Meltdown Screaming & Neighbours

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Kailuamom
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06 Dec 2012, 4:14 pm

whirlingmind wrote:

How do you deal with this situation?

I just want to point out that you asked the question. It was a pretty unanimous answer, so that's the deal. That's how you deal with this situation. I get how little you like the answer, and actually agree with you. Let me tell you, figuring out how to deal with these people will help for the future. The issue won't go away, it may change a bit with different neighbors.

I can say that until I had a kid with loud and scary meltdowns "being neighborly" was really different. Now, we are judged, people are standoffish and the kids don't play with my kid. It has been very hurtful. Had I figured this stuff out sooner, it would have been so much easier on DS and me. We are now moving to a house on 5 acres where he can melt his brains out and no one will really be able to hear. DS is almost 13, meltdowns are really rare now....but when they happen, it isn't pretty. I'm really sick of the judgements and will be thrilled to not deal with them.

whirlingmind
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06 Dec 2012, 4:47 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:

So you don't want to write them a letter to express what's going on, but you expect them to come up and confront, in their mind, a potential criminal and child abuser? If I suspect child abuse, and I confront the people, they might move and take the kid away to where I don't know the address to get the authorities involved.

Like Oliveoilmom said, I get that you are mad at then, but it's misplaced anger. They didn't do anything wrong. They thought your child was in danger and did what anyone should do in that situation. They had no way of knowing what was happening. They had no way of knowing if it was autism, a temper tantrum or child abuse. If it occurs a lot, it's not unreasonable for them to suspect child abuse. It turns out you weren't doing anything wrong either. I don't have kids, and I've never had CPS called, so I can't fully understand how you feel, combined with all the stress of dealing with the child, but I think you have to let this one go.

Quote:

Doesn't matter if your NT or AS. You can still read and write. The autism sticker is a good idea, but do they know what car you own? Do they look at your car often? Do they even know what autism is? Do they know what the symbol for autism is? Do they think of autistic kids as children with protective head gear who can't speak?

Your assuming a lot, just as they assumed a lot.

Moving may not solve your issues, in fact it may just create more issues if you move, it happens again, and you don't reach out to your neighbors and they call CPS.

Don't make mountains out of mole hills. The problem is going to continue until you confront it, and we've suggested a good and civil way that you may be able to not only solve the problem, but educate someone who may not know about autism.

Firstly, although I have no experience of child abusers, I would say that the awful stories that come out in the news of tragic cases where children died because of abuse and no-one knew, I can imagine the fear those children live in and that the fact no-one knew, means it's likely that a lot of abused children never scream, as they are too fearful. My daughter's ranting and behaviour make it pretty clear that she's the one in charge and holds no fear.

There are other incidences I could state to prove that these neighbours are hostile, but that's getting away from the point. How do you know what they thought and the reason they called social services? I suspect that it was done maliciously, SS get many malicious calls.

As for the autism sticker, our car is on our very small open driveway right next to their front garden, so yes it is clearly visible and quite apparent it's our car!

I'm afraid I don't like the aggressive, patronising and antagonistic nature this thread has taken. My rights have to be respected, you are the one making assumptions about neighbours you know nothing about.

I wanted opinions and view points, made in a civil and polite way, not confrontation so I will not visit this thread again. Thanks to all those who replied nicely.

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thewhitrbbit
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06 Dec 2012, 5:07 pm

Quote:

You are right about some children, others do scream at first.

Quote:

There are other incidences I could state to prove that these neighbours are hostile, but that's getting away from the point. How do you know what they thought and the reason they called social services? I suspect that it was done maliciously, SS get many malicious calls.

I apply occums razor. "All things considered, the simplest solution is usually the correct one."

Quote:

As for the autism sticker, our car is on our very small open driveway right next to their front garden, so yes it is clearly visible and quite apparent it's our car!

We did not know that. I know the apartments I've lived in had big parking lots, and no way to know who's car was whos.

Quote:

I'm afraid I don't like the aggressive, patronising and antagonistic nature this thread has taken. My rights have to be respected, you are the one making assumptions about neighbours you know nothing about.

