At my wits' end over placement

Post Reply New Topic

Oh absolutely not. My entire family is not "normal" and I like it that way. This is one of the ways that the school will just fundamentally never understand where I, or the rest of my family, is coming from-- that we are NOT normal, nor do we care to be. That what my son "is" is not inherently "negative", or something to be "fixed". Yes, some of the behavior is problematic and he will benefit from understand his own needs and how to get along with other ("normal") people, because presumably he will have to interact with "normal" people in his life, even after he escapes his school years... but we don't see him as some kind of disabled tragedy. We think he's extraordinary. Is it so hard to comprehend that "atypical" is not synonymous with "disabled", or at least that the "disability" does not necessarily mean that the "disabled" person is secretly longing to be "normal?" All of this has really made me rethink the definition of "disabled", actually. About how contextual it can be, and how it's the majority who decides what the definition of disability is, in the given context. And the fact that my son is "disabled" in a factory-farm education environment is, to me, not necessarily a BAD thing, from a philosophical standpoint.

So no, I don't want him to be "normal". I want him to be happy and to like who he is. And I'm very aware that this school could be detrimental to that, if they are subtly "teaching" him that he is defective. But eh. I dunno. Don't we all "learn" that during the school years, in some form? And then (hopefully) "unlearn" it as we realize that being different might actually be a (gasp) GOOD thing? (Or, maybe a better way to put it is, to thrive with the positives of being different and learn how to manage the negatives.)

I was talking to the school psychologist one day, and I joked to him that I would have more answers next year, when my next son starts Kindergarten there... and I would see how HE does, because it's possible that this school is simply not a good fit for my FAMILY in general.... and I remarked that maybe I'm raising these free-thinking individualist weirdos (which I think is a good thing, although not so great for the school), and he laughed at that and said that of that, he had no doubt....

Regarding workbooks-- I also loved them. As much as I see a lot of myself in my son, and his needs, this is one area where we are really different. He doesn't seem to get any satisfaction out of proving his own knowledge, as I did. I really loved the validation of getting the "pat on the head" when I did a good job at school-- when I completed a task quickly and impressively. My son could give a crap about that. In that way he is like my brother, who was a genius and got lots of Ds and Fs in school because he didn't have any meaningful (to him) motivation to do busy-work.

I have to think that this is something that really sets him apart from most kids. When I ask myself, over and over, WHY most kids are so willing to do the work, I have to think that a lot of it is because they are trying to please the adults. They want that validation, where they are linking "following directions" with being a "good kid". Or doing well with being "good", whereas doing poorly means you are "bad". A big disappointment.

There is something more to it though... like others, I even enjoyed doing workbooks and filling out forms when it was not actually tied to anything meaningful. There was some kind of positive emotional feedback about it. It felt good. Whatever that is, my son definitely doesn't feel that way! The opposite in fact.

In a way, I almost see his attitude as the "healthier" one. Because he is not linking his self-worth to what he can "prove"-- to himself or to others. And isn't that a good thing? But unfortunately, school is all about "prove what you know". It's NOT about whether or not they are actually learning. And so while philosophically I actually sort of admire his response to these kinds of tasks, I nevertheless know that it will be problematic for him all throughout his school years, and maybe in his career, unless he's lucky enough to choose a career where these issues don't come into play. That doesn't mean that I want to try to change who he is, to make things "easier" on him ... but I do think he needs to be aware of his needs and differences and how to deal with them when faced with tasks that aren't fun or easy for him. The challenge, for me, is how to accomplish this without damaging his core confidence. That, again, being "different" isn't a bad thing, even when all the "normal" people around you might be causing you to feel that way, even unintentionally.....

I have to stick a big, fat AMEN onto the bolded text (OK, the whole post).

I went to preschool at "the best program in northcentral West Virginia." It was where all the doctors, and lawyers, and senators sent their kids. What did I learn there?? How to dodge rocks. That I was messed up. How to be good at playing alone. That Senator Mollohan's kid was just as messed up as his daddy (and for exactly the same reasons).

