Motivating a young adult

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I don't know...I have always rather resented it when people made me out to be some kind of super-human, wonder-mom simply because I take care of my kids. Do I have to do things that parents of NT kids do not have to do? I imagine I do. Is it qualitatively "harder" for me than it is for them? I suppose so. Is it possible that I will care for my son under my roof until the day I die because of his level of executive dysfunction? I hope not, but I do have to accept it is a possibility. But does that equate to "sainthood"? For a reason that I cannot find words for...I find the characterization to be...the closest word I can pull is an abomination. It implies that my life and my children are such burdens that I deserve to be revered for the mere fact that I persist day after day. That somehow I am special and to be set aside from the rest of parenthood, who undoubtedly have their own struggles. Something about it seems....dirty. Thinking about it makes my lips curl with contempt.

I have often wondered about people who characterize their own plight in life as being worthy of sainthood, or who would endorse someone else's characterization of their life as being worthy of sainthood. It appears to me to be perhaps the most "unsaintly" thing one could do.

But this is really beside the point of the mother's post. And to be honest, I don't know that recommending that people soften up their feedback is necessarily helpful. No one is being disrespectful. I think that getting "smacked in the face" by the opinions of people on the spectrum...getting feedback that shocked me and caused me to recoil, not because it was done in disrespect, but because it was something I had never even considered before, and was actually the opposite of how I thought things really were....has actually been exceedingly helpful to me in parenting my kids. It has offered me insight that I would never have been exposed to if I just surrounded myself with other parents who only spat out "advice" that resembled my already existing perceptions. There are other forums on the net where you can go to get advice from NT parent-peers. The richness of the advice available on this forum comes because you will have the opportunity to hear from people who will see things in a way that is completely foreign to you.

Well your rambling makes perfect sense to me and it's logic is sheer poetry. You make logical sense to me

Well as for consequences, being he's 20...over 18 punishing him like you would a minor child, or attempting to obviously will not go over well most likely. So what sort of consequences are we talking? Also it would be important to find out if its a matter of simply not doing these things or if he really can't or is having a lot more difficulty than you might think maybe he has a lot of anxiety or is getting too stressed

I don't want to jump on this to quick, but perhaps he'd be eligible for SSI, but that is only if he'd be considered disabled. I had to get on SSI after trying to work a couple times and dropping out of college because I couldn't handle it. I guess my point is if there is really some underlying problem like severe anxiety, trouble handling stress, depressive disorders ect no amount of pushing will 'motivate' him unless he gets help with those things and can gradually reach a more stable point.

Maybe he'd be interested in a program to help him find work or something like that. Did he graduate from highschool?

But that is just one perspective to keep in mind, I obviously don't know your son I just know what i have gone through...I could be way off but just something to think about.

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Are you sure?.....Lack of motivation is a very common symptom of depression, though it can also be part of executive functioning difficulties of autism. I know I've been mistaken for lazy many times when I am having a difficult time with my depression.

I agree. Interests play a huge part of getting me to do anything. I know a lot of cool resources around the web and the world. But it's hard to know if any of them would be good suggestions without knowing what he enjoys.

In my city there is a charity that helps people who are homeless or alcoholic get back on their feet, providing shelter and job training. I think the job training includes skills like how to search for jobs, how to interview, how to present yourself at work, etc. I've always wondered what would happen if the parent of a young adult with AS approached the administration and asked if their kid could enroll in just the job training portions (obviously not needing shelter or rehab). In any case, there would definitely be volunteering opportunities there, which might be a good experience toward working.

My sense is that you can't really teach executive functioning skills.

You can teach practices that employ executive functioning abilities and if EF is impaired, that doesn't go so well.

I am no kind of expert in this, but researching this pretty intensively for the last year and half (with a lot of motivation because my EF problems are the thing that give me the most trouble in life) I have found that there are no skills to learn. Really the best you can do is look for compensatory strategies.

Use alarms on a smartphone to remind you of events, deadlines and appointments that you might forget.
Checklists can help to make sure that you don't miss important tasks that are outside of your immediate focus/interest.
Google calendar is very useful in keeping clusters of scheduled items that you can access from almost anywhere.

If the people around you who care about you know that you have problems, they may be able to help with reminders, strategies or even taking on some tasks that you are really bad at. Or there are services which can take on some of this stuff (e.g., something like Mint can help you keep track of your financial life.)

But I don't think there actual EF skills that you can learn--your executive functioning is what it is and you have to live and work around those strengths and weaknesses.

There's a couple of books, Smart But Scattered, and Smart But Scattered for Teens that have very detailed plans for teaching EF skills, including how to gradually back off on supporting these skills. Can't say yet if they really work, but worth a try.

Awesome, I will try them and report back!

Hi, Guilmum here. My initial posting certainly provoked some interesting dialogue.

I will try the books mentioned above, the concept sounds intriguing.

For those who wanted to know more about S.

