My 17 yr old with autism is cyber stalking girls

Post Reply New Topic

Pvj, I'm sorry and I hope everything gets better.

Thank you. He just called from school saying he doesn't feel well and requesting I pick him - so here we go again - this was last year: if he went to school it was late or he wanted to come back early due to not feeling well or he didn't go at all.

I'm just nearing the end of my rope. He's 18 in 6 mths. He can go with his dad or to a group home. I just can't be a hostage to his mental health anymore. At least I need a break.

Look up the old threads on here by Peter hoping44 and read his Grace Saunders encyclopedia dramatics entry. Then get your son to read them and explain that is what stalking and obsession leads to.

I'm in no way saying your kid will do that. I'm saying that some people do and it starts like this so maybe it will scare him into backing off.

Good luck. Nip this in the bud.

At seventeen, my parents hadn’t given me permission to go out with girls (they never did), and, in fact, I essentially never went out at all, nor was it very practical to try to in the situation in which I lived. I’m sure they’d have physically beaten the crap out of me for much less than the kind of stalking described in this thread. They never needed to do anything so drastic because I got the message soon enough that I wasn’t meant to experience dating, romantic relationships or sex, no matter how much I craved them, and I really had no business trying to change this. Just a-sayin’.

I'm surprised one of the women/girls hasn't slapped him with a restraining order. People where I live do that for much less. Especially if it truly passes the threshhold of cyber stalking.

I would not be setting up "friendships" with any of these girls. Your son doesn't know boundaries. He's still thinking like a 10 year old kid with magical thinking, and he is almost an adult. If he force kisses or gropes one of the minor girls, he's going to jail.

A computer and a phone that can text is not a right. If I had to deal with cyber stalking and worrying raging parents showing upon my door step, the computer and phone would be gone. He can keep his gaming console/X Box or whatever.

I would figure if he's to rage, it will be now not when. Besides, if he does do something, everyone will be blaming your for letting him have computer access anyway.

I know my elementary school has the computers block all social media that you can have access to with a desk top. Yes, the computer whiz kid Aspie probably would have a work around in a few days, but if he isn't that aware, it might be worth looking into. Then he can have the computer, but limited access.

I also have the feeling, everyone including his psychiatrist is dragging their ass because at 18 he's a legal adult unless you have guardianship over him. Why put in the effort when he can legally say screw off to treatment?

Hang in there. It isn't fun for you or him.

And his parents can legally kick him out of their home. It doesn’t sound like he’d have much of a chance to survive homeless, so he can’t really afford to reject any treatment whatsoever his parents want him to take, no matter whether it actually helps or harms him. He should really be made aware of how extremely weak his position is.

OP - I would really caution you to not use staying with his Dad as a threat. That kind of thing will come back to haunt you later. You said your son isn't safe around him. That's an absolute. There needs to be another solution if he's not safe in your home.

I really feel for you in this situation! Its so normal to rebel and learn by failing on your own, but he's picked a really lousy way to do so.

I agree with the other posters. He does not own a phone or a computer, or an internet connection. You own these things. You let him use them. They need to go away unless he follows your rules. And if that causes a meltdown, its possible he needs to be in a hospital when it happens so that he can be safe. This is how adult life works. We are not entitled to anything. If he stalks when he's a grown up, its not just the internet that might get taken away from him. How many desperate parents have posted here because their autistic just-turned-adult got accused of a sex crime? Its heart breaking. We really need for this kind of thing to stop. Its best he starts to get that while in the safety of childhood.

I'm not using his dad as a threat - not my intention - it's the only option until his behavior rises to a level they will house him (DDD). His dad was abusive in the past and there was police involvement, court intervention, etc. He's not been abusive in some years and now my son is bigger, heavier and stronger than his dad. I don't fear for his safety. His dad does love him and he is married with young children my son adores. Throughout this recent break down he's wanted to go there several times - I think the love of his siblings is a comfort and distraction. I also think he's basking in his dad's sudden gentleness and concern.

I'm desperate for a break. I can't cope with multiple meltdowns a day, locking myself in my room for safety and dealing with his refusal to do everything under the sun. Yesterday, he ran away. I found him and brought him home. He refused to go to work. So, I'm pretty sure he's effectively lost his employment and it's near impossible for disabled people to get work where we live so it's huge loss for him. But they'd already given him a month + medical leave and there's a limit to how much they can accommodate.

His behavioral health caseworker has advised against removing internet and phone access - she believes it will precipitate a major episode and a danger to me. So, I'm trying to remove in increments - shutting it off after a certain hour in the evening.

He's sending strange girls messages saying he loves them, requesting they watch hypnotism videos, badgering them even after multiple refusals. He's also email my friends and teachers at school asking them to intervene for him with the girl he's obsessed with. This is to the point of a psychosis.

I agree he can't handle any social media - none - he's unable to respect boundaries. It feels like an addiction - like a drug addict - he will lie, cheat and steal to maintain access to his addiction. And it's going to be extremely ugly to take it away. And I don't feel safe.