I went to K-8 in one of the better public schools in northcentral West Virginia. I guess I got a pretty good academic education, but I don't think it was anything I couldn't have gotten anywhere, or for that matter anything my family couldn't have taught me. I also learned to perfect my rock-dodging skill, and that I was not worthy of standing up for myself, and that I was "single-mommy ret*d welfare trash that ought to be dead." Really!! And this from the cream of the crop (and, I note, my father showed up every weekend, and paid child support faithfully, and half the town was on commodities when the mine shut down, and we were only on SSDI and FoodStamps after the cancer got too bad for my mom to hold a job-- she was a visiting nurse for Health and Human Resources before that, and we did pretty well-- it could have happened to anyone).

I went to one of the worst schools in the state for 9-12. Seriously-- they only got their accreditation back the year before I went there, and their standardized test scores were always within 5% of losing it again. I got a pretty good academic education there, too-- it was there for the taking if you wanted to learn. I also learned that NOT EVERYONE THREW ROCKS. I learned that I WAS A PERSON TOO. I learned that ACTUALLY A LOT OF FOLKS WOULD BE OK TO YOU IF YOU WERE JUST POLITE. I learned that A B ON A TEST DID NOT MEAN FAILURE AND WASN'T SOMETHING TO CRY OVER.

I walked out of the "good" public school a potential shooter, with the social skills of an 8-year-old, with a great academic record.

I walked out of the "bad" public school a much happier, saner, healthier person. With social skills of a 16-year-old, with a great academic record and a full scholarship to WVU.

Where my classmates told me none of us would make it, because we came from Hick High.

Guess what-- the vast majority of us did just fine. My co-salutatorian went to medical school. The valedictorian has some kind of government contracting job in Virginia and never comes home (to his mother's dismay). Another girl got into vet school in North Carolina. Another one became a dental hygienist, married her high school sweetheart, moved back up the holler, and had a bunch of kids.

And I married an engineering student from Florida and made more or less what it turned out I wanted to of myself (even if it isn't the PhD I could have earned, because I'd rather surround myself with hillbillies, thanks, I think they're smarter).

I can thank Hick High for that. Not Shiny Elementary and Middle, or Little Elbow Rubbers Pre-School.

One of the major problems with our current educational system is that the way it is structured allows for all kinds of selectivity bias. Most "good" schools either select students most likely to succeed or set themselves up either geograpically or by requiring admission paperwork to have the students most likely to succeed fall in their lap. Plus, "succeeding" schools tend to get more money in more different ways ("awards," "grants" PTA monetary support, etc.)

Sadly, it is very difficult to find a measure that will tell you how well YOUR child will do in any given school - not that this is impossible to do, just not with the system we have.

I?m sure that he will eventually need ?to be aware of his needs and differences and how to deal with them when faced with tasks that aren't fun or easy for him?? But not yet. We?re still talking about a seven-year-old. I would wait until you can appeal to the little professor. I think pushing it while he?s so young would do more harm than good.

What do you do?? I have a couple of different approaches:

My grandma (who somehow scraped up the $8 a day to send me to Little Elbow-Rubbers-- yes, $8 a day was a lot of money in a newly-defunct coal town in 1982) took the tactic of teaching me that my worth as a human being was directly equated to my marks in academics and behavior. That if I made a bad grade, or got in trouble, I was a shame to her, and a less worthwhile person, and would "end up a ditch digger" or "spend my whole life nothing but a garbage man." On the other side, when I did something right she would "shout it from the rooftops." And if I just made As and didn't mess anything up, she would shower me with generic praise.

It worked-- I'm pretty sure it's part of the reason that I'm STILL in therapy and seem to have "treatment-resistant piss-poor self-esteem," (in other words, I can like myself, but I refuse to), but I didn't quit, I was EXTREMELY careful about my grades and my behavior. I did the worksheets, and if I hated them then I learned to be accurate and fast, and I LIVED for that "pat on the head." Asperger's probably helped with the monotony of it all. Sometimes I'd forget and raise my hand and say something stupid and get laughed at. A couple of times I forgot and talked back to the bullies. In sixth grade, I decided I wasn't doing it any more and made two Ds (the teacher HATED unpopular kids-- we ALL had problems with her "losing" our assignments, and I decided I was not about to redo them again). Grandma s**t KITTENS.

