just like the NT boys at my high school except those boys teased me instead of attacking me when I was in Grade 8. I've ended up having a flashback about being scolded by my dad for talking about The Beatles too much for his liking and warned in a nasty way not to talk about them at school, on top of the original flashback that I was having about being verbally bullied by me peers at high school. I was almost worried there for a while that the scum bucket who was in charge that September morning made me hate The Kinks just like my dad turned me against The Beatles. With a bit of anxiety medication and a lot of faith, I went back to being the Kinks Fan that I know I was born to be.

Just my 2 Cents.


I'm really sorry that you were made to feel that way about your special interest CockneyRebel. Also, that you had to be worried for your physical safety because of those creeps. I think your dad may have been trying to help you fit in by telling you not to talk about them, even though it sounds like it made you feel horrid and probably rejected.

When Seth was only 6, his special interest was vacuum cleaners. He was an expert on them, and could even take them apart and put them back together again. He would go on and on and on about different makes and models and how they worked etc. and it bored everyone (especially other kids who had no idea what he was going on about) to tears! Then it was trains from about age 7-9...and it was the same thing, he knew absolutely everything there was to know about trains. There are no trains here and kids aren't into them so it was just kind of alienating for him. We took him to another city that had a train and Seth knew more about the history of the train we were on and how it operated, than the conductor did.

Then for the past couple of years his special interest has been Star Wars, including Lego Star Wars and Wii Star Wars games. There are more kids who at least know what Star Wars is, and know who and what he's talking about when he brings it up so it's more socially acceptable.

The only reason why we care *at all* if his special interest is socially acceptable is because Seth wants friends and can't seem to make any. He acts like he doesn't care, but really I know that he does. No parent wants to see their child rejected and bullied. Not because of any reflection on us, but because you want to protect them from having their feelings (or their bodies!) hurt!

Neither my husband nor I have ever discouraged him in his special interests. We always buy him books, toys, video games, etc. about what ever he is into and try to listen to him about it as much as our thresholds will allow. However, he asks me almost daily, what my favorite Star Wars movie is. And I've told him over and over again (Episode V, Empire Strikes Back) but that doesn't keep him from asking me. And he goes on about details, like why certain droids were designed the way they were, that might be interesting the first 10 times you hear about it, but after awhile, I just get tired of hearing about Star Wars. Especially since I feel like some times he's only baiting me so he can correct some misconception I have about the Star Wars Universe. However, I see how his face lights up when he's talking about it so I try to let him talk about it for some period of time every day, even when I'm not in the mood.

Eventually though, I have to take a break from it. I mean, how interested are you when someone tries to talk to you for hours about something you're not interested in?



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06 Dec 2011, 3:39 pm

Mama_to_Grace wrote:
I just wanted to say that when my daughter is in a really bad regressive period she can be very clingy, aggressive, agitated and tense AND VERY HARD TO LIVE WITH. During those periods I get to where I feel like I can't possibly take any more of it-like my daughter's negativity, etc is just a black cloud that turns my life into turmoil. But I have never once felt like I hated her. Maybe that's the difference between a biological child and a step child-or perhaps it's something different? I know it is VERY hard for me to hve patience with other people's children.

Anyway, your step son needs counseling. Your husband needs some way to mitigate his own sensory issues (ear muffs? a small room/corner or someplace outside he can go to to escape?) BUT the step son needs to find outlets that don't disrupt everyone. I know it sounds stern but can you make a deal with him to go outside when he is feeling tense/agitated? He needs another outlet rather than being clingy. He needs something to pour his energy into.

As for you, you need respite IMMEDIATELY. If you have to leave the house one night a week or go away for a weekend alone you need to do it. Don't worry about the stepson and his father-you can't be in charge and control everything.


Thanks Mama_to_Grace! You know, my husband has several outlets outside of work (he plays soccer a couple times a week and has an evening class) but I don't. I think if I found something to do that would give me a regular night off, we'd probably all be better off. And I agree with you about the difference between being a biological mom and a step-mom. I don't have those same unconditional love genes that my husband has, and I can't really control how I feel, though I do try extremely hard to control my attitude. I do have a lot of empathy for Seth and what he's been through.

