Parents of 27 yr old Asperger (ASD or PDD-NOS)

Post Reply New Topic

Since he's a 27 year old man who did ok until college, I don't know that it's so much the AS as it is depression. If he was doing well in a controlled environment and then doing badly in the different environment, if it was the AS causing that then I would think when he came back home he would go back to doing as well as before. Also, you said he had a job for two years before, so he obviously can work. To me this sounds a lot like depression. Depression can cause so many problems, and the longer it goes untreated the more they increase. Has he tried any therapy and antidepressants? You said he's had bad experiences before but with depression all the negatives are magnified and it may feel hopeless to try it.

What does he have to say about what he wants to do, how he wants to go about it, what he thinks is causing all this? I have had depression for years and was only diagnosed with AS in my 40's, but I know that if I were depressed and hopeless about my life, then being 27 and having my parents refer to me as defiant, or to actually take away my possessions like I was 7 I doubt very seriously I would feel all that much motivation to do anything. I also wonder if you treat him like an adult? Do you talk to him like he's actually 27 and ask him for his input or do you just tell him what to do? If he's being treated like a child then he probably feels like one and that's not the best mindset to have if he's going to move out and actually start his life.

I don't think kicking him out with no place to go is the answer, and to be honest that option doesn't sound like it lines up with the tone of the rest of your post. He's going to have to find some kind of work first and while he's supposed to be applying for jobs every day, you might suggest to him that he try a temporary labor agency. It's not a great option but it's something to get him some money coming in and then he can start looking for other jobs. The labor places will just pay minimum wage and it will probably be hard physical labor. Probably something like pushing a broom at a construction site, but it's a start. It will also give him some confidence to have his own money in his pocket and probably some peace of mind to be able to use that money to buy his own possessions so they can't be taken away as a punishment.

The first thing I'd do though is sit down and talk with him like an adult, not like an uncooperative teenager.

To be honest, this sounds like it's just depression. Harder to treat if he has AS as a background issue, but if he has had enough executive function until now to be able to go to university, this probably isn''t the kind of help he needs. Lots of people are unemployed right now, particularly young graduates and someone who has had mental health problems will be even more disadvantaged.

Concentrate on trying to build his confidence and get him treated for depression/anxiety- professionals may be missing this because he does not behave the way an NT depressive would.

Totally agree with OliveOilMom. (Background: I was an Oxford undergrad before becoming depressed and taking a third)

Hello Shineb

We have situation which very similar to you described with your son. Hope you wont mind sharing how the thing are going now. Any tips what worked and what did not work in your son's case,.

Thanks and Reagrds
Raky

I agree with those here saying that tough love is not the answer when this lad is actually suffering and struggling and it's not just an attitude problem, it's Aspergers and very likely depression making all these expectations feel nightmarish for him.

Let you into a little secret -- I was like him when I was 27. I could not function beyond all the stay-at-home things you describe of your son. I just could not. I was also long term depressed.

The only thing that motivated me to live differently was when my own goal in life prompted me to want to get money to make a specific trip I wanted to make. The goal was to do with something I hoped I could make a career from (music). It was only this self-directed motivation that prompted me to finally seek a job and try to hold onto it long enough to save some money. It took a few more jobs (I functioned poorly at them all as they were a horrible "fit" for my personality and my particular ASD related struggles). I did make my trip and it was the start of changing my whole life.

I have functioned independently ever since, although it's a mixed bag -- functioning well enough to survive, but poorly enough to find it a constant struggle and have a certain level of suffering in the constant attempt to get through life.

But basically, I was where your son was, and tough love kicking me out before something in myself motivated me to go under my own steam would have meant certain disaster for me.

I realize that maybe I was lucky to have something that motivated me within myself, and maybe your son doesn't have a specific thing that might become a motivating goal for him to work and make money or live alone. I had a specific thing I started realizing I wanted to get out there and do in life, and that was the only thing that made ME break out of my own stuck situation. But if anyone had "tough loved" me into anything before I did it to myself, I would probably have been dead, raped or murdered by 28.

Please don't just kick him out or think it's an "attitude problem." Or that he's making his ASD an excuse to bum a free ride. My family members hated me exactly because that's what they thought about me. The truth was I was in agony and frozen and paralyzed all the while I was living with my parents and still doing nothing at 26, 27. It took ME, myself, to want to change things, for me to go about that the right way. Other people ganging up on me and throwing me out would have precipitated who-knows-what type of nasty fate for me.

See about treatment for depression, to start with. Your son needs helping into finding a motivation to have a more full life or to find work that is SUITABLE to him, not kicking out or tough love.

That's my story, too.

Couldn't finish my undergrad degree. Couldn't get a job. Depressed. One good relationship kept me going and gave me motivation and that resulted in years of steady employment, a house, kids and the general outlines of a moderately successful life.

Hard to know what being kicked out and given "tough love" by my parents would have resulted in, but I doubt I would have been alive after the mid 1990s.

Yes, it's hard to know what would have happened as that would be speculation, of course.

But all I know is that, at that age, I was a very vulnerable, very sheltered and innocent person, change and upheaval were already things I knew to be deeply traumatic to me, I was very much a "homebody" and needed a sense of security (still very important to me) and I'm fairly certain that if I had been kicked out to my own devices, cold turkey, I doubt very strongly that I was ready to cope with the trauma of that sufficiently to swim rather than sink.

Hi, Raky:

The OP only has 4 posts, and they are all in April/May 2013, so I doubt the OP will be looking here. If you post more particulars of your individual situation either here or on a new post, we can try to be of help.

In general: We do have a lot of posts that are similar to this one. It is often very hard for someone with autism to launch, and most (to my knowledge) don't thrive when they are just tossed out of the nest without supports.

