17 and won't leave his room.

Post Reply New Topic

What do you mean? Is there so few who're relatively normal in what they do compared to their peers in regards to vocation and academia?

I know that pretty much all with HFA and AS finish high school, but this is in those diagnosed; there's probably a higher drop-out rate amongst those who aren't diagnosed. As for university/college, I know that the percentage of those with an ASD who go on and complete tertiary/higher education is quite a bit lower than the normal population. For work, the majority don't work (that's over 50%), no matter how old they are; the highest figure is around 30% or so, and most times it's menial work that's far below the cognitive ability of the individual (which shows that IQ isn't everything). Then you have the social domain, and this is the "severe" part of ASDs.

These facts above are accurate insofar as the studies go.

Ouinon -
thanks for you reply but I have been through the whole dietry thing and had him fully tested with urine sample etc and he shows no sign of having any gluten cassin allergies. I was dreading if he did because he only eats a very limited diet - pasta, cheese etc. Will only eat the same things everyday it is a real problem.

Alice -
thanks for you post. I will have to do things gradually but can't say I haven't been here before. We seem to take a small step forward and then he takes two big ones back. This is a pattern of his. He is intelligent and very manipulating. and very difficult to bargain with because when I withdraw things ie the computer he then goes and takes my computer and hides it and this is very difficult because I need if for work. He says 'see how you feel when I take your things'. He can be very cruel and I may even find him holding out little dog unside down out the window if he is not getting his way. In the past he even physically hurt himself.

But having said all this I am not giving up and I will try try again. Another problem is that he doesnt seem to having the staying power and gives up easily if some thing as he says is 'effortful' that is the only reason he keeps giving me for giving up 'it is too effortful'.

DW a Mom -
Your advice is again the same and I have to keep trying slowly slowly to try and find things he could do. I have to be firmer - what happens is that I go through phases where I am firm and we suffer through the traumas but then it all becomes too much for us - (my daughter and I) and I give in because I just cant take any more of the agression and disturbance. It is so bad that he wont even let me go to sleep. I could put up with it but he usually targets his sister and it then becomes impossible to handle.

0 equals true - the reasons he gave up school were mostly the social aspects I think he found it increasingly hard to be in an environment that he just did not how to behave in. He said he could not stand the noise any more and did not know what to do or when to go at break times. Basically he just stopped going one day and said it was too 'effortful' and when he decides to stop doing something hell or highwater will not get him to change his mind. short of getting a crane into his room to lift him out of bed there was nothing I could do. I liased with the school and I talked to him and the psycholigist talked to him but no - he was determined never to return there.

2 Ukenkerl - He is not afraid of authority as I have involved the police and the local community police have called around on a number of occassions and tried every approach from the softly softly to the frighten the life out of him approach. But he is not phased whatsoever. He seems to have no fear of authority or any kind. I have spelled out the consequences on every level and he says he doesnt care.

All I see now is to again try the slow little by little approach like you describe - danielismyname- but to be honest I feel helpless and without any kind of support. All around me I have people who criticise and blame me for being a bad parent and many dont even accept 'Asperger's' and think I have just been too easy on him and this is the result.

I will never give up trying and I often sit down at the computer and think who will I ask for help and where can I find the answers because the system has not done a thing for me only continually pass the buck.
What I need is to find someone - a mentor- who will impress him and that he likes - (and this is not easy) who can encorage him as he certainly does not listen to me.

Has he been on an exclusion diet though, for at least a week? ...

The tests for Ig etc activity/presence are very unreliable in the case of food intolerances, tending only to reveal classic allergies which are something else entirely.

The fact that cheese and pasta is practically all he eats, ( I was sure you would say something like "but that is practically all he eats" by the way ), is a classic sign of food intolerance, because intolerance so often expresses itself with addiction to the very foods which are a problem. Casein and gluten contain food peptide opioids, and are also the most often associated with the alienated/out of touch with reality/detached/depressed/spacey etc mental states/behaviour that you describe.

Addiction to a food, ( often eating it almost to the exclusion of everything else ) is such a common symptom of food intolerance that Dr Richard Mackarness, the english expert on the subject, said that as soon as a patient said to him, " I will give up anything but ... x, y, or z, " he could be fairly sure that it would turn out, ( on exclusion dieting and careful testing/reintroduction of foods ), that the person had an intolerance and to that food in particular.

You say that you have been through the whole dietary thing with him, did that include an exclusion diet? Because if not then you haven't really tried everything.

.

He probably only eats the same thing due to it being a part of his routine. I know I do, and did.

It's the same thing with wearing the same clothes.

please, please- do something before he turns out like my nephew- nephew is 30 & still doing the same as your son. his mom refuses to see it as a problem, and refuses to seek out help for him..................get a professional involved who can help you sort things out & come up with a plan.