As for ear muffs, we all already where headphones but I can still hear Seth through the headphones because he is usually sitting about 10 feet from me at all times. It's like pulling teeth to try and get him to go outside and play, even when he's bouncing off the walls. Anytime we ask him if he'd like to go somewhere else, he takes it as a personal rejection. Someone else suggested karate or some other form of martial arts, and I'm going to look into that as a possible outlet for him. His special interest is Star Wars so maybe if I can tie it in to that somehow, call it Jedi training! :)

Anyway, I agree that he needs more counseling, and that is in the works. Anyway, thanks for your suggestions and your understanding!



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06 Dec 2011, 3:42 pm

ictus75 wrote:
Kail wrote:
This Thread is bloody awful, no offence but who cares about the relationship, both of you as mature adults should be solely focused on the kids future and happiness.

Too many children/ teenagers are left in the dark and alone while parents fight over semantics and non sense arguments.


A bit harsh and selfish Kail. I think the fact that she's come her looking for help shows that she is focused on "the kid." But, she shouldn't have to sacrifice her marriage for "the kid."

I think the first step is to get everybody to some sort of counselling to try and sort things out, and find some workable ideas to deal with Seth. If he's not on any meds, perhaps he needs something to help even him out as it were.

Best wishes to all 3 of you!


Thanks ictus75, Seth has refused medication and counseling, though we are going to take him back to a new counselor anyway because he's going to be formally evaluated. I say formally because he's already been to 3-4 psychiatrist and they've all said he has AS even without the formal testing but my husband didn't want him to have a label so refused to let him get a diagnosis. He has come to the decision on his own that a diagnosis will be best for Seth so hopefully that will lead to something positive.

Thanks again!



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06 Dec 2011, 3:50 pm

Bombaloo wrote:
I agree with ictus75. Don't assume that because you've been in counseling before that there is nothing more you can get out of it. For one thing, you said he doesn't even have a diagnosis of ASD yet so how could previous counseling have really worked on his issues if the weren't even identified yet? Give it another go. We have had a lot of success with the occupational therapist our DS sees. He works with DS on social issues as well as sensory issues. I also agree with those that have suggested getting your SS involved in some activities. For us this can be difficult because usually when I ask DS if he wants to do something, his first response is often negative. If I don't make a big deal about his negative reaction but just let him sit and think about it for a few days then bring it up again, he often will have changed his mind and be willing to give something a try. I believe based on my observations of him that it just takes him a little bit to get used to the idea of something new.

I would suggest that you have a family meeting, if you haven't already, and make some agreements about things everyone can do to reduce the others' stress levels. For example, set a time limit for your SS to be in the common living area and a time for him to be in his own room. Maybe the same with your DH? If your SS knows he will get some of his needs filled by being with you guys and you and your DH know you will get some of your needs filled by getting some piece and quiet then everyone might be able to live further away from the edge.

Do some things for yourself too. Take time when you can to follow your own interests or do something to treat yourself. None of us can take care of others when our own buckets are empty.

It may look bleak right now but you can take steps to improve the situation. They may be baby steps especially at first, but try to pick out one positive change you would like to make (getting SS involved in some activities e.g.) and work on that exclusively for a while. You might be amazed at how much difference one little nudge can make in the whole family dynamic!


Thanks Bombaloo. I should clarify that Seth doesn't have a formal diagnosis, but we have been operating under the understanding that he has AS since he was 6 years old. Seth's dad did not want to accept that there was anything "wrong" with him. He'd say "I was just like that at his age" not realizing that he is also textbook AS. It has been a long process getting my husband to accept that there is a benefit to a formal diagnosis. That there will be tools available to get Seth extra help to make him more successful at school and at home. I have tried strategies from various parenting books for children with AS, since Seth was first in my life. It's still so hard!

We do have family meetings and we do try to approach things from the perspective of "see how this will ultimately benefit you!??" I think most kids are self-centered and more willing to buy into something if they see that it will help them get what they want.

One thing we are working on as a family is keeping the house clean. My husband and I both work 40+ hours a week and the house gets messy because no one picks up after themselves and I end up working another 15 hours a week as the family cook/maid. I've tried to show them how much better it is for all of us if we take a few seconds to put our dish in the dishwasher or put food away after we get it out of the fridge...basic stuff like that. I think both my husband and step-son are less anxious when the house is really clean but that has been such a challenge for me without any help. Right now we are really focusing some effort on that.