My dad (who got custody of me after my mom died that year) grounded me for the whole summer, then relented when he realized that both the Ds were from the same teacher (the one I'd been crying about for two years) and the rest of the grades were As. But we sure spent the WHOLE DANG SUMMER talking about how some people are just s**ts, and will make your life hard. When those people are friends, you get rid of them. When they're family, you be polite and minimize the amount of time you spend around them. When they're bosses, you either take your grievance to the union or look for another job.

And when they're people you can't get rid of (like local cops, or teachers), you suck it up and do what you have to do to get through it, and be glad when you are shut of them. Because bad cops get transferred a lot, and you graduate eventually.

That was pretty much Daddy's MO-- we talked about it. And talked about it. And talked about it. He did not pay empty compliments-- but he did give a lot of genuine ones. He told me what he thought about what I did, and he told me what he thought about How It Is Out There, and he didn't do a whole lot of padding or lying or worrying about it. He wasn't a very good listener when I was young-- mostly, he talked. I got a chance to talk too, but mostly he talked.

I don't think I've read any parenting books that recommend Daddy's approach. And I note that I was older-- 12 and up. When I was little, I think the only method of behavior modification he had much actual luck with was bribery (he raised my allowance to $10 every two weeks, made a list of "stop behaviors," and fined me a quarter every time he caught me doing one of them). It was slow, and the school probably thought he was nuts (like the time in 8th grade that he got hauled in for a parent conference because I read Stephen King books and still sucked my thumb, and his response was, "I work midnight shift. You got me out of bed for THIS?? Is she disruptive?? Is she disrespectful?? No?? Then call me when you have a PROBLEM!")

Don't think I've read too many books that would suggest doing it thataway-- but it WORKED. I don't know how much of it was method and how much was timing...

...but the only thing Daddy ever did to land me in therapy was the way he died, and the only things I talk to my therapist about that have to do with Daddy are how cool he was, how much I wish I had the balls to be like him, how sorry I am that he died the way he did, and how much I miss him.

To recap: Talk. Talk and talk and talk and talk. I don't know what they call that in clinical terms (I guess it is sort of similar to dialectical behavioral therapy). Talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. With the school when you HAVE to, and with your kid the rest of the time.

I can't promise it will work. I can promise that, if it does, it will be slow. It worked with me. It seems to be working with my son (at least, until the high-stakes testing kicks in in third grade-- and then there is going to be a problem if he isn't a more careful reader and a better direction-follower, because the 87th Percentile is everything to these stupid people in this stupid "good" school in this stupid nanny state). So far. But-- it is slow, slow, so very very slow. Slower than molasses in Alaska. It's, like, the Stalagmite Method of Child Rearing.

^ I like to think I parent in much the same way as your father. It sounds like he was great!

Specific to tapping-- somewhere around second grade, I learned to tap my leg with my left hand, or tap the pencil against my cheek, because that didn't make noise. I can get where they're coming from not tolerating that-- if one kid does it, it's OK. But if one kid is allowed to do it, then ALL the kids will do it-- and if 25 kids tap their pencils, it's DEAFENING.

Our school is supposedly one of the best in the area (87th percentile on the PSSA, high rate of college attendance, only 16% of the kids on free lunch, and a bunch of other stupid statistics, blah-blah-blah-- yeah I miss our old school in Arkansas, where 67% of the kids were on free lunch and 16% went to college!! !). I have the same concerns with DS-ADHD.

One other thought: YES, I would homeschool a kid who did not want to be homeschooled. I would make every effort to get along with the school first. I would check out magnet programs, other public schools, and private schools first. And if all that fails, then yes, I would homeschool a kid who did not want to be homeschooled before I would put them and the rest of my family through 13 years of high-stress hell.

I'll put it this way: We're SFSG with the school for next year (second grade). If it goes to hell when the high-stakes testing kicks in...

