Do parents respect bad kids more?

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No, I didn't trace such a pattern. I'm sure it really depends on parents-kids relations. Some families are closer, communicate more and express much more feelings including respect to each other. For some, is opposite, a normal behavior not to show excessive emotions. But this does not mean that the child does not being respected.

I don't buy into your assumptions of what shows respect.

Parents may be more careful handling "bad" kids because that is more likely to lead to success getting the results they need, but that certainly does not mean they respect that person more.

Sometimes parents are actually harder on the "good" kids because they can see the potential for greatness in the child. It is precisely because they have so much respect for that individual that they may actually demand more from them. That, of course, can create quite a few issues inside a family because of the mixed messages it sends, but it does happen.

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but it is hard to SEE respect in everyday actions and conversations. I wouldn't go looking for it in the types of examples you've posted.

With your hiking and water example, you mention whining. Whining is a tone of voice that has little to do with what is being asked. When a child whines it indicates that the child is experiencing unhappiness that may or may not have anything to do with what they verbalizing. I taught my kids to speak up for themselves in asking for the things they need. If you are thirsty on a hike, water is a NEED, not a desire that can be made right with a sugary drink on the way home. The child might ask in a simple straightforward manner, "mom, I'm really thirsty, did you bring some water?" That is different from a long drawn out "mommmyyyy, I'mmm thirsty, why aren't we there yet?" The later tells me the child is miserable about the hike itself, and may or may not actually be thirsty. My response would have nothing to do with respect, and everything to do with what I felt the child NEEDED in the moment. Although, of course, I would never, ever be dumb enough to go on a hike without water. Who does that to a child??

I think ... your parents may have had their own crazy screwed up ideas for raising a child. The whole limiting water is bizarre. Other things you've mentioned over the years on this board, too.

I'm also going to propose that it is actually impossible for you to know if your parents perceived you as "bad" or "good." Children misread their parents a lot, and adding ASD to the mix can't have helped. My son did plenty of odd things as a result of misunderstanding the lessons adults were trying to teach him. I learned fast to not get mad at him, but to stop, look at him, and ask him WHY he just did what he did. Often, he wound up doing things that I perceived as less desirable in a quest to give a good impression. I can't speak for your parents, but I was never trying to raise a robot, I was trying to raise a person that could function in the world but also find joy in it, and find joy in being a member of our family. I have a son, now an adult, who WANTS to spend time sharing experiences with me. Who is happy to have his friends meet me. THAT is what makes a parent happy.

Maybe your parents couldn't really figure you out. They never found a way to connect. I am sorry for all of you if that was the case. We don't bring kids into this world to control them. We bring kids into this world to fill out our lives, and that means we want to connect with them and enjoy the time we spend together. Sometimes a parent and child are just too different to create that. It happens. But it's difficult. It isn't what anyone dreams of, but it is the job of the parent to overcome the barrier. Some just never figure it out. I feel bad for the children in the scenario.

Aspie1: your writings always make my day. It reminds me of the mission statement of the Ig Nobel Prize (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ig_Nobel_Prize): "Honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think."

Our backgrounds are a bit different. I do love my parents. Oh, and I don't use the kind of graphical language you use. Ha ha. But we do share a lot of common perspectives, well, cross-temporally-speaking (from when I was younger). And nope, I am not going to say what detailed perspectives we share ... so let's just leave it at that. But I wanted to tell you this: you are excellent father material. Because, at the bottom of it all, you are a caring human being. And, just as I tell my own children: it's a privilege to read your writings.

What your saying sounds like a parenting problem.....
Pushover parents that dont discipline their kids get kids that grow up learning bad behavior and getting away with it.
Strong parents raise obedient and well behaved children that will be good citizens later in life.
Its not that bad kids get more 'respect', its that the kids are allowed to be bad by children that give them too much leeway.
Your parents did it right. Maybe you wouldnt have been the kindest child ever if you had parents that let you get away with everything when you were little.
(I will concede however that outside of parenting styles, there is a distinct difference in how adults treat well behaved kids versus badly behaved kids)

I got something to add, that neither me nor anyone else mentioned yet. It's something called "goodness greed". It works just like financial greed among the wealthy and the corporations: the more money someone already has, the more money they want to keep acquiring. Similarly, if parents have a child who gets straight A's, says "please" and "thank you", goes to bed when told, doesn't complain about meals, etc., it stops being enough. They want more: not just all those things, but also him keeping his room clean enough to eat off the floor. And when that happens, they start wanting the child to take piano lessons and excel there. And when he gets first place in a piano recital, they start wanting... And so on, and so on. The child's responsibilities keep increasing, with no corresponding increase in rights/rewards/freedoms in exchange. All under the pretext of "caring" or "wanting what's best for him".

By contrast, parents of a bad child are happy if he simply doesn't drop F-bombs in the house, puts his dirty plates in the sink, and feeds the cat once a day. (Because they actually let him have a cat, unlike if he were a good child.) The demands on him are much lower, and he actually gets to be left alone, with no above-mentioned pretexts. Another thing: bad kids often have excellent social skills. Which they use to command respect from their parents just by existing, even with their bad behavior. As opposed to falling over themselves trying to earn their parents' respect, as is the case for most good kids.