what to tell your kid when they get physicaly bullied

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I disagree with this statement, because sometimes kids get so worked up that they just can't stop and think that the kid who is asking them to stop is just playing around or "doesn't mean it". I'd be very careful about labeling it bullying because they didn't stop when asked.

If someone is doing something that bothers you and you clearly ask them to stop in a way they understand, it is their responsibility to stop. Period.

The only grey area I can see is if they're doing something that has nothing to do with you and you have no right to ask them to stop (which is something to be careful of with a kid on the spectrum - DS used to freak out when kids sang "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" rhyme. He couldn't tell the difference between kids he knew purposely singing it to anger him and total strangers just singing it for fun.)

If my own son gets "worked up" and can't stop, it doesn't make it any less his responsibility to stop when asked and vice versa. I hold him and myself accountable in those cases. Respecting boundaries is a social skill that all kids need to learn and respect, no matter where they are on the spectrum, and an awful lot of NT kids need to learn it, too. Even if the other child doesn't intend to be a bully, the effect of his actions is bullying: he was asked clearly to stop and he didn't. Plus, it is one of the few clear warning signs you can give a kid that something is wrong in the relationship; even kids who don't pick up on social cues can see it.

I used to have a friend who hit me playfully but hard enough to leave a bruise. After asking her to stop several times, I realized she wasn't able to respect my boundaries, and therefore wasn't someone to be friends with. It made me sad, but I can only control my own behavior, not hers, and I felt my safety was at stake, even if she didn't mean to hurt me.

That being said, another person's bad behavior is no excuse for bad behavior of your own, so if a child doesn't stop when you ask him to in a manner you are sure can be understood, the appropriate response is to get away from that child as quickly and safely as possible, and to get somewhere safe (e.g. the proximity of an adult who is supposed to protect you.)

I'm not saying that it's not their responsibility to stop when asked to, nor that it's not bad behavior, annoying, or downright rude. It is all of those things, however it's not bullying.

I think a lot of times labeling something "bullying" can go too far. Bullying is something specific and if we confuse it with ill manners, or rudeness, or irresponsibility, then we diminish actual bullying. Being bullied is serious. Being annoyed isn't. If we label anything we don't like as bullying, then before long nobody will take bullying seriously.

I've seen people in other areas say that someone staring at them was bullying them, or someone not doing them a favor was bullying them, or someone being rude to them was bullying them, and others have agreed. That stuff isn't bullying. Bullying requires intent.

My concern is that when we start calling so many things "bullying" then nobody is going to take actual bullying seriously and we will be worse off than we started.

While I will agree with you that there are a lot of things that are called bullying that aren't (misunderstandings are a prime example,) I don't agree that bullying requires intent in all circumstances.

Provided it has been brought to your attention and you've been asked to stop, thoughtlessly hurting someone is bullying. It doesn't matter if you intend to hurt them: if you know someone is being hurt by your actions and you refuse to change them, you are a bully.

I keep trying to write a post and then read over it and think that's not coming across right so l hope it makes sense

I have met a lot of families along the way with different issues that pop up for their ASD kids. I even ran a support group for a few years, l have worked in schools and kinders as an aide and seen a lot. Parents have different ideas of what is okay and not ok and even advise their kids to hit back if someone hits them.
The thing that concerns me is when it does get physical, my DD has been on both ends where she has purposely hurt out of frustration and she has been purposely hurt too. It's when it keeps happening from the same person whether physical or mentally (by putting them down verbally and trying to alienate them from others) that is a bully.

Interestingly my DD has been told she is a bully because she calls kids names after they started calling her names. I have found that years of misunderstanding of her actions and how cruel kids can be, she fights back even though my guidance is to walk away. Usually the bully has a gang or is popular because they have the quick witty replies and like the power of being in charge and enjoy putting people down.

So the word bully can be used loosely but if a person is targeting another then bully is the right name.

I agree with this statement.

Pardon my french but f**k THAT s**t!

You have a right to defend yourself if someone lays hands on you.

End of discussion.

If someone tries to suspend my kid for defending himself, I will sue them for everything they own.

Good luck with that dude.

It's gotta change. Someone has to change. We cannot continue this policy of punishing people for defending themselves. We are creating a generation of kids that can't defend themselves. We are creating a generation of prime targets for con artists and criminals. The schools told me when I was a kid, "Don't fight back, call the teacher, but don't fight back."

I got 11 years of proof that IT DOESN'T WORK.

It has to change. It's something every parent should be demanding.

I agree with you so sorry for my snarky comment. Its just that suing the school district would not likely be very successful. People have a hard enough time suing school districts for breaches of the IDEA when the federal law clearly defines the school's responsibilities. The chances of ever winning in a "he said - she said" battle with the school over who threw the first punch when the only direct witnesses are all under the age of 18 are minuscule. Schools are notorious for circling the wagons to protect their own. They do it every time regardless of whether or not their policies or employees are at fault. Take the example of the guy who put a recording devices into his disabled son's pocket and recorded teachers verbally abusing his son all day long. No one would tell him if any disciplinary action was taken against the multiple staff members involved. As far as he knows, they were all whisked off to work in other locations. Kinda like the Catholic Church.