Really need some advice

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Notice is required. If you signed a contract, it would specify. Most places I used said 1 month. Since it has only been 7 weeks, you might be able to go with something shorter.

I think the tactful way to approach it is to say how thrilled you've been for her help, it came at such a perfect time, but now that you are in a better space you want to re-think your choices, and would like to see how it goes being a full time mom again. Basically anything you can find to hang your hat on that has enough truth in it that you can say it without feeling like you are lying. Keep it really open ended, make yourself sound wishy washy if you have to ("it's not you, it's me") and emphasize how much of a lifesaver she was for that moment in time, and regardless of anything else, you'll always be grateful. Because you will. Regardless of the safety concerns, she was there for you and your family when you needed her to be, and now you are in a better place to make even better choices going forward.

Although ... momsparky has a good point and approach, too (just saw it after sending this one). Use your judgement.

I found all these decisions to be so difficult. They are for most moms. And, the thing is: professional child care providers know that. She SHOULD understand. If she doesn't, well, then, you'll know for 200% that you made the right choice moving your child.

I think simply discontinuing/removing would be a sure way to burn bridges. She has to see this woman around town. Childcare services monitor their spaces and depend on the recurring income. Even if there is no legal contract forcing notice, giving notice would be the industry standard and the right thing to do.

Yeah, I kinda think it might be abrupt. But better abrupt then leaving child with possibly disgruntled service provider. It doesn't sound necessary in this particular case, but better safe then sorry when it comes to your kid, always, is my approach.

You also don't have to leave your child there. Notice is about the dollars coming in - you can say that you want to be a SAHM or whatever, and offer to pay up front for whatever you think is reasonable (or whatever you agreed to in the fine print) to help her fill the void until her next placement.

Thanks again, everyone. I kept my explanation pretty vague and I made sure to mention that my son has started biting (which is true) and I was afraid that he would bite one of the kids (also true). She didn't seem to feel that biting was a big deal, which kind of served as a confirmation that her safety standards are not the same as mine are. She didn't ask for any money, but I paid her for the next two weeks because I felt it was the right thing to do - and I'm glad that I did because immediately after all of this took place, I found out that I'll be seeing her every other week for the next 6+ months. Phew.

Unfortunately for me, I'm right back where I started - going crazy. At least my son is safe though.

Could you find a kind middle-school or high-school student to come by in the afternoons and be a "mother's helper?" If what you really need is somebody to keep your child occupied for three hours, you might find that is easier and works better for you - plus, you can watch and see how it goes to figure out if you're comfortable leaving to run errands after a while.

It's not necessary to find someone with SPED experience for babysitting a special-needs child, just as long as everybody knows the drill and knows what to do, and whoever you find is willing to learn (for instance, I would mention the biting and what to do about it.) In fact, you might find something even better, because the teenagers who are really good with kids don't come with all the preconceived notions about how to do things that specialists do...and as long as they're willing to follow the rules, that can be a good thing.

Yeah, I think that this is the direction I want to go in. The reason that I didn't do this in the first place was that my son had literally no social contact with children (play groups didn't work out too well), however, it looks like we're going to be able to get into a play group that's run by an OT for special needs children, so that'll take care of that problem.

I wouldn't put much emphasis on social contact with other children for another 6-12 months. Parallel play doesn't develop in NT kids until between age 2-3 -- in an ASD kid it's likely to be even further delayed. My son had weekly playgroup time from 3 months on, and 6-9 hours of preschool from 28 months, and I really don't feel it helped his social development at all. My twin NT daughters, who had each other for constant companions, didn't begin to parallel play until around 24 months.

There definately are differences in how people perceive dangers, risks and what they do as far as safety precautions go. And in some cases with high risk tolerant people they really don't get what low risk people are concerned about. Its not like they are purposely ignorring a danger, but that they do not preceive it as a significant danger in the first place. The person you are dealing with sounds like that. The whole licencing process is intended among other reasons to have a third person observer come in and insure certain physical safety standards are met and that the provider is informed of procedural safety. In general a person being an unlicenced provider of services is a warning bell and often something is not right.

As far as going crazy, it would be helpful to know what it is about the boy that is causing the problems. It would be easier to come up with specific suggestions. Most boys, NTs included are a handful at times, but during childhood it is an ever changing scenerio as they grow. There usually are challenges, but they are different challenges at different times, and in a broad sense get easier as they age, until later adolescence with is a different subject.

I am glad you chose to take him out. That is a lot of young kids for one person and no back up for bathroom breaks, etc. That is a huge red flag to me and would worry me.

Some other ideas to get some help cheaply. Look for a Mother's helper. You would still have your son at home with you, but you could have someone help and give you a break. When I was pregnant with my triplets, we had a couple of girls that were home schooled alternate days and come in half days to help me with my older boys. They were only 12, but they were very responsible and still young enough to enjoy playing with them. Since I was home, I felt fine with their age and I had someone to chase them around while I couldn't and help me with some of their upkeep. Plus, it was great way to train my babysitters for later.

Later, I joined a gym. With the family membership, I could have up to 2 whole hours of nursery time to work out, swim, even eat at the gym in peace.

LOL, I think I've said this before here - I am NOT a workout kind of person, but I joined the Y...telling people (without realizing the irony) that it was just so I could take a shower "by myself."