He graduated from high school in 2011 & attended a community college away from home for a year.(he certainly gained some maturity during that time). Unfortunately, he was totally unable to ask for help (still huge problem) & failed 2 credits, therefore did not gain the diploma in general arts & science. Since returning to live at home, he has attended a 6 month training course for Aspies, where they got him a job delivering local free papers, for a horrendously tiny salary, but it is a job, hence he can prove he can keep one.

In the past 4 months, he has attended another community college & is about to obtain Food Service worker certificate. He likes food issues which is one of his interests. He used to be fascinated by cars( in an almost obsessive way) but now spends his time researching trivia on wiki & repeatedly watching British comedies.Top Gear is his all time favorite, having watched every episode dozens of times.

I believe him to be job ready, but finding that initial job is our challenge. We have consulted numerous agencies but they all seem to fizzle out unless I nag my son to contact them, which I am trying to avoid.

Fortunately he does receive disability funds from the province, but having an "occupation" during his days would be most beneficial.

He enjoyed volunteering at Habitat for Humanity but became bored with the mundane tasks. S is in the process of getting a volunteer position at a local hospital but they said that what he can do is limited due to his poor social skills & lack of initiative.

That's our story.

Guildmom,

That does help. Did he quit the paper job so he could go back to school? Did he seem to be happy when he was employed? Mundane tasks are hard for an aspie. My son complains all the time when he has to do something he views as tedious. That is par, I think.

If I am understanding you right, he is currently in school, yes? So is he looking for employment for after he has completed the school term, or for a job to do simultaneously with school?

I do not know your son, but maybe both at one time could be too much?

Another thing, and I am sure you have thought about it, is that he could ask a prof that he likes for advice to get a job in his field. Aspies often do great with mentors who share their special interests, and it would be good for him to cultivate such a relationship if he can.

Hi Guildmum,

Based on what you've written, it seems as if he doesn't need too much "workshop," type of situations. He has had a taste of independence: he has gone away to school for a whole year and, by and large, succeeded for that year (even if he failed 2 credits because he didn't ask for help). Is there a chance he could go back to get the Arts and Sciences degree?

How does he feel about the tasks involved in being a Food Service Worker? As stated previously, Aspies tend not to like mundane tasks-but, perhaps, he goes against the "Aspie grain," in that sense. If he doesn't mind this wort of work, he could use the Food Service certificate to obtain employment in this field, while he continues going toward other degrees. He'd be living at home, thus assuring continued support. He would have his own money, perhaps contributing some toward the household expenses. There's no shame in being employed at a "menial" job, and going to school. He could hold his head up high.

I would assume that the Arts and Sciences Degree is equivalent to an Associates in the US. Perhaps, after he obtains that degree, he could go on to University, so he could obtain his 4-year degree. If he has an official diagnosis, I believe he would be able to receive accommodations at all educational levels; if it is not too expensive, I would take advantage of all that is offered in the way of accommodations.

My son is doing the practical component of his FSW course, so he is finished in 3 weeks. He is hoping to find work after this. He still does the paper route to keep up an employment record. Believe me, I would LOVE for him to be able to quit that one. It breaks my heart to see him work so hard for a few dollars. It is such exploitation.

We looked at him returning to college to finish the arts & science course, but they insist he take a full time course load to be able to retake the credits. It is also a distance from home, which means paying for at least 8 months of accommodation.

One of the profs from the FSW course has offered him a good reference. I know he would be a fantastic employee if only he could get an interview & impress the employer with his conscienciousness. We would need to work on his interview skills beforehand since he is quite awkward socially.

He has applied for jobs through my work but they have not contacted him so I assume that he has not got an interview. HR at work will not answer my emails to enquire about this.

Do they know about his disability? I would think in light of that they could make some adjustments for him, but perhaps that is unrealistic. In any case, it would be probably good in the long term to finish that if possible.

I take it from your use of the word "province" that you are in Canada? I read a story about about York and other universities in Ontario running special programs for autistic students.

Good luck with everything--it sounds like he is really doing very well and with a little help will go far.

Despite being born and raised in Alberta, and living here all my life, I've always felt that it's sort of a poor fit for me, aside from places like the more urban parts of Edmonton. We have a very masculine, workaholic, "work hard and play hard" culture here, and I'm not that type of person. I've been to BC a few times, and I really really like it there, though I've heard that it is an expensive place to live. What is Ontario like compared to BC, overall?

Food issues as an interest...

Things to consider: More cooking, or production? Taste or sustainability? Or sort of all of it?

A few volunteering and job ideas that come to mind:

Volunteering at a community garden, soup kitchen, or animal rights organization. Or an organization against GMOs or for permaculture.
Playing freerice.com in his spare time. (Learn stuff and feed hungry people.)
Wwoofing: http://www.wwoof.ca/
Certain opportunities at: http://www.backdoorjobs.com/
Volunteering at a botanical garden or something if it's in your area.
My husband used to volunteer at a historical reenactment farm. You can find things to do at those that are food related.

Maybe try brainstorming together. Consider unconventional possibilities. Sometimes it takes an adventure to create a passion for life. Hope some of those are good, helpful directions.