Negative, non-compliant, miserable almost 4-yo

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This is good advice, and will probably still be good advice when the OP's son is much older. My son is nearly 9 and I still need to talk to him this way. I usually have to add "now" to the end of directions, as well. Otherwise he thinks any point in the future will be fine.

Unless you have a kid who predictably will ask "why" after each directive.

In our case, we found it easier to give the reason at the same time as the directive. Compliance goes better for us when he knows why and we never had good luck with the simple directive approach b/c consequences would not help if he did not know the reason. He will do as he is told promptly without question when I use my emergency safety issue voice b/c I do not abuse it. Everything else requires reasons.

We have short catch versions for the ones he has already heard (usually multiple times) and will explain the directive further, when asked.

Some kids will do this as a stalling technique, so as usual you have to know your kid. With us it is still faster than trying it the regular way.

I have noticed when my 4yr has a major leap in some ability you see some behavior issues. He just started to spontaneously read a few weeks ago and then next thing you know he started hitting his ABA BI. Not because he was mad, but more because he wanted attention and suddenly didn't know how to get it. He also has really lost his patience for non preferred activities. There have been other examples throughout his life too.

If you add together a rough year, stress in the house, loss of attention because you have a moving 1yr and leaps in abilities, it might look like what you are describing. Everybody had great suggestions. I would repeat the visual schedule, it is a great way to move through the day and you don't tell him what to do, the schedule does. He might be missing that structure from school, even if he doesn't miss much else. Also you might try a choice board. He might go back and forth, but at least he is picking himself.

However if is continues to be this really unhappy kid and he wasn't before, I would find help for him. Some kids are built to be grumpy kids, my NT sister was like that, but the rapid change could be bigger sign of something.

It think the lavender bubble bath is brilliant.

We have had a number of changes lately. He's so much more into his fantasy world now... he spends a lot of time talking in different voices that belong to characters from tv shows and books that he likes. It's taken on an interesting twist with his new love of Yo Gabba Gabba (thanks to those who recommended that show in another thread). He is completely fascinated with the hills and trees with faces in the background- they sometimes are part of the skits but are mostly just in the background. Lately he likes to pretend that objects around the house say certain things in weird voices, and outside he spends lots of time "talking with the trees". Another thing he spends loads of time doing now is drawing on a whiteboard and chalkboard (he gets upset at not being able to erase mistakes quickly and easily on paper). These two activities take up a lot of his day and we've been joining in with him sometimes, which he enjoys. (He sometimes like to play instructor as he draws, like the guy that draws on YGG)

And these are pretty big changes for him- we haven't ever seen him engage in so much fantasy play or art. He has put on hold his recent special interests and this is the new thing. His drawings are really strange, abstract and intricate- I've started taking photos of them before he erases them. There is one that he spent about 40 minutes on, with intricate squiggles and circle patterns- I couldn't figure it out. I was looking at the picture of it and he said "You have a picture of my octopus!" And looking at it- sure enough, it looked like an octopus swirling its tentacles in water. Pretty amazing stuff.

He's got NO patience at all anymore for non-preferred activities. I'm hoping a low-stress summer full of lots of fun will get him ready to get back to "work" again next fall. I know he needs a break- we all do.

Yeah, we've gotten good at this at home too. His preschool teacher just could not handle it. She was one of those people who likes to teach to have people to listen to her. Too much talk. I came to pick up my son a few times in the beginning to find her practically giving him a sermon- using simple language but just going ON and ON pressing her stupid point. I was like, he stopped listening to you ages ago- he's THREE! Idiot.

This is very good! If you son likes the computer, may I suggest Paint and PowerPoint. My son loves to teach in Paint like Sal from Khan Academy. He also loves to make artistic PowerPoints. The mouse is easier for him than writing with non-digital media.



Edited b/c I somehow put the comments in the middle of your quote instead of deleting some stuff after. I need sleep. LOL

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 18 Jun 2014, 8:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

In my non-professional opinion, this looks like a huge leap in language development and social skills - I remember doing this as a kid, and my son did, too (he didn't have the benefit of a diagnosis.) It's easier to talk to imaginary people (or things) because you can practice all kinds of different scenarios and since they're yours, they behave in a predictable way. For kids who learn speech through scripting (like my son and I do) this is a good thing. Google "scripting" and "echolalia," what you're seeing is a much more complicated version that they don't really discuss much clinically, but IMO it has the same roots.

It takes a LOT of concentration to do what he's doing, so it's no wonder he's fighting you so hard - he's doing his best to catch up with the language skills he needs. Not that it makes your life easier.

I think this is true; little kids can be difficult when they start to realize they are somewhat autonomous and can say "no." Maybe the choices thing is related to control, like he feels overwhelmed and wants to be able to exert his will over something.

Just thinking out loud here. I'm a fan of the montessori approach:

Are things set up at home so he can start doing things a little more independently? Like having his coloring stuff accessable so he can get it when he wants it, instead of you having to get it down? Or having a water bottle and healthy snacks in the fridge that he can get to them himself when he's hungry? This might help you feel less stressed and help him feel like he has control over things that are important to him.

Recently I gave my very disagreeable (undiagnosed but probably aspie) 4-year-old a "very special job." I told her that there was a job she could do to help out our family that only she could do because she is the best person in the family at lining things up, and then I asked her to organize all of our shoes on the shoe rack by our front door. She was thrilled, and actually did it. Kids like to feel that they are an important part of the family with a special role, even when they are little.