The main problem at this point is the constant (and I do mean constant) whining. For most people, this would be annoying, but for me it's a trigger and throws me into a melt-down. This is by far my worst sensory trigger (in fact, it caused me to get diagnosed), and he does it all day long. On top of that, he's also started howling when he's not whining, which is also difficult for me to take. I do try to manage this with hearing protection, but that's only so helpful. I think that the root of the whining is the lack of communication ability. My son has yet to communicate a single need to me, and shows no signs of doing so any time soon. He doesn't even seem aware of his needs until they become unbearably uncomfortable for him, at which point he'll throw a tantrum (for example, he won't seem to notice a poopy diaper and would sit in it until he got a rash if I let him). I spend all day every day trying to figure out what he's whining for, offering sippy cups, snacks, play time, etc. until I guess correctly and quiet him down for a little while. His therapists are teaching him sign language, and he is signing, but not to communicate.

Of course, there are other issues as well, such as tearing apart the house. I've mostly been able to take care of this (for now) by extra child proofing the and limiting his access to rooms. The rooms he's allowed in are basically empty with the exception of his toys. He's starting to climb though, so I'll have to bolt the furniture to the walls now.

Also, I think that he's very bored. I dread taking him out because he's so difficult for me to manage in public. He's good at the park, but we live up north where it is very cold much of the time, so we can only do that for so long.

I just don't know what else to try. We already have a very very structured schedule. This includes meals (of course), snacks, reading, therapy, sensory diet every 2 hours, music time, nap time, etc. The schedule helps slightly, and I've noticed that it helps him to nap much better.

I'm willing to try just about anything, so please feel free to offer any suggestions that you can think of. Thanks.

hahaha, maybe I'll join the Y too. They just built one that's not too far away from me, so it's an option now.

That is a complicated problem & I can now see why it is so difficult. It also sounds like you are right on top of it doing a great job under the circumstances. I suppose the most important thing is thinking in terms of this being the task you have been given, to try and raise a child with disabilities. Of the top of my head I only have a few suggestions, but will add any I can think of after considering the situation.

For communication experimenting

Flash cards with pictures of things, or activities, either purchased of make your own.

Some examples:

Picture of bottle (if that is what you use)
Pictures of the foods he gets
Pictures of his toys (or types of toys)
Picture of a diaper
Picture of his crib

If you can show him the cards when you use the item or do an activity and try to make a connection, perhaps he would be able to pick out what he wants by showing him the cards, etc.

Some toy ideas

Some kids enjoy toys where there are a lot of pieces and they can do impromtu sorting or arranging. The toy doesn't have to be designed for it, just contain lots of safe pieces of different sizes and shapes or types. The more pieces the better often as they can take more time to play with and keep him busy longer. This may be more for when he is a little older like 2 and on.

Some examples:

Lincoln logs
Duplos (large size legos)
Small Rubber cars, trains, planes and a playmat (a few companies make these, source: mainly specialty shops or online)
Safe vehicles of any type, but with actions, like trucks, construction vehicles, and preferrably parts to put in them, you can make your own like cut up sections of cardboard tube, ping pong balls, whatever.
Blocks

The situation with sounds.

Normally kids cry or whine for attention. It can be they want or need something (ie. hungry) or just want attention, or to be entertained. Once you have surveyed the situation and eliminated, diaper, food, etc, then try not to react to further whining or howling. Its a hard situation, because giving them attention will quiet them for a while, but also trains them that this is how they get what they want, and at that age all kids are basically totally self-centered, and want all they can get.

So while whineing or crying will get him a brief safety and needs 'checkup', if possible try to make his quiet behavior be what leads to rewards in the form of your attention or things.

When he is whining/crying for no apparent reason other then boredom, its ok to put him in a crib or playpen in a different room, door closed for reasonable period. Besides some ear protection, have you tried some light backround music (I usually used the classical station) as a sort of white noise to help damper the effect.

In addition to the great suggestions made, I would add music...I used classical music..nothing fancy but just something that can be soothing. Also, just plain boxes of different sizes...they can be used to crawl in, build with, put toys in, take toys out. My grandson also needed extra blankets to sleep under...He uses six quilts to get a good rest. Just food for thought.

Lady Katie - I just want to let you know that with both my boys (NT&AS) the ages between 1-2 were the hardest. Before they had communication but after they were aware and could walk...life was hard!

There was no sitting for me ever. Leaving the house was a nightmare. I wouldn't even go to family holidays, I hosted (which was hard but easier than chasing the entire time.

Our childproofing was pretty extreme, and we had an area gated off that was really safe. They still would get hurt sometimes but it was better than being in other places. In addition, this is the age that my boys wore harnesses (leashes) when we went out. They wanted to walk on their own, but would dart in front of a car if I let them. Rather than squashing their desire to walk, I endured the nasty and judgmental looks from people who had never walked in my shoes.

It gets better. I promise!

OH there are a couple of behavior mods you can use now.... When he isn't whining give him lots of attention. When he is whining, check for his needs, then turn your back.

Also, if he's hitting, we used to say. You hit, you sit - and would sit him down wherever he was if he hit. This was post walking but pre verbal. It took a while (longer for the AS kid) BUT worked.