It's not that anyone is out to be aggressive. The posts I've read have indicated a situation that possibly could be defused, removing a stressor from your life, but you seem to not want to take those steps.

Quote:

I wanted opinions and view points, made in a civil and polite way, not confrontation so I will not visit this thread again. Thanks to all those who replied nicely.

I honestly hope it works out for you.

OliveOilMom
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07 Dec 2012, 11:08 am

whirlingmind wrote:

OliveOilMom wrote:

You can still hear screaming even if you aren't in an apartment. I live in the country, in what yo would call detached houses, and I can hear my neighbor two houses up when she screams at her husband. She's my friend and he deserves it though, so it doesn't bother me.

The thing is, I totally get it that you don't like them. They called DHR on you. Not cool, but they did think something was going on. They may not have any idea that a kid can throw fits like that without a serious problem. Most people don't. Most people either think screaming like that is a result of lack of parenting or abuse. It's not true, but a lot do think it. Writing them a letter can explain it and you can be standoffish enough so they won't bother you or try to hang out or be friends with you. In fact you could write it with more of a formal "stay out of my business" tone.

I think if they had have knocked on our door and said "sorry to bother you, we were just concerned that you had a problem because we heard screaming, is everything OK?" it would have been the perfect opportunity to apologise and explain. As it is, they are unfriendly people, we've never done anything to them to make them this way. I really don't know whether they called social services out of genuine concern or just to "teach us a lesson" because they were annoyed at the disturbances. But I feel now they have done this, bearing in mind their past attitude they have burnt all their bridges and I feel no way can I approach them now.

Anyway, I've had doctors appointment with my daughter last week, I'm asking for medication for her. The doctor is trying to speak to specialists to get advice on what best to prescribe and the unit that will be assessing her in January for ASD is apparently having a specially called meeting about her next week. We are also pending an appointment from child mental health services about her anxiety levels. So there are various agencies involved, and I'm doing what I can so if the neighbours do call social services again, they will have access to all the latest information and they already know our situation.

I'm just utterly exhausted right now, we went to a quiet supermarket and she melted down badly all the way round, we had to leave and everyone was looking and making comments, shaking heads etc. and someone told her to stop screaming. I feel like we can't go anywhere any more.

I have bought a car bumper sticker with huge letters about autism on it, hopefully that will drop a more than subtle hint to any more nosey parkers. I just feel too tired and done in to be worrying about the neighbours now.

Ever think that maybe they don't have many social skills either and therefore didn't know what else to do? Maybe they were afraid to approach you as well?

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OliveOilMom
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07 Dec 2012, 11:13 am

whirlingmind wrote:

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying, and maybe for someone else that would work, maybe someone neurotypical. But I'm not neurotypical - and I know what these people are like as well. There have been small but significant displays of their attitude for a long time. So that just isn't an option for me, rightly or wrongly. I've put a very obvious autism bumper sticker on our car by the registration plate, so it can't easily be missed.

I'm not trying medicate my daughter's screaming away, and certainly not because of the neighbours. Medication is a last resort for her, having her behaviour for years and with it getting worse and worse, it's very distressing for her as well as impacting the family very negatively. She has high anxiety and many phobias, her own quality of life is poor because of her behaviour, so this is why I am seeking medication. I'm the type of person who resists medication even for myself, let-alone my child, but when the effects of not being medicated far outweigh the possible side-effects of being medicated then action needs taking.

I am already on medication because of my daughter's behaviour, which has recently been doubled in strength. I cannot be medicated any more than I am being! If I go under the whole family suffers greatly, and my daughter herself has said if there was a tablet to take away her meltdowns, obsessive ranting and anxiety she would want it. She is very self-aware now and is distressed by her own behaviour.

Thanks for your input.

I'm not neurotypical either, but I understand how the world works. If you are going to say "F*** them" then you have to deal with it on that level. If you are going to explain to them what is going on so they don't freak, then you have to deal with it on that level too. You don't get to pick something else, there are only a few choices. Pick one and deal with it on it's level.