Anyway, thanks for your positive outlook, I am starting to feel more able to tack this!



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06 Dec 2011, 3:55 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Step wrote:
nat4200 wrote:
Step wrote:
I'm not a control-freak, but I feel that he needs to learn to respect the adults in his life (his teachers, parents and grandparents) as long as those adults are respectful of him.

This is probably one area in which you can discard the regular child raising advice. If he is an aspie he probably won't respond well to discipline, I'm not saying you can't expect him to behave better, but think of trying to train a "grown up cat" vs a "puppy".


"Grown up cat" vs a "puppy"...that's a great way of looking at it!

This is a *really* tough one for me though, because I don't think any of us enjoys being told what to do and having to acquiesce, especially when we think we're right...I know I hated being told what to do when I was a kid but I'd get my butt kicked...literally, if I didn't!

My husband and I would never, ever hit or spank Seth, but I feel there is something really useful in learning how to bite your tongue, especially when you think the other person is wrong, or a total idiot. Why? Because a whole lot of people have to do that with their bosses on a daily basis in order to keep a job!

I know a woman who had to fire an incredibly smart young AS woman (who had gone to a prestigious college) because she couldn't take direction from her supervisor and was always getting into arguments with her (as well as with customers). Finally they had to fire her.

One of my worst fears is that Seth won't be able to get a job and be independent as an adult. Besides, don't you feel that people need to learn to be respectful and sometimes hold their tongues just to develop friendships and later romantic relationships? Isn't it our job as parents to help our child learn the skills that will help them with jobs and relationships in the future?


Yeah, but life is one step at a time, and based on my experience with my son, there are other steps to come first, before you will find your step son able to absorb such a lesson to anyone's satisfaction.

You are going to have to "sell" your step son on the things you need and want him to do, and "sell" him on why doing (what he sees as) the "wrong" thing at times is the "right" thing. Show him the patterns in past situations, and how they kept him from meeting HIS goals. Then let him experience how a little listening DOES get him to his goals. He is going to have to make a conscious choice, at some point, to "play the game" of how things are done, in order to have the life he wants, or make the choice not to have that life.

He's 11; he is IN puberty. This has to get solved before he hits his 13 year old growth spurt.

I am wondering if a schedule for "together" and "alone" time would help. You all need space to breathe, and your step son maybe can be SOLD on the choice to spend less time in the same room with everyone, in exchange for BETTER time (less fighting) when he is in the same room with everyone. Do you see where I'm headed with that?

I am sorry it is so difficult. 11 was a rough year for us, because school got so hard - middle school here is ALL about organization skills, which was the one thing my son developmentally just did not have. Imagine how it feels to be the smartest kid in class, the "go to" kid with all the answers to all the teacher's questions, and struggle to get a C. That is what it is like for many of our kids, so of course they bring a crappy attitude home.

Is there any way for you or your husband to cut back work hours? I cannot imagine how I could have survived my son's elementary or middle school years if I had been working full time. There was just WAY too much needed from me at home, and I needed my "me" time, too. If there is no "me" time you'll be dead in the water trying to solve this; you need full batteries, not half empty ones.


I was just telling Bombaloo, that I do try to sell Seth on the things we need him to do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but I'll keep trying.

As for cutting back on hours, neither of us can do that. I'm a director and just there's no way to get everything done in 40 hours a week, let alone fewer than 40 hours. My husband's job should actually be 2 or 3 people's jobs. I think his organization takes advantage of his willingness to please and he's on call 24 hours as well. We really depend on both incomes in order to pay for our mortgage and doctor bills etc. I would LOVE to cut back on my hours though!

I am also an artist and I used to have one or two solo exhibits every year but that has gotten nearly impossible. When I don't have time to paint I feel like my soul dies, and yet there just isn't time for "me" anymore. Maybe we need to work on a way for that to happen, I just don't know how. Just getting him through his homework every night is a nearly herculean task for us.

Thanks for your suggestions though, they are very helpful and appreciated.