Any advice for my 6 year old's anger?

Post Reply New Topic

Serious Girl--I totally understand where you're coming from--not your life, obviously--but I mean that this is a serious matter. I am here because I'm trying to do just what you said--gather information from people who've been through it. I can see that you are trying to help by making sure people know there is a lot of work involved and that it isn't pretty. But I can probably speak for most that that doesn't really help matters. To tell me that my son may commit suicide and that I've started late when he's age 6 is a thought of yours that I didn't need shared. I'm aware of the downsides and sad possiblities, but I am trying to look at what I can do to avoid those things. I'm only doing what I can do.

I've had people all along--since he was 3--tell me that he's fine. I've had people come observe him, I've had the preschool teachers, who have worked with kids with disabilites, tell me he's fine. I've had my ped tell me he's probably fine, to wait another year or so before I really looked into it. I've had my friend who has a 5 year old with autism tell me that she was always on the fence with him, it never seemed completely clear that we are dealing with anything like that. So. That said, I am a good parent for trusting my own gut feeling, going against what everyone else has said, and having him assessed at the young age of 6. If I had taken him in any earlier they probably would have said--bring him back when he's a bit older.

But of course you can't know this--or can anyone else on here--because I haven't said that. I haven't told every detail of what we've been going through. I'm not ignorant enough to just take everyone's advice and run off and do it. I'm just gathering information so I can get the best for my child. I'm glad you were able to start so young with your child. But yours is different than mine. I'd love it for people to share what worked for them, not tell me what to do for my kid. I love my child more than anything and I will do anything to help him. I think that's all I need to say, really. And I don't feel like I need to defend myself on a forum. good grief.

Suz, I'm not saying you are a bad parent at all. But I am simply trying to stress that you cannot be anything but aggressive in dealing with this. You are going to grieve, you are going to need professional help.

If you do get the right help, including psychological and educational, then the chances for your son having a happy and productive life are so much greater and the chances of him becoming hopelessly lost and depressed are diminished.

It just bothers me to no end when someone says that some children with AS have few problems. All kids with AS will have significant problems and the best thing to do is head them off.

I apologize for my strong words, but you were being fed a load of baloney. You have a lot of control over what happens in your child's life.

He's entitled to services under IDEA and Section 504. You need to visit the Wrightslaw site and understand your child's rights. You need an independent IEP assessment from an developmental psychologist because the school system will do every thing they can to give your child as little as they can get away with. You need to be aware of this.

I wish you only the best and I certainly have walked in your shoes - twice!

I am not even going to bother commenting to the nastiness you are exuding.

As for a move not being avoidable, sometimes it bloody well is true. Sometimes people loose their jobs, and have to move in order to provide for their families. Sometimes like the position my family is in, the company moves locations, and leaves a husband commuting over an hour and a half one way to get to work and in the best interests of EVERYONE INCLUDING THE CHILD WITH AS FOR THE FAMILY TO MOVE.

And it is true that if a child is raised in a loving and informed home with parents that understand about AS and are able to head off a lot of problems and provide an environment that does not rip apart at a childs very core, they CAN avoid some of the more serious problems that come with AS. Maybe not in all situations, but having AS is not an automatic sentence to severe and debilitating problems as a young adult.

As for only finding out about AS in January, well, true, that is the date of my Childs official DX, and the date that I begun talking to a lot of people about it and reading about it, and educating myself, and I don't know everything yet, in fact I doubt I ever will. Not withstanding, my child did not develop AS in January, I have been raising him for 12 years now, often employing some very untraditional methods to help him, like home schooling, or shadowing him with peer relationships and modifying curriculum expectations in ways that HELP him. I figured out the hard way what works and does not work with him, and a lot of the things that work, are adaptations that I employed due to his AS.

I have done a lot of things wrong, and a few things right. People ask for the opinions of others, I am just sharing what I know. You are free to offer your opinions too, that is why this site is a FORUM and not a Question and answer list.

There is no reason to get nasty.

Serious Girl, thank you for your apology. I think we all get emotional when it come to our kids--they are our hearts, our lives.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I need to have hope now, that's all I can hang on to.

Well, at the risk of being lynched, I am going to "throw out another opinion that I am thinking at the moment".

The stats Atwood has are bad, there is no doubt. However, considering that As was only recognized by the medical community in 1994, the majority of Adults who have AS are very likely not diagnosed. It is said all the time, "As is not a new phenomenon, rather it was not diagnosed before, Apies where considered odd or eccentric or introverted, or any other number of things, not "autistic".

So, who is getting DX'ed as an adult? Is it possible that those who have found a way to function don't bother? Would that not mean that looking at adult numbers, the 80% unemployment is representative of the people who have reason to seek a diagnosis?

