Struggles with 18-year old ASD son

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Yeah, definitely criticized on the only things you adore can really hurt and some people just dream of being appreciated for it not deemed useless. Not everyone's meant to be a social butterfly, a clown, a businessman. Maybe I am a leader more than others even if I dont want to be or dont believe it, at least thats what my results say about my gifts. Doesnt mean I'll take it on.

I can be a night shift garbage car assistant if it makes me happy and fulfills my purpose, I don't have to answer to people, unless they keep harrassing me about unimportant things. If I dont need a job to tell me that im special or don't need to use it for my needs and it can fill my job needs better, have an open mind, don't need a top job to define who I am or my importance in society or my own life. But by all means I never rejected help towards better situations for me.

It's so rare that people can embrace that simplicity and relaxation not to care about these unimportant things but seek happiness and health in themselves and others.

If popular passionate people gave up their passions then they wouldnt be so big in them, some are renowned. Some just do it because it's self care. The dimensions of a person are not up for debate. They just are. If some useless thing goes big and gets some person fame or money. Is it then useless? What if it brings people happiness? Who are you to say it's useless. It has a place in that person's life because it's important. The more you oppose it, the stronger it gets, and the more you're pushing the person away.

That you want their life to have additions, it's different. It's a person's life, it's not yours so you might have to accept it won't go the way you plan. Let go of the control and ownership and embrace this person as they are. Unconditional love guides, aids and never loses value. You can be responsible for what you do to this person. You might know them, but you don't always know what's best for them. That's why they have individuality to act their way. If they seek external help, they need it to gain independence. The goal is the same, it's just the way that's different. It's like someone screams to you you need to get independence and you're trying to get it but they don't see it. I never realized there are rules to life, on becoming independent, because, who's watching? Isn't the goal the purpose? Are we supposed to live in society, have family, but not to rely? Where is this rule from, Mars?

You know life is hard, and all these "not allowed to rise unless abiding by rules" just makes it harder. You have to understand that there are some skills that are lacking. It might not be impossible but why push the hard way on this struggling person? Why take away their only enjoyment in life and make them feel less? How is this gonna encourage them to succeed? "you're not valuable, you're not good enough, you're still dependent, you need to be normal, you're different, you're a burden" these feelings are very deep and influence the brain massively.

an autistic person's refuge from the hard life is special interests. Take that away, everything becomes chaos.
they might not have the positives you desire, doesn't mean that their positives now become negatives. You might resent them, or think it's wasted time, but it's necessary and it's meaningful and it's beautiful. They cannot be ripped apart from the person's path of growth, they will have to be included, whether they change or they stay the same. There's no need to blindly attack them, what you're meaning to attack is the root of the problem. "i love you, but I'm unable to support you with friendship information and assistance anymore without damaging myself or our relationship. I'm not giving up on you, but you have to find other ways, sources or people and I might help you find them, to help yourself towards your path to independence. I need to take care of my own self" You can redirrect them to some advice articles or a website who can answer questions or offer guidance for people in life. Not having sources seems to put a lot of pressure on you for guidance, or he prefers you because he looks up to you. But it doesnt work because you don't exactly enjoy to deal with it, and because you aren't like him to be able to tap into that mindset and figure out a good idea. It's also probably became personal because you're both directly involved with your feelings about what that independence means to each of you, and you as a family. I mean, it's probably very important to both.

Counseling

Uber

Bike

Bus

quick update:

thanks for the input --I did read through all of this. Son passed two classes the first semester but failed math. had to take that class again this semester and it was an ordeal --just took his final. Not sure if he passed, but we will see

Got into a car accident driving a couple months ago. No one hurt, but a ton of damage. Was without my second car for two months. Too much risk to have him drive right now (on his own), so bus, uber, etc. is his transportation.

Counseling seems to be minimally effective. We are going to have a family session this week. His issues remain lack of social interest, lack of motivation, bad executive function. The COVID lockdowns, mandates, cancellations, etc. were a total nightmare for us--he was doing much better before all that happened (had a gaming group he would go to, was working at the Humane society). Two years of isolation later ...

I'm going to try and get him involved in more volunteer work (if he wants).

I panic because kids who drop out of college can do just fine if they have trade skills and a lot of drive and executive function --he has neither.

You're so not alone as a parent. The driving thing is hard, and scary--we might move out of state just so my daughter will have access to functioning public transportation.

It would definitely be useful for him to be engaged again... in something. AANE has online groups for young adults.

My mom is "stuck" right now facing a big move. My good-executive-functioning dad and sibling are besides themselves with frustration. (All my life my dad has complained "she said she would" and I now respond "well, clearly that doesn't work.") I assured them I would help (b/c I "get" her). But what? I came up with this: Twice a week I meet with her on telephone or video and we work side-by-side on a task that is difficult for us (cleaning, dreaded paperwork, etc.). She LOVES it (I appreciate it also). It's been months and she's starting to gain her own momentum. She's still not able to initiate significant tasks, but she know can work past our time a bit. It's been slow; it's building. We are like trains on a track and it's super hard to switch tracks, but it can be done. Then she'll be off down that track and we'll be hard pressed to catch up. There are websites for folks to meet and support each other's executive function, there are also community resources for this (but harder to find; we have one in my area). If I knew how to do this myself easily and readily, my house would be cleaner and I'd have found a job before I quit my job. Most people would be appalled by my job "search" ---- pretty much I just fall into my jobs. Somehow it has worked out. Hang in there!! !! !! !!

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the Right!
Here I am - stuck in the middle with you.

I am in the donut hole too my
Dad’s EF (executive function) is getting worse slowly at first then a lot worse suddenly after a fall (stroke first fall was result?) where he struck his head hard on the tub - broke his nose. He may have also damaged frontal lobes too? He has a few strokes since then - missed dieing by a narrow margin. One doc says Parkinson’s another saws no. One doc agrees with EF issues. My son has DX (diagnosis) of ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I have a DX of ADHD and may get one of ASD. My dad is no clown and my son no Joker but I am stuck in the middle. Trying to teach my hard won EF tricks and compensating mechanisms to help them both. DS21 (Dear Son aged 21) also had a hard time with emergency cyberschool methods untried and taught by professors inexperienced with the technology and methods. He was stressed and they were stressed. Profs started blaming the students and delegating more EF than they were providing and becoming demanding and inflexible. DS21 failed all his classes one semester and was booted out for academics - has to take a class elsewhere then reapply. (Sorry if I am repeating - i forget what i say in which threads)

Life is a dance - sometimes you move forward sometimes you move backwards - the key thing is to keep on dancing.