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Question for the OP: Is your son actually diagnosed? I find it hard to believe he's made it to age 30 without anyone ever suggesting any sort of services for him.

Are you in the US?

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I'm several years older than him and I never managed to get diagnosed despite all the special classes and schools I was sent to and all the counselors they made me see. They even made me do a 30 day evaluation in a mental hospital.

When I was younger I was probably pretty awful to my mother but as I got older I'm less of a bother to her since I don't drink any more or barely go out anywhere and just go online all day. I don't know what will happen when she is gone unless she gets a decent amount from the inheritance money she is expecting and can put some aside for me.

Is it possible that your son could get ssi? For insurance maybe he could get Medicaid. I got that recently and I think my mother's income didn't affect my eligibility.

I think things were much different when we were kids; I should have been diagnosed - I know I raised concerns - but AS didn't exist as a diagnosis in the US until 1992, meaning that kids who were able to go to public school wouldn't have been offered services. That means anyone "high-functioning" (HATE that term, but we don't have anything better) older than their mid- to late- twenties would probably have flown under the radar and fallen through the cracks.

I would guess, however, that in the US, social services might still be available to adults who can't function due to a disability. I am not trying to pass any kind of judgement - I am sure it would be a long, hard road and the national trend towards service cuts is not in your favor - but it is something to try. I would also see if there is a local chapter of GRASP or ASAN or another organization of autistic adults, and find out if they can help.

I have no first hand knowledge of services for autistic adults, but if you contact someone from an autism group or local ARC chapter they should be able to direct you, if there is anything in your area. Some states have more available than others.

I am going to list some possibilities but I am not personally familiar. I am just trying to help by brainstorming based on things I have heard.

I do not know the process for SSI, but I would assume that they would do some sort of examination (I doubt a private diagnosis would be sufficient for them anyway) If they find that your son and/or his father cannot work because of disability that would help out on the $$$ front. There might be law firms that would take the case on contingency if it initially gets denied.

If your family is eligible for Medicaid, that would possibly help get a diagnosis of some kind, and therapy or meds if they are wanted/needed. Again, I think some states are more generous than others. There also may be a county mental health office, or something, that might get them help. If your son or his father is an alcoholic (you mentioned drinking as an issue) there may be help for that. If he gets real meds that help him maybe he won't drink so much.

There may be some public or charity run respite assistance--where they might be able to get someone to supervise your household. If you have no place to go, I do not know if there might be a place that could be obtained through a charity or something.

The thing is you are too overwhelmed, and a lot of this is probably stuff you have tried. That is why I suggest you find a non-profit organization (An autism group or ARC for example) that will be sympathetic and can tell you what is available and what is realistic where you live. They would have experience with the "system" and could help you navigate it so that if there is help you would find useful, you could access it more efficiently.

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You ask about services. Others have mentioned SSI and Medicaid as services he might qualify for; however you have to have a diagnosis from a doctor before you can apply for those.

I am a parent, since you seem to want to only hear from parents. I have read everything you have written. My heart goes out to your whole family.

Having said that. Your son and husband are dysfunctional because you have allowed them to be. This mess didn't happen overnight and it will not get fixed quickly either. Being on the spectrum does not give someone the right to treat others poorly. If your son has enough people skills to have friends who spend money on him and an active social life, then he must have enough awareness of others feelings to realize he is being disrespectful to you and your home. I know we hate it when people say our child's behavior is being a spoiled brat; however, we also have to be careful to not excuse everything our kid does just because he is on the spectrum.

I see why it is impossible to just throw your son out without any preparation right now. He has few life skills. Does he really not want to be cleaner, or does he need some help organizing? Perhaps he needs some type of schedule in his life to remind him to take a shower and brush his teeth. Part of this sounds like he is out of control because he has no schedule, no purpose, and no goals. Since this has been going on for a long time, he may say he doesn't want those things, but I bet he does and has either given up, or doesn't know how to go about changing. I am NT and trying to return to work after 11 years as a stay at home mom. I am feeling rejected and overwhelmed. Some days I want to pull the covers over my head instead of sending out another resume and feeling unaccomplished. If a 41 year old, very organized NT woman feels this way, I am sure your son needs some very serious help to get him out of this rut. Look at your area autism group websites. They usually have lists of resources available in your area. Maybe sitting down with a career coach can help him make some realistic goals, get some job training, and help him get excited about something. You might find a support group in your area too. That would help you find people in your area that know what resources are where you live and they can truly empathize with your situation, which really can ease your burden sometimes. The money might be hard to come by to help him, but it also could be the best money you ever spent if it changes his and your life.

If my son were 30, coming home drunk, breaking things, sleeping til 5 pm, and being a disrespectful slob, I would make his life very uncomfortable until he either a.) got fed up and left, which is his right as an adult or b.) was willing to work on setting some behavior standards and goals for himself.

It looks like you posted again as I was composing my message.

I don't know what concrete help you are looking for? Each state has different resources. You have been given some direction and you shoot it all down. No one can fill out the SSI and Medicaid paperwork for you and your son.

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You have been very patient for a very long time. I hope there have been some good things mixed in with the bad. I am going to say something a bit assertively and that is, why have you and how have you put up with all this. I would think you are already 'done'. From what you have written here it comes across to me that you have both enabled the behavior and tried to control it, by yourself. There's a lot of meanness that comes across.

Here is what came to mind, as I have read through the posts albeit rather quickly. Get in contact with a women's shelter, because they have links and/or telephone numbers of free services which might help you. If you are like me then making the phone calls will be hard, but just do it.
You will not like some of the services processes, and you will not be able to be in control of how things proceed a lot of the time. Decide whether it is better to deal with that or with the inevitable crash that seems to be coming toward your situation.
Years ago I received help in this way. My family would not help me so I found the shelter, got free legal help, a much reduced fee for a counselor, my child got enrolled in a free day-care, and though this was all very uncomfortable and a difficult learning process, ( for various reasons, ) It Helped Us Get to the next, healthier stage. Now, that child is grown and lives with friends.
And I am raising one more in a much more serene way all by myself. Well, I hope that helps a little.

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