I feel like I've become conditioned

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In elkclan's defense, I don't think she'd still be stewing about it if DH and the MIL weren't generally pretty foul to her on a daily basis.

I know my in-laws and some of my relatives have done/said things that should have rolled right off my back...

...and would have if they hadn't hit a sore spot that seemed to be a sore spot that they were bound and determined to hammer at regularly (on an every-other-conversation basis) with the apparent aim of turning into lethal wounds.

It's a lot easier to forgive an inappropriate criticism, or a statement of fact that turned into a criticism, if it doesn't hit an already sore spot or come from someone that is (or appears to be) hell-bent on chiseling all the supports from under your self-worth.

I know my in-laws loathe and resent me for my stance on finances and debt (live below your means if you can do so and sustain vital functions, take out as little as humanly possible, and make it go away at double-plus-full-steam-ahead). I've learned to just not talk about it. Why?? Because they always did like new toys and the finer things in life, and the bottom fell out for them when the steel industry went belly-up. Middle-class to subpoverty overnight, with four kids in tow. They elevated their status (read: kept themselves afloat and off welfare) with credit cards...

...and when things improved somewhat and the three older kids moved out, they improved their standard of living and kept digging the hole instead of attacking the debt with both fists. Did I judge them as "bad" for the choices they made?? HELL NO. Some of the choices were the best they could do at the time (keeping food on the table, a roof over the table, and the lights on courtesy of Lady Visa and Master Card), and some of them were pretty common, if pretty not great, choices (like buying a bigger TV and an extended cable package and eating out a lot instead of doing the Dave Ramsey thing). I merely foolishly expressed a vehement desire to make, and significant pride in myself for enabling us to make, different decisions in front of them. Some of the CHOICES might have been crappy, but I still thought (and said) that they were excellent PEOPLE.

Eventually, I learned that saying that you think you're doing things in the way that is best in your opinion is called "tooting one's own horn" (no matter how much you equivocate and state that it is only your opinion). Unless I need advice, I try not to talk about how I do things or what I think. Unless they say they don't think they are doing well and ask for advice, I just tell people that the way they are doing things is awesome (unless, as I said, they are putting life, health, or safety at significant immediate risk-- the difference between "Please stop smoking IN BED" and "Please stop smoking" or "Please stop drinking AND DRIVING" and "Please stop drinking").

I wish it was possible to disapprove of and dislike someone's choices (clothing, behavior, lifestyle, whatever) without it being necessarily implied that you disapprove of and dislike THEM. We all make silly choices, do silly things, and flub stuff up...

...and remain perfectly good people. But psychology doesn't seem to work that way.

I don't spend my days fretting about that Thanksgiving episode, but it probably did make me more reluctant to entertain - not knowing what was coming out of his mouth. (Never mind the disappearing acts, etc) It's only through the retrospective lens of ASD that I can see why he said things like that and understand his behaviour. At the time, I'm not even sure I'd ever heard of Aspergers! The criticism of the rolls mattered less than him saying it in front of guests and then when one of my guests (who was clearly pretty shocked by his behaviour) said she thought they were really delicious and he dug in further to explain what was wrong with them in great detail. It's not that I didn't know they were sub-par, I did! Goodness knows he's said much, much worse to me. This is an example of where someone is making an observation that was probably (in a weird way) meant to be helpful, but ended up being really hurtful.

My MIL, on the other hand, seems to be more likely to make comments in front of others because she's learned that people are less likely to call her out on that behaviour. I could be wrong on that though.

BB - I do know what you mean by people not accepting that you can just have a difference of opinion about lifestyle. I remember being attacked by a colleague who basically accused me of being a snob when I said I don't watch British soaps. She had a brother who was a writer for one of them and she was very proud of this. I always tried to make suitable appreciative noises when she mentioned he had a big episode coming up, because I do know how big a deal they are and his one was one of the top two. She once asked me if I would be watching and said I didn't watch that show and I didn't really watch any British soaps. She made a sarcastic comment about me being a snob. As it happens, I watch both the most intellectual type of tv and the least - with very little in-between (which is where I'd put that soap) - so I can hardly judge others' viewing and nor would I want to. It's a question of taste. Just because I don't like something doesn't mean that I can't respect that others get enjoyment out of doing so. But often people seem to take difference as a personal affront.

