"So I just need to accept I have an autistic son" :(

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I've told her many times I really appreciate how much more understanding and "gets it" she is compared to most people here, it really does amaze me and I love her so much for that in addition to everything else.

I think she has problems with her own ideas of child rearing in her head, not even other people. Like today our son was having a meltdown for no describable reason, neither of us could figure out why he was crying and kicking the wall and all attempts at getting him to show us failed and getting his attention on something else. After about thirty minutes my wife said she just couldn't listen to this anymore without wanting to spank him, shes knows what a meltdown is and she knows spanking would be pointless, but she says in her mind it is just so so ridiculous to let a child behave like this. That she herself, and everyone she has ever known would have deserved a spanking for this behavior. She was just getting angry because in her mind she finds ignoring him ridiculous, she feels like it goes against everything she has ever known. That she feels like he is getting away with stuff no other child would, that maybe we are fools to let him whether he is different or not. She didn't spank him but she did yell at him to stop crying which just made the meltdown worse, it comes easy to e dealing with him but she is trying as hard as she can. This isn't her idea of what parenting is.

I think this ties into other stuff too, like she knows and agrees that autistic kids need a totally different treatment from NT kids intellectually, but emotionally she feels it is wrong or ridiculous. Like if I told her to help him she needs to dress like a clown and dance for six hours daily<(this is a fictional analogy of course), she finds it too ridiculous to actually do. And it doesn't have anything to do with another person judging, just her own internal thoughts.

We both remember a segment on a local consumer advocate, crime solvers program where the host went to a families house with a possibly autistic 18 year old son(they said he was mentally ret*d but that term is used for everything here) the mother wanted the government to help more money wise because she wanted her son at home not in an institution. She was crying and it was hard not to feel sorry for her, she said they both had to work and their son was alone all day and she was too embarrassed to go in public with him because of judgement.

The room he lived in the house was a <locked> cage, he was totally naked(they blurred it out) and there wasn't a single object in the room and the walls were bare. They did not even let him out or dress him for the segment, he had no books or toys or anything and I have no idea how he uses the toilet. They said they leave him in there all day while they work. It was absolutely disgusting and sickening a human being was treated this way, and the segment focused on the crying mom and how horrible her life is. We still talk about and mention that guy, I try to remind my wife when she starts going on about how people will talk and it will be embarrassing if people see my son doing something harmless. Like until very recently he liked drinking milk and baby cereal from a baby bottle,only that drink but had to be in his old bottle,and my wife felt embarrassed if someone would see him using it. I try to tell her local attitudes are s**t, and you see what being embarrassed of your child leads to? She agrees with me.

Hell the other day she told me that guy is probably 23 now and still living in his bare cage 24/7, depressed me all day thinking of it.

My wife has a half sister she has never really seen or grown up around who ran away from an abusive family guardian, my wife said she is classified officially as mentally ret*d and receives a government check monthly. She has talked to her on the phone since they were teens, and I asked my wife if she seemed mentally disabled.My wife said not really, so I asked then why is she classified as MR? My wife said because people think she looks MR, I said huh how can you look MR? She talked more and I suddenly realized she seemed to be describing cerebal palsy! I pulled up pics and vids of people with CP and my wife said yes exactly like that.

Thats the kind of state of health care and awareness.


EDIT: Forgot to add she feels almost that by ignoring meltdowns I am treating my son less then he is or deserves. Like she feels he is understanding and competent enough to be scolded for it, and I am treating him less than a regular kid. She finds it kind of insulting.

And then in other ways she says I am too wreck-less with him, but I feel he is competent enough and has earned the way I treat him. And I feel she is treating him as less competent than he deserves and I feel it is insulting. Like say in Mcdonalds while I order I let him go to the play area as long as we can see each other (he won't stay somewhere he can't see me anyway) and I feel he is fine. She would prefer holding his hand, saying what if he tried to dash out the door,but I tell her I taught him never to do that and he never has so I trust him.

I have had feelings similar to your wife. I have often wondered if I am "letting them get away with it" as opposed to "accommodating" them. Heck, sometimes I am pretty sure that I did let them get away with behavior that they probably had more control over than I gave them credit for. And I do think your wife has a point there. It has only been within the last year or so that my son has found his "voice" to let me know that I coddle him too much. He is offended by it. I am quite certain when he was younger, I probably held him back by underestimating what he was capable of. So I get where your wife is coming from.

