My Folks Are Always Wanting Me Out...

Post Reply New Topic

You are going to eventually have to move out. Your mother won't live forever and it doesn't sound like your sister will take care of you. I would really, really suggest that you talk to a social worker and try to find some options somehwere to start adjusting to life on your own now, while she's still around.

I don't think 1/3 of the rent is so bad. It sounds based on what the OP said, that every little bit helps, as his sister and mother are also financially codependent. It sounds to me like it may be something else other than the fact that his financial contribution is not exactly 1/3 of all expenses. Maybe the sister is uncomfortable having people over, with him there, or something like that. I do not recall that the OP said what his sister's specific issues are other than it makes her feel freer with him not there.

If he found out something more specific, maybe he could adjust some of how he does things to make it easier n his mom and sister. Maybe his mom could use extra help with something or do a larger amount of chores.

If it is something like the sister being embarrassed that he still lives there, and does not like explaining it to friends or menfolk; or something, then IMO that is her problem and she should be the one figuring out her finances and moving.

CWA, that was uncalled for. People are on SSI because they can't work, not because they're lazy.

OP, what most people in your situation wind up doing is finding subsidized housing, either on their own or with family/caseworker help. It's true that in many places, such housing is now in tight supply.

Is there a county mental health/disabilities agency where you are? They can help you get subsidized housing.

Something else that people do in order to feel less lonely when living alone, by the way: they just set up a skype with a friend or family. You don't have to be talking, just both have skype open. You can hear the other people moving around and talking in their house, and they can hear you in theirs, so it's a bit like you're in different rooms of the same house.

It does take practice to live on your own, so yes, I think it's a good idea to do that while your mom and sister are still around.

As a side note, it seems to me that when people say "no offense" they are almost always about to say something offensive and should think to themselves "maybe I should STFU until I can think of a more constructive or less offensive way of putting this." Go ahead and offend intentionally, if you want to, but not with the "no offense" tag--it's like a really weak kind of passive aggression and annoying in the extreme.

Back on topic, I don't think you do see where sis and mom are coming from at all.

Per the OP, sis denies that MovieFan even has a neurological issue. Is that where you see where she's coming from? If not, as seems to be the case, I suspect you are projecting beliefs that are not pertinent into this situation.

Relevant factoid: over 80% of people with Aspergers are unemployed. "Get a job" seems like singularly unhelpful advice given this reality. Of course financial independence would be the best possible thing, but is it possible in this situation? I don't know and I don't see how you can either. If it isn't, MovieFan still needs to deal with reality, somehow. OliveOilMom makes good sense, taking those factors into account.

Good points.

I could be wrong, but it seems like his sister is the big short term problem, and she is nudging the mom in her direction. I also get the feeling that her not believing the diagnosis is convenient self-interest and not necessarily what she really would think if she bothered to look at it neutrally. I don't know why I get that vibe, but I do. So, in the long run, he needs to figure out what he will do when his mom passes, but in the short term he has to figure out how to deal with his sister pushing so hard.

That makes sense. I think OOM's advice is still the logical way to go, taking that into account too.

I would not be surprised if sis doesn't plead for him to come back when she realizes she has to come up with an extra third of the rent. Or perhaps that's too cynical a view. I do see these sort of stories, though:
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/inde ... 637AAHQv8I

I didn't think it was all that bad what CWA wrote. I worked when I was on SSI and she does make a good point about getting a job and she left some advice.

I think the OP's mom should be trying to help him if he needs it. She helps his sister so why not him? I also can't understand the fear of being alone because I wanted to live on my own since I was 16 because of my own freedom and no one else bothering me and no more anxiety and worries over people making messes and being lazy and no more lot of kids being over and no more noise and messy floors. Ugh. Now being a parent, I am in control and I can say how many kids can be over and what they can and can't do because my house, my rules. If they can leave the house clean when the friends leave, I may reconsider and let my kids have friends over of they pick up after themselves and not make any messes. So I can't even relate to fear of being alone and it's so alien to me people would feel this way.

OP have you considered getting food stamps so you can buy your own food? Do you even buy your food? I never bought own until I lived on my own. I didn't eat much anyway so it's not like I ate up all their food so that was probably why they didn't charge me for it and had it included in the rent instead. Do you do anything at home like clean or cook or washing your own clothes? That might help out a lot with your situation. Don't know how to cook? That is okay, you can offer to do the dishes after your sister or mom cooks.

Would any group homes work? I also like the room mate idea even though I would never have a room mate because of bad things I have heard about having one. But at least in a group home, you won't be alone.

That's true [about not being alone] and with the OP being epileptic (if I remember right?), it would be good security for him to have someone there (on staff maybe?). But also have his own space to do his own thing. Some places even have part-time jobs or shared housework maybe? I'm not sure but might be the best option in his situation.

Last edited by Stormymomma on 07 Apr 2014, 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You are probably right. I am often wrong.

It seems kind of harsh to play down paying a third of the rent--but then, I live in the New York area where rents are very high. Paying a third of the rent would be a major contribution to a household budget here.

It seems evident that the sister is in denial and that probably has a lot to do with how she sees his position.

It really is great for people who are capable of working and living independently to do so, but it is really true that not everyone can work and not everyone can manage living on their own.