My Folks Are Always Wanting Me Out...

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Eventually, you will have to be on your own. Your mom is also right that most prospective romantic partners don't necessarily see living at home with mom as a positive thing. it is not impossible to find someone, while still living at home, but it is harder.

I understand that you don't want to be on your own, but your family is right in the sense that eventually no one will be there to take care of you. Even if they do not leave you or kick you out, your mom someday will die. You need a plan for that eventuality. This is a thing I worry about with my son. Once my husband and I die, no one will take care of him. This is normal for a parent to worry about because we care what happens to our children, in the future, even (especially) when we are not around.

It is not bad to plan for this, even if you are not currently ready. That was why I suggested a room-mate or some other situation where you would not be by yourself. It is better to plan now, so that whatever situation you can figure out, will be better than what you are stuck with. Then you will have no choice. If you plan ahead, you will have more control over things.

What I do not understand is that it seems that there is a double-standard where your mom is OK with your sister being at home indefinitely. The only thing I can think of is that your mom has more confidence that your sister can take care of herself, if she had to.

Regardless, them nagging you is not going to help you. You need to find out what other living situations are tolerable to you. Do you have friends who would want a room-mate?

Yeah, plus the fact I still struggle with emotions and memories from the only woman I've ever loved that way before. She's been indifferent to me for a long time, and when I've tried to reach her heart, she becomes more withdrawn (lots of pain in her past).

In all honesty, I've become so depressed that most days, I honestly don't have much enthusiasm for life anymore. I'm not suicidal, but my existence feels hollow and empty. My pain often overwhelms me, to the point I wish God would just take me home in my sleep. When I wake up in the morning, I often feel a mix of thankfulness for another chance at happiness, and regret that I'm still trapped where I don't belong. I've felt like the ultimate outsider for so long, absolutely convinced that I'm not meant to be here...yet at the same time, I keep hoping something good and peaceful can be found. Its almost like a spiritual version of multiple-personality disorder, but I don't hear audible voices.

Its not just about avoiding loneliness, but also being away from my mother. As a teen, I remember waiting on the local bus to go to school, and crying when Mom's bus came first because I was so scared. I was relentlessly bullied at school, ignored by most at various schools, and emotionally abused by super-religious folks at home (most my aunt and uncle). Mom was a workaholic then, so I never spent much time around her before my teen years.

Pretty much; my sister constantly talks about being excited regarding a solo life, while I've actually tried it twice, and hated both attempts.

I don't have many friends my own age, and those in that category all have families and such.

I thought this might be the case just from hearing about your situation. There is a treatment for depression called "Behavioral Activation" that you should look into. The focus is on getting the client to come up with things that make them feel a little better and then doing them. When people stop doing things, the joy that we get from doing things can slowly drain away, and then it can start to seem like nothing is enjoyable, and there is nothing to do and no point to life. It is important to keep moving, do things that might be a little difficult but have a pay off at the end (like going for walks, applying for jobs, eating healthy foods, reading books, etc), even if it takes you away from your comfort zone.

A cognitive behavioral psychologist can help you get motivated to do that sort of thing. I really think it's your best chance at helping yourself here.

I am curious about this, because I have been through all that process with depression, but I don't see how you get out of it when you need company and are being pushed to live alone.

What I learned about myself was that I function very, very poorly living alone. I become vulnerable to predatory people. My behavior gets stranger and alienates others more. I become uncertain and anxious about everything. How to walk. How to stand. What to say. When to move. I used to go to restaurants, movies and parks to be among people, but then would only feel more lonely and depressed when I realized that there were people who were engaged with others and other loners... And that my presence could make the well adjusted, happy folk uncomfortable, even if I was not being intrusive in any way--just reading a book or drawing in a sktechbook.

I hate being alone. I become panicky when I am alone. I feel lost, ungrounded and unsafe. I can go out into the world and do needful things only because I have my family to return to in the evening. If I was always going home to an empty flat, I don't know. I don't think I would make it.

When I read this post, I think moviefan2k4 is a lot like me, but wasn't lucky enough to make the social push in high school that connected me with my wife. My heart goes out to him because his discomfort with being alone reminds me of myself. I want something to work out for him, but I don't see "you need to learn to be self-sufficient" as a functional answer. It's like telling a man with no legs to pull himself up by his own bootstraps--the idea is so wrong you don't even know where to start.

