Entering Adulthood?

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i've been reading all of these posts with a great amount of interest
.....my nephew is a stay-at-home, do-nothing aspie who plays computer all day and all night. he's 25 years old, doesnt have a job, and will not attempt to do anything for himself. very scary....even scarier is the fact that my sister-in-law allows this to continue~ sometimes, unfortunately, you have to make hard choices. my nephew has been able to hold down a job for a year (in the past), but now views work as boring~ he just says he's lazy and doesn't need any help (he's not on any meds, nor does he go to any sort of counseling)..........in my estimation, my nephew should be made to face some hard facts~ just like any other "lazy" kid...... to stay in my house, you either a. are enrolled full-time in school, or b. are working and helping to support the household.
ultimately, working and going to school would be great~ but not easy to maintain for many people.

For parents of near-adults with classic autism: http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/ ... story.html

I wish this story were more positive, but I think getting the word out about the state of adult services is really important.

I have a six year old so we are not at this point, yet, but he is so emotionally delayed that I suspect we will have these kind of issues. Take anything I say with a grain of salt because I don't have the experience with an older spectrum kid.

I know you aren't too happy about the community college option because you know your child can do better academically, but it may be the scaffolding he needs right now because of his lack of functional skills. It will enable you to be much more clued in to what he is or is not doing, whereas if he went to away to school your flow of information would be way less. Also community college is less expensive, and you can transfer credits, and lots of NT kids do it to save money. Also, since it is less expensive the stakes are lower if it does not work out and it turns out he needs more functional skills first. The solitude and quiet from excessive sensory issues might be good for his GPA.

I would also agree with those who said a single room in a dorm would be best once he does go away to a four year school. I didn't have the self-discipline problems, being a card-carrying nerd and all, but I do not think I could have made it through a semester much yet gotten my degree if I had to deal with the angst and drama of having a room-mate. I had a single all four years and could not recommend it enough. Room-mate's kick each other out when they have "dates," they make messes and noise, have people over, can be bullies etc. I am sure it helps some people acquire new social skills, but for an aspie it is a lot to expect.

You will also be able to see if he has difficulties and what he needs to be doing so you can exert some influence. If hopefully it goes well academically you'll have time to help him adjust to the notion of living away from home, working on his gullibility issues etc. Four year schools require self-discipline and Even NT kids make bad decisions in four year schools and parents don't find out about it soon enough to exert much influence early enough.

There really is not anything magic about the age of 18, and if his functional/emotional skills are not that of an 18 year old, pushing him out of the nest won't help. It only helps, I think, for those who have the skills but just need motivation/confidence. Not everyone thrives on tough love. It depends on the kid and what he needs.

With school and part time work that means he is doing important, practical things for a good part of his day. Is he doing homework, chores, taking care of personal hygiene? If he is, and the problem is just that he doesn't want to socialize, I think that should be his choice. Spectrum people get depleted by too much socialization and maybe he is too stressed or not inclined for that. it maybe something he wants to do as he gets more involved in college-or not. If it is functional stuff that he does not want to do, then he may need more help from you. You may have to take away some of his computer time as much as it will piss him off and give it back in exchange for working on the functional (but boring) skills he needs.

I know it is hard to take away what has already been given, but you may have to change things. If spending all his "free" time on video games is a problem because it really is not all truly disposable time, then he may still need some structure. I know it seems like he should not need it at 18, but if he is not emotionally/functionally able to allocate his time, you may have to do this to some degree. If he is working part time I think that is a good sign.

Hey,
I know you're in New York and I'm in Toronto and I can't officially "support" you and your son, but I figured I'd write with some of my personal experience in the hopes that some of it may prove helpful or fruitful for you.

I am 25 and the Director of the newly founded "Good Game" (the link is in my profile) and the full-time Assistant Director of Camp Winston out of Toronto and I have OCD, Major Depression and Panic Disorder.