Here is what has helped me with it: When I was a child, no one knew girls could have ADD. It was for hyperactive, delinquent boys. Not smart, generally well-behaved girls. I was often punished for things that I had no control over, only I didn't know I had no control over it. I thought I must be lazy, bad, defiant, <insert other descriptor>, why else wouldn't I do what was asked of me? Clearly I was smart, so it must be because I was bad. This lead to a whole host of problems for me as I grew up and as I became an independent young woman. It took me years to undo the damage that was done. To come to terms with the fact that certain things I do, I do because of the way I am wired. That doesn't mean that I don't have to learn to compensate for them, but it's "not within my nature" to do so easily. This helps me when dealing with my kids, because I know what it is like to be blamed for something you are helpless to control, and remembering how bad I felt deep inside myself...well, I don't want my kids to feel that way.

What I think I am trying to say is, would it help your wife if she thought in terms of long-term consequences instead of short-term ones? Meaning, what is the long-term consequence of holding a child accountable for something they cannot control vs. the long-term consequence of letting a child get away with something on occasion? Would she be able to see that most of the time, you are probably accommodating, so there are probably relatively few instances of letting him get away with it? As opposed to seeing the opposite: by holding him accountable on the few instances where he "deserves it," you would also be holding him accountable for the majority of the time when he really can't help it. Does this make sense?

Lastly, I bet there is a lot of us who have the same internal struggles your wife has when it comes to discipline. I do not spank my kids. But I would be lying if I said the urge has never welled up inside of me. Sometimes, when all else has failed, you feel desperate. Especially if you are finding yourself on edge. Your wife, and you, can go easy on her regarding this. I don't think it is that uncommon. You just have to find a way to keep your wits about you when you are at that point. The quote that helps me during these times (I don't know if it is a real quote or just something my friend said to me) "The true testament of a mother's love is in her ability to love her kids the most when they deserve it the least." It helps me dig deep inside and find the love they need, even when I feel frazzled.

You'd probably have this particular disagreement even if he was NT. Quite common for Mom to be more protective and Dad to let kids spread their wings a bit more.

The push-pull of whether you are accommodating or enabling is really, really difficult.

I often try to frame things this way: I imagine a physical disability that would produce the same result in a child, and then I ask myself if I would behave differently in that case.

For instance, if my child was blind instead of having poor proprioperception, how would I react if he bumped into things or knocked things over? One can still expect a blind person to move around in the world, but the expectations are different: you automatically offer a longer learning curve and "help" a lot more, right?

Or, if my child had, say, severe arthritis instead of poor fine motor skills...or if they were deaf and had to learn to speak...etc.

We forget that autism works like many other disabilities, in that it makes specific things harder. Problem is, we don't *see* how hard it is, and it's easy to forget. Offering accommodation and a longer learning curve is a natural thing to do.

I think, also, what was said earlier about PECS being a lousy substitute for spoken language is important, and it speaks to something else about human nature: nobody really wants to be dependant on other people. Kids want to learn and grow and be able to advocate for themselves.

I believe that the idea that people accept accommodation willingly, or prefer accommodations, is a straw man argument. Case in point: have you ever tried to put socks on an NT three-year-old? The biggest source of toddler temper tantrums is "WANT TO DO IT MYSELF." I believe all our kids want to do it themselves, too - but there are so many more obstacles for them, not the least of which is expressing that feeling, right?

I agree.

One way to frame it may be that you are never "doing nothing." You are always trying to figure out the best way to teach your child the self-control it will take to stop the difficult behaviors. Has your wife been observing the lead-in process to the meltdowns? Can she see the signs? That is the time to act: BEFORE the meltdown, helping your child mitigate it. It isn't about "doing nothing," but about doing what is most likely to obtain the long-term results you need.

Perhaps she would find it helpful to move her own thoughts immediately into an analysis phase, trying to remember everything that had been going on for the past twelve or twenty four hours, and what signs of stress she might have missed. Beginning a situational autopsy, which she will later work through again with the child, to fill in details from his perspective. Then, at least, she will feel she is an action phase of sorts.

There are times it is very trying, without a doubt, no matter how much you know. I can't imagine living somewhere like you do, that is so strongly in contradiction to the way you need to raise your unique child.