I am thinking he needs to move to some sort of intentional community or group living situation. What would you advise for someone who experiences real, debilitating dysfunction in response to a solitary life? There has to be some better, more skillful approach than "man up and deal."

I don't think there are a lot of services for someone in the OP's situation. That was why I was hoping there were people he already knew that he could live with. I wish I had more to suggest. His county might have a mental health department, and their may be a local ARC chapter, but I don't know how helpful any of those resources would be. He needs concrete assistance, and he is going to have trouble navigating the bureaucracy.

If he goes to his family, then they will be too aggressively pushing the moving out aspect, which will scare him from any help they would help coordinate for him. What they do would be toward that one aspect, instead of his general mental health and well being. That is what I am interpreting, anyway.

OP, do you know what resources are in your area that you could access, at least for the depressive feelings?

If OP has health insurance I would strongly encourage him to look into antidepressants. SSRIs not only help with depression but also any OCD-related difficulties.

I think you're right. I wouldn't recommend that the goal is to live alone, but rather to find ways to maximize independence. This includes building social skills and groups. The need to be with others is something that I believe almost all people share, and I don't think even the OP's mother wanted him to be completely alone.

The thing is, being comfortable is nice, and when people are comfortable, they don't want to put in the effort to meet new people, and take social risks that could ultimately result in big rewards, as you stated with your wife. This is why I harped so much on the impermanence of Moviefan's situation. You can't depend on that situation lasting, and so it is important not to be complacent in it. This is especially important if being alone causes crippling problems. Personally, I am very close and interdependent with my wife. I could probably be reasonably content if she were the only person I spent time with. Because of this, I put a great deal of effort and work into maintaining the relationship, understanding her, and trying to make sure that we both consistently communicate with eachother. Yet I also make an effort to maintain relationships with friends and family, even when it is inconvenient for me. This is partly because I know that if something were to happen to my wife, or to our relationship, I would need to rely on those friends and family. I would be devastated if something happened to my wife or my relationship, but I know that I could rebuild and survive it. I would want the same for Moviefan, and I think the path to that goal starts with taking small steps towards independence, while he still has his family to rely on. Make other friends, build in other sources of social and economic support, create a life that doesn't feel pointless. Once that is in place, he can start trying to look into other living situations. Other living situations could be communal as you suggested, Adamantium, or they could be solitary, but with enough of a social life built in so that they are not intolerable.

So my advice is not to "man up and deal" it's to start dealing slowly now, to the extent that you are able, because it's better than being forced to deal quickly later. Either way, life will force you to deal.

I think this would be a great compromise if it could be done. I think a measured approach in leaving his mother's residence would be warranted, as it is a hefty transition. I think there is a balance that needs to be reached between his needs and his mother's, because it sounds like it is very unbalanced right now. I do think he could spend time with his family if he also simultaneously had his own bed somewhere externally, to give the semblance of autonomy, which might be a fair compromise for the moment. Baby steps.

I am not autistic, but I also had a hard time living on my own. Tried to go to college after High School, had to move back home. About 5 years later, I decided to move 2 hours away. I lived in several different apartments. And, even though I had a boyfriend and a job, I was still lonely. Again, when I had my son- I lived with my parents for about a year and a half until I moved to this apartment with just my son & I. When I had my son, it was basically financial reasons. Anyways- I do understand how hard it is to live on your own.

Unfortunately, most people don't find their jobs enjoyable. It is basically a way to make a living. We work to live not live to work (in most cases). But I think you should find some sort of job- might help with socializing with other people, even just saying Hi or something. I'm not talking about a full-time job.. whatever you are comfortable with. A couple hours a week is better than nothing! Is there a job program like Voc Rehab around there? They might be able to help set you up.

A group home I don't think would be a bad option either. My boyfriend, who has Asperger's, thought about living in a place like that before. Some places are just like apartments with a common area- like a kitchen or dining room. He is now living in an apartment complex with people who have disabilities. I really hope you find something that will work for you!!

It's definitely a hard, hard situation. I am in no hurry to see my children grow up and move out, but they have all done it on a pretty reasonable schedule. When my dd was dx I did a lot of reading and came across a lot of evidence that her transition may not follow the same schedule. I am not so sure now, since she has more life skills than I thought she would have as a teenager. Interestingly, she isn't the child who asks me the most questions about what will happen when my dh and I pass away, it's an apparently self-sufficient NT who lives away from home!