My family and I went through immense turmoil when my neurological differences began and it took us a lot of practice and effort to finally get to a space where communication was actually truthful, positive and constructive. Here are some thoughts of mine as I remember what it was to be an 18 year old with neurological differences. Please accept what is helpful and allow what is not, or not relevant to pass you by.
I'm not a parent, I'm a professional, so please take the following with a grain of salt, I'm not a know it all. I’m not a therapist or a researcher; these are just my personal observations and in no way represent the views of Camp Winston.

It is difficult for a person who is 18, who does not know what they want to do with themselves (even if they think they do) to be comfortable in the world. When people are uncomfortable, in general, they project negativity onto others and when someone has anxiety and is responding to intense fears that may or may not be real, the problem is amplified. A big choice for me was deciding that "people do well when they can". This doesn't mean you need to pander or do EVERYTHING to set someone up for success, but if you can give your son that credit that he will do well when he can, you can start working towards shifting your own anxious thinking about "he'll never amount to anything", or "we've wasted so much time".

If you can take the direction and the attitude back into the positive, you need to think of progress as momentum. One positive moment for every twenty negative moments is still one positive moment! Think carefully about what made that moment positive, what are the factors that would allow you to replicate that in a different setting, with different people, doing different things. Don't switch all the factors at once, else you won't have anything to measure against. If you son is a gamer and you aren't, I can recommend some board games that if you take them seriously, may be a good avenue for building more positive momentum (that's just my speciality, may not apply to him). If he's not a gamer then it's about finding what's positive for him in life. Is it a band, a girl, a movie, a place, an author etc.? Find that/those positive things and in your own head relate them to other potentials. Don't get discouraged if a relationship you figure out doesn't work, communicate about why it didn't. Try and release the frustration you feel about the discouragement before you talk to him about why it didn't work. Again if you give him credit that he'll do well when he can you can imagine him doing well.

When you're communicating with him, recognize that no matter what, you're coming into the conversation with baggage. You've got a long history with him and he's got a long history with you. There are a bunch of expectations that have built up either subtly or not so subtly. Again take mental notes about what you may have said or done within a conversation to cause him frustration or anger and again, once he’s had some space, approach him and say “I feel like I’m pissing you off when we talk and I really don’t mean to be, any ideas why?” Don’t expect an answer then, or even soon, give him time to process. You’ve sent a clear message that you want your communication to improve, but let go of your expectations for his response time, else you’ll push him into further anger.

These are just some opening thoughts and I realize it’s already a beast of a post, so if you want me to write more, just let me know and I’ll continue. Again, please accept that these are not written in stone and are just personal support ideas.

I think therapy and counseling can only help you when you're in a place to be open to it (and then, only if you have a therapist who knows what the heck they're doing.) I've taken many a "break" from therapy because I realized at the time that I was in a stuck kind of place and was wasting everyone's time and my money - but once that passed, I went back.

The "stuck" place sucks - but it passes. Be good to yourself; that was an awful thing to have happen.

Unless you are your adult child's legal guardian or conservator, at 18, he/she can do whatever the hell they want legally (in the USA). They can get married, join the military, sign legally binding contracts. Get credit cards. Get in trouble with the law, and the court system will not (usually) care if they are ASD. In the United States, parents can't even get medical information on an adult child without that child's written consent (HIPPA Laws).

An adult child can just leave home without giving you notice. Now, the police will put details in the NamUS data base, but looking for a single person "normal" person isn't high on their missing person's list. Hell, they barely look for the diagnosed mentally ill. The NamUS data base is full of barely functioning adults that are missing.

You as a parent may believe he/she can't function at 18, but the world doesn't view it that way and is not so forgiving. Parents who let their adult children check out do them no favors. I give you exhibit A.

My brother works for an apartment complex. He does maintenance work, and helps with evictions when needed. An elderly woman (80s) and son (40) shared an apartment. From what I gathered from my brother, the guy was most likely an Aspie. Didn't work, didn't do anything, never went out, didn't drive etc etc etc.