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OliveOilMom
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07 Dec 2012, 11:23 am

You know,u have given me a GREAT IDEA!! !! I have two wolf hybrids. My neighbor is scared of all dogs and calls cops and shoots at them when any dog is out. I'm going to fix that today. I'm going to go get a bumper sticker! It will say "Dogs are good" She will certainly be ok with that!! !!

For real honey, think about all this on a FOR REAL level, not some "dont do social repair if you arent up to it" level. Think about it in the REAL WORLD.

Im only giving you advice. I cant live your life for you, I got enough problems with my own if you ain't ever bothered to read the rest of the forum where those of us who survived childhood post.

It is what it is, you can't control that, no matter what lovely platitudes you get from people. Fix it or say f*** them. Either way deal with it on whatever level you choose to put it on, and your choices are not limitless. There is no "Pink Cloud I'm going Home To Tara!" option.

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Tawaki
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07 Dec 2012, 2:18 pm

This is coming from an NT who was lived with loud/partying/raging neighbors all her life. In town houses, detached, and apartments.

One, who looks at bumper stickers? I see stickers on cars all the time, and draw no conclusion because maybe the owner bought the car used, and didn't feel like scraping off the sticker. Or the family teenager slapped it on the car. I've never been compelled to strike up a conversation about anything stuck on a car. Having a Autism puzzle sticker or similar ilk would have me guesing maybe your a special ed teacher or therapist. And that's a maybe.

If you don't address the noise issue-unless you are plunking your abode in the middle of 10 acres, sound carries. If you are buying, be prepared for the cops being called, because 1) home owners hate drama. 2) where I live, if you can hear the carrying on from the side walk, it is fair game for a cop call. Think summer, and windows open. It doesn't take much. If you are RENTING it will get ugly ultra fast. The neighbors will call CPS, the cops and the land lord, if you give them no heads up about your child's problem.

Finally, as for neighbors not coming over before calling CPS, I don't blame them. You could a very nice women with a special needs child in a tough behavioral spot. OR Michelle the Meth Head who is beating the crap out of the kid. I'm not willing to take a potential shot gun blast to the head on your door step. OR have the Meth/Crack addled male half torch my car. There are very few times people even give a crap about violence anymore, but a kid screaming will move most people's hands to the phone and call the police or CPS.

Now, if you write, "Sorry about the noise. Child with behavioral issues that we are addressing currently, signed Sally Housecoat", your neighbors will probably overlook the drama. You don't have to write anymore than what I did. If I got that note, I'd be cool. Tape it to my door at midnight. Have a friend or your kid drop it off on the porch. This is the time to advocate for your child, and put your discomfort on the back burner.

I get where you are coming from. My AS husband would do the exact same thing. "Why should it matter? Why do they need to know? I don't want to. I'm uncomfortable. I'll run away from the situation, and pretend it's not happening."

The deal is, people care about kids. Kids screaming and carrying on usually isn't a good thing. Also, some people hate the sounds of kids (hell, even just playing). You will not win doing nothing. You will get more aggravation, stress and BS not addressing the issue. You don't have to write more than the two sentences I wrote, to get the point across.

Your choice. Do you want your time burnt up dealing with police officers and social workers over really nothing, or spending your precious energy on your child?

Also did you ever think that if your kid is/becomes a runner, your neighbors might just be helpful? Wouldn't it be nice to maybe have a second pair of eyes looking out for the person more dear to you than anything?

Being an adult sometimes sucks. When you have a kid, the luxury of dodging uncomfortableness in situations is gone.

momsparky
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07 Dec 2012, 3:23 pm

Hey, guys - I'm not the OP and I don't know that she's even reading anymore, but this is sounding a lot less like a supportive advice and strategies thread and a lot more like a dogpile.

I think we're all here to help, right?

aann
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10 Dec 2012, 6:30 am

I couldn't agree more, Momsparky. The OP has an important issue, she has AS, and she's a "private person."

I just saw a news article arguing for criminal prosecution of child abusers. The OP really wouldn't want any confusion in this matter, so if she can be encouraged to communicate, that'd be good. Leaving it to social services can be risky. If the neighbors continue to complain, social services might be much more intrusive than you'll ever want.

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