...I've already rejected the local Christian school (She Who Bears The Womb Bears The Sin; also they charge $6500 per semester and don't seem to invest it in curriculum or facilities and I ain't paying for Jack Chick tracts); the local Catholic school ain't looking much better (though I do note that THEY charge $1500 a YEAR if you are not a parishioner, and appear to spend a lot more money on their campus and curriculum tools). I need to put in calls to Beaver Falls (downside: high rate of gang-related activity in middle school), Patterson ("the disabled school," but I have hopes as it is TINY and I get a 'good vibe' watching the kids there play-- it's across from our insurance agent's office) and Ellwood City (probably the same attitude as our school, but like 10 minutes away and proudly blue-collar).

And if that doesn't work?? http://www.K12.com/Pennsylvania I figure that will get me through the first couple of years, until I learn to build a curriculum and navigate the regulations in a state that is really hostile to homeschooling. I will YANK HIM OUT and we will homeschool until he matures enough for impulse control to kick in. ABSOLUTELY!! !!

Another thought: In my kid's case, I am really considering medicating. Because ADHD is thought to be a lack-of-dopamine issue (which is why they move all the time, and actually pay attention better when they're moving-- movement makes dopamine, and it's really hard to think without enough of it), and I have tried to navigate life without enough dopamine (antipsychotics are universally D2 dopamine antagonists), and it was HORRIBLE.

It doesn't have jack to do with fixing his behavior, or making the school feel better. It has to do with, if sitting still makes that sunshiny, delightful little rainbow of my heart feel ANYTHING, even a little bit, like how I felt on risperidone, I will do PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING to fix it for him. Because that was HELL.

Yes I hear you on this. It's something I have to remind myself of, often, because he is sort of on the cusp of being able to just Talk Straight to him about many of these things (and, like BuyerBeware's dad, I tend to just talk, talk, talk to him, and not sugar-coat stuff, because that's just the way my family does stuff.... like, I tend to be very pragmatic in my explanations... so instead of saying, for example, "you have to do work quickly and score well so that you can get a good job and make us proud," I might say something like, "you ought to learn how to work quickly and score well so that the teacher will stop bugging you, and so that you will have more time to do the stuff that YOU want to do." And I know that a lot of people may think I'm teaching him to be cynical, or a smart-ass, but eh.... to me it just feels like I'm being honest.)

But, he is only seven, and I can see that sometimes he's just not ready to hear it. Or he's ready to think about it intellectually when it's NOT in the Moment, but he's definitely not ready to Apply it in the Moment. (And, I mean, that's something adults struggle with, so I can't figure out why children are expected to be expert self-regulators already in Kindergarten, and Jedi Masters by 2nd and 3rd grade....) And when it comes to something that's REALLY difficult to change, like perfectionism, then saying stuff like "you should do X (or NOT do Y) because it will make you feel better in the long run, I promise," is sort of meaningless in the moment, even if on some level it makes sense to him. I do believe in cognitive behavioral therapy for things like perfectionism, but it takes time and and it requires a lot of consistency. The school seems to be willing to supply neither-- they want the magic solution that will work the first time, and every time. One of their biggest complaints (and they ARE complaints) is that he gets "stuck" too much, and they don't know how to get him "unstuck". So they are basically giving up and want to put him somewhere where he won't stress any of THEM out when he gets stuck.

I've been doing a sort of "homeschool summer school" with him in the mornings... (I said "thanks, but NO THANKS" to the horrible, awful Spec Ed summer session they offered to us again, which did him way more harm than good last summer)... I'm basically just trying to train him how to "Be a Student", really straightforward, just letting him know what will be expected in 2nd grade, without making it a total drag or ruining his summer vacation. And trying to do some cognitive behavioral therapy on him in the process... figure out ways that HE can get himself "unstuck"... but -sigh- sometimes I just feel like I shouldn't be doing any of this... I can't tell if I'm helping him (preparing him so that he'll have a better time next year), or just putting my own form of pressure on him, as well-intentioned as it may be.