My first post here.
I originally came here looking for parenting advice / support as two of my kids often behave in somewhat challenging ways that match what others here describe as typical of ASD. Started reading around a bit to get a feel for this forum before jumping in, but after seeing the OP I feel it's time to join the fray.

So, superpentil, thanks for writing here, it's doing me good to read this and some of your other threads as well. I've thought similar things many times - specifically these 2 things:

I don't mean to be derogatory; I just don't know a way that I'm sure is nice to say it.

Normal social relationships are ABOUT THE EGO. Not quite entirely, but more (much more) than 50%. Friends protect the ego; enemies attack it. If you don't protect it, that puts you in the enemy category.

You can choose to do that, or not, as you see fit. But please understand that there's a price to pay for not protecting the ego, which is that you will be on your own in a hostile world.

Yes, I realize that there's a price to pay for choosing to protect it too-- you end up like me. A sold-out, exhausted, mealy-mouthed toady who's constantly on edge and permanently terrified to tell the truth to anyone IRL.

Woah, first post and I've already put my foot in my mouth!
Apologies if I offended anyone.

I saw the OP and got a bit soft in the brain, somehow I assumed that everyone here thinks exactly like me and I can just say what I think unfiltered, with no fear of giving offence or being misunderstood.

In the scenario with the unwanted invitation, the person who asked me to make up a white lie was not the one who invited me - it was someone who was also invited, and far less inclined to come than I was. There was also a strong suspicion, from previous experience, that a simple, polite but truthful answer would not be accepted.
Because I got a bit soft in the brain I somehow assumed that y'all automagically know this without me having to say it.

The whole bit about "protecting so-called grown-up's fragile little egos" is how I phrase it to myself, in my own head, sometimes, when I'm angry; also sometimes when venting about the whole thing to others, 3rd parties with robust egos who know that I'm not talking or implying anything about them.
I have been known to say, after a long and exasperating conversation, something along the lines of: "Look, you've known me for so many years, you know I'm not out to hurt you in any way, so will you PLEASE put your fragile ego aside and think with your *brain* for JUST ONE MINUTE, because there's this really important thing you need to understand". It has always been highly counterproductive. Don't try this at home folks!

Also, I've been in situations where it seemed to me like person I'm talking to doesn't give a damn about the actual content or meaning of what I'm saying, even when it's stuff that directly affects them and would be useful for them to know, but instead it seems as if they are just going through each of my statements with an extremely fine toothcomb looking for anything that could possibly construed as an attack on their, well, yeah, fragile little ego. Like being cross-examined by a bunch of hostile lawyers or something. The thing is, these are generally people I know well, I know they're good people who've been good to me and I've done my best to be good to them, but after I somehow managed to unintentionally and inadvertently offend them they become like that. And there's no to snap out of it, no matter how profusely I apologize. It's like a slo-mo train wreck... "Old Charlie stole the handle and the train it won't stop going, no way to slow down." Jethro Tull anyone?

BTW, what's the etiquette around here with regards to going off-topic? I feel like I've hijacked superpentil's thread now. Is there another more suitable place for my train wreck angst?

I don't think you've offended anyone, nor gone too far off topic.
If you really want to have a good rant, though, try "The Haven". That's the place you can get all emotional and people will (supposedly) go easy on you.
Or try "Politics, Philosophy, and Religion" if your rant falls into one of those categories. That's the place to go for a good knock-down, drag-out argument.

Hey Yippie, it's you again!
Taking good care of this noob on all threads, eh?
You seem like a nice person and I'm glad you're talking to me.