Feeling lack of "connection"

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Your experience does not apply to him. He is a new person that doesn't fall into your past. His words mean something. That is his means of expressing love. If you continue to tell him that his gestures are are meaningless, and continue to dismiss them, he will learn that lesson. He will stop. He won't find another way to say it and you'll never see another pure gesture of affection again. I see it all the time in AS kids.

You know what else? I bet it hurts him every time you are dismissive of that gesture. My parents used to do that to me and I remember it clearly. I stopped making all affectionate gestures because "they meant very little". He just doesn't emote that hurt in a way you may expect - see the pattern?




I think you're going to have to make that exception, but IMO, he should always be an exception. He's not a regular person - he is your son. He needs you more than anyone else ever will, and if I were a betting person, I'd say you need him even more. That's what good mommies are.

BTW, all of what you said about mommy being indispensible when he wants something? A small sense of entitlement? Making you feel like a tool or a servant? Those aren't aspie traits. They are kid traits. All kids will do that to one degree or another.

I never said those were Aspie traits. Of course all children will do this, to some extent. It doesn't mean that a parent will _never_ feel annoyed/frustrated/hurt/sad by this. It is what it is.

I certainly don't want my son feeling I'm dismissive of his feelings/gestures. Thanks for your input.

Re: the original post (just skimmed the rest of the thread):

It sounds kind of like my relationship with my mother when I was a kid. She often went out of her way to do really nice, creative things for my brother and I. She made us elaborate Halloween costumes every year. She made pancakes shaped like letters and animals (with a funnel). And we did all kinds of arts and crafts projects together.

I think I acted appreciative when she did something that I liked in particular, but I was never as appreciative as she wanted me to be. She would get hurt and angry because I did not act appreciative enough and I would have no idea how to give her the appreciativeness that she was looking for.

Now that I'm an adult, I actually do appreciate everything she did more than I did at the time because I understand what she put into it and how unusual it is for kids to have mothers who do those things. I also understand how to express appreciation in a way that is meaningful to adults; as a kid, I just didn't understand how to.

So it could be that he appreciates what you do more than he knows how to express, and he could also grow to appreciate these things more, and in new ways, as he grows up. Another possibility is that he is trying to express that what you're doing isn't really his type of thing (that he wouldn't have wanted a cat doll if you hadn't asked him to suggest a doll for you to make). Even if this is the case, he may still grow to appreciate your creativity and effort over time, as he grows up.

As a child, I'd never tell anyone anything that I had already expected them to know. Why should I? You should already know it so it was pointless for me to say anything. you should know that castle you spent hours on is wonderful, so i won't say that. You may not have noticed the tower is a little crooked so i'll point that out

I suppose that probably did translate into similar behavior as this at times.

Interesting. My son very often gets exasperated with me because he thinks I'm asking him to read my mind. I think there was even a session once with a speech therapist/behaviorist who was trying to help him with social reciprocity or something. She told him some scenario involving another child, and asked him, "How do you think she might have felt about that?" The therapist (with humor, bless her) told me he'd acted very "exasperated" with her for asking that, and had said to her, "How should I know how she feels? Do you expect me to READ HER MIND??"

Then I'll ask him specific questions about how HE feels about this or that, because of course I _can't_ read his mind, and he acts irritated with me and says "Why are you asking me that?"

Some days it feels like we can't win for losing! Must keep my sense of humor though, even though it falters from time to time.

If you don't mind me offering my input... I know that a lot of the time when people give me things, I don't know how to react. It doesn't matter whether I like the thing or not, sometimes it's something I really like; I just don't know how to express that. I worry that if I act too excited it will seem fake, but that if I don't act excited enough it will look like I don't care... it's hard to get it just right. But I can be really excited about something and still have to manufacture the external reaction - I'm still just as excited, the reaction just doesn't come naturally.