When I started thinking about it I was impressed at the number of options I could come up with. My preferred one is having an apartment in the same building as hers and having planned together / alone times. I think that will make the transition much smoother. I also recognize that we will both need times away from each other, and maybe that is one of the problems here. Presumably the OP's sister is out socializing and working, while he is at home most of the time.

I understand the OP's anxiety about living alone because it seems that independence is being presented as an all or nothing situation. I think doing more for himself and others is a goal in itself, rather than a means to reach independent status. What more do you feel able to do? You don't feel able to slog it out at a full-time job, live by yourself 24/7 right now, and I get that. Contributing some of your disability cheque is great. Would a part-time job be a possibility? Is there a sheltered workplace you could go to? If not (and this is what I plan to encourage my daughter to do) how about volunteering? Volunteering is, in my opinion, one of the best ways to meet good, caring people. It also occupies your mind and gets you out of the house. You coud also decide to spend more time out of the house going to the library or taking long walks. Finally, can you help out at home more? You could learn to cook simple meals; cooking is a big help as well as a good way of feeling more independent. All of the things I'm suggesting woud help build the skill set you need to be happier on your own, and also happier in your own environment. Being home all of the time can contribute to low self-worth, a lack of autonomy, and feelings of depression. I know because this even happens to me despite loving my work-from-home life and family.

Hope these suggestions help a bit, even if they aren't getting to the root of the problem.

J.

I was taking Celexa last year, but after a while I didn't feel any different without it. I've been on different pills, and they just make me feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I had all the same emotions, but was unable to express them...and it made me miserable.

Not everyone responds well to meds. I don't know what kind of therapy options are available, but talking it out with a professional familiar with autism might be useful. both from a mental health --- feeling better perspective and also in helping you formulate a plan of how to handle your family and your situation.

I don't know if such a thing is available where you live. There might be non-profits near you that you could contact to see what is available?

Like other people have said, you are going to have to live away from your mother one day, for one reason or another. It might be best to start out on your own now while she's still around and still at home so you will have that knowledge that you still have that safety net should you need it. It will be a lot easier for you to manage a job and an apartment when you know that if you can't do it you can still go back home, than it would be to have to learn how to manage it when your mother is in a nursing home or gone and you don't have that safety net.

It's been a while since I've read this thread, but is there anything you can do for work or do you get disability? If you get disability and it's enough to pay rent with, I'd really suggest you try and find something now. Maybe even try one of those rent by the month furnished suites like they have for people doing out of town business. Hotels have them and some apartment buildings. That way you don't have to sign a lease or get furniture or deal with utilities or anything and you are only locked in it month by month. You could see how you do that way, and knowing it's only a month at a time may help you deal with it better.

If I were living completely on my own now, my SSI amount would barely cover my rent. I might be able to get food stamps, but there'd be no money for electricity, washing clothes, bus fare (I don't drive), etc. Living with my Mom and sister, I pay about a third of the rent, plus my own internet and cell phone. After that, I have about $280 left, or less than $10 a day every month.

Ok, so no offense, but now I see where your sister and mom are coming from. Essentially you are being taken care or. You are paying 1/3 or the rent, but not contributing to the electrict, water, or groceries (based on what you said). Also, what is the division of labor? That might also be a factor on why they are pushing so hard. Who does the laundry? The shopping? The cooking? The cleaning? If your sister works a full days and then also comes home and does that and takes care of mom and drives people around places... Well I can't say I wouldn't be trying to lessen my load. But I'm making a lot of assumptions there.

Anyway, wanted to point out, that you aren't the only person who doesn't want to live alone. I'm willing to bet that there is a website out there specifically designed to help people find roomates. Like, for example, www.roomates.com. Or even craigslist. Either way, I think your first step needs to be getting a job. I"m not 100% certain where you live, but a good job that is relatively solitary is at a UPS or FedEx sorting facility. If you take the night shift it pays 1.5-2x more than the day shift. It's decent pay for really easy work for which you don't need a skill set other than being able to read and move a box. OTher options to get started are to go through a temp agency and try to get a factory job or secretarial work. I would not recommend fast food or retail for some one with aspergers.

Whoa, there. Suggesting that someone with ASD should find a roommate on Craigslist?? Nooooooooo. Very bad idea.

There is the option of government-subsidized low-income housing (apartments). You have to show that you have limited income, and there is usually a waiting list for an opening. Your rent is based on your income; you pay a certain percentage rather than a set price.