This mother drops dead at the hospital, and son is still living in the apartment. He has no income except his mom's SSI checks. Mother has no will or monies left to her son. Son ignores court order eviction notices.

Fast forward to my brother, 4 other burly guys and the county sheriff trying to extract this guy out of the apartment. The only reason the man didn't get dragged off to jail, was a neighbor yelled,"Don't pound on him, he's ret*d." (yeah, I know), so he was brought to the local ER. I found out from my brother, the social workers placed the man in a group home for the severely mentally ill. He'll probably be warehoused there until he dies. My brother said he wasn't "ret*d"...I'm guessing not visually developmentally disabled, and he wasn't mentally ill (bipolar etc) because county mental health never made visits.

This is what my friend did to hopefully keep the above sad story from happening to her 18 year old Aspie son, who is now 25. At 18, in the middle of the I don't what to do anything with the world mode, she gave him two options. 1) she becomes his legal guardian and conservator (where she could legally force him to go to therapies etc) OR pay for a studio apartment of his own, and start learning to live like an adult. In reality, my friend fully funded the apartment for two years, and then had a tapering clause after so many months he would be responsible for the electric bill, then gas, whatever. Right now she is paying about 1/3 of his rent, and the son pays the rest of his bills. Was her son happy? HELL NO. Did World War III start with threats of suicide and burning down her house and other assorts nonsense? Yes. Face it, any 18 year old NT guy would love to play World of Warcraft for hours on end, and not have any obligations. I don't think Aspies have a corner on that market. But checking out of life is so much for costly for an Aspie. The States have almost nothing as a support system for adult Autism clients except group homes and really bad group homes. It may suck having to deal with the mundanes, but if you don't try, it will really bite sitting next to a dude in adult diapers drooling from his Haldol and Zyprexa medications at the group home dinner table.

My friend did the studio apartment BEFORE her son went to community college. He had to show he could pay bills on time, keep the place from becoming a hazmat scene, and she helped him learn each step of the way. She wanted her son to function before he "got his degree". The school is the easy part for her son. Making sure the rent is on time was a real learning curve. She placed no limits on what he could bring with him, and all his computer and shortwave radio gear went with him.

If you can swing it money wise, forget the garage apartment and get your son a studio apartment near/around the community college. Moving out does not have to equal abandonment.

That's the rub, isn't it?

Honestly, that is the thing I fear; Is what happens when my husband and I are gone. If I did not have to worry about that, it all would be so much easier.

Sweetleaf,, I totally get what you are saying, and if anything I said sounded harsh, I am sorry, because the tough love thing is not at all anything I want to have to embrace. The sad truth is that some point (not now-my son is six) I may have to do things I do not want to do to help him become independent. When my husband and I die, there is no one in my family that will want the responsibility or whom I would trust to treat him well. We are not going to be able to leave him a small fortune to live on, so he will have to be able to earn money and take care of himself at some point. He will need a job that makes him happy, hopefully in a special interest, so he won't be depressed.

He'll have to navigate around people well enough to be functional, non depressed and not anxious. This is going to be hard and scary. I don't know if he can do it because while he is smart, he has major functional issues. I don't plan on pushing him beyond what he can do, but I am probably going to have to push a little. I hope I don't but I don't know how much change he will willingly take on himself even if he is capable. If he is not capable, we will have to figure out other long term options, but there really is not much out there, and those options would make him miserable.

If I did not have to worry about this, I would be fine with him living at home forever and I would take care of him, and I would not mind. It isn't going to be a choice I can make forever.

first, let me tell you my son is only 6, so I have not been in your position and this may or may not be helpful

.... I was looking for social skills books for him, and I checked out Jed Baker's book Prepaing for Life from the library... obviously not what I needed for a 6 year old, but I was curious of what the future might bring... it is a good book and may give you some ideas, even if he refuses to look at it... maybe i wouldn't even show it to him, if he is refusing everything "counselor"

if you take his game time, may be you should replace it with allowing computer time for online interactive games to at least get a start for some interaction.... and then work from there?...