Well I have clinical executive dysfunction and if you didn’t know me you might think i am doing the same thing. I am not confined to a room and have friends now, but i still live with my parents. I constantly write letters to so called “experts” in search of a solution, but there is none to date. there was a time I was very reclusive, it was in part brought on due the damage cause but trying to do what everyone else does, and live with a cognitive dysfunction. It took years to recover from.

maybe it isn't the right environment for him. I force myself for five year in university and had a mental breakdown. School was hell too.

He could get an education through other means, but it is a question of what resources are available. He has probably lost, faith and more scared that he might be willing to admit. it is very much a personal battle you must understand. You can't help him directly. Somehow I managed to unstill a never say dire attitude in myself. Probably the best sort of treatment that could help is CBT, which is entirely practical and not rocket science. However it is a question of finding the appropriate type, or more acutely him being able to apply the principles to himself. It is going to take time, but can be worth it.

There may be areas that are beyond the social aspect, that can't be addressed by this. I wouldn't spend your legacy yet, but understanding the problem is important.

A plan? Like what? The individual in question just stopped going to school because he couldn't handle it--there's no plan this world over that'll work that most "normal" people will be able to see. I just stopped going to school because I couldn't handle it, and there's no force in the world that would have taken me back there.

Now, perhaps a few to several years later, after he has recovered from his ordeal at school, it might be wise to start looking for vocational support if you want to make him "normal"; there's usually some in place for individuals with an ASD who they themselves want to work. But, if he doesn't want to do such, there's no force in the world that'll get him to do such.

People wonder why half of all individuals with HFA are in institutions; I can tell you why, it's because well meaning parents try to force them to be something they're not, and this leads to violent encounters time after time.

I also agree with the taking very tiny baby steps to help your son have a wider range of activities. After thinking about it, I'm not sure that I'd pull the internet. Taking a walk everyday may work, but for it to have worked with me it would've had to serve a purpose. I wouldn't have wanted to walk just to walk. I did, however, as a teen (when I was at my most reclusive) walk everyday to the post office to get the mail. There had to be a goal in mind for me to even see a point in doing it.

Does he ever come out of his room to talk to you, or eat dinner with you? Does he ever leave the house? Does he want to share his interests at all with you? If he does like to talk about his interests you could make it a point everyday to have 30 minutes where he comes out of his room to eat dinner with you, and talk about whatever he wants to. Of course, that's going to be his special interests. I know that seems very small, but to someone that doesn't talk to anyone all day everyday, that's a lot. Just getting him to come out of his room to engage in some real life human contact would be a big first step. If he never goes anywhere is it possible to lure him out of the house once a week to obtain something that's related to his special interest? Say, going to the video store, and buying a new anime video, or something like that. I'd only introduce one of those things at a time, and slowly build, or else he may feel threatened, and his anxiety will shoot up, which of course will only result in him retreating back into his room.

I would definetely keep searching for a psychologist that can help you. Even if you have to go by yourself for awhile, just to gather ideas. At this point, I feel that his anxiety is probably so high when he has to do anything but stay in his room, and carry on the way he has been that there's nothing in his mind that could be worse than feeling the way he does when he has to break that routine.

Which brings me to my next point, his manipulative behavior. When you take away something that he highly values it turns his world upside down. His anxiety levels rise, and he resorts to doing things that he knows are wrong, but under those kinds of circumstances he'd probably do almost anything to relieve the hell that he's in. That's why tiny steps are needed so that he's comfortable with the changes, and honestly I feel that he could use CBT, and or some anti-anxiety meds. For him, his behavior isn't out of line, because in his mind it's a matter of self-preservation.

However, if there is any rule that you get him to follow it (at least to me) should be that he is not allowed to harm anyone else, unless of course it's in self-defense from a real physical threat.I know that you said that you have called the police before, but if he has a tantrum, and is physically violent I'd press charges. I know that's a very, very hard thing for a mother to do, but IMO it's of utmost importance that he understands that he isn't allowed to harm others, or their property. He's almost an adult, and there's real adult consequences that he can find himself paying for that sort of behavior , and you won't be able to do a thing about it.You, your daughter, and your animals deserve to live in your home without feeling physically threatened. Even my profoundly autistic son has consequences to attacking others.

And as a sidenote, I found # 6 on your previous post a little offensive. I was (for the most part) a really well behaved kid. Your son may be difficult, but not all of us are. It's down to personality, I think. I have a brother that's 25 who lives pretty much like your son. My parents held me to a very high standard, but handed everything to him. We turned out very differently. They won't take any of my advice on how to help him, and I worry everyday that he may harm himself, as he's so depressed, and isolated. I applaud you for at least not giving up on your son, and staying with it even when it's been hard.

Thanks again to for all replies. I looked up Executive dysfunction must admit I have never heard of it before but it does sound very like my son also. I would love to get him to CBT but he refuses to go anywhere.