But yes, I think he needs no social media - I sent him to his dad's last night - I couldn't cope anymore - migraine for days, nervous wreck, no sleep - I could take his phone service away while he's there and let him work through it if his dad is prepared for the fall out. His dad would have to cut off the internet on his end.

Thanks I'll check this out. I think I may be long past nipping it in the bud sadly. His thinking is so delusional.

Yes, I agree the testosterone may be a piece of this. I asked his psychologist - who specializes in autism - if she thought I could get him treated hormonally and she said doctors are loathe to do that in our state. Perhaps next visit to the psychiatrist, when he hears about how the current meds aren't curbing the behavior, will elicit some other options.

I'm not willing to go with risperdal, which has been suggested, because of the side effects of weight gain and gynecomastia. My son is already overweight, already has breasts and zero muscle tone due to hypotonia so the last thing I want to to do is exacerbate this - he's at risk for diabetes and heart disease now due to his weight as well as suffering the social consequences - I can't make that worse.

I hope they have other medical tricks up their sleeve because the non-medical side isn't working, he's not even willing to participate in therapy at this point or social skills groups.

I don't know that even at 18 we could kick him out as such - he's a vulnerable, impaired adult with or without guardianship and that would be cruel treatment. My thought is that when he's 18, certain housing options do open up to him as he's been certified as permanently disabled - I'm unclear on wait times. I've been told 1-2 years but less if he's a threat, which he sometimes is though he's not successful attacked me as of yet - mostly due to quick thinking and my partner body guarding me. So, whether or not we could expedite based on aggression remains to be seen. I'm sure they have much more sever cases that get pushed to the top of the list.

My sense is that he doesn't grasp the reality of what is going to happen to him - either in terms of being placed in a group home and/or legal ramifications of harassing women. He's got a very distorted idea about how things work. Somehow he's come to believe he's entitled to ignore boundaries. He actually is describing the girl he's harassing as a "bully" because she won't be his friend. And he expects an apology from her - so he's out there on this issue. He's able to understand everything else in life in terms of right and wrong behavior and consequences but not this for some reason.

I feel as his mother I've perhaps advocated too much for him when he's had social issues at school and now he thinks I can make people treat him as he wants them to treat him, to be his friend, etc.

What he's doing to you is also cruel, and what he might do to others if this continues to escalate could be worse. Good luck getting him into a group home, because I fear that's the only way to keep you, your family, your son, and everyone else around him safe.

I think you're right. I suppose a part of me is hoping we find the magic pill or he snaps out of it and we go back to the trajectory we were on, which was good. He was going to school, working a few hours a week in a job he could see into adulthood, getting respite and habilitation care - I thought I could get him in a semi-independent, happy adult life.

Now that he's developed this particular mental health problem I think the only thing I can do is get him into a safe living situation where he's not a danger to himself, the community or me.

It's just so much so suddenly - he was the sweetest, most goofy and good natured kid before this. Truly gentle and lovable. He's turned into someone I don't like, don't understand and can't help. My life is in shambles - can barely work or function. My days revolve around his constant state of crisis.

I guess it does change things if your son is big enough that physical abuse isn't an option anymore.

I just can't imagine. I'm not sure if this is an issue with you. But one thing you can rule out is actually overdose of anti-depressants if he's already on high doses of those. Many autistics are extremely sensitive to antidepressant medications. And an overdose looks just like what you are describing - aggression, paranoia, acting ramped up. I was put on about 80 mg of prozac when it came out and it was disaster. I felt so out of control! And everytime I told people this wasn't working for me, they raised the dose. What I needed was a micro-dose, or nothing, which I eventually did on my own and I was so much better for it.

Testosterone blockers are going to really make his dystonia worse. I'm not a big fan. We simply don't know enough about them. And the kick back as they wear off is really bad.

I really hope that you get help soon. It sounds like a crisis situation.

I have to go to a kid's birthday party. But I will tell you that I've witnessed more than one young man with violence issues come around eventually. They can and do grow out of it. Its often a matter of messed up ideas around what it means to be a man. I have one patient who is becoming the most wonderful young man - respectful and never raises his voice at his girlfriend - and he was a MESS two years ago. Felt entirely entitled to controlling her every action and getting his way by pushing his weight around. There are a couple of documentaries on this topic. Tough Guise is one. Another is through the Good Man Project. I can't remember the name.

Thanks so much for your feedback. He's on a low dose of Zoloft - 50mg. He started on 25mg and that seemed to work beautifully but they upped it to 50mg. It's below a therapeutic dose for non-autistic folks. Maybe I should knock him back to 25mg as he does seem to have gotten worse since they upped the dosage - of course it also coincided with school resuming, and with that, potential contact with this girl he's obsessed with.

It's so hopeful to read that you've seen young men get better. Thank you!

Don't blame yourself. You can only do what you need to at the time.

As far as the friendship goes, I think unfortunately, the girl's mother is right about refusing access. Based on your description of what is going on, I think he will interpret any little thing from a smile or less, to meaning more than it does. He is going to be controlled by his wishful thinking.

Hopefully his therapist is working on this from a cognitive approach in someway. Knowing about wishful thinking bias and other cognitive disconnects might have him get some insight into what he is doing.

I wish I had something more constructive to offer.