First Grade

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Thank you. ASD moms are my sanity.

I'm sure my hubby will thank you too, when he takes a lunch break and checks the forum from his phone .

My kids also, someday, will I am sure express gratitude.

That sounds like the situation in our domicile. The vigilante measures fix the problem, but they cause worse ones (and pretty soon all the kids are living in their rooms, because they're sent there so often and anyway it's the only safe place to be).

It's not a first offense, and it won't be a last offense...

...but when younger siblings tormented their older siblings in similar ways when I was a kid, the standard parental practice was to dismiss it as Kid Behavior, yell at both parties, wash rinse repeat. Hubby says he and his cousins used to delight in pushing each other's buttons in similar ways. I remember my friends' siblings doing it. I probably wouldn't bat an eye if one of my girls did it (in fact, the four-year-old and one-year-old are sitting at my feet pushing each others' buttons for fun as I type, and I'm not alarmed).

I remember friends' siblings (about 4 to 6 years between us and them) doing things like making the same noise over and over, or pulling hair, or opening the door and slamming it, or running off with homework papers, or giving rabbit ears in pictures, or unplugging the light in the bedroom-- long story, poor family, two working outlets and a lot of extension cords-- specifically for the joy of being annoying and getting a reaction. They did it consistently, over and over, for YEARS-- I can remember YEARS of screaming "Benjamin!" and going tearing through the house after a giggling tow-headed imp who wanted nothing so much as to make me mad enough to chase him.

I don't know how controlled it was, but it was definitely intentional and deliberate, more playful than malicious (however annoying it might have been), and none of them (not even the ones that were horribly abused/molested by an older sibling) ended up violent or non-functional.

How do I tell the difference between a 6-year-old boy annoying his older sister to hear her scream (and is that even considered "normal" behavior any more??) and a kid with personal space issues that are going to cause misunderstandings that will get him in trouble, and a kid who's aggressive and going to become violent??

If it makes any difference, there have been only two episodes of hitting another kid: Once, when he was about 2, a friend's (much older) kid pushed him down, took his toy, and stood over him laughing-- this kid is known to be mean, and it was clearly bullying behavior. DS's response was to get up, back up, lower his head, and bull-charge the kid. We broke it up, swatted the toddler, and explained to the then-6-year-old that getting knocked on your butt is, basically, what you can expect if you go around bullying little kids.

The other one was over a year ago, when he and his little sister tried punching each other in the name of "Showing each other our strong." Never repeated. The only other issue of inappropriate contact outside the sibling group was one instance of him and another little boy playing at karate during story time at the beginning of this year-- the other kid instigated it, but Young Mister Edison was happy to join in, grinning like a weasel.

My cousin says, quote, "It's completely normal for kids to show some aggression. If they don't have any, they end up doormats. Like you." I note that she basically ignores this behavior in her kids, on the basis that they need to learn to handle it-- and both of them seem to be happy, healthy, and able to function among other children and/or in school (one's barely 3, the other one is 6-- two days older than DS-- and I'm also starting to seriously think that the 3-year-old might be Asperger's too).

Why am I applying such a different standard to the boy?? Is it simply because he's atypical and male?? Why am I not worried about DD12 being a pathological liar, since she chose to equate "flapping his hands in my face" with "trying to hit me" (and she's definitely old enough to know the difference)??

Is it because there's grounds for concern?? Or is it because I'm putting the boy under a microscope??

In other thoughts, how does one stop oneself from catastrophizing, particularly in a culture where micro-managing, nit-picking, worst-case-scenario-seeing, helicopter parenting still seems to be smiled upon as being a "present, involved, pro-active parent" almost to an extent that makes one wonder if the "experts" don't all have Asperger's too???

BuyerBeware,

All good issues...where to begin?

I think when you parent a kid on the spectrum, you end up helicoptering b/c you have to, and it is hard to know when if ever to stop. I think that is almost a separate issue from over-analyzing though not entirely b/c that is why you get way more data than a parent of an NT would, and so you have more data to agonize over.

Based on my observations through out my life, most kids do mean things at least some of the time. It is not an indicator of anything unless you see some really bad stuff, with no real rationale. Absent that, you really don't know, but in most cases it straightens itself out. Of course with our kids, they are less likely to get the benefit of the doubt, and less able to defend themselves. They don't know when they need to look tough or when it is going to get them in trouble that NT kids are better at avoiding. I have seen my son admit to doing things he did not do (I know b/c I was there) just to keep people from badgering him.

So, I cut him slack when I can. If he does anything violent, we stay consistent. It is the best we can do.

You worry too much, I think. People I know in RL tell me that all the time, and my youngest was sent home from preschool last year for hitting other kids or himself nearly a dozen times. One of his favorite past times is to punch his brothers in the balls or tackle the cats, and people tell me to stop worrying about his aggression. He is getting better. I still worry though. (He punched a brother in the throat while I was typing this and has been sent to his room to cool off.)

My oldest went through a few years of violent meltdowns. He has thrown chairs, toys, dishes, and even busted holes in the walls and doors a couple of times (trying to get into the room to hurt his brother who had provoked him into that state). Right about the time he turned 12, he suddenly outgrew that and has only had one mild incident since.

Almost all the NT little boys I know are considerably more violent than you've described your little guy as being, and the thing this morning sounded entirely like the finger in the face while sing songing "I'm not touching you!!" kind of torment that is totally time honored among siblings. (As is the tattling it into a bigger thing than it was)

That's what I'm hoping...

...because the idea of turning him into a sedative zombie makes me want to sob even before I factor in what I went through.

Also because I'm seeing more silliness (avoidance) and more sulky balky crap. When that happened last year, it was because I was riding the kid with spurs on. Rationally I am willing to bet that this time it's because I'm trying to micromanage, and probably headed to give the whole damn family a collective nervous breakdown.

I'd really like to back off. A little bit. God-- even if you don't get smacked with a stick and put down after three major transgressions, freakin' NOBODY wants to live in The Giver.