Neighbor of Autistic Child - Advice Please

Post Reply New Topic

I think it is a question if how much intervention is considered appropriate based on something that is ambiguous. Different people have differing opinions on this. Some people are more interventionist than others; while others are more MYOB types in those situations.

There are strawman examples on both sides that both sides could use as examples of horrific consequences resulting from an error in either direction. People on the interventionalist side can point to examples where a child came to harm b/c of inaction, and the MYOB side can site examples of parents getting in trouble for insufficient reason b/c of someone's meddling.

A forum like this is not equipped, from a distance, yet, to settle those kinds of issues. It is like looking at one of those visual effect puzzles where you either see a bunny or a duck, but you can't see both at the same time.

OP came and asked if the child was suffering and if it was normal she is alone so much. The answer is just because she is autistic doesn't mean her screaming is purposeless. This is a child, she may be suffering. And no, it is not normal she is alone so much. I've got to stop posting on this. Too many are too negative and it's distressing.

There is ambiguity here only because the OP did not provide a single valid reason to hint at possible abuse or neglect of the child, aside from her perception that the kid is supposedly outside all day long, which, again, is her impression only because it affects her own children's ability to catch some sleep.

Would she have had the SAME impression if this child hadn't been this noisy and if this hadn't affected her own kids in some way ? I will openly say that there is a VESTED interest for the OP to find fault with the kid, and, therefore, her parents. Had s/he come here and said, "Well, my neighbours have a 9-yr-old that is 10 kgs, has bruises all over her body, cries a lot, and doesn't get taken to the doctors very often, is there anything that I can do about it ?", I would have been the FIRST person to tell her to call the cops or CPS or Social Services. But that isn't what s/he said. S/he claimed that the kid seems to be outside all the time, and this affected her own child's ability to sleep, and interfered with her raising her family, and how could s/he deal with this OBSTACLE ?!

Her (or his) choice of words - including the word "OBSTACLE" - and my read of the OP leads to believe that her / his motive isn't entire benign or altruistic. Hence my response.

You know what, though ? Go ahead and call the cops on these parents. Let them investigate. Why not ? i am sure that the parents have nothing to hide. Just be prepared though for your own kids to be expected to 100% behave all the time as they get older, and to have similarly complaining neighbours as the years go by. What goes around and all that, you know ?

Wow, I guess Monday isn't Funday around here, eh?


Seriously, though. Why is anyone internet yelling on this thread? Even if the OP is just annoyed, can't we acknowledge that the yelling is in fact annoying? Even to us as parents? And if what she says is true, barring all of the reading between the lines that some posters are doing, can't we just calmly present theories and options and let her choose what she wants to try?

If we flipped this around and it was an autism parent posting about NT children next door who were driving their sensory-sensitive ASD child crazy, we'd be full of ideas and support. When it's an NT family that is suffering, and yes, babies not being able to sleep constitutes suffering, we're defensive and judgmental. Don't you all remember what it was like when your children were very young? What gives?

The OP didn't storm next door and start threatening her neighbor. She took the time to go online and find this forum, then had the courage to ask her questions. And in return, she got screamed at in shouty internet voice. How did that help her? How did that help you? Such a waste.

Last edited by pddtwinmom on 11 Aug 2014, 12:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wonder if the responses would be any different if the OP was on the spectrum so she was experiencing a sensory overload from the screaming and from her own babies too because they are tired so they keep crying crying crying? That would be interesting. I can't imagine being in such a situation. I lived next door to screaming kids who would play outside at six in the morning or seven so I used ear plugs and had my fan blowing. I would also shut the window too if I didn't have in ear plugs. It was cool out since it was so early in the day and go back to bed.

But the OP can't just use ear plugs or she would sleep through her babies crying. I didn't have any children then when I did the solution. But my husband has to suffer more because he worked graveyard and he wouldn't use ear plugs and still won't and that was bad for his medical condition because if he doesn't get enough sleep, he has seizures and the screaming kept him up. So that was bad. But he survived and he couldn't sleep in the day time anyway because he is an early bird. No matter how tired he is, he cannot sleep when the sun is up. That is just the way some people are. So it's not like it was the kids fault.

Why don't you just ignore me, as you advised the OP to ignore certain posters?
Just for clarity, which people specifically do you feel she should ignore?

Done. Consider yourself ignored from here on out.

Are YOU calmly presenting theories ? Given your attacks on fellow posters, you are also screaming in a shouty internet voice at parents who actually are raising kids similar to the one the OP is complaining about (which you would know next to nothing about aside from random readings on the Internet, given your claim that your kids are high functioning).

I didn't acknowledge that the noise was bothersome ? Do you read for comprehension ? Go back and READ all the posts, and pay attention while you are at it, because I actually said MANY times that I do get how annoying the noise is and how I am not entirely unsympathetic / indifferent to the OP's situation. And, I also suggested that the OP actually go ahead and call Social Services, because the parents probably aren't doing anything criminal. So get off whatever high horse you are riding and take that chip on your shoulder about knowing how to address other people's threads to someone who cares.

Happy Monday ? Looks like it's get-my-bloomers-in-a-mega-bunch-and-pontificate-to-the-choir-day in your neck of the woods, darlin' ...

