Do NT parents really hate their Aspie Children?

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BuyerBeware is right. Remember though it is true for parents of NT's too. Every parent gets frustrated, but it is up to the parent to handle it so that the child still feels loved and valued.

It is not your fault.

I have not read the other posts in this thread, only the OP, but will say this. NO, I do not despise my son. On the contrary, I love him fiercely as one would a child whose health and delays give rise to constant concerns. I am very protective of him and will do ANYTHING for him. ANYTHING,

I did not start out this way. In fact, I often feel that I MAY have played a huge part in his delays because I did not spend as much time as I should have with him when he was a baby and a toddler. I wasn't really the mothering type and never took any babysitting jobs as a teen because I didn't really care much for children. I was nice to all kids but could not really spend too much time in their company.

Now, I spend 80% of my time with him exclusively, 20% of time with my NT, and there are times we have Sibling dates. So, no, NT parents & siblings do not hate their autistic kids. Au contraire, we love them very much, indeed.

My parents have been far more accepting of me SINCE me diagnosis because they understand now why I do/did the things I do/did. I can't imagine anyone hating their children because they are on the spectrum or for any other reason..

There is a theory that isolated children (Children who are locked up and kept from any contact with the outside world by their parents, and usually deprived of food, affection, toys and even language) are actually autistic children that the parents had a failure in bonding with. The families often have other siblings that are treated more or less normally. It's a tough theory to prove though, after years of abuse and neglect, the children would have tremendous social and developmental difficulties born NT or not.

I know my mom loves me, but in many ways failed at parenting, but she does indeed love me. My father I'm unsure of, really. It seems my father thinks of me as too much of a screwup. My father and I spent a lot of time together when I was younger, but his ideas and my mothers were different, and the family was divided between me and my father and my two sisters and my mother. But I eventually ended up siding with my mom, and my dad basically did seem to stop loving me after that. We got along better a few years after the divorce, but I got in legal trouble and after that he seems to pretty much wanna be as distant as possible to me. I don't know how he truly "feels" one way or the other, but yeah. I failed to live up to his visions.

I feel like one of the reasons I lift weights is because he did, and I wanna beat his lifts. I don't know if it's out of wanting to prove I'm better than my father, or if by beating him I'd make him proud of me for once.

One thing that shocked me reading like, an ASD partner support group, a woman talked about how she hoped her son didn't date, because he'd end up breaking a girl's heart like his father did. That really hit me hard, as my mother and sisters always (usually negatively) compared me to my father.

Any parent who locks up their child in the manner you describe above has a serious mental problem which has nothing to do with their child.

My friend has an Aspie son and..that he tolerates the child would be a nice way of putting it.

Didn't say that the parents didn't have a screw loose. But add a mentally ill parent with an autistic child and bad things often happen.

I have AS traits and am probably on the spectrum. DD5 is dxed AS. I love her to death. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel there was a huge chasm between us. I don't understand her most of the time. This leads to periods of great frustration on both our parts. We just don't speak the same language and have extreme failures in communication. That said even though I can identify with her, our "Brands" are different. She is Dr Pepper and I am Mr Pibb while everyone else is Coke. It's ok though. I love her just the same and always will.

Although I don't believe my dad hates me, he sure does act like it sometimes (hense why i find family gatherings uncomfortable. I no longer live with him. I moved out at age 21 due to a lengthy waiting list i was on since age 18) according to several family members, he's never understood me and treated me like crap.
I'm also infertile (not entirely my choice. He basically coerced me into getting a procedure back in 2008 which the events have resulted in depression and resentment on my end since i felt betrayed. He also wanted me to keep this a secret which i managed to for 2 years but i couldn't anymore because the guilt was setting in so in 2010, i told my mom and her family (who were not pleased with what happened). 3 years later, my dad and i get into a fight over the phone about said guilt and he acts like it's my fault! I hate that!
This is why i want to get the procedure reversed or use some other method to still have children because I know I would never treat my own kids the way my dad has treated me.