The notion that they just need to be forced to do it doesn't work b/c typically the issue is skills not motivation. Loss of motivation is the effect not the cause of the problems, and it is caused by feelings of failure and often depression.

Hello ASDMommyASDKid and other esteemed members,

Thank you for your suggestion to post information about our situation and your offer to provide help.

My son was diagnosed PDDNOS/FHA/Inattentive/Obsessive at the age of 3 and is now 18 years old. One big issue with him is his emotional rigidity leading to lack of compliance. If anything is not his idea then he is not motivated to do it. Although it has affected him thru out the life, but its impact is most in recent years affecting his progress.

Just to give one example of his this thinking from the past. When he was kid may be he heard that most kids learn riding bike without training wheels when they are six. So a few months before turning six, we offered to remove the training wheels but he did not agree. The day he turned six the training wheels were off and away he went!

He does have a lot of gaps in skills. Lacks many day to day livings skills, social skills and academic skills. The gap is due to lack of his co-operation to learn not due to his potential. He has IQ around 85. His this behavior/attitude/disability is not letting us help him. We had tried working with tutors, therapists, other activities and appropriate camps etc.

He won’t even take our suggestion to sleep at appropriate time. He thinks humans should sleep wakeup whatever time they want and body clock is not important. He just wants to watch a few TV shows and wants to spend most of the time on internet something related to those shows. Trying to take away internet or TV leads to other problems. He keeps on saying he is not ready to learn but without spending the proper effort and co-operating with teachers, mentors, parents etc. He has no friend since last 4 years due to increasing gap. He want to be friends only with NT kids not with on spectrum. Now he has come to the thinking that he does not need friends.

So we are in a situation where we don’t see any good option. But would like to see other parent’s opinion in case you had been thru this. Even other member of these forums who have practical tips to deal with this type of situation based on their own life experiences, please do share your tips.

TIA, Raky

What is your son's emotional maturity? This is separate IQ. A person can be intellectually smart but emotionally immature. My son is 10 and acts about 6 more often than not ---but he is not intellectually challenged other than in social-cognitive type stuff, if that makes sense.

I ask this because as you probably already know, you have to target what you do to where he is, not where he should be if he did not have an ASD.

In addition to the rigidity that your anecdote demonstrated, he may also have a lack of confidence. I would give him tasks you -know- he can do, and when he is in a good mood, have him do those things. This way he will have a good success streak before you ask him to do something a bit more challenging. Try building up his confidence for several days in a row---more if you think he needs it. Then one day start off with easy things and ask him to do something just a little harder. If he balks, remind him of how successful he has been and then praise him, when he does it, even if it is not perfect.

If he is too mature for this, maybe he will be suspicious and it will not work---and that is why I asked his maturity level. If he is immature enough the things that work with kids, might work for your son, even if he is a good deal older.

I agree with ASDMommy. I also think you might benefit from professional help: he needs someone he can trust to help him adjust his reasoning. It will be challenging to find someone he can trust, you are likely to have to present evidence of the outcome to him before he's willing to go (my son currently won't go to therapy but is finally listening to me a bit.

If you are currently seeing a professional who is not helping, if your gut says the professional is the problem - go therapist-shopping and find a better one. Keep in mind that it will take a significant amount of time before you see any actual change, so things staying the same is not in itself a reason to find a new therapist; also, that in cases like these the therapist has to spend a significant amount of time building trust with your child, which can look like "playing" or "wasting time." However, if you are willing to be patient and take a long view, if you don't feel good about a therapist, find a new one.

You might learn more about the Collaborative Problem Solving approach. It should fit very nicely with the need for things to be HIS idea. Basically you will identify the skills he is missing to be independent and move into adulthood, and work together with him to figure out how to get him there. http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents

This kind of story comes up often.
I never find out what happens, if anything changes later.

Thanks a lot ASDMommyASDKid, momsparky and zette for your value able input.

ASDMommyASDKid we have not measured his emotional IQ in a formal way. Will do so. But it is likely to be low. His personality is a bit complex. One moment he says something which indicates his maturity level is higher but another moment he will do something directly opposite. As an example he wrote an email to someone [his own choice] which has high level English [above middle school level] but on the other hand he does not check the email regularly saying I don’t know how to use computer. Another example I took him somewhere and a simple form has to be filled. He marked all the Yes and No boxes for each question. This is after I have explained to him at length that as Day and Night can’t exist at the same time, so one can’t mark Yes and No response to the same question. He thinks it is just paper and marking both Yes and No boxes is not a problem. The core problem is unwillingness to do anything that is not his idea. Usually the ideas those work with young kids don’t work with him.

momsparky we have worked with some professionals and currently looking for new one. But due to his complex personality as parents have to get involved to explain things to the therapist. Then he usually thinks that the therapist is taking parent side. Right now we have no one whom he trusts.

zette: Thanks for sharing the website about Collaborative Problem Solving approach. Will take a look.

The current battle is how to get him participate in learning.

Sophisticated language usage is an intellectual skill set and not an emotional one, which is a big problem for a lot of our kids. They appear so much more mature than they are, and people have expectations that run accordingly.

We had this issue so frequently it was maddening. Even though the school knew because they were the ones who tested him --that his emotional maturity runs about 60% of his emotional maturity, their expectations were in accordance with his grade level and his academics.

I am going to be honest (I hope you don't mind) and tell you that it sounds like he is going to need substantial supports. I wonder if there is a local group that specializes in helping adults with issues with employment or school can help you. Sometimes even if the group doesn't deal with adults with ASD but deals with intellectual disability or something else, they might at least be aware of other adult services that would better fit your son.