Yes he does eat in the kitchen most days and now and then talk a little - usually about his anime or games but that is it. The last time (a year ago) his older brother and I got him to the adolescent clinic they tried but gave up and said they could not help because he just would not engage with them. Makes me furious because it is their job to help him engage.

My plan is to do the rounds again and again start knocking on doors - there are not that many places in Ireland and they will all be the same old people I can only hope as time passes there is a greater awarness and all I need is that one person who will know what I am talking about and see a way through for us and maybe hit on something that will stimulate my son into some sort of action.

Serenity thanks for all your words of help I have taken it all in. sorry if you were upset by me saying that Asperger's children are impossible to parent, I did not mean to make a generalisation it was more a statement of exhasperation based soley on my own experiences, I am certain all children with AS are not the same in fact I know they are not the same.

Thank you to all who have replied you have all given me food for thought even the not so favourable replies.

Some people take clinical executive dysfunction to mean a disorganised. They are not even comparable. psychs also use it a buzz word, but I would take this a pinch of salt as they are not the ones who do who do the standardised test that can highlight various cognitive deficit like execute dysfunction. I would err on the side of caution diagnosing you son based on an internet description.

Danielismyname- what you posted is a plan.........i never said to put the kid back in school....i just said to come up with a plan that will work for the OP's son.

i also never said that i wanted to make this kid "normal".....he will be who he will be.........i never said the kid couldn't spend time in his room.......and yes, you are correct when you say that no amount of force will get an aspie to do what he doesn't want to do. this is where an effective plan comes into play- the plan would have to take into consideration his likes and dislikes & also take into consideration what is motivating for him. as the boy is 17, he should definitely have some input into what the plan entails..........IMO, the OP needs a professional to help her sort out some ideas to help her son.

I have to agree, if he hits you or your daughter, pressing charges may show him that hitting=wrong. I promise you, if he is given the choice of not hitting or spending a weekend in a jail cell, he will choose the former. As hard as it is, you gotta take that step, what if he injured you to the point of where you can't work? Or injured you daughter to the point of being unable to attend school?

(((((((((((((((((((Julia))))))))))))))))))) since it seems about the best I can do for you is let you know that we here care and are pulling for your family, that is what I'm offering. You are at a point that I can't solve as much as I wish I had something relevent for you. Thank you for not giving up.

Those here who can relate to the son, I hope you will continue to brainstorm ideas and help Julia develope a plan. It sounds like your insight is what is most needed here, so please keep offering it, and also offer ideas. I hope you can understand that parents need to feel they can do something, anything, to help their children move forward to some level of independence. Without that, parenting gets pretty bleak. And we imagine our children's lives get pretty bleak, as well ... a situation none of us want. Acceptance is a wonderful thing, but giving up on a child is not, and there is an important difference there.

I wish I could say or do more, but this is too far out of my experience.

Sending you a whole heap of hugs, Julia. Parenting is not an easy gig. My heart breaks for you and your son and I hope someone here can offer you more insight. If you ever need to vent, please feel free to PM me.

Thinking some more about this, ( and dropping the dietary angle ), I want to say that my own inactivity/inertia etc is often not the result of anxiety but of not seeing the point of doing things/anything.

I remember driving my parents nuts as a twelve-year-old asking why we had to have side-plates and butter knives, a table cloth and so on, because it just made more washing up/things to clean. And why couldn't we all just bring a plate, fork, knife etc to table rather than my sister and I taking it in turns to lay the table, something which seemed to take a disproportionately long time, etc?

I tend to think "what's the point" about most things, and an awful lot of the time I simply can't see one. When I was homeless, penniless and on the road I had no trouble at all seeing why I had to ask in bakers for left over bread, though once I had discovered the riches to be found in bins, ( summer time, holiday makers etc ), I saw less point in making the effort to ask, and preferred to search bins instead.

Maybe a lot of aspies look at society and see no point in doing very much at all. Most work is "make work", most activity is consumption, most food is produced by a tiny percentage of the population; if houses and food were distributed fairly there would be homes and food for all, and most people currently working 35-40 hours a week could spend all day at home.

Seriously I think that modern society may be responsible for making it almost impossible for a lot of AS to do anything, because there is no real reason to do so. In fact there may even be an argument for doing as little as possible, leaving as small a carbon-footprint as one can. Doing little or nothing has ecology on its side. It is the logical reaction.

Why contribute to pollution, why use a car to go anywhere, why try to make and sell things, when the sanest response now is to live on a minimum, disengage from the chimera which is infinite growth, downsize? Many aspies are already doing it. It hurts an aspie to do things which make no sense, and participating in make-work in a world already polluted and ravaged by the growth machine is actually insane.

Therefore many of us sit under trees, or the technological equivalent.

.