Last edited by HisMom on 11 Aug 2014, 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Guess she wants the OP to ignore all the posters who are actually WALKING THE TALK that she is preaching about. You know, the ones who are actually also raising LFA kids and could respond from the perspective of the neighbours ?

But, interesting that she's ignoring you, too. Oh, well !

Feel better? If not, feel free to yell some more.

Was that the best that you could come up with ? Well... given your reading comprehension challenges and all.... never mind ! I tried.

Oh, btw, darlin, feel free to ignore my posts, too, since they are leaving you foaming at the mouth, and getting your panties into Gordian knots.

Last edited by HisMom on 11 Aug 2014, 2:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My son is not severely autistic so I simply can't relate like you can but it seems that you are taking the OPs post far too personal to offer sound advice while taking other things out of context.

I can imagine that loud screaming and outdoor noise, every night at bedtime would make it difficult to put twins or at least two young babies to sleep. If you agree with that line (and I think any parent would), then by definition that is an obstacle. He/she did not say nor suggest that the child is an obstacle and talking to the neighbours about their evening noise level is not questioning their parenting skills.

Last edited by Gov on 11 Aug 2014, 2:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You can't hurt my feelings or intimidate me in any way, so feel free to flame on. I've already stated my opinion on this thread, so take it however you will. I won't fight with you, or anyone else who is spoiling for one. I hope you can find the space to breathe and relax a bit. It sounds like you have a lot going on.

I did not say that talking to the neighbours is akin to questioning their parenting skills. What I am asking is what outcome would be optimal to the OP's family and to the child and her family ? I don't think that the solution that the OP is probably seeking (which is to "stop the kid from stimming") will happen. I am also addressing the claims / theories that were put out here, including possible child abuse and neglect. My response was to go ahead and call Social Services, because the parents probably aren't doing anything wrong.

While I did agree that the loud noise would be difficult / distracting, it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Someone else suggested getting an AC and closing the windows at night time, which is a valid option.

I want to reiterate that I am not entirely unsympathetic to the OP, but I also just don't know what solutions s/he expects or would be satisfactory to her or him ? My son's loud stimming aren't anything that are under anyone's control, including his own. He stims when he is eating a treat, he stims when he is being pressed to do a task he doesn't like, and he stims when he is watching a favourite cartoon of his. It is his means of communication.

I am coming at this solely from the perspective of a parent whose child uses stimming to communicate, as he lacks words. I am not being defensive or judgmental, even if it appears that way because I am not supporting the general consensus that this isn't "normal", because in my house, my son loves jumping on his big trampoline in our garden for hours together (if I let him, which I don't) while loudly stimming as he does. I can easily visualize what a problem this can be for the neighbours, but so far, no one has complained (at least not to my face, *knock on wood*).

Admittedly, I am not the parent in question and this is not my kid. So, if there is a possibility that the stimming is a sign of "distress", the OP can go ahead and call CPS if s/he chooses. I am just saying that the authorities probably won't find anything criminal going on, in which case, not only is OP back to Square 1 but also now on bad terms with the neighbours. A better way of tackling this is to have a conversation with the neighbours, asking if they needed help with the kid, without bringing up accusations - direct or veiled - about the kid being left unattended for hours on end in their garden.

Anyway, this is just my very humble opinion. The OP can take my feedback or ignore it. Good luck to everyone involved in this situation.

This was a great response - thank you.


"A better way of tackling this is to have a conversation with the neighbours, asking if they needed help with the kid, without bringing up accusations - direct or veiled - about the kid being left unattended for hours on end in their garden. "

This is also the most valid response needed from this entire thread, advice from the neighbours point of view how they would appreciate being talked to.

This also would have been most beneficial in post #1 instead of suggesting to move as a option or even bringing up going to the authorities with the complaint. I don't believe the OP ever hinted that he/she was looking to do that, I think just looking for the simple advice that you gave above.

It would have happened in my first response to the OP, if the ORIGINAL post hasn't raised several ??? in my mind. There was the issue of discussing the kid with a teacher at the child's special school. Then, there was the accusation that the kid was left to her own devices all day long (abuse / neglect accusation). Then, the word "obstacle" was also thrown around casually - NO ONE likes to hear that THEIR kid is creating an obstacle to someone else's parenting or that someone else would do *anything* possible to clear that obstacle. The choice of words sounded strange to me. What is involved in that list of "anything possible" ?

Realistically speaking, what could *anyone* do to stop my kid from stimming in my backyard ? Say you are a neighbour and approach me and I don't do a darn thing ? Then, what ? The only way to completely escape the child's noise *will* be to move or to go to the local authorities about the noise / nuisance factor, in hopes that the cops would force the parents from letting the kid in the yard, yeah ?

And, btw, I didn't bring up the issue of going to the authorities. Other people did and I was addressing it.

At the end of the day, talking to the neighbour isn't going to fix the problem, especially if the kid
Is ANYTHING like my boy and stims relentlessly for reasons best known to her. Because there is probably NOTHING that the parent can do, so if it is enough of a nuisance factor, then moving away from the cause is the sole solution to this "problem". For instance, if one of my neighbours was to talk to me about the noise, I would probably be VERY apologetic to them, but there is nothing that I can do to stop my son from stimming. So, yeah, s/he can talk to the parents, but I doubt s/he would get a satisfactory solution to this "obstacle".