Similarly, the depression could be skewed too. Those who have debilitating depression may seek treatment and the AS label is place on them by a professional who recognizes it in them, or even someone who is depressed and feels debilitated compared to others may go looking for answers as to "why" they are the way they are.

Also, how many adults that are depressed and unable to work due to AS grew up in homes and schools where they where written off as brats, or trouble makers, or grossly misunderstood? How many did not receive the consideration and accommodations that would have helped them? How many of them had parents and professionals try therapies or practices that usually work on the struggling NT child but typically don't get through to the child with AS?

How many adults with AS living today, received the help and support they needed to make the most out of their lives?

I think a child who is DXed even at 6 is in a much better position then those that go another 6+ years without a dx. Nothing is written in stone, nothing is certain.

Suz,

I agree wholeheartedly that we have to have hope for our children. Hence my screen name. I think it is important for us to be aware of the down side of AS and the things that "might" happen, but I don't think it needs to be the major focus. After all, as you said, not all of our children are the same, (and not all of them will be one of the negative statistics). If this helps give you and your son hope, when you discuss AS with your child, be sure to mention role models of people with AS as well, such as Bill Gates, Dan Akkroyd, Abraham Lincoln, Michelangeo and Einstein. It gives him hope, and it gives you hope.

As for your "late" dx, my son was diagonsed at 7, and I am discovering that the age at which he was diagnosed has not had a negative impact on him. He has made incredible strides -- his teacher last year was suggesting we get him an aide to help him stay focused, and this year, he finishes all his work in class. He has several NT friends, and and two aspie friends. He gets invitied to birthday parties, and he loves school - even at the social level. He feels good about himself - in part because of his AS! - because we teach him about the positive side of it, and that it is okay to be different. I know this thread is not about my son or Bill Gates, but I wanted to offer you the hope you are looking for - as a counterpoint to some of the harsh realities that are hard to look at.

In my experience, one of the things that you can help your son is to leave him in the school he is in. As someone earlier said, it would be like starting at ground zero on the social level, and since that is the area our kids tend to find the most challenging, you will be doing him a big favor by not adding the additional stress of starting all over again socially. The public schools must offer services to your son; services private schools (at least in my area) don't have. Move him only if the environment he is currently in is unbearable.

fwiw, I know that it is hard on the parent to learn more about AS, because it is so hard to think about the negative impact AS could have on our beloved child(ren). We do need to be informed, but we don't need to focus on it. Please continue to focus on your son being a part of the statistics that are positive, and give energy to that. Why worry about the negatives, when you don't even know they would happen? Embrace the positives, and you are more likely to move in that direction.

btw - you have a pm

hopeful4ian

Suz,
When I was waiting for 13, AS to be diagnosed I did a lot of reading. It took me longest to read the first book because I would have to put it down when my emotions got the best of me. First it was everyday, then on Saturdays (don't know why) and soon it was only once every few weeks. I would leave it until I could deal with it again. In the in-between I read about funding laws, and the rights of special needs children and advocacy, you name it. It has been almost a year, but every now again the sadness comes back that my children will always always have it a little harder than I had wanted for them. I know they are strong and doing very well but it is a mother's sadness. I allow myself to feel it for an hour or a day and then get on with my responsibilities. It has gotten to be less and not as sorrowful but it will always be there.
Don't forget to take care of you, too!

This site is full of teens and young adults with damaged lives and there are plenty of dino aspie life stories to be read. Aside from Einstein and Gates (very questionable), I'm sure you would find a large number of aspies in the alcoholic homeless population too. Go over to FAAAS.org and read that site for a while and you'll get a feel of what can happen with undiagnosed AS.

The important thing is not to gamble, to be an advocate, to procure the best services for the child at the earliest age. I've watched children on the spectrum grow up and I can't thing of a single one who doesn't have significant problems right now, including my own children, who have had the best of services. My children are very happy and good natured and that has always been the most important thing, their happiness. But they still have a long way to go before they are ready to be functional adults who can support themselves.

Not a gloom and doom story, but just the truth.

I think it is important to remember that there is no such thing as...."an" AS person......we are each so different and have our own unique set of "traits".SOme of the very worst issues are not even written in the statistical manuel....hyper sensitivities,face blindness,Executive function problems,memory issues(more rare?),CAPD....on top of these....someone may also have a predisposition(chemical inbalance)that makes them more vulnerable to depression.

I think it is a big mistake to assume that AS is only difficulty reading non-verbal or being shy or having meltdowns.We do have some common experiences and perseptions ut we all are also coming from different places as to co-morbid issues....some are worse and some are less effected by these.Part of a DX,should also identify these issues and not just focus on teaching kids how to be more "Social and socialy exceptable" to thers...that is a very NT value...It's important but not the only important issue to address and certainly not the only one to effect someone as they grow up.