I've had a rocky relationship with my mum. She doesn't hate me - I've always known that - but I do think that she struggled to come to terms with my diagnosis and how it would inevitably affect my life. She has also been and continues to be at times frustrated that I don't 'get' things like my NT siblings do. She's had to parent me differently to them and she found it challenging. I'd imagine a lot of parents of AS children go through the same sort of thing.

Mum used to meet up with a group of other parents of AS kids from my school and they would share the challenges they faced with their kids. I sat in on a few of these meetings, I saw a lot of frustration but I got the sense that they all loved their kids and we're trying to do the best for them.

A bit off-topic, but as someone with BPD tendencies, I'm glad you know the difference between hating someone and having BPD target that person. I don't hate my parents, even though I periodically scream terrible hurtful things at them. In fact, if I didn't love them so much, I wouldn't act this way around them. It's actually kind of a backhanded compliment to be a BPD person's target person - it means you're one of the people they most value in their life.



Ironic, how people can end up caring more about other people's opinions than about the divine consequences they believe exist for their behaviour. Reminds me of some of the Mennonites my parents have told me about.

It sounds like your mom has issues of her own.

I butt heads with my mom a LOT growing up. She was always making rules that I felt were ridiculous. In my teenage years it felt like she tried to make me grow up too fast and conform to certain societal standards. She was always concerned with how people would judge her based on her kids. I think a lot of it was just normal teenage/parent strain though. As an adult she could see potential pitfalls and wanted me to avoid making mistakes, but instead of explaining things rationally like my dad, she just made rules and pulled the "because I said so" card. I grew up, moved out, and things got a lot less stressful. Part of it was because I saw she was right about some things and part of it was her finally respecting me as an adult I guess. We get along fine now. We're actually a lot alike in personality which is probably why we clashed so much- we each wanted things to be "just so." I never felt like she didn't like me though. She was just irritated a lot.

I feel like I'm actually having the same problem now with my own daughter. We're very similar. Both stubborn. Both think they're right all the time. She's five and wants to be treated like an adult. I actually have an easier time with my ASD son because he's very happy-go-lucky.

I think the difference in communication styles can be too much for some people. But that happens whether you have Aspie kids or not. I don't know if you're familiar with MBTI at all, but parents will have vastly different styles of parenting depending on their personality. Some will naturally get along easier with their kids. Some won't. It doesn't mean there's hate.

Most parents of autistic people really don't hate their autistic children, but they seem to do have a lot of difficulty relating to them. Not all of them, but many do, even after their autistic kid(s) have reached adulthood.

Theres so much misunderstanding here, especially when they see their own autistic child struggle with life. They don't understand their autistic kid of siblings and vice versa and this can be extremely frustrating to all the ones involved.

I've read about parents murdering their own childdren because their children are autistic (does this happen the other way around btw?), but personally I think those are exceptions.

People should get edicated and I fear the present views of autism still need lots of adjustment before this knowledge becomes applicable, because at this time people try to understand eachother based on the wrong assumptions. People know that applying their current knowledge about autism (which is often though by the people that should be the experts in this field) simply isn't working, especially when their kid is high-functioning.

As an ASD parent I've been to a few of these myself. I've seen nothing but love. These parents get frustrated, sure, but they are also fiercely protective. One dad said he'd kicked numerous therapists out of his home before he found one that was right for his daughter. Others shared horror stories of inclusion teachers ignoring IEPs and basically pretending like their children weren't part of the class. One woman was asking around to see if anyone else had a completely nonverbal kid. Her daughter was seven, autistic, and could not communicate in any way. Everyone else's child could communicate somehow- sign, PECS, iPad, etc. She felt at a loss because there was no way to ask what her daughter needed. It wasn't a matter of "gee I wish I could have a conversation with my kid." It was "I don't know what she wants and she can't tell me!"

It may be more difficult for Aspie kids without a diagnosis. Their parents (and others) may think they're NT and expect too much of them. Stuff that isn't a big deal to most people can be overwhelming or difficult for us.

This goes both ways I believe.